To really hate school run and feeling overwhelmed

Just say hello and stop being invested in if they do or so not reply. You are caring too much about stuff that is out of your control. You do you, you want to say hello and goodbye so crack on. It is unrealistic to get upset when people don't respond in the way you want but it doesn't stop you from continuing if it means that much to you. It helped me to remind myself I was solely there for my child. That was the most important reason I was at the school. I had to endure if for about 20 mins a day, they had hours of this stuff.

OP, just smile and be polite, be you. Let them be bitchy or rude and don’t give any of it a second thought. Don’t worry about your DC either, they will be fine, these things work out when the children get older and start making their own decisions about who they want to have round, invite to their party etc.

DD got invited to a couple of parties and play dates in primary but I never really spoke to other parents because they were always in their groups as a lot knew each other already. Certainly didn’t make any life long friends. I’d just stay in the car until the last second then walk in get her and leave. From about Y5 it all changed and the children started taking control of the play dates and stopped letting their parents try push them together.

She’s at secondary now and has an entirely new group of mates, I’m not friends with any of their parents either!

Ok, well then sure, say hello, but try not to invest in the idea that you are going to be, or need to be, their friend. You don’t need to be “accepted” by these people and I would perhaps introspect on what it is in your life that has caused you to feel this way, because it doesn’t sound like it’s these particular people driving these thoughts and feelings if I’m honest; it maybe sounds like this goes a little deeper if it’s something you can’t shake. Sometimes you won’t gel naturally with people, and that’s ok! Invest your energy where it’s reciprocated.

edit: looking at some of your descriptions of micro expressions etc here as well, there’s a small chance (don’t take this as gospel as I’m just a stranger guessing online!) they could possibly think they’re better than you, for who knows what reason - due to their own prejudices. In which case, you wouldn’t want to be friends with these people anyway, right? Leave them to it.

But there’s no reason not to be polite, surely? Keep saying hello. Just stop investing so intensely in the idea of being ‘accepted’ by them.

Maybe they don’t like you. Maybe they feel their group is already unmanageably big. Maybe they’re just not up for a new person. Maybe they only add a member when an existing member is sacrificed to Beelzebub or their child moves school. You will probably never know, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it other than disengage a bit mentally.

You can’t keep driving home full of ‘shame’ and ‘discomfort’ because a bunch of random people who have kids in your child’s class haven’t warmed to you.

I say this gently, but maybe they sense a bit of desperation? Honestly, OP, I wouldn’t worry about it. As you’ve said, no one has done anything wrong. I would just smile, say hello back if they say hello. That’s all you need to do. You don’t need to be friends with people and it sounds like, in this case, it would be unnatural to try and force your way in. Use your energy to nurture your existing friendships.

Can you try and get more involved in the school by joining the PTA, volunteering or becoming a governor? I found joining a committee helped me feel more confident.

Or the opposite: back off. Ask someone to phone you. Be on hold to the doctor. Rush in and rush out. Wear sunglasses. Put your kid in after school club. Get the nanny to do it. Weirdly when you stop trying sometimes I find people reach out more.

Is your kid happy at the school? If so, persevere. If not, look elsewhere.

We looked round a private prep school for DC and a group of mums were waiting in the lobby to supposedly be friendly and advertise the school. They were all wearing very similar clothes and I took one look at them and thought… nope. It honestly put me off the school. I just thought… can’t be doing with that.

Hey,
Bit of a random comment, but do you think you might have ADHD.
The feeling you describe reminds me of RSD
Hope you find some lovely mum friends outside of this clique soon :)

I used to hate it too. By year 2 they start choosing who they want to invite round and it gets easier. It stops at the end of primary so it really isn't until they're 18. By about year 6 they go out with their friends and parents aren't really involved except for lifts. Just keep being you. Smile, say hello if you feel like it. But don't fret about it. You'll make connections gradually. I talk to five of dc's friends' parents, even though they all left school a few years ago. Your dc will make friends and the parents will hopefully be open to chatting with you. But I felt like this at the start of primary.

But the OP hasn’t said they don’t acknowledge her or mistreat her, only that they don’t approach her to talk to her or invite her to things they do together out of school. Which I think is fair enough. People are allowed to choose their own friends. This isn’t a whole-class party for six year olds.

