Page 2 | To not want to help IL’s anymore?

happyeasterevwryone · 2025-04-20T10:54:53+00:00

IL’s were selling a house and promised me first priority as they know I wanted a BTL property. We used to have a good relationship even though I felt as if it was a bit one sided with me helping them out all the time and never really getting any appreciation, FIL especially has a sarcastic and nasty streak. FIL has a habit of treating the people who help him like MIL, myself and his son badly but the people who don’t bother with him like his eldest son he treats them very well and bends over backwards for (hence why I don’t have much to do with him anymore). Anyway I was paying the full price on the house and it was agreed I purchase it at the full market value. Next thing the son they have not anything to do with for 15 years is getting divorced and is purchasing it at half the market price. I couldn’t believe it. The oldest son is extremely selfish, cold and self centred and is just a user, me, DH and MIL can’t stand him actually. Its like they never even told me that they were pulling out, I had to find out from DH. I am quite upset about it all to be honest and I have told DH I wash my hands of them and for them not to keep asking me for help anymore. AIBU?

Shinyandnew1 · 21/04/2025 16:38

BIL has the cheek to ask if I would do his gardening for him.

MIL wanted me to go round earlier to discuss her issues with BIL

How are you responding to these requests? What are you actually saying to them?

Original poster

happyeasterevwryone · 21/04/2025 16:01

The house sale had gone through.

He had been living in the house rent free for weeks (they let him move in as they wanted him to move out of their house as they got fed up of cooking & doing his washing).

The understanding BIL had between them was that he would help them more around the grounds and help with maintenance of the land.
All he has done is brought his new girlfriend down and has had her dogs of the lead on their land and make a mess.

Apparently they are really regretting is but it’s not really my problem to be getting involved or hearing about it.
BIL has the cheek to ask if I would do his gardening for him.

Im letting them crack on with it and will move past it but obviously I know where I stand.

MIL wanted me to go round earlier to discuss her issues with BIL

OP posts:

Waterweight · 21/04/2025 14:29

Couldn't get too worked up about this if you were purchasing it at market rate - purchase another near by.

As for helping unless they're begging/in actual need help is often not appreciated. So only do what your comfortable with

(Also to add oldest son is still his child so it's not the worst thing in world to be loved for nothing)

Ilovecleaning · 21/04/2025 14:07

Haven’t read full thread yet but knowing your ILs as you do I don’t understand why you involved yourself. You might have known there’d be trouble.

RadFs · 21/04/2025 14:06

happyeasterevwryone · 21/04/2025 00:15

From what I understand BIL was renting a house and didn’t have the means to purchase his own property and IL’s took pity on him and wanted to help
him out.

Do DH went over for Easter tea with them, I stayed at home with our kids.

Apparently they really regret selling the house to him (he moved into the house last week) as they expected him to help them more, be around more but he has been out every night and has shown no interest in helping them.

I have told DH I will not be getting involved from this point and I will continue to keep away, they know what he is like so they kind of brought it on themselves and I don’t know what help they expect from him as he is 63 and are probably more healthier than him.

With them requiring help, I know they were relying on me to help care for them from the comments that they have made in the past.
I told DH they can knock that on the head as it won’t be happening.

Have they exchanged contracts? If not they might consider pulling out after seeing his behaviour

Kdubs1981 · 21/04/2025 14:03

happyeasterevwryone · 20/04/2025 13:22

I have told DH that it is not my responsibility to keep helping them and I am made to feel bad.
It has been like this for years now, any time there is a problem I am expected to help and spend hours of my time helping them, even with something simple as booking a train ticket.

DH gets fed up aswell as he does a lot for them and is met with the same nasty attitude from FIL.
He even says can’t XYZ help for once?

Just stop.

thepariscrimefiles · 21/04/2025 13:52

happyeasterevwryone · 21/04/2025 00:15

From what I understand BIL was renting a house and didn’t have the means to purchase his own property and IL’s took pity on him and wanted to help
him out.

Do DH went over for Easter tea with them, I stayed at home with our kids.

