To ask my boyfriend to clean his apartment before I come round?

Ditch him now. He doesn't want a partner, he wants a maid. Find a bloke who is either a)clean and tidy, or b)rich enough to employ a cleaner, and does so. There are clean and tidy men who pull their weight in the house, though they do seem a rarity!!

Please listen to what we are telling you.

It’s a crystal ball into your future with him.

Picture the scene, you with baby in arms or just come in from work, the house is a mess hes contributed to and him on his gaming machine or out with the boys. Hes angry with you for being upset and you’re finding it hard to cope. You go to bed crying.

Who the fk needs that? Nah, chuck him back OP. He’s not the one for you.

The writing’s on the wall. Walk away whilst you can or I guarantee you’ll be back here in a couple of years complaining again. Stop digging the hole for yourself.

But he says it’s nothing to do with me what he does and when he cleans etc

Why is he asking you to do half of the clearing up on a Sunday then?!

I would have refused to help in the first place and just gone home.

You sound like you’re doubting yourself and wondering if you’re the unreasonable one.
All the PP’s make very good points and you’re not being unreasonable. He is a man child who expects you to put up with a hovel then be his maid and clean it.
Run far and fast and never drop your standards this low again. You’re too young to settle for this.

TAXI!!!

This with bells on

He thought he was being so clever for a while there getting you to help him clean his mess on a Sunday, how convenient for him!

And now you've gone and ruined it and called him out on it, how dare you <totally sarcastic>

I think being able to let your guard down and be yourself with a partner is very important in a relationship. It’s not healthy or sustainable to be making an effort all the time.

You clearly don’t like the relaxed version though - and that’s fine. This is a great example of why it’s important to date for a while and get to know someone before making life commitments. You need time to figure out which guys are naturally clean and tidy and which ones were putting on a show,

I’m voting that yabu - asking or expecting him to change for you is a terrible long term strategy that will lead you into a controlling and unsatisfactory dynamic.

But YAB entirely reasonable to want a boyfriend with decent standards of hygiene and respect for you. This guy isn’t the one.

He doesn’t respect you, he isn’t going to change

I actually feel sick and not at all a clean freak. Please do yourself a favour and find someone better.

If you can't imagine living with him, that tells you all you need to know, right? The relationship is going nowhere and he's stopped making the effort to keep his place in a decent state to impress you. Throw this one back in the sea!

He said “how dare you tell me what to do with my own flat”

he says "let's do a big clean"

Have a look at his two statements. He is furious at you telling (actually, asking) him to keep his flat clean. But he's happy to tell you that you are cleaning his flat!

I don't think this will get any better. If it does it will be temporary, as it was at first. The real him is a lazy slob who will live in filth unless there is a woman to clean up. And he expects you never to challenge or criticise him and will get angry with you to keep you in your place. Yuck.

@Heatabove My DP is quite messy and I did spend the first year or so helping him tidy up and clean his place until I got fed up of it. BUT:

• he didn’t expect me to do any of it
• he’s not bothered that I’ve stopped doing it
• he cooks and washes up (he accepts that I won’t do the dishes since he won’t replace the dishwasher)
• we don’t live together and accept that we may never do so (we’re in our 40s and have DC from previous marriages).

You, on the other hand, are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t put up with his shitty attitude - being a slob is one thing but he’s being a total bastard with his expectations.

@Heatabove
of course he’s groomed and clean to the outside world he doesn’t want anyone knowing that he lives in a pigsty, loads of people are like thus though ‘all top show’

edit - after reading the mouldy burger post, that’s actually a health hazard 🦠

If I knew someone would turn up on a Sunday to clean my place I probably wouldn't do much cleaning either. You've made a bit of a rod for your own back but no you're not being unreasonable. Stop cleaning for him.

@Heatabove Has his mum gone for a long holiday? Just thinking.. remember from another thread about how gf found out it was the mum coming in every friday to do the cleaning so everything looked neat during the week-end when the gf visited.
Either that or he know feels he "got you" so doesn't have to make an effort anymore.
I would be so disgusted that I wouldn't have any romantic feelings left. Imagine kissing him while seeing his dirty underwear on the floor. And how often does he change the bed ? 🤢 I would exit this relationship.

Listen to yourself OP!!!!

Why on earth would you ever second guess whether it's reasonable to want to visit a man in a tidy flat!

He is showing what it would be like further down the line.

So him not talking to you is great. Leave it that way.

If he wants to live in squalor, that's his choice.

If you don't want to go around to his flat because of said squalor, that's your choice.
His reaction says it all. He is not a nice man for becoming angry at a reasonable request.
It is possible that this is his normal and he thinks you're being totally unreasonable, in which case you're incompatible at the very least.

I say this as somoene who's house is fairly messy too (nothing like what you describe, mind). I'd never dream of reacting this way if a girlfriend requested I make more effort. In fact one partner who had very high hygiene standards asked me if I'd clean my fridge before she visited and I did religiously (again, it wasn't minging or anything, she just had hers very organised and it really upset her if for example something uncovered was visible). And I did. Because much as it was differences rather than one of us being 'wrong', I wanted her to be comfortable and happy and a few minutes of my time was worth that. I certainly wouldn't have expected her to come and help me clean up!

He doesn’t value / respect you enough to make an effort. LTB..

The toilet lid thing is just fucking bone idle.

If he gets in touch I would say ‘Look, you live like a bone idle student, it’s so unappealing. Fix the toilet seat for fucks sake. When you have finished a bottle of coke, put it in the recycling! This is stuff you’d tell a five year old, not a grown man. And if you think I’m spending MY Sunday cleaning up your mugs from the last week, you can fuck off.’

Except it does have something to do with you as he's expecting you to tidy all his shit up when you go round there! The tidiness (or lack of) is bad enough but his reaction when you asked him about it would be the final straw for me.

He's correct in stating that it is his flat and on that basis he can choose to live however he wants to. However, he's been more than happy to have you help him clean up his mess on Sundays, something you are quite right to refuse to do. Can you imagine sharing a home with your boyfriend in the future given his laziness and slobbery? He's unlikely to change. I don't think you've done anything wrong, you've set a boundary and he doesn't like it. He's shown you who he is, the question is are you happy to accept this behaviour?

I mean why would you want to be with someone who's so dirty and clearly sees you as a good weekend free cleaner

Fuck him off. Lazy dirty fucker