Page 3 | To not want to help IL’s anymore?

happyeasterevwryone · 2025-04-20T10:54:53+00:00

IL’s were selling a house and promised me first priority as they know I wanted a BTL property. We used to have a good relationship even though I felt as if it was a bit one sided with me helping them out all the time and never really getting any appreciation, FIL especially has a sarcastic and nasty streak. FIL has a habit of treating the people who help him like MIL, myself and his son badly but the people who don’t bother with him like his eldest son he treats them very well and bends over backwards for (hence why I don’t have much to do with him anymore). Anyway I was paying the full price on the house and it was agreed I purchase it at the full market value. Next thing the son they have not anything to do with for 15 years is getting divorced and is purchasing it at half the market price. I couldn’t believe it. The oldest son is extremely selfish, cold and self centred and is just a user, me, DH and MIL can’t stand him actually. Its like they never even told me that they were pulling out, I had to find out from DH. I am quite upset about it all to be honest and I have told DH I wash my hands of them and for them not to keep asking me for help anymore. AIBU?

MumChp · 21/04/2025 07:22

Burntt · 21/04/2025 01:04

This reminds me of my parents. Different situations but they essentially fucked me and my sister over financially in favour of our brother. It caused a massive rift. Now brother has had all the money he can out of them he doesn’t visit and doesn’t help. I do a bit as i can’t leave the elderly with no help but there is no social visits or keeping in touch from me or sister. Now mother is sad and lonely and realising the result of always favouring the golden child so significantly: he’s to spoilt to care about her and daughters are to hurt to more than our duty. Sucks for her. Let your in laws reap what they have sown don’t help anymore

Tbh you don't own your parents. I would refer her to the golden child for any help.

PoppyTries · 21/04/2025 02:19

I can understand them wanting to make sure their son is taken care of, but they have to have known that he was not going to be helpful AND that reneging on your deal would be hurtful to you. I don’t think you’re unreasonable to not want to help them anymore. As a previous post stated, they’ve made their bed, now they need to learn to live with the consequences. Additionally, your FIL needs to finally learn that he just can’t treat people terribly and expect them to help him.

Burntt · 21/04/2025 01:04

This reminds me of my parents. Different situations but they essentially fucked me and my sister over financially in favour of our brother. It caused a massive rift. Now brother has had all the money he can out of them he doesn’t visit and doesn’t help. I do a bit as i can’t leave the elderly with no help but there is no social visits or keeping in touch from me or sister. Now mother is sad and lonely and realising the result of always favouring the golden child so significantly: he’s to spoilt to care about her and daughters are to hurt to more than our duty. Sucks for her. Let your in laws reap what they have sown don’t help anymore

MumChp · 21/04/2025 00:23

happyeasterevwryone · 21/04/2025 00:15

From what I understand BIL was renting a house and didn’t have the means to purchase his own property and IL’s took pity on him and wanted to help
him out.

Do DH went over for Easter tea with them, I stayed at home with our kids.

Apparently they really regret selling the house to him (he moved into the house last week) as they expected him to help them more, be around more but he has been out every night and has shown no interest in helping them.

I have told DH I will not be getting involved from this point and I will continue to keep away, they know what he is like so they kind of brought it on themselves and I don’t know what help they expect from him as he is 63 and are probably more healthier than him.

With them requiring help, I know they were relying on me to help care for them from the comments that they have made in the past.
I told DH they can knock that on the head as it won’t be happening.

Of course they did. Of course he won't.

Leave them to it. Their choice.

murasaki · 21/04/2025 00:19

Well, they made their bed......

I don't see a problem with them selling to him given he wanted to live in it and you didn't, but they expected him to help, and you have no obligation to do so just because he isnt. Hold firm.

Original poster

happyeasterevwryone · 21/04/2025 00:15

From what I understand BIL was renting a house and didn’t have the means to purchase his own property and IL’s took pity on him and wanted to help
him out.

Do DH went over for Easter tea with them, I stayed at home with our kids.

Apparently they really regret selling the house to him (he moved into the house last week) as they expected him to help them more, be around more but he has been out every night and has shown no interest in helping them.

I have told DH I will not be getting involved from this point and I will continue to keep away, they know what he is like so they kind of brought it on themselves and I don’t know what help they expect from him as he is 63 and are probably more healthier than him.

With them requiring help, I know they were relying on me to help care for them from the comments that they have made in the past.
I told DH they can knock that on the head as it won’t be happening.

OP posts:

CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee · 20/04/2025 23:21

Fuck those people. Don't give them another thought or ounce of your energy.

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/04/2025 23:17

AprilShowers25 · 20/04/2025 19:57

Yes capital gains tax as well, I didn’t think of that. I’m thinking of if they need to pay for care in the next few years and run out of money, it will be looked at as a deliberate deprivation of assets.

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Yeah wonder how smug BIL will be with his bargain if they are assessed as needing funding when their own money runs out and he needs to fund the shortfall.

