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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why do some women not like their husbands?

416 replies

whatsausername · 20/04/2025 18:51

I mean this thread with all genuine sincerity, because my husband is the love of my life and also my best friend (married 5 years, together 10)

I absolutely love spending time with my husband, and family in general, and choose this above all else.

yet I have friends who would absolutely choose their friends to spend time with over their husband and I just don’t get it?

today is Easter Sunday and I couldn’t fathom not being with my husband and children

yet I have 2 very close friends who are spending today together, with their kids, but not their husbands. And this is the case for almost all things, all the time?

AIBU to think why are women marrying men they just don’t want to spend time with???

OP posts:
LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 20/04/2025 19:51

AhBiscuits · 20/04/2025 19:03

I love my husband the requisite amount, but also love my hobbies and friends. What I don't understand is the people who seem to be surgically attached to their husband and completely lose their identity.

Yeah this. Saved me typing this. I love my DH and he is my best friend (puke emoji) Grin And I DO love spending time with him/going on day trips/to the pub/for a walk etc... But I also like to have time alone, go for walks alone, have evenings alone 3 or 4 times a month, and do things/hobbies/have coffee with one of my 3 friends. (Or my adult DC.) If I had to spend every minute of every day of the year with DH I would kill him - only joking - (probably.)

.

Secretroses · 20/04/2025 19:49

My husband is my best friend but I also have very close friendships that I invest time and effort in. I think there is a difference between apparently not liking your husband and wanting to spend time with friends because of this rather than loving your husband but also enjoying spending time with friends...

ohyesido · 20/04/2025 19:45

Lucky your husband picked you then, you must be a better wife than the rest

Stuffnfluff · 20/04/2025 19:45

So what you are asking is, why does someone else have a different husband and a different life than I do? Interesting discussion.

MumWifeOther · 20/04/2025 19:44

141mum · 20/04/2025 19:42

Been married 35 years, I love meeting friends but would choose husband and 2 adult kids everytime

Same. 20 years later and hes still the person I’ve ever met 🫶🏽

Darkdiamond · 20/04/2025 19:43

I didn't read the OP as being needy and not wanting to have a life outside her husband. I read it as genuine curiosity as to why so many women do seem to dislike their husband's, as opposed to why many women have varied social outlets.

I've a full time job, lots of friends, a reasonable social life (I'm too knackered for more) and am definitely not reliant on my husband to fulfill all of my emotional needs. He still is my favourite person and I (thankfully) can't imagine disliking him or not enjoying being in his company. We have been together for 16 years and have 3 kids.

I do understand why it happens to many couples though and think the OP was looking insight into that, rather than actually not understanding how anyone can have a life outside a husband.

AngelinaFibres · 20/04/2025 19:42

FridayFeelingmidweek · 20/04/2025 19:38

He's a keeper, and it's great you feel that way because so so many men turn into giant children after having had their own.

This. My exhusband, as he was packing to leave me and our 3 and 2 year old sons, said " I want to do what I want, when I want and , as I can't do that with children, I have to leave". Thankfully I had a network of fabulous friends who slept at my house, put food in front of me and sat with me whilst I sobbed my heart out for weeks. Never, ever underestimate the value of good friends

141mum · 20/04/2025 19:42

OopsyDaisie · 20/04/2025 18:59

Wait until you've been married 20 years with 2 kids, then come back to post!

Been married 35 years, I love meeting friends but would choose husband and 2 adult kids everytime

LBFseBrom · 20/04/2025 19:39

Relationships change, the glow wears off. There are plenty like you, op, and others who wish they were somewhere else but feel stuck. That's life.

FridayFeelingmidweek · 20/04/2025 19:38

He's a keeper, and it's great you feel that way because so so many men turn into giant children after having had their own.

MyUmberSeal · 20/04/2025 19:38

pikkumyy77 · 20/04/2025 19:37

What? I’ve been married 30 years and have two kids. If its a good marriage with a good person it doesn’t spoil.

Agree. Not 30 years but 19 years, he is honestly my favourite person.

Wisterical · 20/04/2025 19:38

Don't put all your eggs in one basket, pet.

Wakemeupbe4yougogo · 20/04/2025 19:38

Been married over 30 years and our relationship has changed massively over that time. Initially we were inseparable, and when our family were young, we were each other's support network without a lot of family support. Now our DC are all adults, we're a lot less dependent on each other and enjoy spending time apart as well as time together. His hobby often means a day out of the weekend and I couldn't be happier about it - doesn't mean I don't love him though. I just value my own space a lot more than I was able to many years ago.

pikkumyy77 · 20/04/2025 19:37

OopsyDaisie · 20/04/2025 18:59

Wait until you've been married 20 years with 2 kids, then come back to post!

What? I’ve been married 30 years and have two kids. If its a good marriage with a good person it doesn’t spoil.

whatcanthematterbe81 · 20/04/2025 19:37

Easter isn’t important to us all. I prefer to spend time with my family overall but also want to spend time with my friends. If Easter is just another day (which it is to me) then it matters not a bit!!! I think you know that tho, surely you know that??

housemaus · 20/04/2025 19:37

YABU. I would say my husband is my best friend - he's the person I like spending time with most and if for some strange reason I had to only choose one person to spend time with ever again, it'd be him. That's why I married him.

But you don't have to choose that, and friends are really, really important too - I find it very strange that you can't see why someone would choose to spend a Sunday with their mates instead of their husband. It's good for people generally and relationships specifically to spend time with other people - do you never see your friends?