Apparently they really regret selling the house to him (he moved into the house last week) as they expected him to help them more, be around more but he has been out every night and has shown no interest in helping them.

I have told DH I will not be getting involved from this point and I will continue to keep away, they know what he is like so they kind of brought it on themselves and I don’t know what help they expect from him as he is 63 and are probably more healthier than him.

With them requiring help, I know they were relying on me to help care for them from the comments that they have made in the past.
I told DH they can knock that on the head as it won’t be happening.

Well they are reaping what they have sown aren't they? You owe them nothing and don't let them guilt trip you into helping again, because, surprise surprise, their selfish eldest son has turned out to be a big disappointment.

thepariscrimefiles · 21/04/2025 13:47

happyeasterevwryone · 20/04/2025 13:22

I have told DH that it is not my responsibility to keep helping them and I am made to feel bad.
It has been like this for years now, any time there is a problem I am expected to help and spend hours of my time helping them, even with something simple as booking a train ticket.

DH gets fed up aswell as he does a lot for them and is met with the same nasty attitude from FIL.
He even says can’t XYZ help for once?

Who is trying to make you feel bad? Is it your DH or your in-laws?

Just ignore any guilt tripping and stop helping them. Your FIL can pay for help now that he has sold his home to his eldest son.

Shinyandnew1 · 21/04/2025 13:42

any time there is a problem I am expected to help and spend hours of my time helping them

People can expect whatever they like. It's down to you to say yes or no.

If you want to spell it out to them, do so. 'You really upset me by agreeing to sell the house to me and changing your mind without even telling me. I think you should be asking other people to help out in future.'

HeddaGarbled · 21/04/2025 13:38

It’s a better use of the house for their son to live in it than for you to have as a BTL, IMO.

Feeling like they are using you is a separate issue and of course you can address that.

Eggsboxedandmelting · 21/04/2025 13:26

I have said this on several threads.. Op they see YOU as staff... Unpaid help.

Nothing more...
You know your worth and you can leave their entire shit show to their ds.. While you enjoy your own dc.... He can manage them. Or grow a pair....

mangochutneyjar · 21/04/2025 11:30

I have told DH that it is not my responsibility to keep helping them and I am made to feel bad
It has been like this for years now, any time there is a problem I am expected to help and spend hours of my time helping them, even with something simple as booking a train ticket

Dont feel bad, this makes my blood boil. Its always the women isnt it who are made to feel guilty for not running themselves ragged to care for in laws and never their precious sons.

Well fck that. Dont lift a finger for them- your BIL can help them seeing as he's now in such a great, comfortable position.

Do NOT feel bad for a second, you arent their daughter and even if you were it shouldn't be all on your shoulders. They clearly regret their decision- well tough shit. They made their bed, they can lie in it.

rosehipstalk · 21/04/2025 11:18

I kind of understand why they prioritised their son in these circumstances.

However, now you can absolve yourself of any help for them now and in the future. You 100% know for sure now that there is zero reciprocation on their part so sit back, put your feet up and next time they ask for help, tell them their son can do it.

You are under NO obligation whatsoever to help them out, care for them, do any favours for them. Their son can do that from now on.

Ignore any attempts at emotional blackmail and get used to using and saying the word NO. It's not about tit for tat, it's about the fact that your relationship with them is completely one sided and they are using you. Its not ok.

RealEagle · 21/04/2025 11:13

So where are they moving to?

Shinyandnew1 · 21/04/2025 11:04

With them requiring help, I know they were relying on me to help care for them from the comments that they have made in the past.

What comments have they made? What help do they ask for?

I would just say, 'no, I can't help-ask BIL' every time. If they didn't have the decency to even tell you themselves the deal was off, I would take my time replying to their texts as well. How crappy.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 21/04/2025 10:50

Brefugee · 20/04/2025 18:19

but it's cool in one respect, OP - every time they call you you can say "oh you have the wrong number you need BIL" and hang up

There you go, sorted! You could even add it to your answerphone message so you don't even need to pick up...

nomas · 21/04/2025 09:47

swirlyheadspiral · 21/04/2025 09:31

Always a possibility to speak to them and see what they say. Try to have an adult conversation about what happened etc. or yes you can go straight to never helping them again and having almost no relationship. Both options totally on the table

They’ve already had a conversation. Women don’t exist to help every elderly parent let down by a son.

