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Original poster

Title: Am I Being Unreasonable to Feel Done With My Baby’s Paternal Grandparents?

61 replies

Agentspencerreid · 20/04/2025 04:07

Hi everyone,

I could really use some outside perspective on this because I’m feeling really conflicted and a bit lost with it all.

I got pregnant by someone I wasn’t in a relationship with. He wasn’t involved during the pregnancy, though I gave him the chance to be — I invited him to scans, kept him updated, and was open to him being involved. Around 5–6 months in, he got a girlfriend. I was happy for him and he still checked in now and then, but overall wasn’t consistent.

Near my due date, I told him I wanted to reach out to his mum to offer her a chance to be involved, as he had said she was excited about being a grandmother. I’d never heard from her, and I’ve since learned he didn’t give his family many details during my pregnancy.

After my daughter was born, his mum messaged me (apparently after forcing his hand to get my contact info) and was very warm and kind. She said the whole family — including extended relatives — were thrilled and wanted to be part of her life. I agreed to a meeting, and also let her dad meet her, even though deep down I didn’t believe he’d follow through in a committed way (and he hasn’t — especially now his girlfriend takes issue with me being around).

His parents, particularly his mum, made it clear they didn’t agree with his behaviour and wanted a relationship with my daughter regardless of his choices. I really appreciated that and felt it was the right thing to allow space for them to be involved.

At first, things were great — I visited regularly, and they were kind and welcoming. But then the mum began cancelling plans — once, twice… now over 10 times. Some excuses were understandable, but others felt quite flaky. I was very flexible to begin with, but it’s now been over six weeks since they last saw her, and there’s been minimal contact.

She recently messaged saying they’ve had “a lot going on” — but I see on social media that they’re out and about, doing day trips, living normal lives. It makes me question why they aren’t making even an hour of time in a week to see their granddaughter.

I don’t think they’re bad people at all, and that’s what confuses me most. I don’t understand why they even bothered to get involved if they weren’t going to be consistently present. Was it just excitement at the idea of being grandparents that fizzled out? Or am I giving them too much credit when their actions just aren’t matching their words?

I’m really torn:

  • Am I being unreasonable for thinking there’s no excuse for not seeing your grandchild for this long without genuine communication or effort?
  • Would I be wrong to say I don’t want to continue the relationship if this continues? It’s emotionally draining for me, and I fear it will become damaging for my daughter as she grows.
  • Are they just disorganised, chaotic people and I’m expecting too much?
  • Or was this never going to work long-term and I just wanted to believe the best?

I’ve really tried to encourage and nurture this relationship. I’ve gone above and beyond despite being a young, vulnerable single mum with zero support from their son. I let them into our lives when they were complete strangers to me, because I wanted my daughter to know her family.

But now it’s starting to feel like she’s being picked up and put down whenever it suits them — like a doll or a photo opportunity. And I don’t know how to move forward without either getting hurt or being painted as the one who “cut them off.”

Any advice or similar experiences would be really appreciated. I just want what’s best for my daughter — and right now I’m not sure what that looks like.

OP posts:
MoistVonL · 20/04/2025 09:33

I think your expectations are a little too high for a 16 week old baby. Seeing grandparents every two or three months is quite normal in the first couple of years.

Yes, it would be great for your daughter to have relationship with her paternal grandparents. Realistically you won’t be letting them be with her without you for a long while - at least until she’s two or three.

She can’t build a relationship with them now, she’s too young for it to make any difference.

Roll your expectations back a ways and let things develop more slowly.

Candles88 · 20/04/2025 09:32

Agentspencerreid · 20/04/2025 09:28

I just want to clarify that all expectations that I have were created by them. I feel a sense of somewhat “love bombing” was going on to begin with, perhaps to overcompensate for the lack of involvement during my pregnancy. It was them who decided they’d see her every week, and wanted to build a relationship with both her and me to ensure smooth sailing. I respect that now me and her father don’t have contact, that they maybe don’t want to have a relationship with me. I have no shame in saying however that if they aren’t willing to have me around, then they can’t have my daughter around either, id be totally open to them having her alone in future, but not whilst they are still strangers to me, and it is going to take time, effort and consistency for me to trust them with my literal soul and life. If anyone reads this and doesn’t agree, then I think it’s wild that anyone would leave their baby with people they do not know!

Did they start being flaky at the same time he stopped seeing her?

Maybe think of them as someone to send Christmas and birthday cards to but not to rely on, then anything else is a bonus. I’m thinking mostly so that there is a line of communication should you or your child ever need health information etc in the future.

Original poster
Agentspencerreid · 20/04/2025 09:31

@sandgrown

Actually, in legal terms… the only “right” anyone has here is dad, who isn’t bothering - in fact, he’s not on bc, so he doesn’t have any legal rights either. I’ve never STOPPED any of them seeing her, I’ve been open to contact and more than flexible, even with the lack of effort and consistency, so yes, my child has a right to know her family, the ones who make an effort with her. I’m not setting her up to be hurt in future, as we all know how these unstable relationships go, and no, A title does not make you entitled to a child, it’s about the effort made to have a relationship with said child.

