Husband unhappy about doing anything

Well at least we agree on a need for compromises!!

But not apparently when OP Is said to be providing wrap around childcare for her husband. For her own children.

It’s up to three evenings a week and half of the weekend - on top of working full time to support the family while OP has six hours a day to herself!

He’s not doing it. One evening and part of a weekend is not doing that.

Honestly an au pair could cover this with school age children. Breakfast, get dressed, school. Free Time Pickup, homework, supper, bath bed. He’s already paying for a cleaner, just up the hours. Would probably be cheaper than de facto funding a non profitmaking startup. I’d probably look at getting an au pair in now if only to stop the whining.

No it is parenting. OP is also their parent and as a SAHM of school age children married to a partner who is working full time much of her role falls in the post school pre bedtime hours. Once the children are at school, and the cleaner has clocked on, as a SAHM what exactly is she doing all day? She doesn’t clock on until pick up.

Yes. And those compromises would include working around school hours wherever possible to make the most of existing free time and existing paid for domestic help. Particularly as said work is not generating any income at all. Alternatively taking a ‘second job’ in those hours to fund the non-profit making business rather than relying on your partner. He is her partner not an ATM, though doubtless he feels that way, and from the posts so far OP is dismissive of everything he does do to support her and their children and for her specifically - purchasing equipment, paying for courses, lightning the SAHM load with paid for domestic help, funding her business. OP’s contribution is to look after the children and moan about her husband as far as I can tell. Not really both making equal efforts here imo

Maybe. I guess my point is that he’s not exactly doing nothing - he’s working full-time to support his family, finishing early to accommodate his wife’s new passion/business (and doing bedtimes alone as a result) as well as doing a full day solo parenting each week.

On the other hand OP is a SAHP to school aged children, has 5/6 hours a day to herself during the week as well as a cleaner, and is now taking herself off for an additional 12 hours a week to work on a business that’s not making the family any income.

If I was in the DH’s shoes I would not be impressed.

@faerietales I do think the cleaner is taking the pee somewhat- but maybe he’s a Nellie neat freak and it was his suggestion as they don’t have the same standards -

He has been supporting her. He finishes his paid job early so she can work, and solo parents for a full day at the weekend so she can work. He paid for a course for her to study. He even pays for a cleaner despite all their kids being in school and OP having six hours a day to herself.

How much else do people think he should do?

Usually people on MN are hounding SAHP to get a job and stop relying on their partner for financial support, what will they do if they relationship breaks down etc.
Starting a business does take time but if you have a solid business plan and can afford as a family to get it off the ground then I don't see why he shouldn't support you as you have done him.
The fact that he feels he makes more money so shouldn't have to give more support to the household would annoy me massively tbh.

He’s not refusing - he’s doing it. He’s even finishing work early to do it. What OP does say is that he doesn’t like doing it and doesn’t think he should have to do it.

@faerietales totally agree I’ve always worked full time

Thats not true. He is refusing to parent his own children at night ir weekends. That is wrap around care.

@Crikeyalmighty I think this is one of the risks when one person gives up all paid work and chooses to stay home for years - it creates an automatic imbalance in the relationship.

I’m sure I’ll now get loads of people saying they stayed at home and their relationships were fine and while I’m sure that’s true in some cases, I’ve seen too many relationships struggle when one person earns all the money and the other all the domestic stuff.

@faerietales yep I do agree there is a finite amount of time in this case - I do stand by the fact though I don’t think it’s the money aspect- I think he would be exactly the same if she had an evening/ weekend paid job - now this probably won’t change, so it may be the OP has to rethink her offering if she values her marriage , wait till kids are a fair bit older or do something within the 9 to 5 - as do so many mums .

@Crikeyalmighty but he has been helping out - we don’t know for how long but OP does say the business takes up a lot of her time - to the extent that he comes home from work early to accommodate it even though it’s not actually turning a profit. It’s not as though he’s point blank refusing altogether - it just sounds like he’s getting fed up with it now.

I am just coming to say “his share of childcare” is called “parenting”.

Exactly Crikeyalmighty. That is the point in a partnership. And things like the 6 months is a reasonable compromise on both sides.

@Madamum18 I posted earlier about how transactional a lot of relationships are these days. A lot of people will get a nasty shock if a partner can’t work for health reasons or their children’s serious health issues at some point or can’t get a suitable job , despite desparately wanting one - I do question the OPs timing in a role that is both a bit of a dying art and the fact the hours are awkward with a young family - but I do think asking him to step up for 6 months and for her to give it a bash isn’t the end of the world - people comment on the finances but the chances are they aren’t affected at all as she wasn’t earning anyway - him coming home earlier a few nights may mean he’s home at 6pm not 7.30 or he may have flexibility in his role ( and not lose money at all) as he gets home and then can do a bit of work at home. As you say it involves partnership - and clearly this chap sees anything domestic as wife’s work - yes he does bring home the family income but when was that written that this makes the wife effectively a full time domestic servant - do I think it would be better if she found a calling with more family friendly hours- ? Yep , but it is what it is and the least he can do is give it 6 months- if it isn’t turning a profit after that with quite a low entry barrier then I do think she needs to ‘think again’ if it’s affecting her marriage

But is it a genuine ambition that actually has longevity or is it a passion project that may make a bit of money one day?

They’re very different and I’ll be honest, if DH wanted to start a business that clearly had no legs, I’m not sure I’d be particularly keen to put up with much long-term impact, especially if he had all day during the week free to work on said business too.

No it doesn't. But it also doesn't mean not working together to support each other with future ambitions etc within mutual responsibilities for the partnership, the joint children etc. The point is there is a need to work together to find compromises that mitigate impact where possible and sometimes putting up with impact for a while in order to support one's partner.

Being in a partnership doesn’t mean blindly supporting the other person regardless of the impact it has on you 🙈

Some of the views on here are gob smacking!1 What happened to supporting each others ambitions in a PARTNERSHIP!!

I personally don’t believe in blindly supporting someone just because of their biological sex 🤷‍♀️