To ask my boyfriend to clean his apartment before I come round?

Set better boundaries in the future. If flat is a mess and you feel uncomfortable there, go back home and explain why. If he asks you to tidy his shit, have a little laugh as you say “absolutely not”.

Well done, OP.

Did he try to fight for you? Promise to change? Apologise?

That’s understandable - I’m not keen on text/phone break ups either but in your case I think many of us were wondering how he would react.

Anyway well done on breaking things off, it’s easy for us all to say leave him, but it’s much harder to do. People are nuanced and he obviously had good points too.

Maybe it’s cliche but allow yourself to “feel your feelings” and grieve the loss of the relationship as you move on.

Bleurgh, get rid. There’s clearly no future with him. He’s showing you his cards - read them.

Spot on!

It's a shame he was a good guy in lots of other ways but the cleaning issue has shown his true colours Op. If nothing else his reaction to asking him to clean would have given me big doubts, he was angry you'd told him what to do, that's a moment when he showed you his attitude to women- he was happy to tell you to help him clean but you're not allowed to tell him. If it's any comfort Op that would have got worse with time, better to find out now

"my objection wasn’t solely the messy flat. It was the expectation that you would clean it. That speaks to entrenched sexism (in both of you actually). You need to work on that before thinking about another relationship."

Yeah. I think it's always handy to reverse the situation ie if this guy was coming to my pigsty and I expected him to clean up for me and spend half of his Sundays doing it, would he do it?

Not on your Nelly! There's NO way a guy would do this. It would never ever even OCCUR to him to clean your place in the first place! Let alone do it!

OP, watch out for this kind of thing in yourself.

"The best way to get the real measure of a partner is either to be ill or sayng no. Their response to that is the real them as they can't hide or remain masked."

Agree with this.

Right at the beginning of my relationship with now-H, I got cold feet and ended it. He was sad but accepted my decision, and was clearly trying to make an effort to go back to the really nice friendship we had before I made a move on him.

That impressed me so much, and made me feel safe. So a few weeks later, I asked him if he would like to try again. And here we are 25 years later!

If he had shown any anger or sourness, I would have run for the hills, never to come back.

How someone takes your no says a lot about who they really are. This guy showed his real colours. You dodged a bullet, OP.

OP, remind yourself that while you feel sad you have taken the necessary action to make space for someone else that suits you better.

The longer we remain in incompatible relationships, the longer it is before we give ourselves the chance to meet someone else.

This is a brave positive move.

I heard some excellent dating advice.

1. Don't spend too long texting, you are wasting time if there is no chemistry.

1. See how he lives. Filthy house is just not worth it.
2. Watch carefully to see is he generous, "mean with money, mean with love".

1. Tell him No to something, to see how he reacts. If in anger and disrespectfully, dump.

1. Be unwell to see how he behaves. If selfishly and doesn't care about you, dump.

Not perfect, but will weed out some losers quickly.

Was he sad enough to apologise, clean his shite hole himself,, change his behaviour and attitude and start showing you and other women some respect.

I understand OP. It’s hard.

To be very clear though, my objection wasn’t solely the messy flat. It was the expectation that you would clean it. That speaks to entrenched sexism (in both of you actually). You need to work on that before thinking about another relationship. If you behave like a maid, they will treat you as one.

It’s not the OP’s job to educate her ex on how to be a better partner to any future women he dates.

I honestly do not believe that this man who kept a clean and tidy flat at the beginnings of the relationship doesn’t know that’s what women like, he just thinks that once he’s officially in a relationship with someone he doesn’t have to try any more.

And you shouldn’t feel sorry for your ex; there’s plenty of information in the world about how to be a good, equal partner in a relationship and if your ex couldn’t be bothered to work it out, you shouldn’t have to take on the emotional labour of training him (especially if you’re not going to benefit from that).

This “lonely man” epidemic is entirely self-earned. If men put the time, effort and respect into women that they received we’d be more willing to date them 🤷‍♀️

My partner & I both used to work 12 hour shifts
We were like passing ships
We lived together
I found it easier to do a couple of small house work jobs per day, to keep on top of things.

I agree that you are not his Mother

As an adult it doesn't take too much time & effort to keep things clean & tidy.

Did you tell him why so that at least he can learn from it and try not to make the same mistake again

I broke up with someone years over a certain aspect of his behaviour, I never told him why and sometimes I regret it as he is still single and probably making the same mistake

Op. I know it’s hard and not straightforward but it great that you have your deal breakers and this was one for you. I agree in that his reaction was telling . If he took it on the chin and made an effort to improve that would have been something but he wasn’t willing to do that for you.
maybe he has learned that a woman worth having won’t put up with that.

It is hard, and totally understandable to take your time and really consider the bigger picture. Ultimate it sounds like you did the right thing, you deserve someone with all those good qualities who also does their share of the grime work.
Definitely not easy though, so be kind to yourself.

Of course he was all those things I do not doubt he was kind and loving and funny... on the surface. But when it really counted, when you asked for a tiny bit of consideration, he got angry.

The best way to get the real measure of a partner is either to be ill or sayng no. Their response to that is the real them as they can't hide or remain masked. You said no.

I hope you are okay after reading your very thoughtful post.
Of course, nobody is all bad.
Maybe you have given him something to think about.
Please be aware he may come back to you with promises to change.
But you can find all the positives you’ve found with this person, with someone who doesn’t expect you to live in mess.
You have been really brave.

How did it go @Heatabove ? Hoping it was a clean break and you feel better now

I don’t think the relationship has legs. He expects you to clean his mess and doesn’t care when the house is a tip. Your future would be you cleaning up after him. A lucky escape.

This!! Please dump him. He's disgusting

I do hope you haven’t been persuaded to relent OP. It sounds to me like he was testing your boundaries. Will she put out my rubbish, clear my fridge, deep clean my flat, let me shout at her, let me drop her and then get back in contact only when I want etc. Let’s face it he has you doing ALL the running, including travelling to his wasting your time and money in so doing.
He’s being a nasty, filthy, manipulative controller and this is your wake up call.
So what if someone has cleaned his flat, please find your self respect and keep it for your next relationship.

Do not give him the ‘respect’ of a visit as he has none for you.

How did it go Op?

I agree with this. I've never understood this notion that ending a relationship has to be done face to face. Even if he seems like a gentle person, he might not be, and you're much safer doing it by phone or text. Besides, going round there is just expending more of YOUR time and energy - and haven't you wasted enough of that?