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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do you make your older dc join in?

59 replies

motherhen27 · 20/04/2025 19:06

My ds is 13 and has started with the typical teenage attitude and angst. His younger sister is 3.5 so a big age gap which I try to juggle as best I can.

Tried involving him in an Easter egg hunt which was obviously more geared towards the little one but I thought it would be nice for him to help her. He just grumbled and clearly wanted to be back on his xbox the whole time. I didn’t push it as his attitude really wasn’t adding anything to the day so after a little while I let him go.

Do you make your older dc join in with this sort of stuff? I’m aware he’s probably too old to enjoy it but I’d also like him to have a tiny bit of appreciation for the fact that all of this was done for him when he was little and if he could just show a bit of engagement with his sister (who adores him) it would be nice. I’m finding this new attitude hard to manage as he has always been a very loving boy and now he seemingly hates us all and just wants to be left alone, ideally with a screen for company. How long can I expect this to last for and how much do you push older kids to stay involved in family activities?

OP posts:
Jessmumofboys · 20/04/2025 21:42

why do people think a 13 year old would not care about their younger sibling?

erm… because their siblings and they love each other?
That’s not weird at all. Why are there so many trolls on this post.
it’s really lovely you are putting the effort in to have time as a unit. I guess it’s just hormones and wanting to be cool. I wouldn’t take it too much to heart. Maybe next year he’ll could set up the hunt instead?
wishing you all good vibes and don’t listen to the trolls who have nothing better to do.

MumChp · 20/04/2025 21:40

I expect our oldest two to spend time with us and their younger sister.

I understand age gap isn't always great but we are a family and we support each other.

Easter Sunday for us is church, egghunt and family time. This year with grandparents and my sister's family. Everyone joined the egg hunt and family dinner.

We haven't used screens today. We did games. Walked the dog. Had fun.

Comewhatmay25 · 20/04/2025 21:38

What is you screen time set up?

SilverButton · 20/04/2025 21:36

Does he have limits on screen time? It sounds like he's getting addicted - I think that's your problem here.

Eggsboxedandmelting · 20/04/2025 21:35

My older dc happily join in with dc 10. Even ds 24 isn't against having a bit of fun. Never too old for an egg hunt ime...

Fragmentedbrain · 20/04/2025 21:33

motherhen27 · 20/04/2025 21:14

What a weirdly depressing outlook, especially for siblings.

Show quote history

Why would a teenage boy care what a baby sibling was up to??

WeHaveTheRabbit · 20/04/2025 21:31

I wouldn't insist he join in with something like an Easter egg hunt. He's at the age where he may find it embarrassing. He's too old to really enjoy it, but he hasn't matured enough to appreciate joining in for his sister's sake. That isn't a criticism of him, simply awareness that he has one foot in childhood and one in adolescence and it can be an uncomfortable place to be.

I would insist on some participation in family events, e.g. dinner with the family every night, visits to grandparents, birthday gatherings, etc. But not events/activities like an egg hunt.

Also, I know this wasn't part of your question, but you mentioned he wanted to spend time on his xbox. How much screen time does he have? IME too much screen time can lead to irritability and negative attitudes among teens (and adults for that matter!).

Original poster
motherhen27 · 20/04/2025 21:14

Fragmentedbrain · 20/04/2025 20:34

Also tbh I would be suspicious of a teenager who wants to spend time with toddlers

It's weird

What a weirdly depressing outlook, especially for siblings.

OP posts:
MoreChocPls · 20/04/2025 20:55

Sometimes you need to make them join in as they think they are too cool to do these things, but secretly want to. Reframing it as helping the kids can help.

Bonsaibaby · 20/04/2025 20:54

My older 2 have always joined in. Even today as adults with their little sister. It’s very sweet! Plus who doesn’t like an Easter egg hunt with chocolate!?

Original poster
motherhen27 · 20/04/2025 20:53

ItGhoul · 20/04/2025 20:02

He’s a teenager. Why does he have to fit in with a toddler? He is your child too; his needs/wants are no less important than those of your three-year-old. It’s not his job to entertain her or do things to make her happy - it’s yours.

Crikey I’m aware of that. It’s not like I’m saying here you entertain her while I piss off to the pub for the afternoon.

It’s an awkward age where he can still be child like in some ways but is definitely much less engaged in family life which is to be expected.

Im well aware he has his own wants and needs and I try to meet both of my dc needs as much as I possibly can given that there’s two of them and one of me. I have had a fair bit of 1 on 1 time with him during the holidays.