If it's about it being Easter - Easter Sunday isn't exactly a big meaningful holiday for most people unless they're Christians - it's sunny here and it's a long weekend, if a handful of friends and their kids wanted to spend time together it's not like they've missed the opportunity to spend time with their partner over a 4-day weekend, is it?

skippy67 · 20/04/2025 19:36

I've been with my Dh 33 years. Married for 22. He's out today with his friends, I was out yesterday with mine. We love the bones of each other. You must be very insecure OP, if you can't fathom being apart from your DH for one day...

INeedAnotherName · 20/04/2025 19:36

Why do some women not like their husbands?

I have 2 very close friends who are spending today together, with their kids, but not their husbands.

Your title is the wrong way round. The women are with the children, so surely your question should be "Why do some men not like their wives and children?".

Which makes your thread just another nasty thread against women.

mnahmnah · 20/04/2025 19:36

People change. Life happens. The person you marry in your 20s and the marriage you have then is bound to change over 10, 20, 30 years. Kids happen. Jobs are lost. Bereavements happen. Financial events happen. House moves and disasters. Lifestyle changes. And just growing up and changing as a person!

EternalSunshine19 · 20/04/2025 19:36

If you're having a great time with your husband, why are you on mumsnet wondering why others aren't doing the same?
my fiancé works on an oil rig 3 weeks out of the month. I spent today with my daughter in the park and then went home to cook a roast. You do you, and don't worry about what everyone else is doing.

NautilusLionfish · 20/04/2025 19:35

whatsausername · 20/04/2025 19:08

Yes I think you’re right with this being the main issue - separate interests/hobbies. I realised this after 6 years with my ex-boyfriend. Forever grateful I didn’t end up marrying him.

There you go. You are a fast learner.
Imagine all this time, the answer to your question was different interests and you couldn't figure it out yourself. That's why mumsnet is so great

RawBloomers · 20/04/2025 19:33

As well as the many reasons why some women end up and stay with men they thought they were going to enjoy spending all their time with but don't, some women look for different things from different places.

Their partnership with their husband isn't and was never expected to be one of "best friends". They look to their husbands for an exchange of material support, sexual fulfillment, joint parenting, maybe societal acceptance. They look to same sex friends for friendship, fun and emotional support. And some men, I think even more than women, do the same.

Whyisitsobloodycold · 20/04/2025 19:33

whatsausername · 20/04/2025 19:05

If my original thread didn’t come across genuine I apologise. I love spending time with my friends! We love going out or catching up over coffee or whatever. And I’m close to a lot of women in my work too. The example I mean is when people seem to ‘replace’ the husband role in their family with a friend.

for example, if im having a day out on a Sunday with my kid; the other adult there is going to be my husband - not my friend!

I just cannot fathom people marrying each other then literally not wanting to spend time together. What’s the point?

I actually know what you mean OP, and I know someone in real life who cannot stand her dh, and does everything with a new friend. She’ll take the children out at the weekend with her friend, for example. It is an odd setup tbh… just be authentic and separate and be done with it, surely, than be living a separate life?

I wonder though if the couples who fall into this situation are mortgaged to the hilt; can’t stand each other, but can’t afford to separate.

Hwi · 20/04/2025 19:33

User9767567 · 20/04/2025 19:26

Since there is an undertone of condescension and smugness here, allow me to be frank. All the women I know who gush about their husbands like this have the same vibe as religious fundamentalists who use blind faith as a survival mechanism. They have forced themselves to believe something so hard in order to cope with their own life and to squeeze some happiness out of it. They also have crushingly low self esteem or high people pleasing tendencies, often stemming from a childhood of abuse, neglect or undiagnosed ND.

They are so desperate to cling onto this idea of a perfect life that they've constructed from movies and media (once again, usually the result of early life trauma). By telling themselves over and over again they are in the best marriage with the best husband, it creates an illusion of a happy ending.

From the outside, these husbands are all mid at best. At worst, they are abusive narcissists but the women never leave because they've brainwashed themselves into thinking they love him. They usually have no identity outside that of being a wife and mother and the superiority they feel when confronted with other people's imperfect relationships. So if they lost their belief that their partner is perfect (like a religious faith god) it will completely shatter their life.

For context, many women don't like their partners because no human being is perfect. They are mature and mentally stable enough to accept that each person comes with flaws and there will always be friction between two fully-rounded adults. These women have also had time to develop their own sense of identity and gain experiences and thoughts that they only hold for themselves. Having children changes that entirely and only the most subservient or traumatised women will be able to sacrifice all of their freedom without the slightest bit of resentment.

This doesn't mean all marriages are doomed to fail. Many of these women dislike their husbands in certain phases of life but they are also mature enough to work through it or accept the sacrifices they need to make. They know exactly where his flaws are and have made peace with how it impacts their family. Any woman who thinks her husband is absolutely perfect is a massive red flag. Rather then question why some women don't like their husbands, it's worth seeking therapy to question why it's possible to believe a life partner is absolutely flawless when this cannot true on a human and social level.

You didn't mention age but meeting and marrying partners young is also a red flag. It's essentially one step below grooming and not surprisingly goes hand in hand with very religious communities. Teens are too young to even know what they want from life and having a partner or children extremely young means you never get to experience the multi-faceted experience of actually being a fully independent adult.

Edited

Bravo x 10

Brutalist · 20/04/2025 19:33

@whatsausername

Some potential answers:

a) Maybe their husbands are dicks?
b) Maybe they don’t want to end up the kind of wife who can’t bear to spend special days without their husbands and are comfortable and secure enough in their relationships to spend time on a Sunday with someone else?
c) Maybe their husbands think they are dicks?
d) Maybe they don’t give a rat’s ass about Easter?
e) Maybe they DO spend a lot of time together, just not the particular time (Easter Sunday) that you choose to spend with your husband?

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