To not attend family gatherings as the only single person

This smug narrow mindedness angers me. My 50 year old DD gets this. She lives in London where she never gets those bloody questions about boyfriends/is she married but when she comes up north for a visit there’s always the same few people who ask them. Sometimes they ask me if she “has anybody yet”. Since I replied with “I don’t know, she’s 50 and it’s not my business “ a few times, they’ve stopped asking me.
I advised her to reply next time with “Not at the moment. By the way how often do
you have sex?” 😀

Definitely step back. They are all tone deaf and it doesn’t seem that you are going to change that. Look after yourself and your well-being and see them when it suits you on a one to one basis.
it maybe that you like being an aunt and adore your niblings, but there’s also no shame in not wanting a close relationship with them or being the one that has to be the fun aunt, go to babysitter etc.

Eek that sounds a bit of a callous response tbh. Do you think she felt defensive? I’m so sorry OP , I really feel for you. I wish people were more understanding about these things

I would say at this point your mother sounds awful and quite self obsessed. Imagine only recognising value in your children if they have had kids. Make your life full and rich outside of the family and gently step back from these gatherings.

I had this once OP. Can you brazen it out a little - act "as though" you feel strong and good about your life and situation. It does work, as people react differently to you then. The situation you are "acting" then can become the reality. So as they used to say - chin up, best step forward, you have a lovely life - go to family events and share it, being at the centre of the family rather than feeling peripheral. Good luck.

You are absolutely entitled to feel as you do - and your mother is a twat/bitch for her FB post

It’s really rotten. As someone who is permanently single and was childless (not by choice) until age 40, I feel the pain and feelings of “otherness”. Your family also seem a bit insensitive.

Sometimes there is no right answer - you don’t go and feel left out or you go and feel eft out. I always opted for the latter.

For some parenthood never comes, and it must really hurt. It may be that you have explored options, none of which are easy and can be heartbreaking to try. But if you haven’t, there are many ways to have a child alone. It’s not as scary as it might sound. Sorry if this last bit insensitive in anyway or hits a nerve xx

Having read your last update I would definitely cut down on the amount of things I attend rather than dutifully turning up to everything every week (to be ignored and have to sit on the floor!).

I wouldn’t do it in a moody way, just be more busy, do more things for yourself, even if it’s just a quiet weekend with a book.

Yeah that Facebook post is horrible.

i know my mum loves being a gran, after it looked unlikely with me not wanting them and my sibling being gay. (This was early 90s) but luckily sibling adopted. But she would never publicly post something that is deliberately a slight to me. She 109% does wish my sibling happy parents day when they are posting pics of them and kid to celebrate and says what a great parent they are. But not on a post about her (my mums) relationship to her kids.

I can really empathise with you, as I've been through this. I'm the older of two sisters, and family events were always my mum and dad, my sister and husband, their two children - and me. I felt lonely and a failure. We went on holiday together once, which probably should have been lovely, but was awful for me. Luckily we weren't a family who had many family occasions, but I started to avoid those we did have as they were just too painful for me.

It sounds as if you get on OK with your individual family members, so, as others have suggested, I'd try to see them separately where possible, rather than as a family group. How would you feel about talking to any of them about how you feel? I didn't feel able to do that, but if you can, and they're nice people, hopefully they'd think about changing things so they're a bit easier for you.

Your mum's post was very insensitive. I'm not surprised you felt hurt by it - I would too.

Look after yourself. Feeling like the black sheep of the family is very difficult.

If you have good relationships with individual family members can you have a chat with a few of them individually about how you’re feeling and what changes would make family gatherings feel more welcoming and inclusive for you, which at the moment they aren’t? I’d hope they might want to know how you’re feeling and have the opportunity to make some changes rather than letting you just drift away.

ETA: obviously in an ideal world they’d have more sensitivity and empathy in the first place, particularly your mum, and it shouldn’t have to be your responsibility to lay it out for them. But, assuming they’re just being thoughtless rather than intentionally unkind, it does sound like some laying out might be needed.

Totally get you @Sundaycoffee and huge sympathies. Been there, got the T-shirt.

But the young children stage will pass ...

I do see why you feel the way you do but I really wouldn’t recommend avoiding these events unless you are prepared to become very isolated. If you have a full life otherwise with friends, busy social life etc and aren’t bothered if you end up left out of family things then that might not be an issue but once it becomes clear you don’t want to attend you will stop getting invited, you’ll be left out of the plans and as I say, that might be okay with you, but if it’s not then I would think twice about skipping things.

