Husband unhappy about doing anything

Some of these comments… presumably these are mostly from other mums?!

The woman has taken time out to raise his man’s children - which is a blessing for sure - but this no doubt has impacted her career. Now she is retraining to create a job that fits around her kids. She is trying to get back to work. It’s not that easy. You have to speculate to accumulate. She is just asking for her husband to be a parent… and a husband. Support extends beyond him opening his wallet. Getting back to work is a big deal after being a SAHM. Personally I wanted more equality, and wanted to earn my own money for my own self esteem and validation.

Saying all this, is there possibly additional support that is needed as you make this transition?

So the wrap around after hours care she gives him is…invaluable? He can’t just manage without it. And he isn’t doing her some kindly favor by “letting “ her be the SAHP.

OP this is a tricky one. Does your husband work a job where it is the norm to work later, and you are asking him to leave before the work is done or it is acceptable to do so? If so it’s difficult to justify if your business isn’t making any money.
that said I don’t see anything wrong in asking him to look after his own kids on a weekend for afew hours.

I don’t think the OP has clarified what coming home early means? Does he actually have to leave work early (I can see that might be an issue!) or does she mean he has to come straight home after his working hours? No hanging around because he is avoiding or heading off to the pub? There is a massive difference.

Being married/ in a relationship is a partnership, not an excuse for men to dump everything they don’t like on the wife. This also applies to having children together, you are both responsible for everything and that includes cooking, cleaning and playing with the kids. If you don’t want to do that then don’t have kids. Parenting has to happen at the weekends too and he should be willingly wanting to spend time with his kids and care for them. YANBU

I feel like some posters seem to be skipping over the fact that OP’s husband has to come home early 2/3 days a week.

I’m the breadwinner in my family as a single parent. I absolutely can’t leave work early 2/3 nights a week on a regular basis. Sure if a child is sick, or if I have an appointment, these things can be worked out. But not every week. I don’t think that’s particularly unusual actually - most employers would think you’re taking the piss if you made that request.

People seem to be acting like it’s no big deal!

Plenty of women do that.

DH and I both have hobbies and support each other to do that, OP hasn't said if her DH has hobbies too. If he finishes work early 2 days a week, he still has the other 3 days a week when he can do hobbies the vast majority of the time plus one weekend day where we actually don't know what he does, if anything.

Agree, and I think it would be a much easier sell if she didn't dress it up as a business.

I suspect if the DH had to give up a Saturday or two so she could enjoy her hobby he'd be pretty chilled about it. Ditto if it was a paying job. I suspect what narks him is him having to do a days unpaid childcare work to allow her to do a days net unpaid work. That is pretty frustrating.

Of course it makes sense. While she was a SAHP he wasn’t taking on extra work - now she’s doing this hobby, he’s taking on all the financial load as well as a chunk of her “load” while she does a hobby that doesn’t benefit anyone except her.

If her business becomes profitable then maybe he’d be able to work less hours himself and have some time out from being the main breadwinner?

No, he increased the cleaner hours for both of them - so OP could do her course (that he paid for) and so he didn’t have to come and do extra. Which is totally fair enough.

Anyway, regardless of whether he’s a shit dad or just someone who doesn’t want to be taken advantage of - I still don’t think many women would happily work full-time and then come home early from work to do all the evening mayhem while their husbands went out to do a hobby, however much they may like to proclaim otherwise.

I mean, swap photography for football coaching and everyone would be up in arms.

I would be fine parenting my kids and cleaning my home while my husband retrained and worked on building a business (not a hobby).

There would have to be an agreed time limit after which the business is profitable or he abadons it but it’s not unusual for give and take. I have known plenty a couple do this kind of thing where one changes course and the other supports them in that.

But given he was fine with her not earning as a SAHM to claim he has an issue with her business because it is not profitable makes no sense.

He will have to pick up even more slack at home when her business starts to be profitable / she gets a different paid job so what then?

He only increased the cleaners hours when he'd be doing some more of the cleaning, that was for him, not OP.

He also doesn't parent all weekend alone, it is Saturday or Sunday, not both. It sounds like he just doesn't want to look after his kids at all.

But then he'd actually have to do the majority of cooking and the such like which are just so beneath him. The horror.

@JHound the reason I feel that it more than likely isn’t about the ‘not earning’ was that in my 1st marriage I had to do some shifts as a student nurse- including weekends- it was all discussed before I started and on paper he was fine with stepping up - in practice once he realised it was pretty hard work with kids and interfered with his social life and hobbies such as being out all day on a Saturday at football matches and having a few drinks with mates it suddenly ‘wasn’t ok’ - and I actually was indeed earning
.

Given that he works full time and pays for a cleaner for his partner when she doesn’t work, I don’t think he should be having to worry about doing any cleaning at all, quite frankly.

How many women here would work full-time and pay for a cleaner while their husbands had 30 hours a week free to do courses? And then be quite happy to come home from work early so said husband could indulge in a hobby for 12 hours while they did dinner, bedtime and weekend parenting on their own?

Oh don't kid yourself that I'm envious.

👏👏

She didn't do unpaid work.

Either you’ve not been reading my posts or you’re just feeling argumentative.

It’s not the job/hobby that’s the issue. It’s the fact that she expects her husband to finish work early to accommodate it (when it’s not currently brining in an income) and expects him to solo parent at the weekends too.

Nobody has managed to answer when he gets his equivalent time to pursue his own hobby out of the house?

Maybe he’d like to give up his job and pursue his own loss making passion 42hours a week while she worked full time, financed his passion, shouldered all financial responsibilities, paid for domestic help and covered his childcare responsibilities 2/3 nights a week and every Saturday/Sunday? Mumsnet would surely have THOUGHTS on that situation, right?

OP says that she still does the majority. She also said that 3 days a week is rare.

If having a cleaner means that OP doesn't do much then the same can be said about cleaning when it comes to DH too.

The somersaults posters are doing to make the OP feel like shit and excuse her husband are actually quite amazing.

You have not clarified if you and your DH have had a discussion about what compromises could be made, rather than you saying "You need to do this" and him saying "I don't want to". Have you suggested trying this for 6 months? Agreed that it will be for 3 evenings a week maximum or Saturday, not both? Considered any other childcare options? It doesn't sound like you are asking too much of a father but if he hasn't been involved in the planning that might be what he is objecting to.

Good, as OPs hobby/work is part time!!

Perfect, issue resolved then. Glad you agree.

She doesn’t say that he does but he could. What with having no responsibility to ‘keep house’ as the OP does all of that. I suggest too that he doesn’t ask the OP permission before doing anything because she is the default childcare/housekeeper as often happens in these situations. Whereas she has to ask/check/be allowed to/grovel for some time to try and build a business.