Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH was being an arse, then fell down stairs and I have no sympathy

257 replies

Caplin · 19/04/2025 23:31

I will start by saying my DH is a good man, but he arsed up tonight with my DD (13) and I was fuming. They were messing about and at the end he ‘playfully’ said she was being a bitch. I was horrified, she was horrified and she immediately left the room and called time on them watching their favourite programme. I recognised it for what it was, one of those pivotal moments with your parents where you suddenly realise they are a human and sometimes not nice.

He called on her to come back so he could apologise, but refused to go after her to say sorry. Frankly I thought it was a shit thing to demand she comes to him for her apology, he should have gone to her as he massively overstepped.

I went up to her to basically say that. I don’t want her to learn the lesson that she she should chase after a man for the apology she deserves, and that starts with her own dad.

I was so angry I couldn’t even look at him after that. He knows he messed up, I didn’t need to say it.

Anyway, he hurt his ankle a couple of days ago. Tonight after the altercation, knowing I was fucked off, he was going downstairs with some glasses and dramatically ‘fell’ down half a dozen stairs. Glasses everywhere, him lying dramatically in the hall. We have been together almost 25 years and I thought it was all a bit performative. I obviously ran down, gave him ice, painkillers. Asked if he needs to go to minor injuries. He was dramatic but said no, he could cope whilst lying on the floor for ages groaning.

Anyway, during a conversation afterwards it became clear he knew I was annoyed at him, but that wasn’t the moment to go into why I thought he was being an arse. I could barely disguise the fact I thought he was hamming it up. I offered to cancel Easter Sunday lunch with his family tomorrow and he said yes (we are cooking). I won’t as I know he was being a ham.

So AiBU to treat his fall down the stairs with distain? It was all a bit convenient timing for me to feel sorry for him. He has form for dramatic falling, he needs to sort out his core muscles frankly. Teaching my DD how she should expect to be treated is a bigger lesson than his ego.

I say all this, he is not usually an arse, but tonight he messed up and I am more annoyed that he has tried to bring sympathy to himself. Maybe he actually fell down the stairs, but his dramatic response afterwards tells me he did it on purpose.

AIBU to think he is a drama king and have literally no time for his shit….or am I being an uncaring wife?

OP posts:
tooksometime · 20/04/2025 07:58

It’s so disturbing to think that children are growing up in this household

Theeyeballsinthesky · 20/04/2025 07:58

genuinely baffled at the number of posters who think a grown man calling a 13 year old child a bitch is absolutely fine 😵‍💫

Shadowsunray · 20/04/2025 07:52

A good man doesn't call his 13 year old daughter a bitch and then refuse to go after her and apologise. The fact that you even question whether his fall was real or exaggerated confirms it. So he does something wrong and then decides to manipulate everyone around him instead of just apologising. I'd be keeping a close eye on his behaviour in the future. I don't like manipulative men who tell their daughters they are bitches.

Deathraystare · 20/04/2025 07:49

Calmdownpeople · 20/04/2025 00:09

I agree. I’m also not sure that teaching your child that if someone makes a mistake and oversteps that they should be punished for days and days and hard lines should be drawn. I don’t actually think this is the big deal you are making. But I also think you have an opportunity to say to your daughter she should speak up when wronged and not wait for someone to apologise. I think this teaches passism which for a woman needs addressingZ. Too many times a woman will feel wronged and then complain about it. Teaching her to use her voice is a good lesson here too.

Also, it’s between them. Not you are your husband. Whatever happened with the fall you are punishing him for something that happened between them.

Show quote history

Yes...but how hard is it for him to apologise???? The poster should not need to tell him to apologise, he is not kid number 2! He is a grown up and if a parent fucks up in some way, it is up to that parent to apologise!

Hobbiestwriter · 20/04/2025 07:39

I hope you aren't ignoring him or giving him the silent treatment as that is abusive and an awful environment for a child to grow up in.

she's 13, not 3, Bitch is very much a PG13 word and it was said in jest?!

verycloakanddaggers · 20/04/2025 07:35

Caplin · 20/04/2025 00:04

No, I suspect he is dyspraxic as he has always been clumsy. The birch thing is one of those stupid, ‘oh bugger, I went too far’ things that he hasn’t done before

Show quote history

I think in general you're out of order in how you describe him injuring himself. Some people do react more than others when injured, and this can be learned behaviour from childhood or a more extreme physical reaction to shock or pain. Humans are not all the same.

