To feel annoyed my friends blase attitude

You've nothing to be jealous of but, of course, it's difficult to convince your kids you're not useless, skint duffers when they see this other couple's kids cutting about in brand new designer gear. It's a hard one for you, and I sympathise. You can't betray another couple's financial affairs to children so you're stuck between a rock and a hard place regarding how to handle it.

You “can’t go abroad”

Yet you’re posting about £4.5k self catering lanzerote holiday you are heading off to

From the other side, I had a friend who I over heard talking about me to another friend. She was aghast at our overseas travel with 3dc and couldn’t understand how we afforded it as “we earned similar”.

We didn’t earn that similar but we also had much lower bills/mortgage than she’d estimated. Her perception v our reality was very different. I currently have a 7k holiday on an interest free credit card as savings earn more so it makes sense.

Your friend may well be irresponsible with money but you can’t be jealous of the lifestyle and judge their methods.

Are you seriously asking whether you should considering getting into debt for a holiday? Of course not.

I have a friend, who to outsiders would appear to be loaded judging by social media posts. They are in debt, have lots of credit cards and loans, things on finance, an enormous mortgage they can barely afford.

Comparison is the thief of joy and all that...

Designer stuff? Who needs that? She sounds very shallow. I'd rather be you than her in this scenario, but maybe that's because most of my clothes came from jumble sales when I was a kid. Even underwear. Time to tell your DD that there are things more valuable than designer hoodies (eg a loving family).
I've never understood 'designer' anyway. Surely everything is designed? Who decides what's 'designer'? FIL was a fashion buyer and says the cheap stuff and designer brands are often made in the same factories. But anyway, yes. Keep within your means and let your friend cope with the fallout when the wheels come off her lavish lifestyle.

A friend once described credit cards to me as 'borrowing money from yourself, at a punitive rate of interest, that you probably can't afford to pay back.'

I think there's a lot of truth to that if you're not using a credit card as a tool that gets paid off in full each month.

@Queenofkittens I don’t think it has to be in a gossipy way but you could explain to your child that you prefer to not have credit card and other debt and to live on money you have, but other people are comfortable or at least less anxious with a certain level of debt. I remember my Dad explaining to me about credit cards when I was about 12. This was a long time ago when there were fewer providers, although you could get credit at places like Dixons at high interest. Neither you or friend is wrong. It’s also worth talking about trying to put some money aside in case of unexpected expenses. And that lots of things ‘on tick’ can add up to too many small payments leaving no disposable income, but some things are better off paid monthly such as utility bills.

I paid off off the money I owed from part of my lump sum when I took my pension. I’ve got absolutely no regrets - I enjoyed myself buying what I wanted and have never been a financial burden to anyone. If I build up debts again, then they can be repaid out of my estate when I die. I’d much rather look at a couple of lovely new dresses and pairs of shoes than look at the balance of my savings account!

We once paid off £22k of credit card debt. It was a unique set of circumstances that led to it building up, and we paid it off by increasing our incomes significantly. Have never used credit since.

I always wonder how people with credit card debt eventually settle it. Surely you never want less, at some point you'd want to retire, or do you roll on and on until you die?

If what she says is true then she sounds very foolish and a bit stupid. You should feel sorry for her not jealous.

I would stop discussing money with her. It’s never a good idea to discuss finances. DH and I are pretty frugal. No one would have any idea that we have paid off our mortgage and are very comfortable. That suits me just fine.

You could die tomorrow. Enjoy your life. No one wants to be miserable. It’s only money

Some people do live like that and they might never change. Daft of you to compare though especially as you know they are in debt.

I have friends who are millionaires and friends on UC. I neither care nor am I jealous or judgemental of what they have or how they spend their money. I can only take care of myself and ensure my own finances are as I want them.

And how do you intend to pay it off?

The vibe I'm getting is that her spending is aimed at showing off - so YANBU in that behaviour is just annoying.

Can you pull back from spending time with her? Join a book club to make new friends/ or something similar that better reflects your principles and interests.

And feel reassured you are raising your children to be financially responsible.

Personally I'd also explain to DD that much of their spending is likely to be funded by credit and why you chose not to live that way.

None of your business and children need to learn that not everyone can afford/have the same things.

The op said that they were open with each other about their finances.

It sounds like you are jealous of them, so either follow a similar suit and think about whether you could go abroad, treat yourselves more or be satisfied that you are secure with your finances and not pushing things.

Good advice - continue to cut your cloth to suit your size.

Also as I always say you never really know people. They may have for example, inheritance that they have kept quiet; bank of mum and dad...

I see people like this all the time at my son's school. Driving EVs, wearing expensive brands and I know they're doing it on credit. I drive a old car and am a budget shopper but am financially very OK. He has private tuition (has SEN) and I save for that as well as trying to be astute about my financial future.

I think it's just very different values. I think they're daft blowing money, but equally maybe they wonder what I'm saving for.

I once had a friend who said she just made sure she could afford the minimum payment on all her debts. Even then I thought she was nuts.

If you have been as honest with each other as you say then you can be reasonably confident that they are accumulating debt. Maybe atm they are shuffling it around on zero interest credit cards or using bonuses to help pay some of it off. Unless you are jealous of the idea of having ever-increasing debt that will eventually become unmanageable without remortgaging etc then you need to just be happy that you are not following suit.

I have some friends who needed to be housed in domestic violence shelters and some who own several valuable properties. A broader friendship group makes you realise that everyone is different and making comparisons is a waste of time. My kids know that some of their mates will have gone skiing this Easter holiday and some will gone to their mum's cleaning job.

Look after your own money and values, let other people live how they want.

edited to be politer

20k pa extra isn't actually as much as some people think. They'll probably only see half of that after tax/NI. So £800 a month. After servicing debt,car loans, and discretionary spending they'll be worse off than you i can almost guarantee. stick to to your guns OP. Do you follow Dave Ramsey? He has a lot to say about this sort of thing.

Assuming their financial situation is exactly what you think it is (eg no inheritance/income you don't know about) then they'll be paying for this at some point down the line. Eg will be paying their mortgage off later, retiring later, having a poorer/less secure retirement......that could just be my age talking! (Late 40s) But I approach finances the way you do.

It really is nothing to do with you how other people manage their finances. If you want to live less parsimoniously, find a way to do it. You say you work PT — find a FT job? Retrain to earn more?