Page 5 | Husband unhappy about doing anything

Marg01 · 2025-04-20T19:39:26+00:00

I wad fortunate enough to be a SAHM; my husband earns enough to not require a second income. I’ve became bored of being a SAHM and studied a course a few years ago and last year this led me to create my own business. The business has taken up a significant amount of my time and DH has become rather aggrieved that some of the domestic chores have fallen to him. The course was well suited to our schedule and we increased the our cleaner’s hours so there wasn’t any imposition on my husband. However, the business is an entirely different beast, which means DH has to sometimes do his share of the cooking, cleaning and childcare. Occasionally, he will have to run the household on either a Saturday or a Sunday and he isn’t happy at all about doing this. He feels his financial contribution mitigates the need to handle the more mundane aspect of family life. The business has yet to turn a profit but it’s still early days and , I see this as an investment in my and our future, and I am still doing more than him at home. I’ve told him that I expect his fully support, just like I’ve supported him throughout his career and raising his children, which has raised some eyebrows in my friendship circle. a few friends have commented that I am being unfair on him.

faerietales · 21/04/2025 20:49

TheGoodEnoughWife · 21/04/2025 20:43

All the other hours he isn’t at work. There is no swapping here as the DH sees chores as beneath him.

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So he spends all his hours where he’s not working out at a hobby does he? Where does OP say that?

faerietales · 21/04/2025 20:49

BlueFlowers5 · 21/04/2025 20:45

Even a SAHM is entitled to a hobby and/or to see friends.

I don’t think anyone has said otherwise?

faerietales · 21/04/2025 20:48

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 21/04/2025 20:45

What a shame neither of you can work full time. If you worked full time you'd bring more money in and then your husband probably wouldn't mind picking up the slack.

Only lazy people don't work full time.....or didn't you get the memo?

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I’ve never once said I have an issue with anyone working part time 🤷‍♀️

BlueFlowers5 · 21/04/2025 20:45

Even a SAHM is entitled to a hobby and/or to see friends.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 21/04/2025 20:45

faerietales · 21/04/2025 20:40

As I've said, he would pick up the slack. Without hesitation.

But I don't ask or expect him to. Because he works hard and I don't need him to pick up my share of life on top of his share just to enable me to go off and to a hobby. I do my hobbies after doing my share.

Neither of us work full-time anyway so we have plenty of time to do our hobbies without the other one having to do any extra. It's actually fab :)

You can keep attempting to insult him all you like, though.

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What a shame neither of you can work full time. If you worked full time you'd bring more money in and then your husband probably wouldn't mind picking up the slack.

Only lazy people don't work full time.....or didn't you get the memo?

TheGoodEnoughWife · 21/04/2025 20:43

faerietales · 21/04/2025 20:34

But in my scenario, DH and I are swapping. I'm not lumbering him with extra work - we're just swapping when it happens.

OP wants him to take on 12 hours of solo parenting to give her 12 hours of hobby time - where's his 12 hours of hobby time?

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All the other hours he isn’t at work. There is no swapping here as the DH sees chores as beneath him.

faerietales · 21/04/2025 20:40

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 21/04/2025 20:37

I'm sad that your relationship isn't strong enough that your husband wouldn't allow you to do a "hobby" as he might have to "pick up the slack"

Sounds like you need a more supportive husband.

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As I've said, he would pick up the slack. Without hesitation.

But I don't ask or expect him to. Because he works hard and I don't need him to pick up my share of life on top of his share just to enable me to go off and to a hobby. I do my hobbies after doing my share.

Neither of us work full-time anyway so we have plenty of time to do our hobbies without the other one having to do any extra. It's actually fab :)

You can keep attempting to insult him all you like, though.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 21/04/2025 20:37

faerietales · 21/04/2025 20:15

On the contrary, I believe if you love your partner, you shouldn't be putting them into the position of having to pick up the slack while you indulge in your expensive hobby.

I also never said he wouldn't pick up the slack. I said I'd never put him in that position because that's a shitty thing to do unless it's unavoidable.

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I'm sad that your relationship isn't strong enough that your husband wouldn't allow you to do a "hobby" as he might have to "pick up the slack"

Sounds like you need a more supportive husband.

faerietales · 21/04/2025 20:35

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/04/2025 20:31

and OP does do the majority.

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Does she? She has a cleaner and her kids are in school all week. And her DH comes home early 2-3 days a week so she can go out and do her "business".

