Why do some women not like their husbands?

I lost my husband after a prolonged illness just before our 49th wedding anniversary. He was my best friend and we looked forward to spending weekends and holidays together. Our early retirement was spent going on trips and holidays together and doing things round the house and garden. He had his hobbies and I had mine and sometimes we spent short times apart to.pursue these.

I never really needed friends but I made a few special ones over the years, who I still keep in regular touch with. However, when I lost him and moved away to be closer to family, I was lonely and it rook a while to make new friends. My daughter never spends much time with me and I now have a close circle of friends who have been very supportive when I was ill recently.

I think if you marry your soul mate, he is your best friend. He understands you like nobody else and supports you through everything and you do the same for him. You each have strengths and weaknesses but work as a team to deal with things together.

I loved my husband just like you do... love of my life.. Best friend.. did everything together from 1976 when we met until 1988 when he cheated on me..
You can't predict the future. .it could happen to anyone..

You don’t necessarily have to be apart to do your own thing though. We spend many evenings on the sofa, DH watching The Apprentice or old war films on his laptop and me listening to podcasts and mumsnetting. That said we do have our own friends too.

Sometimes all three at once.

Defensive or lying or smug.

I’ve been with my husband for years (I think it’s nearly 20 (😯)

Whilst I do love him immensely somedays he just pisses me off gotta love menopause

I don’t have to be with him all the time..I have my own friends/hobbies without him and he’s the same.

Easter doesn’t mean much in this house apart from chocolate and a roast dinner which we had late afternoon. Our teens were only interested in the Easter eggs…

So you do you and we’ll do us 🤷‍♀️

Don't worry, typical Mumsnet. If you're happily married you're defensive or lying. Because all men are evil.

So unreasonable. Everyone's relationship is very different so stop judging. You do you and we'll do us 🙃

Wow, that's escalated! Someone sharing their experiences, which happen to be different to yours, isn't being defensive.

How sad ro jump to assumptions based on nothing and try to put another woman down just because she's in a happy relationship with a man.

Ok, I'm less sorry for you now.

Ideally a spouse will be your favourite person and you want to spend time together more often than not. But even when they are totally lovely, it's still not normal or healthy to be together all the time. If you never spend time apart, you will never have anything to talk about, you'll both eventually get bored or have very small, insular lives. Plus you'll be putting all your eggs in one basket, which is risky if he ever leaves you.

I used to think like you but as I've gotten older, I've realised that you do still need to be an individual, to have things which belong to you as a separate person to your spouse. You want to actively choose each other every day, not stay together because you are codependent.
Having friends and interests outside of your marriage makes you a more interesting person and a more self sufficient one and that's good for you (and him) as individuals.

Besides all that, it's also normal to get irritated by people, even those you love deeply. So it's good to build on some space, so that when you are together, it's a positive thing.

Finally, no person is perfect. The husband you idolise is capable of one day hurting you, of changing as a person, of betrayal. It's a good thing to have a support network and a strong sense of self - you don't know that life holds!

So you say. (I feel like I've accidentally entered a time warp and wandered into Royston Vasey or some weird sister-wives cult.)

But then you're very defensive. With that level of defensiveness, I wouldn't be surprised if your husband was up to something very nasty in the woodshed.

I'm very sorry for you that that's been your experience of men over the course of your life. It sounds really difficult. And I'm not surprised it's turned you off to be honest

I feel very lucky because I have never had an experience like that with any man. I'm mid 50s now & got married in my early 30s & before that i had many relationships, both long term & fleeting & i must be extraordinarily lucky because while they were ultimately not the right match for me, they were all good, decent men & they treated me v well.

In fact I am in loose contact with all of the men I had more meaningful relationships with, even now & they're still decent, good people.

I have lots of male friends & dh & I socialise with lots of other couples & i enjoy these men's company too & their marriages seem happy (i know that we never really know but outward appearance seems good)

So i guess what I'm saying is that i don't see my life what's so prevalent on mn

But many also can and do thrive with husbands.

How is that news?

I'm sorry you've had such shit experiences with men. Some are awful. Some are great. Much like women.

I don't think it's hard to understand - there just aren't that many men that a woman COULD get all that attached to. Some, but not nearly enough to go round.

I'm not miserable. I have never been happier or more peaceful since I decided I much prefer to live alone than with a man.

Women can and do thrive without husbands. How is this news?!

I expect it is just my experience of men - being targeted from the age of ten, being groomed and sexually abused by middle-aged married men as a young teen, having discovered the seemingly endless array of fetishes of the men I have been involved with, having had sexual passes and suggestions made to me by the husbands of pretty well all of my friends and quite a few colleagues, being in an abusive relationship, I could go on - makes me think of all that I know of these "lovely men" and their behaviour behind their wives backs.

I suppose on a day to day level I think of the way they snore and their hoary toenails in bed, the way they leave their stained jocks and wet towels lying around, the way they control their wives, and expect to be waited on.

But I am sure others have very different experiences. It was a light-hearted comment, in any case.

Yep. Most of the women I know who weren’t willing to settle are childless. Myself included.

They don’t have to….

I sometimes go out for the day with my kids with friends and their kids at the weekend whilst my husband cracks on with jobs at home and decompresses (his job is more stressful than mine). I think that’s teamwork. I honestly didn’t realise it was a tragic indictment of our marriage 😂

Again, 100% agree with you OP.

While we do love spending time together, DH and I regularly encourage each other to go on nights out, mini breaks with friends etc, so that we're not joined at the hip. We know that having time and space for ourselves is important and, ultimately, first and foremost, we respect each other as individuals. I'd wager that's why we're still going strong.

Sounds like your relationship is rock solid, OP. Anyone directing any nasty comments your way is, frankly, just jealous.

I agree OP. Been with my other half for 30 years. He's my husband, best friend, soul mate and still my absolute favourite person to be around.

Yet, the vibe I get is that many women see their spouse as little more than a 'baby daddy'; I know of several instances IRL where, once the 'wife' has had her much longed for babies, 'he' becomes surplus to requirements.

I've never understood it either, but it's definitely a thing.

Life throws curveballs and people change.

Yes. I'm CF by choice, but for many women, they do want kids, and the sacrifice of settling is worth it to have the children they want, and if that's their heart's desire I will never judge them on that.

CF (by choice) also. And yes I completely agree- you would think that, if you were going to bring innocent children into the world, you would be pickier. But sadly it's not that simple for most women (fertility, body clock, that unignorable urge that i hear of etc)