To not go on the holiday?

Onetimesconesmine · 2025-04-20T09:35:05+00:00

In a nutshell, I'm with an avoidant partner. I'm an anxious person and I do recognise that my traits aren't great, but honestly the avoidance is probably the main cause of my anxious behaviour. Any time I try to bring anything up it's 'not the right time' to talk. There has never been a right time. It's been ongoing for 2 years now. We are meant to be going away on Tuesday for a week. We have been niggling at each other a bit recently so I wanted to just clear the air before we go. To say new leaf, let's enjoy ourselves etc etc. Even when I walk on egg shells in order to approach the conversation with tact and caution, he sees it as an attack. I said nothing about HIM or pointing any fingers, I was clear that we both probably need to do better with each other. It turns in to him shouting at me, storming out the room to sleep on the sofa. I said please can you come back to bed, let's just have a cuddle and be okay. He tells me to leave him alone, he needs space. Out the duvet over his face and just shuts off, doesn't respond to me. I know I should have left it but because of my anxiousness this is really upsetting to me so I asked how long he'd need space for as I wouldn't be able to sleep now. He tells me to just fucking listen, go away and leave him alone. I know avoidants process things differently and need time and space. But I cannot fathom seeing your partner crying asking you to come to bed, and you tell them to basically fuck off. He's still not up yet, and obviously I've barely slept. We were meant to spend today getting everything sorted for the holiday. I'm tempted to not go. I don't feel safe emotionally and I know I'm going to be hyper sensitive over the next week or so, as I often am after an argument. Just for transparency, we don't live together or have children together (although there are children involved from previous relationship - they were not in the house at the time so not subject to the shouting).

DarcyProudman · 21/04/2025 18:35

So are you going on the holiday, @Onetimesconesmine ?

Vaxtable · 20/04/2025 12:09

It would be a permanent holiday for me. You are just not compatible just end the relationship and find someone else

whiteswan87 · 20/04/2025 12:05

Thank goodness you don't have children or own/share a house with this man. You have the perfect opportunity to make a clean break and start living the life you deserve. If it were me though, I would calmly try and get him out of your house before you drop the holiday bombshell. He can still go on the holiday if he wants to but I wouldn't be going with this man. It will be hard now but believe me you will feel so relieved to be rid of this poor excuse of a human bringing you down!

beetr00 · 20/04/2025 11:50

Onetimesconesmine · 20/04/2025 11:33

I think I have been frightened to leave. Not for my physical safety, but my mental health.
I know it's pathetic. I know I need to put myself first.
These messages are helping me. I've felt so alone and I know I just need to pull the plug and end it.

Show quote history

🤗🤗🤗

You are the only person that can change this dynamic @Onetimesconesmine

I do, really, feel for you lovely, changing is scary, I understand

I know I'm just some random in the ether, but I am sending you everything
positive.

This is NO way to live your life.

The alternative, may be spending the next 30-40 years of your life, wasted on this fool?

Courage 💪💪💪

“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.” Mark Twain

Thinking of you.

eta; YOU ARE NOT pathetic, at all.

zoemum2006 · 20/04/2025 11:49

Cucy · 20/04/2025 11:12

Honestly it sounds like you’re the one spoiling for an argument.

He’s asked that you give him space, yet you’re still following him and questioning him.
This would make me ill and I would absolutely shout at someone for not respecting my boundaries.

Leave him alone.

Why can’t you just draw a line in the sand and look forward to going on holiday.
Why does it have to be a big deal?

Honestly OP it’s great that you recognise that you have issues but you also need to recognise that you are probably the problem here and that this relationship just doesn’t work.

You say you have an anxious attachment style.
This would get a lot better if you weren’t with this man who is just not suitable for you.

You are making each other miserable and you’ll likely both end up getting ill.

I’m sure you wrote that message just to be provocative but really it’s a bit pathetic for an actual grown up not to be able to have a conversation with their partner.

You either want to make a relationship work (therefore you need to talk to each other) or you recognise that you don’t work and break up.

The only alternative would be to say “I’m feeling emotionally overloaded at the moment so I need an hour to process but we’ll have a proper chat then”.

DuckEgg24 · 20/04/2025 11:48

I feel sorry for the next woman he meets - or if he’s so avoidant, he may prefer to stay single. It’s not the OP’s problem after he leaves today though. OP, you are probably going to overthink this if you’re home alone on AL so go somewhere sunny to clear your head, have a few drinks if that’s your thing, take some good books and a journal.

User5274959 · 20/04/2025 11:45

"We get on very well, unless there's something I want to discuss"

This is really sad.

This was me, I realised it after 20 years of being with emotionally abusive xH. All was fine as long as I went along with everything, I realised I never stood up to him to went against him. If I did, even for small things, I'd get stone walled, silent treatment etc, in the the early days I'd beg for him to talk to me, tell me how I could make it ok again, in some instances tell me what I'd done "wrong" as I didn't even know! Would go on for days sometimes. So cold.