OP posts:
Nextdoor55 · 20/04/2025 09:29

Agentspencerreid · 20/04/2025 08:56

@Pepperama

i have considered they may be expecting but I honestly don’t think so. I had an open conversation with his mum a while ago about my daughters relationship with them and how that would look like where their son isn’t involved and I was met with complete reassurance that nothing, and nobody inc their own son would wedge between them and my daughter, hence the confusion, I’ve pondered back and forth about it many times but unless he’s managed to fully manipulate them, I don’t think it’s a decision they’d make lightly, regardless if that is the case - the decent thing to do would be let me know instead of keeping one foot in the door.

In the kindest way I think your expectations are too high. Your dd has the right to see family & know them. That's all that matters here. If they're flakey then make arrangements on your own terms, say you'll be here or there when you're going to be somewhere anyway, don't put yourself out for them. For example, if you know you'll be in on a Friday afternoon anyway, then say that to them. But if they then say Saturday is better for us, stick to your guns. Friday is the only day.
You never know when you'll need them, or your dd will need them in the future. You might find they'll be a bit more engaging when DD is a bit older & more interactive.

Also, sorry the dad is a shit bag, but again you never know in the distant future she might want to know him on her own terms too.

Original poster
Agentspencerreid · 20/04/2025 09:28

I just want to clarify that all expectations that I have were created by them. I feel a sense of somewhat “love bombing” was going on to begin with, perhaps to overcompensate for the lack of involvement during my pregnancy. It was them who decided they’d see her every week, and wanted to build a relationship with both her and me to ensure smooth sailing. I respect that now me and her father don’t have contact, that they maybe don’t want to have a relationship with me. I have no shame in saying however that if they aren’t willing to have me around, then they can’t have my daughter around either, id be totally open to them having her alone in future, but not whilst they are still strangers to me, and it is going to take time, effort and consistency for me to trust them with my literal soul and life. If anyone reads this and doesn’t agree, then I think it’s wild that anyone would leave their baby with people they do not know!

OP posts:
Original poster
Agentspencerreid · 20/04/2025 09:20

@MoreChocPls
he hasn’t contributed financially in any aspect, not a penny during my pregnancy or since having baby. I haven’t forced it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Agentspencerreid · 20/04/2025 09:17

@Moonnstars
Hey, they live 10 mins driving distance away. I’ve tried to accommodate them when they were unable to accommodate me for certain reasons.

id love for them to be able to take her places etc like they have stated they eventually want to be able to do, but I don’t know them in all honesty so wouldn’t hand my baby off to them without me being there, not until I have established that there is a healthy consistent relationship there, which will be approx in 15 years at the rate this is going. My mum sees her everyday if not every 2 days. My other family make the effort to see her multiple times a week where possible, I don’t hold expectations like that on them but they do it because they WANT to.

OP posts:
DrummingMousWife · 20/04/2025 09:16

I would leave it now and move on. They are flakey and so is their son. There will come a point when you have moved on and it’ll be easier for you that they are distant.

5128gap · 20/04/2025 09:16

You are being kind and generous, and ideally should be met with consistent warmth, support and interest. If that's not forthcoming, then you are entirely within your rights to dial back your efforts. Your DD is the most important in all this, and there's no doubt there would be huge benefit to her in a relationship with loving extended family, but you're right, only if it's reliable, as dipping in and out, hot and cold, can be worse than nothing. If I were you, I'd wait a while and see. Leave the ball in their court and give the benefit if the doubt, THIS time. If things don't get back on to a consistent footing in a few months, then yes, I'd think again.

Candles88 · 20/04/2025 09:14

Another vote for lowering your expectations. There is plenty of time to see how this plays out. Kindly you seem to be expecting too much from them, almost as if they are replacing the Dad role rather than just being grandparents. It doesn’t sound like you be had chance to get to know them very well yet. There could well be something going on in the background that you don’t yet know about.

Edited after seeing your update - it does sound like they’ve played a part in building expectations too high.

Original poster
Agentspencerreid · 20/04/2025 09:13

@curious79

I don’t think I am being “dramatic” when they are essentially strangers to me who have expressed their “commitment” to building a relationship with my daughter. They weren’t there during my pregnancy which I’ve accepted, and then gave me a spiel on how they’d see her every week & do this, that and the next thing. They set my expectations high, I didn’t come up with this myself lol. I’d love for the relationship to get to the point where they could have her overnights etc but that will never happen when I don’t know them and can’t get to know them because they aren’t around.

OP posts:
Original poster
Agentspencerreid · 20/04/2025 09:10

@StIgantius

Yeah I have considered that he may be pulling the strings a bit but I’ve been reassured heavily by her that he absolutely will not influence them, as to the truth of that I’m not sure… but if that is the case then it’s pretty cruel.

