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Original poster

To ask my boyfriend to clean his apartment before I come round?

287 replies

Heatabove · 20/04/2025 10:49

I live with my friend, we have been living together for 3 years since we graduated from university together. I am 28 years old and have been with my boyfriend for a year. He lives on his own, so when we get together I mostly go to his so that we have privacy.

I go round most weekends, and at first it was absolutely fine. The flat was always very clean and tidy Friday evening, but I did notice he is quite lazy. For example he would spill his fizzy drink and just leave it! Take his clothes off and leave them on the floor, his toilet seat came off months ago and he still hasn’t put it back on or got another one. So I think he would tidy everything before I came round but didn’t keep on top of it.

Lately, he hasn’t been tidying it before I come. I walk through the door and my heart drops. Clothes everywhere, dirty pots piled up, the bed sheets all crumpled, empty coke bottles ALL OVER the place! Then every single Sunday he says “let’s do a big clean” and I help him clean up. It takes us a while.

I’m now sick of it and I spoke to him and asked if he wouldn’t mind cleaning the place before I came round because it’s not a nice environment to be in, it makes me uncomfortable and I also don’t want to spend half my Sunday cleaning his mess! He waits all weeks for it to build up and then does it on a Sunday when I am there to join in. And I don’t think it’s fair. I have my own house to clean. He has kicked off with me. He is furious. He said “how dare you tell me what to do with my own flat” and we haven’t spoken since Thursday night.

Please could I have some outside perspective - am I in the wrong?

OP posts:
Potato1234 · 20/04/2025 13:36

The same thing happened with me when i first met my partner. He was digusting and lived like a pig. However, I cleaned up when he went out to work (I was a student at the time and had spare time). I deep cleaned all the time and he was very grateful, but he wouldn’t do it himself. I knew that I wanted to spend time with him and if that meant I had to either live in filth, or clean, then that’s the sacrifice I made to be with him. Fast forward to us living together, ten years later, he is the opposite (I assume it’s from years of putting my foot down). People do change, he won’t necessarily be like this the rest of his life. You’ve bruised his ego by asking him to stop being a slob and clean up before you stay over, I don’t think it’s an unreasonable request, but maybe you need to reflect on what is more important to you - being with him in a mess, or not being with him at all

Darkambergingerlily · 20/04/2025 13:36

Wow he will never change. He saves all
his housework as a special treat to you.

run run run run.

my husband has loads of issues but one of them I am truly grateful for is he is very clean and tidy!!

Maitri108 · 20/04/2025 13:33

Hwi · 20/04/2025 13:28

You come to his and bring sex on tap to his - like Deliveroo only with sex. Surely you are not saying he should clean his flat before opening the door to Deliveroo with a meal? Well, this is the same.

What are you talking about? Deliveroo. The OP is a human being, not chicken chow mein.

LittleGreenDragons · 20/04/2025 13:32

Think this through OP.

What are the long term goals of this relationship? To move in together? To get married? To have children? If it's any of those then run and don't go back.

If it's to stay in separate households, have sex, and help clean as payment for the good(?) sex then stay. Maybe spice it up a bit and put a French Maid's outfit on every now and then.

ThriveAT · 20/04/2025 13:28

This one is not a keeper.

Hwi · 20/04/2025 13:28

You come to his and bring sex on tap to his - like Deliveroo only with sex. Surely you are not saying he should clean his flat before opening the door to Deliveroo with a meal? Well, this is the same.

Zucker · 20/04/2025 13:26

He's using you as an unpaid cleaner on Sundays. Make him an ex.

DyslexicPoster · 20/04/2025 13:26

If its none of your business what he does in his flat and it's state, why is he asking you to clean it? Just repeat that back to him.

I think he views you as his cleaner now. You would dealing with his mess forever if you stay. Also being rude when you question him? Fuck that.

Sounds like a filthy dirty abusive pig. There are decent men out there.

WhyDoYouThink · 20/04/2025 13:26

FigTreeInEurope · 20/04/2025 12:13

In my twenties i lived on a canal boat, which got much dirtier than a flat because i had a coal fire, a shaggy dog, and a muddy towpath outside. I'd always super clean before my gf came round, if im honest it was part of the dating ritual. I'm 50 odd now, and i'm still the one that cleans and tidies to make our home nice. It's still a bit of a dating ritual too, i want my wife to feel good that we live in a nice place, and i make it nice to some extent, for her. I built our house myself, and i always feel proud when she's showing it off to visitors. It's a much more important, and romantic part of being a loving partner than people give credit.

I wish more men felt like this. A lot of men have fragile egos or something and see doing domestic chores as demasculating or have been socialised to believe it's not their responsibility. It's just showing basic respect to your partner

NeedToChangeName · 20/04/2025 13:17

I think it was a mistake to ask him to clean his flat. Not your place to tell him how to live

But, if you'd said that you didn't feel comfortable visiting a dirty flat, then he could choose whether to clean it, or accept you might end the relationship

And, outrageous he expected you to clean up on Sundays, in addition to cleaning your own house

BellissimoGecko · 20/04/2025 13:11

Cheeky mucky fucker.

him, not you.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 20/04/2025 13:09

He got angry as you cottoned on to his scheme, and pulled it into daylight. Up until then, he thought he was onto a winner and that he had the ability to control you.