I'm 54, male, the youngest child of 7 and have been entirely single all my life. I was never interested in fatherhood - I don't really like children that much - but I didn't ever envisage eternal bachelorhood either. It has been an increasingly difficult pill to keep on swallowing in the last 20+ years. All my sisters and brothers have been in stable marriages for between 15 and 38 years and all but one have children and grandchildren in two cases. One cannot help wondering how I turned out so differently and this was never far from my mind when being with my family at stuff like parties and weddings. I got to a stage where I simply couldn't be bothered and began leaving these gatherings after a short time. Admittedly having to drive everywhere meant I couldn't relax with a proper drink and had to make do with soda water while everyone else was on beer and wine. Eventually I stopped caring and stopped showing my face. I've missed a fair few weddings but I don't think it matters now - nobody expects my presence any more and my parents are long gone so I don't have them bending my ear. I don't dislike my sisters and brothers and the in-laws and extensions. I just don't feel anything in common with them any more.

O think by not attending these days then you are cutting your nose off to spite your face.

I had an aunt who had no children and she always made a huge effort for all the nieces and nephews. I have such treasured memories of her and would have hated her to have withdrawn from family events.

Even my children have wonderful memories, she passed away recently and left my daughter a beautiful piece of jewellery. She is dearly missed.

You’re not being unreasonable at all. That sounds grim, and like your mum is very insensitive. I’d worry though that you isolating yourself wouldn’t help you long term. Could you talk to your sisters? FWIW, my aunt was single and no children, and she was and is the most loved member of our family. I consider her my second mum. You have the opportunity to have the most special relationships with your nieces and nephews.

I get it OP but you may be surprised to find I get it from the angle of having had a kid versus two siblings without children (who definitely will not have them). My parents love their grandchild but definitely always favoured my siblings and it’s been a long time since they were parents to young children, so they are done with it all.

So everyone sits with lovely meals in front of them, talking adult conversation while I am running all over the place maybe having swallowed quickly one bite, chasing my kid around. Always wishing someone would lend a hand so I could sit and join the adult conversation, and eat and talk for five minutes peacefully.

I am also the black sheep! I am thinking to step away myself.

The Facebook post is staggeringly crass and insensitive, however re DM also preceeds to take individual family photos of each of my two sisters and their family "SundayCoffee I know you don't like having your photo taken so I won't take yours" but this just because feels awkward having a photo on my own or with my mum and dad! While my two sisters get their group family photos.
I'm just worried if I start missing out on these things it will make things worse.
By really squinting, could it have been that it.was a nice opportunity for each family group to get a nice Easter group photo and not about making you feel bad? I know for us it's rare we get a chance for a photo of the 4 of us!

I suffered with infertility due years, adopted at 44. As the only childless person in a large family it wasn't easy. But that's how life is, there were other compensations from family life. Can't you enjoy the bits you can enjoy, and ignore the rest?

If you avoid family get togethers you will feel - and be - increasingly sidelined. You'll not know about shared conversations, plans made, jokes shares, nor kept up with the news in everyone's lives.

When young children are in play, they will always be a dominant topic among families. Hell, we're only in families because they (our parents) had children. So it's inevitable there will be a focus on grandchildren and conversations about various stages of parenting. It's something they have all been through or are going through.

But that's not all there has to be. With my BIL it's a shared love of a genre of films; with my dad and my MIL it's birdwatching; all the adults are particularly competitive about Gin Rummy that follows all shared meals.

Finding other common ground that allows you to keep those strong bonds with your family is more likely to make you feel connected to your family than to pull apart and be The One Who Never Shows Up.

As for the Mother's Day post - I think you're reading in to it something that wasn't there. Mother's Day is about appreciating mothers. Your mum was congratulating your sisters on being good mums, acknowledging their roles as mothers. It's not for acknowledging all your offspring* Mothers. God knows they only get one day a year.

*I love that word. Blame Finding Nemo if you don't like it yourself. Mine are Offspring, we are Parental Units. Dude.

You are not being unreasonable. I am slightly older than you but recall being happy when I was overseas not having to attend all family functions as I found them very painful as somebody childless by circumstance.

I took the time to grieve and move on and not love spending time with my massive brood of nieces and nephews.

Do as much or as little as you want. Protect your mental health as a priority.

I'm sorry that you have to put up with that. It does seem a bit tactless of them. I had kids very late in life and before then my siblings were bigging me up as the fun auntie (which I enjoyed). They also enjoyed hearing about all the things I was getting up to as a single childless person and avoided talking too much about their kids when we got together.

I agree with the PP who said maybe have a quiet word with your mum about it. You shouldn't have to isolate yourself. Maybe also keep changing the subject with them when they bang on about the kids. Obviously if it doesn't work, do what you need to do. They should know better.

Good question.

Agree and your mum is also ‘Tone Deaf’ regarding the Facebook post.
Maybe seeing why you feel left out….