To ask my boyfriend to clean his apartment before I come round?

yep, I have a female friend whose flat is extremely messy - piles of unwashed dishes, overflowing sink, heaps of dirty laundry etc. she is naturally messy but depression has made it worse.

I’m not saying this to shame her, I do sympathise with her - but my point is that as messy/depressed as she can be not once has she asked a boyfriend to deep clean or even surface clean!

Her aunt occasionally comes over and offers but that’s completely voluntary and not a regular thing anyway.

Depression is no excuse for treating people poorly.

Get him to hire a cleaner. Ultimatum time - a clean flat, or I walk. (Fast, OP, don’t look back.)

He asks his girlfriend to do a deep clean regularly when she’s the one making all the effort to travel to his. He doesn’t seem grateful about this and has blown up at her and resorted to anger/ DARVO (acting like he’s the victim) and freezing her out when she raised it as an issue.

What part of that is kind? And funny how he is not too depressed to clean when OP has to help.

Btw, many of us have struggled with mental health which may or may not affect our ability to keep our surroundings clean. However we would rather pay a cleaner to come round every week than subject our bf/gf to having to deep clean or spending time in a dirty place.

And if we did rope them into cleaning we’d at least be humble and show gratitude and not act entitled about it like OPs boyfriend has. Apparently it’s ok for him to enlist her help for deep clean, but how dare she ask him to do it himself!

Again - not kind or decent. OP - run!

The fact that he's been furious with you for making a very reasonable suggestion to him – ie not to put you on the cleaning rota for a property you don't even live in – should tell you everything you need to know: He doesn't like push-back from women.

And that's quite aside from the fact that he's got low hygiene/tidiness standards.

If you stay, neither of these things will change. They will become your norm, I promise you. Depends if you're up for that or not.

' let's do a big clean '
I'll go home now and off you go,
every. single. time.

you are not there to clean for / with him, you don't live there

stop checking his fridge - he is an adult, the fridge is his
his problem his responsibility

Throw this one back. You can do better.

Let's do a big clean my arse. If you want to stay with him (I wouldn't) next time you go round to his place refuse to go in if its messy. I don't think this relationship has legs though.

If he's not prepared to make any effort at this early stage then that's all you need to know Op. He expects you to travel to him all the time, he's not prepared to make the place clean when you visit, in fact he's moved all cleaning to a day when your there to help. As MN often says - when someone tells you who they are, believe them - this is who he is, a man whose happy to live in squalor

He's leaving it so that you help him clean on a Sunday! Lazy pig.

Why is depression such a go-to when it comes to men? It might explain why he lives in a shithole but it doesn't magically make you treat the woman in your life as a cleaner. Or then throw a strop to manipulate her.

Edit - sorry, I'm having a real issue with quotes disappearing. This was a response to someone, not a random plonked post.

You really don't need outside input, you know what your gut is telling you but don't want to listen to.

He's not the partner you want to share your life and children with. Ending the relationship is a few months of pain and the freedom to find the person you really like and feel comfortable with.

Well now you have asked him and he has given you his response/reaction.
Perhaps time to move on?

Don't bother asking him to clean his apartment. I had one like this. The problem is, once things progress and you're living with them, you've got their mess 24/7 forever because they'll never ever clean up again. You'll always get sick of it long before they do. So you'll be doing all of the cleaning, tidying up their mess and literally all house chores forever and ever until you get sick of it and leave them. Please, just skip straight to the leaving part and save yourself years of misery. Find someone who actually cares about you and your comfort and is a halfway decent human being. This man isn't.

YABU to remain with him. You are better off single.

He's a cheeky bugger. How dare he think you should help him do a big clean when you go to see him? Please don't end up marrying this man (if that was ever your plan) - you'll end up spending your entire life clearing up after him and getting more and more frustrated by it.
Seriously, ask yourself if he'd be happy if you were to do this when he came over to yours? I don't think so. He's an entitled manchild who thinks you should be grateful that he wants you to do this. Get out of this now and let him know exactly why. Maybe he'll then realise that he's ridiculous.

You really deserve a lot better than this disrespectful lout. Find a house trained one.

This is so true. I wish I’d realised that.

He’s a knob. Block him.

And you did NOT “tell him when to clean”. You let him know that you don’t enjoy spending half your weekend in a pigsty and half your weekend cleaning one. You told him this so that if he gave a shit about your feelings or had any remnants of self-respect, he could do something about it.
But he doesn’t care.
It’s that old “when someone shows you who they are, believe them” thing.

He's got an unpaid cleaner with benefits. It's disrespectful and unappealing.

There's nothing wrong with your stance on this: he wants to live like a pig, you don't. Tell him you're dumping him because of it as it's a total turn off for you. He may find a new but similarly minded gf who doesn't give a shit about mouldy burgers stinking the fridge out for weeks on end and will clean up his shit for him but that's not you (nor anyone else with an ounce of self respect.) Rest easy, you have every right to find this gross.

Yep. Lured you in and he has been trying to train you to do wife work.
You have glimpse of the future you’d have if you stay with him. In fact it would only get worse because, if you lived together, he’d suddenly be playing footie on Sunday or something and you’d be doing the lot, not just helping.

Op I just selected 'see all' your posts and am saddened that you're still wasting time on him. Why would you even bother carrying on with the relationship?

I reckon he was having a cleaner round because he's a skanky bastard, but he's sacked her off now because he thinks you'll do it for free.

He’s obviously leaving it until you come round so he can land you with half the work. Bin him.