Cornishclio · 20/04/2025 20:05

Well that is your cue to step back and let BIL help them.

AprilShowers25 · 20/04/2025 19:57

Redrosesposies · 20/04/2025 17:49

It's capital gains tax they need to pay (on the market value, not what they sell it for).

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Yes capital gains tax as well, I didn’t think of that. I’m thinking of if they need to pay for care in the next few years and run out of money, it will be looked at as a deliberate deprivation of assets.

Hotflushesandchilblains · 20/04/2025 19:00

To be honest, giving it to a divorced child rather than someone who wants a buy to let would seem ok to me. But not telling you themselves is shitty.

Tameys · 20/04/2025 19:00

Block their numbers and be done with it.
Why you have tolerated your FIL is beyond me.

Stop giving out about them and take action.
Block their numbers and tellbyour husband you don't want to hear a word about either of them going forward.

kaela100 · 20/04/2025 19:00

I would be telling them they'll need to rely on their eldest son arranging their funerals & to prepare for a pauper's funeral. But I'm petty

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/04/2025 18:52

It was a bloody stupid thing to do as it could have real ramifications of IHT and CGT if they own other property too. Any half decent accountant or solicitor should have told them that.

Muffinmam · 20/04/2025 18:27

happyeasterevwryone · 20/04/2025 13:22

I have told DH that it is not my responsibility to keep helping them and I am made to feel bad.
It has been like this for years now, any time there is a problem I am expected to help and spend hours of my time helping them, even with something simple as booking a train ticket.

DH gets fed up aswell as he does a lot for them and is met with the same nasty attitude from FIL.
He even says can’t XYZ help for once?

You shouldn’t be helping them with anything. If they can’t navigate life without you doing everything for them - then it’s time they were put in a home.

Brefugee · 20/04/2025 18:19

but it's cool in one respect, OP - every time they call you you can say "oh you have the wrong number you need BIL" and hang up

Lindy2 · 20/04/2025 18:15

The only way their son could get a very reduced price property, which he needs now to live in, is by buying from his parents.

You can buy a full price buy to let properties from any seller and you don't need it to not be homeless.

He's their son. Not having much contact doesn't change that.

His needs were different from yours and are arguably more urgent.

I can see why they did it. It's just unfortunate timing for you. There's no need to punish them for it.

Hopefully you'll find another property soon.

ThejoyofNC · 20/04/2025 18:07

I wouldn't do a single thing for them again.

You and your DH are married, so your money is joint. They were happy for one son to pay £300k but allowed the other to pay £95k. How on earth is your DH so accepting of that?

Tell them to go and ask the son who bought the house, each and every time they ask for something.

RosyDaysAhead · 20/04/2025 17:59

I’m surprised his mortgage company will let him but it for so much under asking price. It would send red flags of some kind of money scam. The IL’s would have to provide lots of paperwork

Original poster

happyeasterevwryone · 20/04/2025 17:55

They are in their 80s but in very good health and very fit for their age and extremely active.

The house was valued at £300,000 and son brought it for £95,000 and took great pleasure in telling us his mortgage was only for 7 years as he had cashed in on his work pension.

I will definitely take a step back, I don’t know why they always turn to me for help, they never help me.
DH has told them to stop expecting so much from me as the other son should be pulling his weight more.

OP posts:

Hatty65 · 20/04/2025 17:54

I would phone them up and say, 'Can I just confirm that you are selling the house to DBIL? DH seems to think that this is the case, but you've not actually spoken to me about it'. I'd keep my tone neutral. When they confirm it, simply say, 'OK, well I just needed to know where I stand' and ring off.

For every single future request for help I'd simply say, 'Oh dear. Can't BIL help?' in a vague tone. I'd do absolutely nothing. Simply keep repeating, 'I can't, I'm afraid,' if asked directly.

They will realise that they've shot themselves in the foot at some point.

TheHerboriste · 20/04/2025 17:50

UncharteredWaters · 20/04/2025 16:58

Surely thought if They see the OP as water and not blood the would have been better to take the full market value from her?
Then they could have helped their ‘blood’ with more money?

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Exactly. They shot themselves in the foot and screwed OP.

Be done with them.

Redrosesposies · 20/04/2025 17:49

AprilShowers25 · 20/04/2025 15:24

How old are they? Selling their house to their son for well under the market rate would be seen as deprivation of assets if they need care or possibly regarding inheritance tax.

It's capital gains tax they need to pay (on the market value, not what they sell it for).

Brefugee · 20/04/2025 17:46

the point being, sure, sell it to a family member. But tell the person you're already in the selling process with. That's just ignorant shithousery.

Createausername1970 · 20/04/2025 17:03

I can see both sides.

You were wanting to buy it to make money, but the family member (albeit a not very nice family member) needed a roof over their head

I understand how annoying it is for you, but I can't really find fault with your FIL - but he should have covered any costs you incurred.

But at the same time, I would take this as my cue to back-off and leave them to it.