Newsflash ...he doesn't!

Block him and move on.

brownbear201 · 20/04/2025 13:04

Yes, it'll not change. My DD briefly dated a young man who had his own flat. His Mum visited every other week and spent the weekend scrubbing his flat for him, including changing his bedding. When DD asked him about it, it turns out that he and his brothers had never been expected to do any household chores at all growing up. Apparently he grew up in a household where Dad went to work and Mum did all the cooking and cleaning. As an adult he did the bare minimum cleaning until his Mum came to clean it properly. DD knew that if she continued the relationship she'd be the one doing most of the cleaning.

beetr00 · 20/04/2025 13:04

@Maitri108

"great in bed and made a decent cup of tea" 😂

For God's Sake, raise your bar, I think you're joking but honestly....

Sex and tea? Is that all you really need from your life

KTSl1964 · 20/04/2025 13:04

You are fool then and have self esteem issue which you may benefit from counselling - he's showing you who he is and your accepting it - your told him your boundaries and he's walking over them all.

ThisFluentBiscuit · 20/04/2025 13:01

Any man worth his salt would clean his flat every Thursday, knowing that his gf was coming on Friday.

He can't think much of you to let you see his place in such a state.

Maitri108 · 20/04/2025 12:59

I'd put up with the mess if he was great in bed and made a decent cup of tea. I wouldn't help him clean and I wouldn't see him as long term relationship material.

Hastentoadd · 20/04/2025 12:55

Heatabove · 20/04/2025 10:49

I live with my friend, we have been living together for 3 years since we graduated from university together. I am 28 years old and have been with my boyfriend for a year. He lives on his own, so when we get together I mostly go to his so that we have privacy.

I go round most weekends, and at first it was absolutely fine. The flat was always very clean and tidy Friday evening, but I did notice he is quite lazy. For example he would spill his fizzy drink and just leave it! Take his clothes off and leave them on the floor, his toilet seat came off months ago and he still hasn’t put it back on or got another one. So I think he would tidy everything before I came round but didn’t keep on top of it.

Lately, he hasn’t been tidying it before I come. I walk through the door and my heart drops. Clothes everywhere, dirty pots piled up, the bed sheets all crumpled, empty coke bottles ALL OVER the place! Then every single Sunday he says “let’s do a big clean” and I help him clean up. It takes us a while.

I’m now sick of it and I spoke to him and asked if he wouldn’t mind cleaning the place before I came round because it’s not a nice environment to be in, it makes me uncomfortable and I also don’t want to spend half my Sunday cleaning his mess! He waits all weeks for it to build up and then does it on a Sunday when I am there to join in. And I don’t think it’s fair. I have my own house to clean. He has kicked off with me. He is furious. He said “how dare you tell me what to do with my own flat” and we haven’t spoken since Thursday night.

Please could I have some outside perspective - am I in the wrong?

You were absolutely right, if you moved in with man child you would end up doing all the chores for him,
Its insulting that he doesn’t tidy up before you come round, he is no longer embarrassed that you can see how messy he is so he must think he has you in the bag

beetr00 · 20/04/2025 12:54

Dillydollydingdong · 20/04/2025 12:25

My bf is a bit like this, piles of clothes on the floor, dirty kitchen, but he knows I'm never going to move in. I do the washing up, maybe empty the waste paper baskets. But that's all. And I just laugh at his mess.

why would you laugh @Dillydollydingdong

Is it your role in life to teach him to be a decent/equal partner?

PunchUpInPoplar · 20/04/2025 12:44

Being messy is one thing. Expecting your girlfriend to help you clean during your time together is….a pisstake. At least he’s showing you he’s lazy and expects you to do the housework now. Don’t move in with this guy!

EstherGreenwood63 · 20/04/2025 12:44

Raise the bar! He is a skank and no way would I be having sex with a skank.

Tameys · 20/04/2025 12:43

OP, kindly meant but you have huge self esteem, respect and boundary issues if you are prepared to have doubted yourself for so long over his living conditions.

The burgers in the fridge is an extraordinary level of filth.

I would be very worried about your vulnerability.
He clearly has zero respect for himself or you.

You desperately need to invest in the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to figure out what is going on.

You do not want to end up with some abusive filthy loser, and children with it.

Two excellent books to buy to help you educate yourself are:

"Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood
"Why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft

Two books that will help you learn how to spot the wasters.

ICantBeDoingWithThat · 20/04/2025 12:42

It's a very firm LTB from me.

Thelnebriati · 20/04/2025 12:42

You pay to travel to his flat and clean it. Thats a choice you are making and I'm almost tempted to vote YABU.

BeansCounter · 20/04/2025 12:28

At risk of joining a brigade, just fucking dump him.

He doesn't respect you. Would you do this to him? Holding someone to the standards that you have for yourself is healthy, in the main. Stops this fucking hand wringing about whether something is acceptable or not.

Newsflash: it's not. Respect yourself and tell him to fuck right off.