To not attend family gatherings as the only single person

No you’re not unreasonable. I’m in a similar position in that I’ve been divorced a long time now, childfree rather than childless ans now, at the age of 50 terminally unattractive to men. I’m also the only single, childless one in my family and I did the same as you and duck out because the patronising and judgement, not to mention the sarky comments about my easy life got too much. I stay away for my sanity and put my energy into my relationships with friends, especially ones like me. Much more interesting conversation. I hope you find your tribe.

This was me yesterday. No parents as they died early, but extended family Easter Saturday and I may as well not have been there. As it was, I arrived late and left early - I find it really hard otherwise. I made the decision to step back at my 50th when nobody helped clear up, it was my birthday for about two minutes and then everyone spent the next four hours talking about a family baby that wasn’t due for another 6 months, and a wedding that was 18 months away.

I also skip Xmas - I “go away to the Lakes with friends” and have a quiet day at home. My friends are good but my family make me feel like a failure at life.

Your parents (or at least your mother) sound like the problem. It's such a fundamental level of disrespect not waiting for you before exchanging easter gifts.

I get it. I was childless until Covid, never thought it'd happen, and my family had written me off and pushed me into a 'low status' role that meant I often had to do / host everything but with very little thanks. Once, when we lived in Sweden, I hosted Christmas at mine and the entire family stayed with me but when we exchanged presents my husband and I didn't receive a single one!

Then I had 2 in fairly quick succession and nothing really changed. I was still expected to make the effort and so I stopped.

I understand why youdon't want to go. I am happily single but I'm done with people's questions. So, I'm saying thanks but no thanks to some events, especially in the extended family.

Since when did seeing family depend on who had children odd?

Seems sad to miss time you could spend with your family for this reason. There is still much to enjoy from seeing one’s family.

Placemarking.

I agree with this approach.

I do actually enjoy children (though childfree) but in terms of time investment, other people's children aren't really that interesting

Family child centred events taking up precious weekends and holiday periods and involving a lot of travel and "cognitive load" are something I've detached from.

As a polite middle aged spinster, I'm mindful of being typecast as the "low status" reliable person who is there to help everyone but doesn't deserve respect.

It's down to me to create the life and environment I want.

Of course I'm available in case of emergencies, or would help out if something specific, but am a LOT happier now I'm either chilling out solo at home or building other interests and social networks and community.

I now am fully booked out with cool stuff and have had some great experiences, grown as a person.

This does take time, so practically it's better to start sooner.

There's no reason to burn bridges or have massive discussions, just detach politely and peacefully. Life is short. You're not rejecting anyone.

As pps say find some sort of compromise - maybe you want to just drop in for a coffee, or reduce frequency, or just for certain occasions. There's no medals for making yourself miserable.

Many men do this with no guilt (you could always make up a white lie to get time back for yourself. Say you've met a man or got some weird health issues or something).

@Factsandfeelings did you join a childfree group or something? I'm childfree by choice and would love some childfree friends. I do have DSC though, I assume I am still free to join the groups!

Well OP already said that she’s not single and childfree by choice; plus society is organised around validating your choices, so it’s not really comparable is it?

I’m sorry OP, this sounds really hard. I don’t have loads of advice on what to do but you are totally valid and NBU in how you feel. Xxx

On mothers day my mum dedicated a Facebook post to her "two daughters who are now also mothers" and thanking them for bringing such happiness into her and my dads life. Obviously I got no mention at all

@Sundaycoffee Well, that was mean.

My God Mother once said she'd love to have a God Daughter, right to my face standing over a couple of pre-schoolers playing "Tea-party".
I reminded her that she did have one - ME!
She laughed it off, but it hurt a bit at the time.

You won't win. Maybe limit how may gatherings you go to. Put yourself first.

Why would you punish yourself?

That FB post is very hurtful. I would have posted, "Um don't you have three daughters?"

Yanbu for not wanting to be there because they talk about their kids etc but you really are bu for thinking you’re a black sheep. The single people st get togethers are inevitably more interesting than everyone going on about kids!!! (Mother of 4 here)

Thank you for posting about this as it is a good reminder for those of us with DC in different situations to be more mindful. It sounds like your family are rather unthinking and tactless and just very involved in their own experiences. Especially your mother with that FB post! She jumped in with both feet there and it might be worth pointing it out to her in a conversation. I would want my DC to talk to me if I was making them feel this way.

It must be very difficult for you but it would be even more sad to isolate yourself from a loving family. Please don’t be tempted to sideline yourself and perhaps consider joining in the photos and being fully present and visible.

I am from a blended family and depending on the combination it is easy for me to get lost in a gathering. The answer has always been to not shrink into the background because that isn’t where anyone really wants me to be. I have to be careful not to do that to myself and then end up feeling sad about it.

The problem is if you pull always you are isolating yourself and then when you need them it’s not likely to come as easily and if you do end up married with children or whatever and then suddenly decide to be involved again it’s going to be deadly obvious however will still stick out as they will have older children / teens while you have babies.

The Facebook post by your mother was insensitive and if let her know it hurt. She could have posted about how she loved all of you for making her a mother and still made a little comment about being a grandmother too if she wished without snubbing you entirely.

Does your mum realise you’d like children? Maybe she thinks you are fine with being childless? I don’t think opting out of your family is the right choice to be honest, you are treating yourself as the black sheep rather than them doing it to you.

Oh your Mum's post was tactless. I think most people would be upset by that

Can you talk to your mum and have a bit of a heart to heart? It’s got to be worth a try if you’re thinking of stepping back.

Yes, I have agree with PP. Your mum sounds quite insensitive. I am not surprised you're feeling upset.

Is the 'black sheep' feeling only since this situation developed or have you always felt less favoured than your sisters?

I'm the only single one in my family, and I get those feelings too.

But honestly, avoiding family is just isolating yourself. What do you hope to gain, long term

That was probably not intended to hurt, but it was not nice and I would have been a bit upset.

I wouldn't miss Christmas or parents birthdays etc., but I would definitely consider giving other get togethers a miss. I would try to pre-empt and make other arrangements.

Do you get on well with your dad? Could you talk to him about how you feel? "It was a nice post that mum did on mother's day, but I admit to feeling a bit sidelined in the scheme of things sometimes"

Your mum was a dick here!
If that had been my house I’d have taken yours as well, and said ‘I’d like one of the three sisters - Sunday,Monday&tuesday jump in’

or suggested ‘x child would you like a photo with auntie Sunday’

im so sorry they are tactless!

Yes, but I’m pointing out that the perceived bonding of other siblings is a thing even when you flip it, and that being married with a child can also make you the outlier in your family when everyone else has made different choices.

Wow! That Facebook post sounds very hurtful - I think most people would feel the same about that. Actually, that would probably make me feel the same way as you OP, sorry you’re dealing with that.

Remember though, your sisters having children has nothing at all to do with you having them or not - it’s not a family quota and the situations between you and them are unrelated. Enjoy your current family whilst you pursue your future one. I do wish you every bit of luck with it all and hope you find your happy ending, whatever that may look like.