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Original poster

Title: Am I Being Unreasonable to Feel Done With My Baby’s Paternal Grandparents?

61 replies

Agentspencerreid · 20/04/2025 04:07

Hi everyone,

I could really use some outside perspective on this because I’m feeling really conflicted and a bit lost with it all.

I got pregnant by someone I wasn’t in a relationship with. He wasn’t involved during the pregnancy, though I gave him the chance to be — I invited him to scans, kept him updated, and was open to him being involved. Around 5–6 months in, he got a girlfriend. I was happy for him and he still checked in now and then, but overall wasn’t consistent.

Near my due date, I told him I wanted to reach out to his mum to offer her a chance to be involved, as he had said she was excited about being a grandmother. I’d never heard from her, and I’ve since learned he didn’t give his family many details during my pregnancy.

After my daughter was born, his mum messaged me (apparently after forcing his hand to get my contact info) and was very warm and kind. She said the whole family — including extended relatives — were thrilled and wanted to be part of her life. I agreed to a meeting, and also let her dad meet her, even though deep down I didn’t believe he’d follow through in a committed way (and he hasn’t — especially now his girlfriend takes issue with me being around).

His parents, particularly his mum, made it clear they didn’t agree with his behaviour and wanted a relationship with my daughter regardless of his choices. I really appreciated that and felt it was the right thing to allow space for them to be involved.

At first, things were great — I visited regularly, and they were kind and welcoming. But then the mum began cancelling plans — once, twice… now over 10 times. Some excuses were understandable, but others felt quite flaky. I was very flexible to begin with, but it’s now been over six weeks since they last saw her, and there’s been minimal contact.

She recently messaged saying they’ve had “a lot going on” — but I see on social media that they’re out and about, doing day trips, living normal lives. It makes me question why they aren’t making even an hour of time in a week to see their granddaughter.

I don’t think they’re bad people at all, and that’s what confuses me most. I don’t understand why they even bothered to get involved if they weren’t going to be consistently present. Was it just excitement at the idea of being grandparents that fizzled out? Or am I giving them too much credit when their actions just aren’t matching their words?

I’m really torn:

  • Am I being unreasonable for thinking there’s no excuse for not seeing your grandchild for this long without genuine communication or effort?
  • Would I be wrong to say I don’t want to continue the relationship if this continues? It’s emotionally draining for me, and I fear it will become damaging for my daughter as she grows.
  • Are they just disorganised, chaotic people and I’m expecting too much?
  • Or was this never going to work long-term and I just wanted to believe the best?

I’ve really tried to encourage and nurture this relationship. I’ve gone above and beyond despite being a young, vulnerable single mum with zero support from their son. I let them into our lives when they were complete strangers to me, because I wanted my daughter to know her family.

But now it’s starting to feel like she’s being picked up and put down whenever it suits them — like a doll or a photo opportunity. And I don’t know how to move forward without either getting hurt or being painted as the one who “cut them off.”

Any advice or similar experiences would be really appreciated. I just want what’s best for my daughter — and right now I’m not sure what that looks like.

OP posts:
sandgrown · 20/04/2025 08:32

@Agentspencerreid the child has a right to know their family

RobinHeartella · 20/04/2025 08:30

It makes me question why they aren’t making even an hour of time in a week to see their granddaughter.

An hour per week is very frequent for extended family to see a baby. I think one afternoon every couple of months is plenty for most grandparents.

Dial back your expectations and then you won't be disappointed.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 20/04/2025 08:26

@Agentspencerreid I wouldnt even have encouraged a relationship in the first place! they have no legal rights.

StIgantius · 20/04/2025 08:00

My guess is that there’s disagreement behind the scenes about the level of contact and that perhaps your baby’s father is trying to discourage it. That would explain why plans are being made and cancelled.

I wouldn’t cut them off but if they try to make contact again I’d explain how inconvenient it is when they make and cancel plans and ask them to commit or else not make arrangements.

PetrovaRabbit · 20/04/2025 07:59

Is it possible your baby’s father has suggested he has doubts about your child’s paternity and so they are trying not to get too attached while waiting for him to request a DNA test etc?

PermanentTemporary · 20/04/2025 07:54

I agree with a conversation with them on expectations, not focusing on them being flaky but making it clear you'd like a plan. Then tbh I would let them make one more date in the diary, see what happened and go from there. If they cancel that one, I wouldnt chase them ever again or let them take time in the diary that required anything of me BUT I would still let them see her if it was convenient to me, send a picture at Christmas, be pleasant etc, more on eg the level of old family friends rather than grandparents. I think I'd probably use their first names with my child rather than Nana etc.

Radra · 20/04/2025 07:51

MoveYourSelfDearie · 20/04/2025 07:43

Maybe have a conversation with them about their and your expectations of what being grandparents means.

More spaced out visits are also normal, maybe that's what your DD's grandparents expect? For example we see my MIL once every 6 months or so. We see my mum and dad once in around a 1-2 month period. We see this as normal and everyone seems happy with the arrangements.

But you and them need to talk about what you want and find a way forward that works for you all

I agree with this.

We often go 6 weeks or more without our children seeing grandparents, that's quite normal for us so maybe they just want to dial down the frequency but do still want to be involved - can you talk to them about it?

I also think it's difficult when the baby is so young - effectively when they visit the baby, it's more visiting you and that must be awkward with your child's ex casual sex partner

Overall, I wouldn't cut them off, I don't think it has to be so binary, take it as it comes for a while

MoveYourSelfDearie · 20/04/2025 07:43

Maybe have a conversation with them about their and your expectations of what being grandparents means.

More spaced out visits are also normal, maybe that's what your DD's grandparents expect? For example we see my MIL once every 6 months or so. We see my mum and dad once in around a 1-2 month period. We see this as normal and everyone seems happy with the arrangements.

But you and them need to talk about what you want and find a way forward that works for you all

Guavafish1 · 20/04/2025 05:01

How often are they seeing the child and how old it the child?

Pepperama · 20/04/2025 04:56

I’d definitely not chase them but would keep the door open for them to reengage. If you’re willing to do that and baby is still small enough not to sense rejection. It does sound like the novelty has worn off and they’ve gone back to their normal lives. Or is your ex putting pressure on to not engage? Or maybe is expecting a baby with new girlfriend?

MakeItToTheMoon · 20/04/2025 04:55

Well done for being open to have a relationship with your child’s grandparents. I would be furious to be cancelled on so many times and then see them on social media. 6 weeks isn’t a huge amount of time but it’s the general lack of effort and respect that infuriating.

I wonder if the lack of relationship their son has with his child is making things awkward in their relationship? Or maybe it’s just normal pattern of behaviour for them and like you said the excitement has worn off.

You have given them the opportunity to have a relationship with their grandchild and they’ve rejected it. You do need to have an honest conversation and explain how you feel. It really is not productive for your DD to have a half hearted father and grandparents in her life.

How old is your DD?
How long has it been since they last visited/ FaceTimed etc?
Does her father play any role in her life?