Do you make your older dc join in?

I see this is a bit old, but why not try to make it fun for both of them. Assign a specific color to the teens eggs. Instead of candy, fill them with money or even clues to a scavenger hunt that will lead to a small Xbox gift card.

I wouldn’t insist, I wouldn’t push too hard and I wouldn’t guilt-trip. I would explain to him once why I would like him to join in - and then leave it up to him. Teenagers are a bit like toddlers in several respects imo: a) they are inclined to dig their heels in if they feel pressurised to do something, b) they are gradually developing skills like empathy and altruism as their brains mature, and c) they are more likely to respond to calm and non-fraught requests than to emotionally loaded nagging (see also silently presenting a 3yo with broccoli until one day they pick it up and have a nibble).

Him grumping off to his room rather than putting himself out for his sister doesn’t mean he’s going to be a selfish adult. It just means he hasn’t developed the ability to put her first yet. Keep asking, keep letting him choose and he’ll get there.

What an odd comment to make….

When does it start being not suspicious?

Are men who are fathers not supposed to want to spend time with their toddlers? or do you still you find that suspicious?

I can’t quite believe some of these comments on this post… it’s actually scary.

Saying that there would be something weird with him if he did like to spend time with toddlers? It’s truly worrying that you think that and even typed that… what an awful way to view life.
When does it start being not weird? Are men who are fathers and who like to spend time with their toddlers not weird, or still you find that weird?

Everyone is different but it’s completely normal to want to spend time with your siblings no matter the age gap… just because one is a teenager and one is a toddler it doesn’t mean they aren’t going to want to spend time with them.

My son is going to be 14 this year and he’s very excited to have a sibling. He doesn’t see toys having an age limit, he’s more than happy to play with anything and everything and he gets on well with people of all ages.
he absolutely loves the Easter egg hunts new and my partner do and I’m sure (like us) he will still want an easter egg hunt when he’s in his 30s!

I do think that screen time is a factor in this… screens are addictive, they put a barrier in front of connecting with people in real life and he had another choice available to him at that time so he chose what he preferred. That will always be the case as long as it’s still available.

It’s all about the choices you make and the boundaries you have as a parent/family. You can always change your mind on things but while he has the x box available I doubt he’d choose to do family things or things with his siblings over that.

I’ve got an 8 year gap between mine - now 25 and 17, both male. We tried to strike a balance, expecting some engagement from DS1 when eg he was 12/13 and DS2 was 4/5, so for an egg hunt we would have made a hard challenge for DS1 and expect him to join in, but then he could go up to his room for done time on his own. Family dinners were sacrosanct, no opting out. Swimming worked well, especially if it was a holiday pool with slides that DS1 loves. We would split a cinema trip - DH with DS1 doing marvel etc, me with DS2 in a U film. Lake district caravan weekends worked - all on a walk and if no moaning we’d hire a motorboat for 30 minutes afterwards and let DS1 drive it for part of the time. Saturday nights were often family film time when DS2 was in bed and DS1 chose the film.

Ds's 21 and 24 spent all Friday and Sunday doing whatever ds 10 wanted!! They adore him. He's a funny lad and they all enjoy each other's company..

You think you're joking- but it happens! Did one for the DDs yesterday. They are 28 and 32! It's part of the tradition of the day.

I would have spoken to him in advance about plans for Easter weekend and respected things he said he'd rather sit out, within reason. Negotiate and compromise, you must join in the family meal but can sit out the egg hunt. If the egg hunt is essential then at least let him know in advance and explain why.

I find some of the replies and the lack of expectations for teens quite sad tbh.

We have a gap...dc are 17, 15 and 7. Yes, it can be hard arranging family occasions to suit all 3.

However, we do the same activities for dc3 that the older two got to experience...so Easter hunts, a family 'Santa meal' etc. Obviously they're far too young for the elder two to fully appreciate but they take part for dc3's sake, they do it with good grace and they do benefit and end up enjoying it to an extent (who doesn't like a good three course meal, even if you have to sit with Santa for 5 minutes 😂. And of course a shit load of chocolate yesterday after they joined in the hunt).

I'd never drag them to soft play or a kids park or similar and they get plenty of time out and about with friends, or just each other, doing their own thing. But they do their best to include dc3 where possible and the activity is suitable for all - so if there's a play park on a day out they'll go on the zip wire with him. When we're abroad they're happy to take him on the waterslides and dc3 is thrilled to just be playing as 'equals' with his big brothers. They see this, they get it. At home, they play with him on Minecraft and teach him how to build xyz and what materials do or whatever. And they've taught him to play Poker and Blackjack pretty well 👀😂

Our elder two know and understand the value of all of the experiences they received as young kids and that dc3 deserves the same - but that he doesn't have a constant playmate like they both did at his age. They know our expectation is to be kind to dc3 and that he's a happy little soul who just wants to be included and for the most part they're happy to do that, with minimal huffing.

In a word, no. It’s a big age gap, he’s at a tricky age anyway. It’s not that he doesn’t care about her, but would rather be doing other things. Forcing the issue is going to make him feel it’s always all about her. Let him be, and go with flow of this next phase of him growing up.

Our 13 year old is a girl so maybe slightly easier, but she often complains whilst getting ready but is on the whole OK once out. We try to make sure there's perks for her, she picks the music in the car most of the time, for bigger days out we do some things that are more geared to her and trickier with the 3 year old such as thorpe park/Harry potter world/trampoline park so days out aren't always boring. For things like the park she's sometimes a bit bored, but we don't take her to soft play, the other 2 go with 1 of us and the other adult goes on a bike ride and stops at a pub to get a lemonade with her as a treat or use that time to take her clothes shopping if raining etc)

For the egg hunt today we hid hers really hard places to make it more interesting.