Can’t believe some of the accusatory, aggressive responses on a post regarding a family egg hunt. This place is wild.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 20/04/2025 20:52

Fragmentedbrain · 20/04/2025 20:34

Also tbh I would be suspicious of a teenager who wants to spend time with toddlers

It's weird

A child spending time with his sibling is weird?

what a sad world when people think that is suspicious 😒

CoffeeChocolateWine · 20/04/2025 20:48

Same age gap here but mine are slightly older - 16 and 6.5. Also a 12yo.

My 16yo DS joins in...obviously he knows it's not for his benefit but he does it for his little sister because she finds it exciting and it's more him helping her. My 12yo still loves it tbh!

The main point of contention with my older two is that we do our egg hunt in the morning...a bit like stockings at Christmas! They would far rather stay in bed for longer, but this morning they got up, did the egg hunt and then went back to bed 😆

Reddelilah · 20/04/2025 20:41

ItGhoul · 20/04/2025 20:02

He’s a teenager. Why does he have to fit in with a toddler? He is your child too; his needs/wants are no less important than those of your three-year-old. It’s not his job to entertain her or do things to make her happy - it’s yours.

This. Why are you expecting him to show appreciation for something you did for him 10 years ago? How are you supporting him to have a fun Easter holiday?

LittleLabrador · 20/04/2025 20:37

No I wouldn’t force it. My 12 yo DS joined in the egg hunt with his 9 YO sister because he wanted to- he really likes the egg hunting! There’s other things he wouldn’t join with though like certain days out he’s too old for or other activities and that’s fine. I try to do things they’ll both like and sometimes I do things with just him and sometimes just her. Your age gap is massive so I think you’ll have to accept they won’t do a lot together and that’s ok.

Mrsttcno1 · 20/04/2025 20:35

With that kind of age gap, and him being 13, I wouldn’t force it. He’s not a child and he’s not your co parent, if he doesn’t want to join in then don’t force him.

mindutopia · 20/04/2025 20:35

Going to soft play, yes, too much. A once a year family holiday tradition, no, it’s not too much. Mine is 12. Up at 7am with little brother to get their Easter eggs. Then breakfast together. Then Easter egg hunt (she’s too keen on it frankly and is a bit too competitive). Then no hiding away on screens somewhere. She was in the garden playing all morning on the trampoline and chatting with us. We had lunch and then friends came over from next door for a bit and they all played in the garden. It doesn’t have to be family fun all day, but she doesn’t get to just slink off to game or watch YouTube.

Fragmentedbrain · 20/04/2025 20:34

Also tbh I would be suspicious of a teenager who wants to spend time with toddlers

It's weird

StarTwirl · 20/04/2025 20:34

Why on earth take away the fun from your little one and your big one by making them hunt eggs together

little one wants to find her own thank you very much

older one not interested

I agree with PP forced fun is rubbish and awkward

Iamaverysillyperson · 20/04/2025 20:33

Why on earth should he feel any appreciation for you doing Easter egg hunts for him when he was younger, which he likely can't remember?!
I think you're unreasonable to expect a teenager to join in with anything like that just because it makes your youngest child happy.

Cakeandusername · 20/04/2025 20:30

I think 2 similar age is very different scenario though and they probably have joint memories of doing it as little ones.
Do you get lots of time 1-1 with him doing things he wants to. He was an only child for 10 years.

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 20/04/2025 20:29

Forced fun is awful

Fragmentedbrain · 20/04/2025 20:27

She's your kid. There's a good chance he feels nothing towards her except irritation. Hopefully that will change in time but it may not and how on earth would you "make" him mess about with infant activities that no teenager would want to go near?

Coasterfan · 20/04/2025 20:25

SlipperyLizard · 20/04/2025 19:59

My teen DDs (13 & 15) must be unusual - they would love it if we set up an Easter egg hunt for them (we’re away so that’s why we haven’t), and would enjoy setting one for younger kids.

My 15 and 17 year old insisted on it!! I think they ll be 33 and 35 and at my door wanting their Easter egg hunt 😀

ElfDragon · 20/04/2025 20:06

My dc join in things for each other.

my eldest is 21 now, middle one is 18, and youngest is 12. Eldest has a learning disability, and so there has also been an emphasis on them all joining in with things which may not specifically be for them in particular. Dd1 comes along in outings which were not of interest to her (quite a lot of things, in the scheme of life), and in turn the younger 2 have also gone to things for dd1.

I would have been quite cross if the older 2 had refused to join in things for ds when he was a baby, and likewise I remind ds now that whilst he may not be interested in the same things as dd1 anymore, she is not going to progress beyond loving all things Gruffalo and simple games like snakes and ladders, and still enjoys an egg hunt at Easter etc.

dd2 and ds don’t particularly want an egg hunt anymore, or putting milk and mince pie out for Father Christmas, ut they do it for dd1, as they should.