ICantBeDoingWithThat · 21/04/2025 09:44

Well, you're definitely off the hook for any more helping them, so I'd take the win, step back and keep out of the forthcoming financial shenanigans.

swirlyheadspiral · 21/04/2025 09:31

Always a possibility to speak to them and see what they say. Try to have an adult conversation about what happened etc. or yes you can go straight to never helping them again and having almost no relationship. Both options totally on the table

Hoardasurass · 21/04/2025 08:27

@happyeasterevwryone I really hope that they need paid for care (that they can't afford now) in the next 7 years because this house sale will be classed as depreciation of their assets

nomas · 21/04/2025 08:20

So glad you’re not going to help them anymore. Don’t even help once, as they’ll just keep expecting it.

curious79 · 21/04/2025 07:44

AprilShowers25 · 20/04/2025 15:24

How old are they? Selling their house to their son for well under the market rate would be seen as deprivation of assets if they need care or possibly regarding inheritance tax.

This!!!
they’re still living in the property so they still benefit from it so it’s not as sensible as the brother seems to think.

I would have absolutely nothing to do with them. They sound vile.

Tameys · 21/04/2025 07:37

happyeasterevwryone · 21/04/2025 00:15

From what I understand BIL was renting a house and didn’t have the means to purchase his own property and IL’s took pity on him and wanted to help
him out.

Do DH went over for Easter tea with them, I stayed at home with our kids.

Apparently they really regret selling the house to him (he moved into the house last week) as they expected him to help them more, be around more but he has been out every night and has shown no interest in helping them.

I have told DH I will not be getting involved from this point and I will continue to keep away, they know what he is like so they kind of brought it on themselves and I don’t know what help they expect from him as he is 63 and are probably more healthier than him.

With them requiring help, I know they were relying on me to help care for them from the comments that they have made in the past.
I told DH they can knock that on the head as it won’t be happening.

The key thing is to tell your husband to no longer mention them or anything about them.
They are not your concern and you do not wish to fall out with HIM over his parents.

My friend did this years ago with her husband after years of them favouring his brothers family.
She retired as a nurse and they seriously thought she would help with appointments and care.
She hasn't gone near them.
They never bothered with her or her children for 20 years so how they manage this period of their lives is down to them.
Her BIL actually said he expected her to be of help. He was very firmly put in his place.

TheLurpackYears · 21/04/2025 07:35

Perfect time to step back from any feeling if duty and to spitefully hope they have a nice big, unexpected CGT bill to pay. They could well come up against deprivation of capital later in life too.

Tameys · 21/04/2025 07:31

Burntt · 21/04/2025 01:04

This reminds me of my parents. Different situations but they essentially fucked me and my sister over financially in favour of our brother. It caused a massive rift. Now brother has had all the money he can out of them he doesn’t visit and doesn’t help. I do a bit as i can’t leave the elderly with no help but there is no social visits or keeping in touch from me or sister. Now mother is sad and lonely and realising the result of always favouring the golden child so significantly: he’s to spoilt to care about her and daughters are to hurt to more than our duty. Sucks for her. Let your in laws reap what they have sown don’t help anymore

This surprisingly is not uncommon and very sad.
House and money handed to the male son who is nowhere to be seen and then hurt surprise when daughters step away permanently.

Three sisters I know were reared with complete favouritism and haven't had anything to do whatsoever with their parents in 20 years.
Despite living 10 minutes away.
Their brother moved to the states with his job and settled after selling the family home he had been gifted.
All their neighbours know what they did and that their daughters ceased contact and that has been shameful for them as it was viewed as such a wrong thing to do.
No sympathy at all.
None of them feel the slightest obligation to be involved.

I know of many cases where both free childcare and assets were gifted and golden child just never bothered to visit bar a couple of times a year, and again parental surprise when they never see their daughters or other grandchildren now that it suits.
Such foolishness.