OP posts:
curious79 · 20/04/2025 09:09

I don’t think you can tell how busy or not someone is from their social media. You get a very curated view of what is going on but nothing in between, which could be hospital appointments, or changing a car, or having to deal with lots of admin for some reason.

I don’t see why you feel the need to be as dramatic as this being either one hour a week or not at all with no contact. My in-laws live two minutes walk down the road and sometimes we don’t see them for four weeks.

right now you have a baby and babies are not so interesting for a lot of people. The time at which you might get both these grandparents and indeed the father become very keen on both seeing your daughter and then even having overnight contact will be once she’s a toddler and speaking. At that point you might regret opening up these possibilities, or not.

I personally just think you need to accept there’s not going to be a frequent or predictable visiting arrangement. Don’t force them to make plans or push them. Let them come to you.

Original poster
Agentspencerreid · 20/04/2025 09:08

@PetrovaRabbit

i have considered this, I’ve exhausted every potential reason at this point.

I don’t think he would consider a dna test right now as it would solidify his responsibility, which he doesn’t want. All they ever talk about too how how my daughter is spitting image of him, I don’t think there is any real doubt there but you never know. He also would NEVER pay out of pocket for a DNA test, he’s a bum that would rather spend it on alcohol :)

OP posts:
MoreChocPls · 20/04/2025 09:07

Is the dad paying you maintenance?

Original poster
Agentspencerreid · 20/04/2025 09:05

@RobinHeartella @Radra @MoveYourSelfDearie
thanks guys.

I totally agree that it’s normal to go longer periods without visitation, and for example I hold that expectation for family of mine/friends etc who are actively involved in our lives and make effort.

I have met my daughters paternal extended family too and don’t expect regular visits etc but for grandparents, in these circumstances I think it’s different. Their idea is that they’d like to build a relationship with both me & my daughter and eventually have unsupervised visits with her (that sounds very formal but I don’t know how else to word it lol) which won’t be possible unless we build a consistent and healthy relationship. I generally have guards up in all aspects of life so I’ve been careful as to how close I personally get with them as I don’t want the nature of our relationship to affect my daughter at all in future… so I think when they are strangers who want to build a connection with their granddaughter to the point of having her on their own etc, that they probably should make the effort to see her more. I stated in a comment to another that overall they’ve not seen her for 10 out of her 16 week life.

OP posts:
Whynotaxthisyear · 20/04/2025 09:03

You’re doing really well, OP. You have made contact now but if the family are being flaky about arrangements I would not push it. Stay polite and see how things pan out.

Original poster
Agentspencerreid · 20/04/2025 08:58

@Guavafish1

it was 1-2 times a week from 1 week old, she’s now 16 weeks old and there has been around 10 weeks in total where they haven’t seen her at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Agentspencerreid · 20/04/2025 08:56

@Pepperama

i have considered they may be expecting but I honestly don’t think so. I had an open conversation with his mum a while ago about my daughters relationship with them and how that would look like where their son isn’t involved and I was met with complete reassurance that nothing, and nobody inc their own son would wedge between them and my daughter, hence the confusion, I’ve pondered back and forth about it many times but unless he’s managed to fully manipulate them, I don’t think it’s a decision they’d make lightly, regardless if that is the case - the decent thing to do would be let me know instead of keeping one foot in the door.

OP posts:
Original poster
Agentspencerreid · 20/04/2025 08:53

@MakeItToTheMoon
Thanks for your response :)

shes 4 months old currently, they don’t call/ft (which I understand to a degree as I guess she is a small baby), I haven’t seen them in approx 6 weeks & her dad has had no contact by choice since she was around 7 weeks old.

OP posts:
Moonnstars · 20/04/2025 08:42

How far away do they live? How often do your family see the grandchild?
I agree 6 weeks isn't a massive time frame. I am with my partner and we only see the in laws a few times a year as they live several hours away. Also if the baby is still young they are not massively interesting to visit constantly (that is probably badly worded). As they get older and play and talk then maybe they will engage more. If you are breastfeeding at the moment then it's not like they can take the baby out for the day and give you a break. As they become older they could help more by taking them to the park or days out. I wouldn't cut them out completely but wouldn't force them into seeing them either.

Jennalong · 20/04/2025 08:41

Could your baby's father be expecting with his gf ?
Obviously very wrong , but maybe the grandparents have decided to put all effort into them .

SilverButton · 20/04/2025 08:37

I would stop making a lot of effort, but I would leave the door open for if they want to be involved to some extent. I don't think you need to "cut them off". It's nice for the baby to have grandparents. Also, I agree with other posters that six weeks isn't that long for most grandparents (although it may be in your family) - for us that would be pretty normal.

BlondeMummyto1 · 20/04/2025 08:37

You’ve tried now step back and don’t make any further plans. If they want to see her they’ll have to come to you.

Viviennemary · 20/04/2025 08:35

It must be a very difficult situation for all concerned. But you have done nothing wrong as regards to his family. It isn't very kind of them to start of with great enthusiasm and then cancel plans. I agree with saying in a polite way that when they keep cancelling plans it's very inconvenient for you.