That doesn't sound like she does an awful lot, really.

faerietales · 21/04/2025 20:34

TheGoodEnoughWife · 21/04/2025 20:31

So what if when you said to your DH can you do Saturday and I will do Sunday he said No. What then? Because that is what the OPs DH is saying. No.

The OP will never be able to earn money if her DH doesn’t step up and do the basics of having a family. She has been out of the workplace for a long time. And he has BENEFITED from that. He doesn’t see why he should do any of the menial tasks that the OP does. What a prize? I don’t think so.

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But in my scenario, DH and I are swapping. I'm not lumbering him with extra work - we're just swapping when it happens.

OP wants him to take on 12 hours of solo parenting to give her 12 hours of hobby time - where's his 12 hours of hobby time?

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/04/2025 20:31

faerietales · 21/04/2025 20:29

We know that he sees parenting his children and cleaning up his own house is what he considers to be mundane and not his responsibility due to his financial standing.

Well, if my DH was home (child-free) all week, with a cleaner, while I worked full-time, I'd expect him to do the vast, vast majority of household chores as well.

and OP does do the majority.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 21/04/2025 20:31

faerietales · 21/04/2025 20:24

Every business on earth is therefore an “expensive hobby” till it turns a profit. Although I doubt her business is particularly expensive.

Yep, I know - both DH and I run our own businesses.

But when we were both starting up, we did it in a way that it didn't force the other person to pick up extra work at home - at least, not without sitting down and saying "look, I need to X on Saturday - can you please do Y for me and I'll do it for you on Wednesday". Because I think that's just basic respect in a marriage.

So what if when you said to your DH can you do Saturday and I will do Sunday he said No. What then? Because that is what the OPs DH is saying. No.

The OP will never be able to earn money if her DH doesn’t step up and do the basics of having a family. She has been out of the workplace for a long time. And he has BENEFITED from that. He doesn’t see why he should do any of the menial tasks that the OP does. What a prize? I don’t think so.

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/04/2025 20:30

JHound · 21/04/2025 20:23

The MNs who think his objection is that her business is not profitable are delusional.

He does not want to do more at home and that problem will be a problem no matter how much she earns.

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I agree.

If he had an issue with the fact that she isn't making any money, he would've said something. Instead, he's just complaining that he has to parent his own children and feed himself.

faerietales · 21/04/2025 20:29

We know that he sees parenting his children and cleaning up his own house is what he considers to be mundane and not his responsibility due to his financial standing.

Well, if my DH was home (child-free) all week, with a cleaner, while I worked full-time, I'd expect him to do the vast, vast majority of household chores as well.

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/04/2025 20:28

faerietales · 21/04/2025 20:06

Well, considering we don't know what he earns or what she's aiming to earn, speculating about that is a bit redundant.

What we do know is that he doesn't want to finish work early 2-3 days a week and solo-parent for half of the weekend on top of a full time job while she brings home nothing and has all the weekdays to herself. Which is absolutely fair enough.

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We know that he sees parenting his children and cleaning up his own house is what he considers to be mundane and not his responsibility due to his financial standing.

He hasn't even mentioned OP not even making any money yet, it's all about him having to care for his children, cook and clean.

We actually don't know how he would be if OP was making some money but I have a feeling since he'd still likely be earning much more that he'd still consider these things to be mundane and all on OP to do.

faerietales · 21/04/2025 20:28

JHound · 21/04/2025 20:25

The people calling it a “hobby” are missing that she is turning down work due to him.

OP sadly no matter what you do, if he has to so more domestic work he will have an issue.

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So maybe it's not a viable business if she can't currently work it around his full-time job?

We don't know why she's turned it down - is it because he's still at work? Or because he doesn't want to be a solo parent all weekend? Or because the kids need to be somewhere?

JHound · 21/04/2025 20:25

Marg01 · 20/04/2025 22:10

Nothing to do with MLM; it’s a photography based business, which is why I am away on some weekends. In fact, I have turned out jobs because of him.

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The people calling it a “hobby” are missing that she is turning down work due to him.

OP sadly no matter what you do, if he has to so more domestic work he will have an issue.

faerietales · 21/04/2025 20:24

Every business on earth is therefore an “expensive hobby” till it turns a profit. Although I doubt her business is particularly expensive.

Yep, I know - both DH and I run our own businesses.

But when we were both starting up, we did it in a way that it didn't force the other person to pick up extra work at home - at least, not without sitting down and saying "look, I need to X on Saturday - can you please do Y for me and I'll do it for you on Wednesday". Because I think that's just basic respect in a marriage.

