Page 5 | To ask my boyfriend to clean his apartment before I come round?

WhySoManySocks · 20/04/2025 17:09

Do not have children with this man.

StellaLaBella · 20/04/2025 16:55

Chicheguevara · 20/04/2025 16:08

He is what my Nan would have called ‘Clatty’.
Having a dirty home environment is a huge turn off, and as for expectations of you helping him on a Sunday! He is cheeky beyond belief.

I am sure he is a professional person with clean clothes. He probably uses an ironing service.
Have you anything at his? If not, let him sulk as you have dodged a bullet there.

Ha! I just used ‘clatty’ the other day, it’s an expression I only ever heard in my Irish home town growing up.

OP - c’mon now. How you haven’t gotten the ick a long time ago is beyond me? The not wiping up a drink or mouldy burgers for weeks? I seriously could never fancy him again. Also can’t believe you fell for the “let’s get stuck in together” more than once, he absolutely knows he’s taking the piss and he doesn’t bloody care. Please reflect on that before you embark on another relationship. Guys like him hate good boundaries, which is why he’s so mad you’ve stood up for yourself

BuntyBeaufort · 20/04/2025 16:53

Unless you want to spend the rest of your life skivvying for a lazy loser dump him now.
If it’s this bad now it’s gonna get a hell of a lot worse.

Dweetfidilove · 20/04/2025 16:48

YABU for entertaining this shit.
He's filthy and not ashamed of it.
He's lazy and now knows you'll happily help him weekend after weekend.
He has no incentive to change when you're there mothering him.
Stop trying to fix grown men.

As @gamerchick says - this is your future if you hang on to him.

HouseAshamed · 20/04/2025 16:44

He's using you as a cleaner. Stop enabling him.

NeverOneBiscuit · 20/04/2025 16:43

You won’t be able to have a “normal conversation” about it. He’s made it quite clear that this is his expectation of you. You dared to question why you’re expected to clean up his weeks worth of mess - look at his reaction?

What conversation are you expecting? Most decent people would be mortified if their partner called out their dirty living habits. But then most decent people don’t live like slobs & expect their visiting partner to clean their home, with a side order of being ignored if they complain.

Why don’t you think you deserve more than this in a relationship?

AngelicKaty · 20/04/2025 16:43

@Heatabove So he says "how dare you tell me what to do with my own flat" to which your reply should have been "how dare you tell me 'let's do a big clean' when it's your fucking mess from the last week that I'm cleaning?!"
You haven't spoken since last Thursday. I would continue with that - for the next five decades at least ...

Lotsofsnacks · 20/04/2025 16:41

Just dump him OP!! You’re young please don’t moved in and have kids with this man, he’s shown you who he is, lazy!! Of course he waits for Sundays to clean up as he has a willing volunteer who will help him!! Please move on, there’s plenty of lovely men, who aren’t slobs out there!!

ViolasandViolets · 20/04/2025 16:41

Ultimately, he is happy living in a pig sty and will always be happy living in a pig sty. So he is NBU being resentful of your criticising him. You just need to decide whether you are happy living in a pig sty for ever more, or if not find someone else or accept you will always have to do the cleaning and can never complain. Given you are resentful now that feeling will only get worse.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/04/2025 16:37

He isn’t a keeper. The rest is just noise.

Newmumhere40 · 20/04/2025 16:36

Heatabove · 20/04/2025 16:32

Thanks for the responses everyone. Since he isn’t talking to me right now it’s a good time to properly think things over.

It’s something that has been bothering me for a while but he made me feel like I should help him clean because I’ve been there since Friday evening and so we are cleaning “our mess” from the past few days before I go home. But it’s not the case at all, because I turn up Friday evening to a pig stye, and leave Sunday evening/Monday morning with a deep cleaned spotless house. Also I don’t even make any mess. It’s all his own things that I’m tidying. It suddenly hit me that I don’t have to put up with it but I thought we’d be able to have a normal conversation about it.

HE is not speaking to YOU? WTF

Newmumhere40 · 20/04/2025 16:33

Heatabove · 20/04/2025 10:49

I live with my friend, we have been living together for 3 years since we graduated from university together. I am 28 years old and have been with my boyfriend for a year. He lives on his own, so when we get together I mostly go to his so that we have privacy.

I go round most weekends, and at first it was absolutely fine. The flat was always very clean and tidy Friday evening, but I did notice he is quite lazy. For example he would spill his fizzy drink and just leave it! Take his clothes off and leave them on the floor, his toilet seat came off months ago and he still hasn’t put it back on or got another one. So I think he would tidy everything before I came round but didn’t keep on top of it.

Lately, he hasn’t been tidying it before I come. I walk through the door and my heart drops. Clothes everywhere, dirty pots piled up, the bed sheets all crumpled, empty coke bottles ALL OVER the place! Then every single Sunday he says “let’s do a big clean” and I help him clean up. It takes us a while.

I’m now sick of it and I spoke to him and asked if he wouldn’t mind cleaning the place before I came round because it’s not a nice environment to be in, it makes me uncomfortable and I also don’t want to spend half my Sunday cleaning his mess! He waits all weeks for it to build up and then does it on a Sunday when I am there to join in. And I don’t think it’s fair. I have my own house to clean. He has kicked off with me. He is furious. He said “how dare you tell me what to do with my own flat” and we haven’t spoken since Thursday night.

Please could I have some outside perspective - am I in the wrong?

I don't even know if I have the energy for these threads anymore....you know he's a fucking joke, a lazy dickhead but yet YOU have willingly cleaned HIS flat for him.....

He kicked off and told YOU off....yet you are here asking if you are being unreasonable...Jesus Christ.

Sorry for quoting original post. Frustrated.