When I said I wanted to separate and stick to it, he went nuclear. Because I'd never stood up to him and dug my heels in before.

I'm saying this because earlier on in our relationship I thought it was good because we never argued and seemed to get along together well. But only later realised that was only because I never "rocked the boat".

It's not a healthy power dynamic

PowderRoom · 20/04/2025 11:41

I’d end things, OP. This sounds incredibly joyless.

DuckEgg24 · 20/04/2025 11:40

Hoydenish · 20/04/2025 11:39

You're not alone, we are here in your phone.

Please tell a friend that you intend asking him to leave today so that you can have some one in RL on standby to assist with his departing if needed.

Yes, good idea. His loss OP.

DuckEgg24 · 20/04/2025 11:39

Onetimesconesmine · 20/04/2025 11:33

I think I have been frightened to leave. Not for my physical safety, but my mental health.
I know it's pathetic. I know I need to put myself first.
These messages are helping me. I've felt so alone and I know I just need to pull the plug and end it.

Show quote history

Your mental health will improve once you’re single. When you want to date again, you know the red flags to avoid.

Hoydenish · 20/04/2025 11:39

You're not alone, we are here in your phone.

Please tell a friend that you intend asking him to leave today so that you can have some one in RL on standby to assist with his departing if needed.

Original poster

Onetimesconesmine · 20/04/2025 11:33

beetr00 · 20/04/2025 11:27

why would you pick "this particular post" to respond to @Onetimesconesmine

It's so unhelpful for your situation.

You seem frightened?

Courage is what's required here, unless "your prince" is the best you feel you can do.

Your life could be so much better, IF, you really want it to be

Show quote history

I think I have been frightened to leave. Not for my physical safety, but my mental health.
I know it's pathetic. I know I need to put myself first.
These messages are helping me. I've felt so alone and I know I just need to pull the plug and end it.

OP posts:

beetr00 · 20/04/2025 11:27

Onetimesconesmine · 20/04/2025 11:18

But we have never been able to have a serious conversation in 2 years.
I have tried approaching conversations casually, seriously, jokingly, angrily, carefully.
No matter how I try to voice or express myself he shuts down and tells me he won't be talking about it because he's just finished work, or is tired, or has just had a nice day, or just had a hard day, is just about to have a shower, or go to sleep, or go out.
There has never been a single time I have tried to talk and he has been open to listening or resolving.

That in turn creates anxiety, which ironically makes me want to talk more , to resolve.
If he was open and warm my nervous system would be calm, and in turn I'd be less likely to bring things up. Because I'd feel safe.

Show quote history

why would you pick "this particular post" to respond to @Onetimesconesmine

It's so unhelpful for your situation.

You seem frightened?

Courage is what's required here, unless "your prince" is the best you feel you can do.

Your life could be so much better, IF, you really want it to be

HeatedBlanketAllYear · 20/04/2025 11:26

@Onetimesconesmine I left a few times. And stupidly went back when he made promises to change. The final straw was when he was so cruel and nasty there was no coming back. He refused to apologise and didn’t care how his behaviour made me feel.
He probably thought I’d always go back because I had before.
As I was processing the split I did go through phases of remembering his good points but these pass. I don’t regret leaving. He’ll never change and I’m better off without the stress of this behaviour and the constant disrespect.

You can leave him and you’ll be ok. It just seems difficult before you do it. A few months down the line you’ll look back and wonder why it took you so long!

DuckEgg24 · 20/04/2025 11:25

ToKittyornottoKitty · 20/04/2025 11:22

I wouldn’t wake him up, but once he’s up tell him to leave. Remind yourself that he’s got a serious bloody cheek telling you to leave him alone in YOUR house! If he really wanted to be alone he’d have left, instead he’s stayed to keep you on edge and make sure you run around after time. Stand up for yourself OP

Show quote history

Exactly! He can do his sulking in his own home!

LikeSeriously · 20/04/2025 11:25

DisplayPurposesOnly · 20/04/2025 10:37

Go on holiday. Tell him the relationship is over and he's not coming.

This!!

Cucy · 20/04/2025 11:25

Onetimesconesmine · 20/04/2025 11:18

But we have never been able to have a serious conversation in 2 years.
I have tried approaching conversations casually, seriously, jokingly, angrily, carefully.
No matter how I try to voice or express myself he shuts down and tells me he won't be talking about it because he's just finished work, or is tired, or has just had a nice day, or just had a hard day, is just about to have a shower, or go to sleep, or go out.
There has never been a single time I have tried to talk and he has been open to listening or resolving.

That in turn creates anxiety, which ironically makes me want to talk more , to resolve.
If he was open and warm my nervous system would be calm, and in turn I'd be less likely to bring things up. Because I'd feel safe.

