Husband unhappy about doing anything

How old are your kids OP?

Sounds like you may have far more downtime than your DH but in your own words yet to "turn a profit".

So he is essentially subsidising your business financially and has my much leisure time then you do...?

That's so true. The "unpaid wife work" complaint on this thread and MN generally is just nonsense.

Her housewife role was not "unpaid". Her husband paid her.

But instead of handing the cash to her as "wages" so she could pay her share of mortgage/rent and household bills, plus her other expenses such as car, phone, food, clothes, shoes, hair treatments, beauty products and leisure and social activities, as well as her course, he paid for them his own earnings.

HTH

That's the issue though. It isn't about the financial aspect because it sounds like it would be the same if OP had a regular job that brought in an regular income, it's about the fact that up until now, he financially provided and everything else was up to OP. He didn't come home and then everything was 50/50 and that is why he is moaning, because he has to occasionally clean up after himself and look after his own children.

Even if you have a cleaner, unless they come daily / live in you still need to clean as you go.

And most cleaners don’t do childcare nor cooking nor any form of emotional labour / household admin.

She is trying to change it.

The husband does not want to.

For a board full of women I am astounded at the level of resentment and bashing of SAHM’s here.

It’s weird how different this to my life growing up and now where nobody I know sees being a SAHM as a dirty word.

I don't really understand why you think you were raising the children? Surely your husband was also raising them - paying for my child's food, clothing, shelter and activities is an integral part of raising them that I shoulder as a parent. If it's not my job - whose is it?

Like all parents who take the responsibility of providing for their children that is essential to being a parent, your husband also has to do the other side of parenting which is providing hands on care. Not whilst he's at work, obviously, but at other times.

Equally you need to start taking on the full role of a parent which includes financial provision for your children. The way you split the dual responsibilities of raising children - hands on care and financial responsibility - worked while they were younger, you've identified its not working now.....time to change it.

It’s still a work. And plenty of people struggle to juggle the two.

SAHM IS work. If you outsourced it, you would have to pay somebody.

But the point, which everybody seems to be missing is it is not about income. It’s about chores.

Well exactly, if the equipment is already paid for, then business must be quite slow to not have any profit after a year

Very very few photographers ever make a living of it

Every bloody evening and weekend up until now. The OP makes it clear he hasn't lifted a finger while she has been a stay at home mother and wants that to continue indefinitely.

and what did he think she was going to do when she had finished the training course? Nothing?

They have a cleaner and OP does the majority when the cleaner isn't there. DH isn't going to be doing loads.

Totally agree.
and you know why women are posting like this? The words SAHM and my husband earns enough.
It’s the same time and time again. The letters SAHM brings resentment, bitterness and nastiness and my god it shows in these replies.
Lookjng after your children rather than paid work and paying someone else to look after them is seen as lowest of the low. Do it too long and your future worth is ground into the mud. You deserve nothing. You leave with nothing.
Honestly these replies are utterly predictable.

Another one here who always wanted to write rom coms and had no time due to external circumstances beyond either of our control. The moment some of my more difficult caring responsibilities were eased, and I had time to look for a job, my husband insisted I took three years to follow that dream after having put it on hold for so many years.

I was the one offering to get a minimum wage job and contribute what I could to the family pot. He was the one who refused and really stepped up and took over as much as possible in the evenings and weekends so I could make the most of the limited time I had.

It turned out to be successful, and we are both benefiting from that. But I know for a fact that had it never come to anything, he would still have thought it was worth it because he's a decent person who values me and my dreams just as much as his own. Also because he doesn't undervalue everything I've done to support his career and care for our joint children through some pretty tough periods. Both of us see our marriage as a partnership rather than a competition.

It doesn't sound as thought the OP's husband shares that attitude.

She just wants to do something other than look after her own children, cook or clean and I feel like her DH should support that since she has supported him as a SAHM over the years

They have a cleaner. Husband presumably paid for the training course when she was bored being a stay at home.

Well the same could be said of his business—he makes enough money if the wifework etc…is done for subsistence wages (ie room and board). He does not make enough money to fully pay for all that she does at a market rate. If he did she would get a wage and ould spend it on her business.

Plenty of people manage to "run a home" and work full time. The OP had enough spare time to take on a study course and increased their cleaner's hours. Doesn't sound particularly taxing.

She's not going to magically start bringing in money overnight, it's going to take time, though it doesn't seem to be the money that is bothering OP's DH in which I could at least understand, it's about the fact that he doesn't want to support her by parenting his own children or doing a bit extra around the house. OP isn't asking him to do everything which I agree, would be unreasonable.

I feel like OP is holding up her end of the bargain by continuing doing the majority of everything. She just wants to do something other than look after her own children, cook or clean and I feel like her DH should support that since she has supported him as a SAHM over the years.

I’ll try and give a balanced response OP!

As others have said, this should be a discussion between both partners. Partners being the key word here.

Your DH probably feels aggrieved as he thinks a status quo and fair balance has been established over many years, and you wish to amend that agreement that sounds like it has worked well for both of you up to this point.

You wanting to change this is also entirely valid, but should be done in a way that works for both of you. I think you both have reasonable points and the problem with Mumsnet is everyone likes to shout at each other because they feel like those with opposing views to them are attacking them. Instead of trying to see each others point of view.

Imagine if your DH actively supported your business goals? What could be done to get you both to that ideal place?

He's providing the household. Without him there wouldn't be one. There wouldn't be a cleaner. There would be a SAHM.

My dad did very little around the house, but the house was huge, we were privately educated, there were trips, hobbies, holidays, clothes, cars, nice things...he did all of that for his family. If he didn't have kids, he'd have been able to do something much less demanding for a living, spend his time and money on himself and retire much earlier.

His life before and after kids was night and day, and I'll never be able to thank him enough.

Agreed. But if she is not being a SAHM and she is also not bringing income in and her activities are costing money to fund in start up costs and extra shifts for the cleaner, hubby continues to work full time to fund everything and has less time with his wife and is solo parenting 2/3 nights a week and half the weekend what is the point? To me this reads as less of a business and more of a hobby that has got out of hand. We don’t have to be SAHMs forever but in a partnership we do have to contribute and hold up our end of the bargain

I'm sorry but I don't really understand @Marg01.

My DH earnt enough for me not to work for seven years. In that time I still had a cleaner and some paid nursery. DH focused on career not domestic stuff.

When I went back to work initially, it was for 18 hours pw and I cleared £600pcm.

Two years later I increased to full time and we got an au-pair.

When I earned full-time I took the DC to school before work, started work (locally) at 9.15 and was home by 6ish. DH started work at 7.15 and was usually home by 9.15pm. We had equal free time. Financially he contributed significantly more than me. As a team we contributed different things for the greater good of the family.

I never cleaned

A woman today would be crazy to 100% rely on a man to bring home to money and just stay at home, absolving him of any home duties. Men can and do walk out of their marriages, as regular MN posts tell us. Even in happy families, men can get sick, disabled or lose their capacity to work because of bad luck. It was my husband’s biggest fear not being able to provide. It’s financially prudent for the female partner to maintain her ability to bring in income through working at least part time and this only works if both partners share the load.

And for goodness sake, the OP was only asking her DH to sometimes help out on weekends. He could easily outsource if needed, have the meals delivered and bring in a cleaner, which would free up one on one time with the kids.

Agreeing to be a SAHM doesn't mean that OP agreed to do it forever. OP isn't also leaving him to do everything, she still does the majority.

So how many hours of “domestic stuff” between 0 and 12 is sufficient as before she started her business he did 0?