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Original poster

To ask my boyfriend to clean his apartment before I come round?

287 replies

Heatabove · 20/04/2025 10:49

I live with my friend, we have been living together for 3 years since we graduated from university together. I am 28 years old and have been with my boyfriend for a year. He lives on his own, so when we get together I mostly go to his so that we have privacy.

I go round most weekends, and at first it was absolutely fine. The flat was always very clean and tidy Friday evening, but I did notice he is quite lazy. For example he would spill his fizzy drink and just leave it! Take his clothes off and leave them on the floor, his toilet seat came off months ago and he still hasn’t put it back on or got another one. So I think he would tidy everything before I came round but didn’t keep on top of it.

Lately, he hasn’t been tidying it before I come. I walk through the door and my heart drops. Clothes everywhere, dirty pots piled up, the bed sheets all crumpled, empty coke bottles ALL OVER the place! Then every single Sunday he says “let’s do a big clean” and I help him clean up. It takes us a while.

I’m now sick of it and I spoke to him and asked if he wouldn’t mind cleaning the place before I came round because it’s not a nice environment to be in, it makes me uncomfortable and I also don’t want to spend half my Sunday cleaning his mess! He waits all weeks for it to build up and then does it on a Sunday when I am there to join in. And I don’t think it’s fair. I have my own house to clean. He has kicked off with me. He is furious. He said “how dare you tell me what to do with my own flat” and we haven’t spoken since Thursday night.

Please could I have some outside perspective - am I in the wrong?

OP posts:
Pessismistic · 21/04/2025 22:35

Op do you think it was ok for him to sulk for a few days then get in touch. I honestly wouldn’t make the effort tbh. He’s not worth it. I hope you don’t change your mind.

Onitlikeasonnet · 21/04/2025 22:32

@altmember Well OP has already asked him to clean and that’s when he kicked off and told her to mind her own business before giving her the silent treatment. She gave him a chance to clean up his act - literally - and this is how he responded,

He has shown his true colours. Why do you think repeating herself will change the situation or why should she even have to?

He clearly has little respect or consideration for her so why should OP try and hang onto the relationship?

Onitlikeasonnet · 21/04/2025 22:28

@Heatabove if you don’t want to break up by text or phone, is there any way you can meet somewhere neutral like a busy park or a coffee shop?

He seems a bit volatile, not sure if it’s wise to go around to his house. And again it’s you having to make yet more effort.

altmember · 21/04/2025 22:28

YANBU, but by helping him 'deep clean' every Sunday you are enabling his laziness. So either don't help him clean on a Sunday (just leave when he suggests it), or don't go round there at the start of the weekend unless it's tidy. Warn him in advance: "I'm not coming round unless you've cleaned your house up". Then if you get there and it's still a mess, just turn on your heels and walk straight back out. I'm sure he can manage to clean it up himself (as he was doing when you first started going round there), just that he's got a bit lazy. I wouldn't dump him yet, see if he can't manage to do that first.

If it's clean when you get there on a Friday, then it'll fair enough to help tidy up on a Sunday after you've both been there all weekend (obviously there won't be anywhere near as much to do).

But just how much mess can one person make in a week anyway, that his whole house needs deep cleaning every Sunday?

Enrichetta · 21/04/2025 22:21

Do it by phone or email - he doesn't deserve an in-person break-up.

LittleMousewithcloggson · 21/04/2025 22:16

Do it on the phone
You can hang up when you want
If he’s been that nasty to you already you don’t need to put yourself through the things he could say to you tomorrow
You also don’t need emotional blackmail and false promises
You know you are right. Keep in control of this. Phone or text
And don’t back down

Shoemadlady · 21/04/2025 22:11

He’s taking the piss out of you and treating you like a cleaning lady.

ButterCrackers · 21/04/2025 22:08

Heatabove · 21/04/2025 21:39

I’m ok thanks. He messaged me today. I have decided to end things but I’m going to go round tomorrow because I don’t think it’s great to break up with someone over the phone

Show quote history

Call him. Don’t go round. You’ll be safe, you won’t have to listen to his whining, you won’t need to get up and leave - you can just put the phone down and block. Check on your safety. Alert your flatmate and family. What a loser he is expecting you to clean up his disgusting mess. Enjoy the free time you’ll have to meet new people, relax and enjoy.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 21/04/2025 22:05

Heatabove · 21/04/2025 21:39

I’m ok thanks. He messaged me today. I have decided to end things but I’m going to go round tomorrow because I don’t think it’s great to break up with someone over the phone

Show quote history

I wouldn't waste my time.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/04/2025 21:56

Heatabove · 21/04/2025 21:39

I’m ok thanks. He messaged me today. I have decided to end things but I’m going to go round tomorrow because I don’t think it’s great to break up with someone over the phone

Show quote history

Considering how lazy he is, I would break up over text. He can’t be bothered to clean, why should do emotional labour for him?