Show quote history

So why after 2 years are you still with him?

If you need someone who is very open, then why are you with someone so closed off?

You literally couldn’t be with a less compatible person.

You will find your anxiety levels reduce almost instantly once this relationship is over.

DuckEgg24 · 20/04/2025 11:24

Onetimesconesmine · 20/04/2025 11:20

He's in mine, and I totally hear what you're saying. My concerns was if I go in waking him up (if he's asleep) after him saying I need to leave him alone and he needs space, could cause more of an escalation ?

Show quote history

You shouldn’t be scared of an escalation in your own home. Let him wake up in his sweet time though, get searching for a lovely place to go. You know his flight time so avoid that - he wouldn’t want you encroaching on his space in the airport.

Time is precious and you’ve tried all ways to appease this man for two years. Be done with him.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 20/04/2025 11:22

Onetimesconesmine · 20/04/2025 11:20

He's in mine, and I totally hear what you're saying. My concerns was if I go in waking him up (if he's asleep) after him saying I need to leave him alone and he needs space, could cause more of an escalation ?

Show quote history

I wouldn’t wake him up, but once he’s up tell him to leave. Remind yourself that he’s got a serious bloody cheek telling you to leave him alone in YOUR house! If he really wanted to be alone he’d have left, instead he’s stayed to keep you on edge and make sure you run around after time. Stand up for yourself OP

Original poster

Onetimesconesmine · 20/04/2025 11:20

almostbloody50 · 20/04/2025 11:16

Op is he in your house or are you in his? Can you ask him to leave before the whole “not coming” chat can that be done on text.

I feel you are staying he’s angry and I worry this will escalate if you haven’t stood up to him before.

He's in mine, and I totally hear what you're saying. My concerns was if I go in waking him up (if he's asleep) after him saying I need to leave him alone and he needs space, could cause more of an escalation ?

OP posts:

Original poster

Onetimesconesmine · 20/04/2025 11:18

Cucy · 20/04/2025 11:12

Honestly it sounds like you’re the one spoiling for an argument.

He’s asked that you give him space, yet you’re still following him and questioning him.
This would make me ill and I would absolutely shout at someone for not respecting my boundaries.

Leave him alone.

Why can’t you just draw a line in the sand and look forward to going on holiday.
Why does it have to be a big deal?

Honestly OP it’s great that you recognise that you have issues but you also need to recognise that you are probably the problem here and that this relationship just doesn’t work.

You say you have an anxious attachment style.
This would get a lot better if you weren’t with this man who is just not suitable for you.

You are making each other miserable and you’ll likely both end up getting ill.

But we have never been able to have a serious conversation in 2 years.
I have tried approaching conversations casually, seriously, jokingly, angrily, carefully.
No matter how I try to voice or express myself he shuts down and tells me he won't be talking about it because he's just finished work, or is tired, or has just had a nice day, or just had a hard day, is just about to have a shower, or go to sleep, or go out.
There has never been a single time I have tried to talk and he has been open to listening or resolving.

That in turn creates anxiety, which ironically makes me want to talk more , to resolve.
If he was open and warm my nervous system would be calm, and in turn I'd be less likely to bring things up. Because I'd feel safe.

OP posts:

beetr00 · 20/04/2025 11:17

@Cucy 😂😂😂

SHE is not the problem

DuckEgg24 · 20/04/2025 11:17

BlondeFool · 20/04/2025 11:11

Avoidant is bollocks. He’s an abusive bully. He sounds horrendous. If you don’t live together or have joint kids, it’s the perfect time to walk away.

This is exactly the right time to walk away. He doesn’t get to swear at the OP and gaslight her into believing it’s her fault. Been there, done that. I go on solo holidays now.

Edit: spelling

almostbloody50 · 20/04/2025 11:16

Op is he in your house or are you in his? Can you ask him to leave before the whole “not coming” chat can that be done on text.

I feel you are staying he’s angry and I worry this will escalate if you haven’t stood up to him before.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 20/04/2025 11:14

Cucy · 20/04/2025 11:12

Honestly it sounds like you’re the one spoiling for an argument.

He’s asked that you give him space, yet you’re still following him and questioning him.
This would make me ill and I would absolutely shout at someone for not respecting my boundaries.

Leave him alone.

Why can’t you just draw a line in the sand and look forward to going on holiday.
Why does it have to be a big deal?

Honestly OP it’s great that you recognise that you have issues but you also need to recognise that you are probably the problem here and that this relationship just doesn’t work.

You say you have an anxious attachment style.
This would get a lot better if you weren’t with this man who is just not suitable for you.

You are making each other miserable and you’ll likely both end up getting ill.

He never wants to talk about stuff though and that’s not fair either, why should everything be left with OP drawing a line under it after he’s stormed off in a sulk?