Original poster

Heatabove · 20/04/2025 16:32

Thanks for the responses everyone. Since he isn’t talking to me right now it’s a good time to properly think things over.

It’s something that has been bothering me for a while but he made me feel like I should help him clean because I’ve been there since Friday evening and so we are cleaning “our mess” from the past few days before I go home. But it’s not the case at all, because I turn up Friday evening to a pig stye, and leave Sunday evening/Monday morning with a deep cleaned spotless house. Also I don’t even make any mess. It’s all his own things that I’m tidying. It suddenly hit me that I don’t have to put up with it but I thought we’d be able to have a normal conversation about it.

OP posts:

Ilikeadrink14 · 20/04/2025 16:28

Cursula · 20/04/2025 15:35

Get him to hire a cleaner. Ultimatum time - a clean flat, or I walk. (Fast, OP, don’t look back.)

I wouldn’t get him to hire a cleaner. If he won’t keep the place clean, just walk! You say he showers and has clean clothes. That’s now. Many men who start this way become less bothered as they age.
He sounds a nightmare, and you sound deluded!

Chicheguevara · 20/04/2025 16:08

He is what my Nan would have called ‘Clatty’.
Having a dirty home environment is a huge turn off, and as for expectations of you helping him on a Sunday! He is cheeky beyond belief.

I am sure he is a professional person with clean clothes. He probably uses an ironing service.
Have you anything at his? If not, let him sulk as you have dodged a bullet there.

NeverOneBiscuit · 20/04/2025 16:06

He lives in a dirty flat, but when it suited him in the early days he cleaned it to impress you. He also keeps himself personally clean as that’s the image he wants to portray.

The reality is he now thinks he’s reeled you in sufficiently that he no longer needs to bother. Moreover you’re expected to clean up his mess at the weekend. It is an expectation because look at his reaction.

He’s not a nice man. Is this how you imagined your boyfriend would be when you were younger? He’s not speaking to you, so that’s easy, block him & walk away. The fact you’re checking your reaction, which is 100% reasonable, shows that he’s already starting to undermine your self esteem & values.

Thistooshallpass. · 20/04/2025 16:05

Get rid . He won’t change - you won’t want to live with him as you’d spend your life clearing up after him . Also he’s using you as a cleaner deliberately waiting until Sunday for the clean up . There’s no future so move on and do better for yourself !

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 20/04/2025 16:01

Run for the hills..
This isn't going to get any better. He's a man child.

cordeliavorkosigan · 20/04/2025 16:01

Ewwwww just no. Gross.
The fact that it's unthinkable the other way around says a lot. He would never spend his Sundays cleaning your week's mess.
Definately a time for "when someone tells you who they are, believe them".

UserM6 · 20/04/2025 16:01

Pandimoanymum · 20/04/2025 11:08

He's personally clean and tidy because he makes the effort to shower and wash his clothes. Because he knows that being a smelly and untidily dressed person would affect his job and interactions with people outside his home. It's what society expects of us. But inside his home, that's where he can be totally himself and clearly his real self doesn't care about mess enough to clean it up. The fact he wasn't always like this shows that he was making an effort for you in the early days because he cared what you thought. Now he's got 'comfortable' with you he doesn't feel he needs to make that effort anymore. He's starting to take you for granted.

This

I am quite messy. I hate repetitive tasks so cleaning is my worse nightmare. I will always clean and tidy if I think someone’s coming round though.

I don’t think it makes him a terrible person but I do think you are incompatible.

MeridianB · 20/04/2025 16:00

gamerchick · 20/04/2025 10:53

This is your crystal ball into your future if you move in together. He waits now for you to come and clean up his shit. This will be your life forever if you carry on with this relationship.

Edited

This. What a fucking cheek - not only does he not care (for himself, for you ) but he expects you to clean with/for him every weekend? Unbelievable.

And I know it’s often quoted on here but honestly…. He is showing you who he is!

LTB.

Em1ly2023 · 20/04/2025 15:53

Heatabove · 20/04/2025 10:58

It does put me off him yeah, but I don’t understand how he’s like this because his clothes are always clean and ironed. He showers every day, he always smells nice. He is a professional man with a full time job.

I won’t carry on like that, which is why I brought it up. I thought, if he could change it then fair enough but if he won’t, I honestly don’t think I can carry on. But the way he has responded has made me wonder if I’ve been unreasonable and has me second guessing myself. It’s not nice to dread going to your boyfriend’s house.

Show quote history

And imagine if the shoe was on the other foot? He has a scruffy girlfriend and he’s expected to give up one of his (assumedly) only two days off to scrub the squalor you live in?! Ridiculous. He’s really using and disrespecting you by expecting this btw.
I would find this so unsexy that I wouldn’t want to do the deed 😕

Onitlikeasonnet · 20/04/2025 15:43

fallinlovenothate · 20/04/2025 11:59

Is he sick of the fact you only ever go to his flat? Do you share expenses when you're there?

Why would they share expenses? Does he pay for the deep clean service she is helping provide ?

It’s a minimum £50 for two hours cleaning round where I live and depending on how messy his place it might take more that. So I suspect OP is more than paying her way.

When he actually makes an effort to have the place clean and comfortable for her then maybe they can talk about splitting expenses - if any, because let’s not forget the expense of OP travelling to him.

Planetmonster · 20/04/2025 15:40

I don’t think he is a keeper, he’s not making enough effort for you at all

bin him off and find someone better

Busybeemumm · 20/04/2025 15:40

Please don't waste any more of your time with this man. It's only been a year so break it off as he has shown you who he is. He will not change and you have seen what you future could be like. At 28 years of age, you might be looking for a partner who you can build a life with and possibly even a family with. Picture yourself in his flat with a couple of kids. If you just can't then there is your answer!