JHound · 21/04/2025 20:23

Crikeyalmighty · 21/04/2025 20:13

There does seem to be an awful lot of mumsnetters who have very transactional relationships these days , I bring in this, you bring in this , therefore I pay 65% you pay 35% and therefore you do this amount of domestic stuff etc - I do find it weird. Not much ‘all in this together’ - I know plenty of SAHMs who have lots of time to themselves where H looks after his kids or takes them out somewhere whilst wife meets friends for hours or goes to visit parents or does a bit of voluntary or trains for hours at a time - whatever -and they aren’t bringing any money in either or working towards something that ‘may/may not’ make money - the only thing I would say OP is you do have a lot of time in the day to do stuff , so if it didn’t work out I would maybe look for an outlet with slightly less unsociable hours if he’s proving to not being happy to step up .

and I disagree with many others I don’t think it would make jack shit difference if it was a paid job - if they aren’t short of cash I think he would still be resentful of his time not being 100% his own .
when cash is short and fir plenty of mumsnetters it is- money assumes a massive importance and very understandably so - whose doing what hours, how much, who has paid for what etc - when people have plenty arguments are often more about perceived injustices on self time , hobbies etc

The MNs who think his objection is that her business is not profitable are delusional.

He does not want to do more at home and that problem will be a problem no matter how much she earns.

JHound · 21/04/2025 20:21

faerietales · 21/04/2025 20:15

On the contrary, I believe if you love your partner, you shouldn't be putting them into the position of having to pick up the slack while you indulge in your expensive hobby.

I also never said he wouldn't pick up the slack. I said I'd never put him in that position because that's a shitty thing to do unless it's unavoidable.

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Every business on earth is therefore an “expensive hobby” till it turns a profit. Although I doubt her business is particularly expensive.

There should be a time limit on it but it’s not unusual for spouses to support each other. Relationships are not always 50/50. They should be over time on average but sometimes in the short term one spouse needs more support than the other.

JHound · 21/04/2025 20:19

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 21/04/2025 19:51

Fuck me, I'm embarrassed that there are so many selfish arseholes on this thread

I'm embarrassed that so many women still thinking bagging a husband is a meal ticket.

Who thinks bagging a husband is a meal ticket?

She did unpaid work and has acknowledged it’s time for her to try and bring in an income.

faerietales · 21/04/2025 20:15

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 21/04/2025 20:13

I'm sad that you don't have a husband who would pick up the slack. You need a more supportive relationship..

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On the contrary, I believe if you love your partner, you shouldn't be putting them into the position of having to pick up the slack while you indulge in your expensive hobby.

I also never said he wouldn't pick up the slack. I said I'd never put him in that position because that's a shitty thing to do unless it's unavoidable.

Crikeyalmighty · 21/04/2025 20:13

There does seem to be an awful lot of mumsnetters who have very transactional relationships these days , I bring in this, you bring in this , therefore I pay 65% you pay 35% and therefore you do this amount of domestic stuff etc - I do find it weird. Not much ‘all in this together’ - I know plenty of SAHMs who have lots of time to themselves where H looks after his kids or takes them out somewhere whilst wife meets friends for hours or goes to visit parents or does a bit of voluntary or trains for hours at a time - whatever -and they aren’t bringing any money in either or working towards something that ‘may/may not’ make money - the only thing I would say OP is you do have a lot of time in the day to do stuff , so if it didn’t work out I would maybe look for an outlet with slightly less unsociable hours if he’s proving to not being happy to step up .

and I disagree with many others I don’t think it would make jack shit difference if it was a paid job - if they aren’t short of cash I think he would still be resentful of his time not being 100% his own .
when cash is short and fir plenty of mumsnetters it is- money assumes a massive importance and very understandably so - whose doing what hours, how much, who has paid for what etc - when people have plenty arguments are often more about perceived injustices on self time , hobbies etc

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 21/04/2025 20:13

faerietales · 21/04/2025 20:12

Nope, he's fantastic. We both run our own businesses and contribute equally to the running of our house. Neither of us take the piss with doing hobbies that don't earn anything and that force the other to pick up the slack at home.

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I'm sad that you don't have a husband who would pick up the slack. You need a more supportive relationship..

faerietales · 21/04/2025 20:12

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 21/04/2025 20:11

You need a more supportive husband..

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Nope, he's fantastic. We both run our own businesses and contribute equally to the running of our house. Neither of us take the piss with doing hobbies that don't earn anything and that force the other to pick up the slack at home.