Although you being classy is good for you. I suppose…

Thepossibility · 21/04/2025 21:55

I'm so glad you've decided to end things. Imagine having the fucking cheek to get angry at YOU for not just compliantly cleaning his shit heap every weekend like a good little woman. Nope!

TheMimsy · 21/04/2025 21:45

It’s perfectly fine to break up on a phone conversation in a short term dating relationship. You don’t need anything from his house. You don’t need a long elaborate conversation. Why are you the one making all the effort again for someone who wouldn’t return the favour?

Original poster
Heatabove · 21/04/2025 21:39

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 21/04/2025 19:29

How are you doing @Heatabove ?

I’m ok thanks. He messaged me today. I have decided to end things but I’m going to go round tomorrow because I don’t think it’s great to break up with someone over the phone

OP posts:
Ohnobackagain · 21/04/2025 21:23

Also @Heatabove he probably pays to get his shirts ironed. One day he’ll expect you to do that instead, as well. And as for the biohazards in his fridge … ugh!

Ohnobackagain · 21/04/2025 21:20

@Heatabove he thinks it’s beneath him to clean but expects you to do it. He’s not a keeper.

Mrsgreen100 · 21/04/2025 21:07

He’s a slum bum , you seriously don’t need that , get rid and date a grown up
he’s never going to change!!

noodlebugz · 21/04/2025 20:41

Not a keeper!

BlueFlowers5 · 21/04/2025 20:24

He is using you to get his cleaning done.

Pomvit · 21/04/2025 20:21

Christ - imagine what he’d be like to live with

run now

Trovindia · 21/04/2025 20:17

So many red flags here, I would just dump him by text and move on. He's lazy, scummy and abusive. Not a catch and definitely not a keeper.

HBiz · 21/04/2025 20:13

Jesus Christ leave him. He’s a lazy shit who waits for your time together so he can get you to clean up after him. This is not a good foundation to further the relationship on

Missj25 · 21/04/2025 19:44

Heatabove · 20/04/2025 10:49

I live with my friend, we have been living together for 3 years since we graduated from university together. I am 28 years old and have been with my boyfriend for a year. He lives on his own, so when we get together I mostly go to his so that we have privacy.

I go round most weekends, and at first it was absolutely fine. The flat was always very clean and tidy Friday evening, but I did notice he is quite lazy. For example he would spill his fizzy drink and just leave it! Take his clothes off and leave them on the floor, his toilet seat came off months ago and he still hasn’t put it back on or got another one. So I think he would tidy everything before I came round but didn’t keep on top of it.

Lately, he hasn’t been tidying it before I come. I walk through the door and my heart drops. Clothes everywhere, dirty pots piled up, the bed sheets all crumpled, empty coke bottles ALL OVER the place! Then every single Sunday he says “let’s do a big clean” and I help him clean up. It takes us a while.

I’m now sick of it and I spoke to him and asked if he wouldn’t mind cleaning the place before I came round because it’s not a nice environment to be in, it makes me uncomfortable and I also don’t want to spend half my Sunday cleaning his mess! He waits all weeks for it to build up and then does it on a Sunday when I am there to join in. And I don’t think it’s fair. I have my own house to clean. He has kicked off with me. He is furious. He said “how dare you tell me what to do with my own flat” and we haven’t spoken since Thursday night.

Please could I have some outside perspective - am I in the wrong?

Hey OP ..
You’re not in the wrong , no …
He should have place clean always before you come around & should never expect you to clean up with him on Sundays..
He kicked off because he knows you are right ,
probably embarrassed aswel , that you had to point this out to him ..
I hope he apologises to you & ye sort things out ..

SparklyDenimHiker · 21/04/2025 19:39

DUMP HIM

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 21/04/2025 19:29

How are you doing @Heatabove ?

jazzybelle · 21/04/2025 19:22

Oh dear. Poor him. Now he'll just have to clean up in his own place.

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