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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to help IL’s anymore?

90 replies

happyeasterevwryone · 20/04/2025 11:54

IL’s were selling a house and promised me first priority as they know I wanted a BTL property.

We used to have a good relationship even though I felt as if it was a bit one sided with me helping them out all the time and never really getting any appreciation, FIL especially has a sarcastic and nasty streak.

FIL has a habit of treating the people who help him like MIL, myself and his son badly but the people who don’t bother with him like his eldest son he treats them very well and bends over backwards for (hence why I don’t have much to do with him anymore).

Anyway I was paying the full price on the house and it was agreed I purchase it at the full market value.

Next thing the son they have not anything to do with for 15 years is getting divorced and is purchasing it at half the market price.

I couldn’t believe it.

The oldest son is extremely selfish, cold and self centred and is just a user, me, DH and MIL can’t stand him actually.

Its like they never even told me that they were pulling out, I had to find out from DH.
I am quite upset about it all to be honest and I have told DH I wash my hands of them and for them not to keep asking me for help anymore.

AIBU?

OP posts:
UncharteredWaters · 20/04/2025 16:58

TeeBee · 20/04/2025 12:09

Well bloods thicker than water. He’s their son so would always trump you. Equally, its not your job to run around after them. Very rude c them not to tell you though. Now you can happily take a big step back and let them sort themselves out from now on, guilt-free.

Surely thought if They see the OP as water and not blood the would have been better to take the full market value from her?
Then they could have helped their ‘blood’ with more money?

Brefugee · 20/04/2025 16:56

Would you have told your DIL or just done it secretly, like OPs ILs did?

OP, i'd be saying "oh dear now i have to make up the savings i have forked out so far in the purchase process and have to research a new property. Good luck doing all the things"

then just block them and let your DH take over. Remind him he is not the golden child.

Fifthtimelucky · 20/04/2025 16:54

If I were in the same position I would definitely give my recently divorced child who needed a home priority over another family member who wanted the house as a buy-to-let rather than to live in.

I don’t think the price difference is a problem either.

Obviously it’s annoying, especially if you have lost money on legal fees etc but if you were paying the market price, you presumably won’t have any difficulty buying a similar house from someone else.

afig · 20/04/2025 15:39

Perfect example of reaping what you sow. I'd take a big step back from helping them. Now that your plans are all up in the air again, thanks to them, you don't have the leisure to help them. You will be too busy researching other properties and not wasting time on ingrates.

AprilShowers25 · 20/04/2025 15:24

How old are they? Selling their house to their son for well under the market rate would be seen as deprivation of assets if they need care or possibly regarding inheritance tax.

Elsvieta · 20/04/2025 15:00

Why are you expected to help more than your DH?

No, not U at all. Block their number and in future they can speak directly to their sons if they want anything. Advise DH to rehearse the phrase "Perhaps Selfish Son could help you with that" and then leave them to it.

SunshineAndFizz · 20/04/2025 13:58

I sort of understand them wanting to help their son, but I agree they’ve totally screwed you in the process.

How far down the line were you - will you lose money on surveys/solicitors etc?

I absolutely wouldn’t be bending over backwards to help them in the future.

Brefugee · 20/04/2025 13:25

Neither of you should help them more than now and again, and leave them to work it out.

Original poster
happyeasterevwryone · 20/04/2025 13:22

I have told DH that it is not my responsibility to keep helping them and I am made to feel bad.
It has been like this for years now, any time there is a problem I am expected to help and spend hours of my time helping them, even with something simple as booking a train ticket.

DH gets fed up aswell as he does a lot for them and is met with the same nasty attitude from FIL.
He even says can’t XYZ help for once?

OP posts:
murasaki · 20/04/2025 12:45

Well it sounds like he wants it to live in, and you wanted to make money. And he's their son. They should have spoken to you though.

pestowithwalnuts · 20/04/2025 12:42

Don't blame you OP.
In the future...if they need any help..and they will.. you can refer them to the selfish son

TheHerboriste · 20/04/2025 12:11

Wash your hands of them.

TeeBee · 20/04/2025 12:09

Well bloods thicker than water. He’s their son so would always trump you. Equally, its not your job to run around after them. Very rude c them not to tell you though. Now you can happily take a big step back and let them sort themselves out from now on, guilt-free.

Eggsboxedandmelting · 20/04/2025 12:02

Now you know your worth back away.

pinkyredrose · 20/04/2025 11:57

Definitely no more helping them!