I get that the OP would like to be friends, just as I would have when I was in the same situation, but even then I recognised it was no one’s fault. The other parents gelled. I didn’t. So I made my friends at work, and invited children DS liked around regardless of how I felt about their parents. Some came, some didn’t, but DSxwas happy enough.

Hi OP, I remember feeling disappointed at the lack of connection at the school gates. I felt like i made effort to be smiley and say hello, then realised if i didnt do that then nobody would acknowledge me at all. I think for Year 2 i just stood by myself not engaging with anyone cos it annoyed me!

By year 3 my dc had decided who their best mate was so I knew their parents from arranging school dates. Now in year 5 and I'd say I have 2 school people who I'd have a chat with, and one is friendly enough to meet for drinks outside school.

I'm not sure either will remain friends beyond primary and that's OK. I suspect mine and your experience is more common than the clique one. I think cliques come when your kids are going to the same school you went to, so the cliquey parents have known each other since being kids themselves.

They sound like they have no manners. The fact that you find it hard not to smile and acknowledge people means that you do have manners. That's the difference between you and them.

One of my best friends from DS’s second primary is a dad. He got divorced and his son moved schools after they sold the marital home, but he and DS still see one another, and we have the occasional drink.

But it’s not the other parents’ job to give you the social life you want, OP. I mean that kindly. Stop fixating on them, and cultivate friendships elsewhere. You ate giving yourself a complex when the situation really doesn’t warrant it. We can’t dictate whether a random selection of other people like us or befriend us or not. Also, nothing in your posts suggest you like any of these people, or that there’s any particular reason you want to hang out with them as individuals or a group…?

If your DC is happy at the school please do move just because of this apparent clique. You see these women for minutes every day and in a few short years your child will be at Secondary after which you will likely never set eyes on them again.

The other mums in my DS’ primary class apparently have a reputation for being very cliquey. Only two of them have ever spoken to me. I can’t say I’ve given it much thought really. When I attempted conversation with the others and was met with stilted responses I assumed it was because they are all friends and don’t really have time for a new mum acquaintance which is fine. I chat a fair bit with several dads who are all quite friendly (although this is probably frowned upon on MN😂)

Why do you need to be friends with them? I think being pleasant and saying “hello” is perfectly fine. Do you have other friends and hobbies?

Oh, it's a private school. That explains a lot. Obviously you get cliques at state school too, but in my experience, private school mums are worse.

Look, someone else has told you this little group are cliquey and unpleasant, but you seem to be intent on proving that you are the problem, not these bitchy women. Why is that?

Private school? Are you the a different ethnic group? Are many of these families wealthy?

Arrive at the last minute. Listen to something interesting on your iPhone so you aren’t looking to see if someone is going to wave to you or not. You are a busy woman with an exciting life and interests. No time to dither at school gates but happy and comfortable in yourself.
Grab DC and go. Work on achieving this image. Don’t overdo it or you might end up the new Amanda.

OP I hear you.

My school run overwhelms me. Individually, the mums are all nice enough but together they are arranged into cliques or they just want to do the bare minimum. There's also a flat, negative atmosphere for reasons I don't really understand.

I'm sociable too and have tried, I've made a couple of mum friends but I found it so overwhelming, like being back at school where I was not one of the cool girls and friends could be bitchy and changeable.

I've had to learn to make school small in my life as it was really affecting my mental health. It's better now , I know I'm partly projecting my own crap. I think if my year group were more friendly in general it wouldn't be so bad.

Until 18!, my daughters are in a private school that had a junior school which we did not attend.
Funnily enough my daughters have told me there were several super close parents from the junior school that had major fallings out because of the children falling out.

The children hilariously got over it and remained friends, whilst the parents did not🙄.

Will the classes remain small or will their be a large influx of new children at age 12 for seconday?

What realistically are your other options?
I wouldn't move school unless your daughter is unhappy and feels excluded.

Sure, but I never got upset about it. That’s the difference. It would have been nice to make some new friends, but it wasn’t anyone’s fault. It’s not other people’s job to befriend me, after all. If they had known me, it’s pretty probable they’d have disliked me and vice versa. We were very different people. Just a mismatch of person and social environment.

I wouldn’t bother giving it any thought. Find your friends in other environments. Invite children your child likes around for play dates — getting on with their parents isn’t necessary.