If none of that sort of stuff works I wonder if a screen addiction is more the issue. That will naturally make everything else seem boring and some level of time limits set in a positive way might help. It will give him chance to get bored and want to join in rather than other activities just taking him away from screens which he'd otherwise be on.

I think he's at the age as a younger teenager where he will push back on the sort of things where he might view childish as he now will want to feel more grown up and be seen to be. I think in a few years he'll be back!

I did one today for my 19 year old ds as I've done since he was tiny. It's fun and we all get involved
He would also be happy to set up a hunt for younger children.

I'm mid 40s now and I remember with bitterness my parents always trying to unite my sister and I despite an 8 yr gap. It was excruciating. We'd do child friendly things then have a go at me for not being happy about it when it would have been much more troubling if i did enjoy it. I'd do my hair in a style and my Mum would do exactly the same with my sisters so i couldn't do mine anymore. She followed me around and I would always be berated for telling her to go away, I don't ever remember anyone saying I needed privacy and to leave me alone. Maybe I was an awful teen but I have really vivid memories of my parents being constantly angry with the fact I wasn't a kid anymore, like it was somehow wrong to grow up.

I think OP you need to try to enjoy this new phase of life, you have so much more free time yourself now you don't need to be parenting DS1 all the time and he may really need time alone, he isn't doing it just to spite you. Try to have random quality moments with him alone without the little one and keep the communication up but accept he is no longer the kid he was. Hopefully when he is about 35 he will appreciate the Easter egg hunts of his childhood. Right now you are just an embarrassment to him, your very existence is embarrassing, in fact his own existence probably is too! I wouldn't force the sibling relationship, I think that will come around in time if you show respect for DS1s feelings. It's really hard, it's almost a grieving process when the child version is gone forever. My DD is 12 and we are on the cusp and it makes me sad every day. By 16 hopefully the better teen version will come along, my eldest is 17 now and we have the best relationship we've had since he was about 10.

I’d not force it, but I’d remove some of the alternatives. In our house it’s not acceptable for anyone to be obsessive about video games to the detriment of family life. If this was happening I’d restrict access.

Wow there are some really depressing attitudes on this thread.

why is it so wrong to expect family to put themselves out (and not exactly forced labour we’re talking about - a quick egg hunt resulting in chocolate all round - quick, call child line, this is clearly terrible parenting) for each other, and actually pull together, as a family?

as I described upthread, my 3 all look out for each other as much as they are able, which has resulted today in:

dd2 (age 18) watching the Gruffalo with dd1.
ds (age 12) watching Swashbuckle with dd1

all 3 of them playing Mariokart together

ds rounding everyone up and getting ready for the egg hunt.
(Dd1 in turn, is expected to give me time to do things with her brother and sister too, so that it isn’t always all geared around her wants. This still has to be organised by me, as she isn’t fully able to keep herself occupied, but she will do it as best she can, and we appreciate the effort)

I don’t find this particularly odd. It’s just what families do.

my stepchildren (now in their 30s) did similar when my 3 were toddlers - both were happy to join in with the toddler fun when they were teenagers. My stepson in particular has had great fun over the years picking out presents for them, he loved the excuse to go into the toy shop and relive some of his youth!

i don’t understand all the posters keen to jump immediately to “well, he’s a teenager, what do you expect?” Such a weird attitude. I expect my teenagers to still be part of the family, and take turns helping each other out. They are all expected to, in their own way, as much as they are able to.

No mine would moan about being involved easter egg hunt

However if I spoke to him before hand and explained that could he help me with easter egg hunt for sibling then we could do x or y. Then usually id get them onside

What’s weird is grown adults not understanding that siblings with larger age gaps are still
siblings and family- and that teenagers don’t get to opt out of family life, nor should they! A healthy relationship between siblings is great to see and important to nurture, and even though teens may want a bit more time to themselves and get a bit grumpy… that doesn’t mean that they get a free pass out of life.

Teens of both sexes can be fab with toddlers and fun in ways that adults struggle to keep
authentic, and it’s lovely to see that bond grow with them as the years pass. I have adult kids and tween/teen ones- so the adults were teen/tween when they were born, and we always did family things together… and even today the adult ones were over spending time with their siblings for the Easter celebrations, including egg hunts- but also chatting, playing frisbee, discussing Trump and trans issues and helping with exam revision! It’s fab.

Why’s that weird? I had toddler cousins in my teens, and later became a nursery nurse as I always loved spending time with little ones (even as a teenager…)

I’d expect him to join in with things if otherwise it would mean other family members missing out. So for example a whole day out, he can’t be left alone so needs to come too even if he doesn’t fancy it. But an egg hunt in the garden, it can go ahead without him there, that would be a battle I wouldn’t pick.

I think making siblings do things together if they don’t want to is likely to backfire and lead to him resenting his little sister tbh.

Our teenage son cared a lot about his newborn sister. He was so fond of her.
She isn't newborn anymore. He still cares a lot even he is away at university.
He will be a great husband and father one day.

I would expect some joining in, it's a family.day/event. And at some point surely the youngest has to out up with something that is catered towards your eldest.
I would be setting boundaries when screen time is off.
But I was also thinking that I would potentially do a normal Easter egg hunt for your youngest, and at the same time have separate eggs for your son with a separate challenge in it. For example, more age appropriate clues/challenges to figure out to win something, or clues/jokes with innuendos that you both can laugh together about that your youngest just won't get, a scratch card. This would include the adults, treat your son as one of the adults. He doesn't want to feel like a kid, so if it is just him and the little one it probably isn't going to work as a family activity because it isn't that fun watching a toddler.

That’s a huge age gap. I don’t think it reasonable to expect a teenage boy to be involved in an Easter egg hunt for a toddler sibling. I don’t think many teenagers would want to engage with that.