To ask my boyfriend to clean his apartment before I come round?

That’s so funny. You’ve been providing sex and free maid services? And when you’ve hinted that you don’t want to continue with the free cleaning service he’s gone ballistic and yet you’re here wondering if YOU are the unreasonable one?? If you like this guy enough to not dump him rn ( which is option one) then simply stop going round for the weekend to his doss house. Tell him you simply can’t face it in the state it’s always in. Lack of weekend sex will probably concentrate his mind enormously 🤣

I have voted that you are being unreasonable because he is right - it isn't up to you to comment on how he chooses to live or expect him to live as you wish. If you had said "should I take this as a red flag as to what any future with him would be like and walk away?" then I would have been voting to run like hell and find someone better.

Well there is your red flag right there. Lazy bastards don't change. More fool you for helping him clean. I'd have been right out of there the first time he suggested it. If it's "nothing to do with you", make that permanent. You will live to regret it if you don't!

When me and DP first started living together, he had just come from living with his parents. I have been out on my own since I was a teen, and also come from a family where you do chores. My mum used to say “I birthed you so do the dishes”. When we moved in together we almost split up because he was a slob, so we sat down and literally drew up an agreement about who does what and when. It’s changed over the years and we are now on the 4th one. If you plan on ever moving in with him, I suggest you do this. People say it’s a bit Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory , and yes it is but it saves so many pointless arguments.
As for right now, I suggest you tell him how you feel, and explain you won’t be staying in a dirty apartment. If you’ve talked about moving in together, I would say you won’t be moving in and doing all his domestic labour so you need to see him prove he is capable of doing it.

He’s giving you loud and clear warning of what living with him would be like. I’d run a mile.

You're not unreasonable. It's not an unreasonable request to ask him to clean a bit before you come over when he lives in squalor.

But.

This is a big but.

He thinks you're unreasonable. Why? Because he sees you as his bangmaid. You go over there for the pleasure of having sex with him and cleaning up after him. You are there to do the work. He got mad when you didn't. That shows you your place in his life.

He lives amid mouldy food, he doesn't clean up spills, he's disgusting.

I was young and in love 😆 no way would I do this now

Gosh this man sounds dreadful. He should be trying to impress you as much as possible at this stage of a relationship! This would only worsen after you move in together or get married.

I saw my now- husband once a week when we worked in different areas of the country and he was your boyfriend's age. He spent the week cleaning and it was spotless /he'd washed sheets etc. when I arrived. He's a wonderful husband now -washes the kids'/his own clothes and does pretty much all the household cooking. I saw a glimpse and liked what I saw. It seems you have taken a glimpse of the future and don't like the look of it. If he is not receptive/responsive to criticism here, you're at risk of ending up being a skivvy to him as he won't help with housework/he might encourage this attitude in future children. If this doesn't change, get out as fast as you can.

Omg he would be the worst husband possible. And the absolute cheek of him to say “come on let’s do a big clean” on a Sunday to you as if he just expects you to be his cleaning lady.
you will really REALLY regret it if you end up staying with this disgusting lazy misogynistic pig.

The reason he’s clean and smells nice and he used to have a tidy flat when he first knew you is that he does what he need to appear as he should in front of people who matter a lot e.g. work colleagues and a new girlfriend.
He’s now showing you his true colours because he thinks he can get away with using you as his cleaner.
Time to get rid.

Don’t move in with him. Leave now. A lazy man is good for no one.

But what a lack of care or respect for OP from this miserable man. Not even caring enough about her to welcome her and make her feel comfortable at his. Definitely throw him back.

You've told him to clean before you come over. You've said it once.

I'd go over again. But know before you set foot in the house, that you're turning around and walking out and going home if it's filthy.

Don't make a fuss, argue. Just tell him, no, I'm not staying if you haven't cleaned. And then leave. It'll probably be more effective than an argument.

He's using you as a shag/maid service. Throw him back!

He steps up like a reasonable human being or he ships out. I'd be long gone if I was you. But then I would never have got involved in cleaning HIS flat in the first place. Women on here often have subterranean levels of aceptance of rubbish from men.
By the way, his getting angry at your entirely reasonable request is him trying to push an important boundary about expectations. Don't let him get away with it.

What you do is when he says “let’s have a big clean”, is say “no problem, I will leave you to it then” and go home. If he kicks off at that, then clearly he is using you a maid he can fuck. You’re not there to clean his mess up that he makes all week. Draw clear boundaries.

I would dump him personally-he is not a keeper.

I'd say he's in the minority. Most don't change. I'd also automatically get the ick from someone who lived in filth and even if I had all of the time in the world, I wouldn't be cleaning up after a man.

I know! Such a strange thing to say.

You are so right - this is exactly what I am on about!

What are his bed sheets like?
I bet they are rank. 😬

"not chicken chow mein"

or a cup of tea? some women set such a low bar @Maitri108, don't they?

Dump him. Honestly that's the only answer here.

Yuck. You don't want to live with (and definitely not have kids with someone like that). He won't pull his weight and will have you doing all the work. Don't waste your time. Dump him now.

Seriously, get rid as he sees you as a booty call and cleaner. He’s not going to change. If he cares, he’d do a clean up before you came. Stop being a mug/idiot and ditch him.

@Heatabove

Ugh. Major ick. Ditch him now & leave him to his squalor & rancid food!

If he's not making effort this early into a relationship, it will only get worse...much worse. 🤢