To ask my boyfriend to clean his apartment before I come round?

I wasted the 3 best years of my 20s with a
loser like this. I spent so much effort trying to upgrade him, to no avail. In the end I lost respect for him and treated him like shit and he had the audacity to dump me (!) but looking back it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I can’t imagine living or having kids with him. It was a close call! 😅

Raise your standards and find a man that doesn't live in squalor.

You know 100% that if you’re now split and he wants to find another GF he’ll be tidy and clean for the next few months whilst he reels them in.

Then, if/when he does get a new GF she’ll slowly be asked to help do the cleaning when she visits and in six months or so, she’ll be in the same position you’re in now.

He was prepared to clean up after himself during the woo-ing phase, but once he felt he “had” you, he reverted to his real self - him expecting you to clean up after him.

You can do better than this man-child.

the way he has responded has made me wonder if I’ve been unreasonable

He responded the way he did to test you.

You know what to...

Well, he either knows that it's because he's not trying to be his best self anymore to impress you and doesn't want to admit it. Or he hasn't realised, and it's a subconscious thing. Either way, shouting at you that it's nothing to do with you is his rather poor attempt at avoiding a very reasonable question.

There you go. Important thing to realise before you waste any more time on a guy who thinks it’s your job to mop up his spills and pick his pants off the floor because you have a vagina.

Do you also rope in your partner who doesn't live with you @araiwa and make them do it all?

Big red flag op

He's got it cushy hasn't he?
He makes a mess all week and then when you arrive gets you to clean up after him.

Next weekend if you walk in to that mess just stand there, look at it then say

• you're not a 13 year old boy with mummy to look after you. You're an adult who is capable of looking after yourself and your home and you're choosing not to. This mess is disgusting and I'm not prepared to be your weekly cleaner.

And leave.

I clean my house on a weekend too

He has shown who he is - a messy man child - walk away

Your mistake was staying even five minutes in that filthy house with no toilet seat. It should have told you everything.

It wouldn't bother me that he's a slob necessarily.

But it's gross the way he's treating you like his mum or cleaner. "I'll wait for OP to come around so she can give it a good clean".

He sees you as his domestic help and if he is lucky, you might cook him a meal and have sex with him. Is this what you want out of this relationship?

He's personally clean and tidy because he makes the effort to shower and wash his clothes. Because he knows that being a smelly and untidily dressed person would affect his job and interactions with people outside his home. It's what society expects of us. But inside his home, that's where he can be totally himself and clearly his real self doesn't care about mess enough to clean it up. The fact he wasn't always like this shows that he was making an effort for you in the early days because he cared what you thought. Now he's got 'comfortable' with you he doesn't feel he needs to make that effort anymore. He's starting to take you for granted.

Block his number.
He's clearly filthy and if you think living with him would be anything other than stressful, you are mad, totally mad.

That he got so angry with you is a huge red flag too.

Let him go. He's not a good prospect.

Exactly this. Think hard if you want this to be your future. On the plus side, if he kept it clean to begin with, at least he “has the ability” to keep it clean, so perhaps an ultimatum would help, but I doubt it.

He’s a lazy twat. You’re young: move on.

As he so rightly pointed our it's his flat to keep how he wants.

But....it's pretty obvious that he's been waiting for you to go over of a weekend so you can clean his flat with/for him.

Being Sunday today I expect his flat is a shit hole of a place and he's either sat at home wallowing in it or out and about looking for his next maid being as you haven't heard from him he's clearly not to bother whether he was wrong in the way he treated you.

Move on, leave him and his flat to enjoy each other's company.

Oh no. He is literally using you for labour. That is your warning, please take it.

He’s like this because he sees cleaning as your job, not his.

You and your boyfriend are not a good match as life partners.

If you want a FWB relationship you need to ignore his housekeeping and decide if the sex is worth the ongoing issue of a messy/dirty home.

But long term you will not change the way he has decided to live and he is unwilling to change.

Cheeky fucker expecting you to help him clean his flat on a Sunday!

As others have said, this is your Time Machine and how it would be if you ever lived with him in the future.

thrown this one back and find one that sees you more of a partner and less like a maid

Get rid, love! There are nice, kind men out there who will take you out on fun dates and cook and clean and give amazing orgasms. You're wasting your time on this idiot.

You know it's time to end it when you have to ask him to tidy his own living space. As if you've been spending your Sundays cleaning his flat! Fuck that! Find a man who takes you out for a Sunday roast instead.

If you stay with him, you'll end up like one of the many MN who constantly post about their lazy, shitty husbands asking how they can stop being a skivvy and make their darling husband have an ounce of respect for them. "He hasn't cooked or cleaned in 20 years of marriage but he's a great dad, what should I do?"