To ask my boyfriend to clean his apartment before I come round?

All I meant was that it’s potentially easier for her to walk away . As in, no kids, not living together, not financially enmeshed. Of course I’m not suggesting an older person should put up with it. Just that in more established relationships it can be harder to leave.

What’s being young got to do with it?
Are you suggesting that an older person deserves to put up with it… ?

I’m saying this, coz when I was in my fifties, I was at a low ebb in my life, but fighting to rise above it instead of wallowing.

I met who I thought was a decent, kind, professional man.

That opinion slowly changed when it became apparent that he was more than happy to “let me” perform miracles at his home.

Admittedly I was stupid enough to believe that by showing him how his home could look, he would have the encouragement to keep it up.

Nah, it was so bad that his soft furnishings and carpets downstairs were the same colour as his (lovely) dog, cos the animals hairs were embedded in the weave.

Im typing this now, loads of years later, and I’m still super embarrassed for putting up with it for a year.

You OP, are likely a kind considerate person that wants to show her best self, but unless there is something you’ve not mentioned, it really does sound as though you’d be wise to call it a day, even if he hasn’t anyway due to you causing him to have a strop … imagine a woman refusing to help with domestic chores… surely it’s your privilege to clean up?

Let us all know that you’ve seen sense, and life alone would be way more preferable.

Mr Perfect might not exist, but there definitely is a Mr Decent, Mr Mature, Mr I’m not gonna take the effin piss…..

Take care

I do think he's an arsehole and I did agree with OP to leave him. I also think there is no excuse for his anger and abusive behaviour. I still think he's probably ADHD as well especially with the body doubling to clean up.

Totally agree, an arsehole is an arsehole. It needs no further scrutiny (or excuses) than that.

I can't get over the loo seat. He thinks so little of you, he can't even ensure you can have a wee comfortably!

And he's annoyed you've folied his 'cunning plan' of the Housekeeping help.

Adhd?
Anger, contempt and the silent treatment?

Nah.....that speaks to abusive arsehole.

Kindly but I so wish posters would stop accreditation for arsehole abusive nasty behaviour with ASD, ADHD, BP and any other acronym out there.

Sometimes arseholes behave like arseholes.

The challenge sadly for so many women is to accept that arsehole behaviour invariably is indicative of an arsehole character.

Just that, nothing else.
No need to bend yourself out of shape to excuse such behaviour from shit men.

We don't do it with women, just men.

Change the sex and this wouldn't be ADHD.

Just a lazy dirty nasty woman to dump asap.

Please dont. He will sweet talk you into continuing with him! Youll feel sorry for him living in a mess. Before you know it, youll be marigolds on and up to your eyes with a mop and bucket and his washing pile. Just draw the line, block and move on.

i dont know how you ate/drank round there given the state of the place/burger-gate 🤢🤮

He expected you to be his cleaning lady and put up with his squalor, got irrationally angry and mean with you when challenged on it, and then gave you the silent treatment for days? Give him a call to break up and move on. I wouldn't be going round his.

I know its probably immaterial now you have decided to end things...which I agree with by the way...but this behaviour around tidying up screams of ADHD. He is capable of getting himself organised and presentable around work but unable to frame himself to do mundane jobs such as household tasks without a 'body double' to assist him. Is he extremely keen on his job or does he has other hobbies he fixates on? Does he game or binge watching TV.? I reckoned he used to steal himself to clean up in the early days. I would def be ending it with someone like this especially around the anger and sulking.

He’s a grotbag who doesn’t see a problem getting you to clean up his filth when you don’t even live there. He sees you as his unpaid cleaner.

He certainly doesn’t warrant a special visit to dump his sorry arse. A text would be quite sufficient and is all he deserves.

Do not go around there.
That means you are open to him persuading you.
Your self esteem is too low to risk that.

Text him that its over.
Please start the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to help you with your boundaries.

You have done all the running and effort in a relationship where he has treated you like his cleaner.

His anger when you challenged this showed his contempt for you.

I would put money on him being an abusive man.
And you want to go over to break up nicely?

Send him a text and be done with it.
There is a reason some women end up broken by nasty abusive arseholes.

It is sadly behaviour like yours.
You deserve so much better than this arsehole.
Text him its over.

Maybe his ex used to come and stay for a few days on Wednesday/Thursday and he pulled the 'let's have a big clean up on Friday' stunt so that the place was clean for OP's arrival.

It's a big mistake to go see him, @Heatabove . I think it's a mistake to meet him at all, but if you must meet him, you should do it in a well-lit public place.

I think it’s ok to break up with him over txt/call as going to his means he will try to talk you over as he is about to loose his free cleaner.

Please, please don’t go to his home OP.
He can get angry and it’s not safe.
At least if you need to see him, meet in public.
I would call him and tell him. He is not a kind man and doesn’t deserve your decency.
If it were me I would text him and block him.
Stop giving him so much power over you.

He is cheeky to expect you to clean his flat! Bin him asap.

Throw him back

🚩 🚩 🚩

And what would happen if he went round to OP's and it was a mess, and she wanted him to help her clean it on Sundays?

And what would happen if you went round and refused to do any cleaning, instead say to him,,, oh I see you have housework to do, I'll relax with my book on the sofa whilst you sort things out.

@Heatabove I hope it goes well for you. A sensible decision, but still hard I'm sure. Best wishes. X

Just to point out - my flat when I live alone becomes a shit tip, but I scrub it when I have visitors or a partner. It's more that he doesn't care that it's a mess when she comes around that's the issue.

My house is unfortunately a depression mess, but I need, or get that shame with other people visiting.

So when I dated my now ex husband he lived in a few shared houses. They were minging. The first one was all boys. But the second was mixed and they all had jobs. The girls were teachers. I couldn’t visit. I owned my own home at that point ans we took turns but on the end o refused to visit his. Once we lived together we mostly had a clean and tidy house. His side of the bed was always a mess. Clothes on the floor piling up. But he helped around the rest of the house. Fast forward we are divorced and have children who see him occasionally on a weekend. When I go to his the house is always a tip. My Dads bedroom is where he dumps things when he has company. The sofa is full of clean washing which never gets put away. The kitchen is full of dirty pots etc. The kids aren’t really keen on visiting much these days (teens).

What I’m suggesting is that this his how he will always be.

Probably says "I've cleaned. Want to come and check it out?"

Which is why she's insisting on going over (probably). I think she's going to get sweet talked and she'll find herself in exactly the same position six months later 😕

To be honest, maybe meet in public, somewhere quiet.

I hate to think of you going alone, people are so odd these days.

He was already unreasonable, when he was furious at your quite reasonable request, which he could and should have taken in good faith, laughed it off and agreed with you.

( looks like a lot of us have felt this too )

What does his text say. I wouldn't go round, it won't matter if you text him to end it. Your safety must come first.

Good decision op. Good luck with it.
Never thought of possession of a working bog seat as a requirement, but yep, there it is. A low bar.
Onwards and upwards.

Get him out of your life and let him drown in a sea of rubbish and clutter.