However, leaving all that aside, he 100% needs to go to your DD to apologise.

gannett · 20/04/2025 07:29

These are two separate issues.

You're right about his behaviour to your daughter. He needs to apologise to her and he's pathetic for not going after her to do so immediately.

But I can't fathom being in a relationship where, if I was injured, my partner only had disdain for me and disbelieved me. Or where my first instinct if my partner injured themselves was to disbelieve them. That indicates a fundamental contempt for the other person that's incompatible with any sort of relationship.

You may be right to have that contempt or you may not. But you can't have that contempt AND be married to someone imo.

myplace · 20/04/2025 07:28

Does He bellow when he bumps into things or spills things?

DH really winds me up with that. It genuinely makes me so stressed. I’m really calm. As a result my serious injuries are ignored and his trivial ones get lits of attention. 😅

It’s like the world ends when things don’t go to plan, and everyone needs to rally round and make him feel ok again, even if it’s his error in the first place.

SparklyGlitterballs · 20/04/2025 07:27

First thing that needs sorting this morning is him going to DD to apologise for his words.

Make sure he does a good share of the work today if it's his family being hosted for lunch.

I agree with another PP, your DD is 13 now. Perhaps a good time for DH to lay off with the tickling thing.

TheCurious0range · 20/04/2025 07:27

What was the context of the 'banter' they were having some kind of play fight, what was said before he called get a bitch?.
Eg if she thumped him with a cushion and ran off saying you can't catch me you big fat oaf/baldy slap head etc, a retaliatory oh you bitch and a cushion launched in her direction is probably within the context of the situation, you said he said it jokingly.

I do think the whole tickle fight and banter is a bit odd at her age but there was a whole thread recently of people who still do it with their husbands which I also thought was odd.

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 20/04/2025 07:18

PeriPeriMam · 19/04/2025 23:44

He "has form for dramatic falling" probably needs more explanation, to put this into context.

Do you like him? Because you're not paiting him in a good light. All you are demoonstrating is massive disdain.

Aimtodobetter · 20/04/2025 07:15

Caplin · 20/04/2025 00:17

I plan to sit them both down tomorrow. Tonight she had walked and lines were drawn. But it isn’t on her to go to him. Cold light of day and a night of dwelling on his mistakes are required.

He isn’t diagnosed but is probably neurodiverse, and after 25 years I know that what he needs is time and he will do the right thing, but if I try and force it it drags things out. I come from a family of neurodiverse people (dad, sister, brother) so I’m used to it and probably less likely to race into a big fight, as experience tells me that sleeping on things and coming back calm works better to get a good result.

You sound very reasonable and sensible and like someone who understands the right way to manage your relationships with the people on your life. Go with your gut.

FeetupTvon · 20/04/2025 07:10

How have you managed to stay with him for 25 years?

Secondly, what did he actually do to dd?

Horses7 · 20/04/2025 07:08

YANBU - in fact I think you’re spot on.
I wouldn’t have nursed him with ice etc.
He needs to apologise to your daughter and fast - horrible behaviour and from her Dad! Don’t let this go OP.

Karasis · 20/04/2025 06:55

@springintoaction321 the men will be okay, they've got handmaidens like you to stick up for them.

If you don't think it's necessary to advocate for a 13 year old to a grown man, I hope you're not a mother honestly.

You cannot possible fail to realise that no-one is saying "falling is an unattractive trait." 😂So disinegenous and undermines all the rest of your already rather feeble jabs. Why comment at all if you won't do it in good faith?

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 20/04/2025 06:08

Why did you offer to cancel Easter lunch and then not do it when he said yes.

You are playing right into his hands allowing his dramatics

springintoaction321 · 20/04/2025 06:07

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 20/04/2025 05:49

Thank you for advocating for your daughter and giving her power. Take a moment for being a fab mum!!!

😂😂😂

springintoaction321 · 20/04/2025 06:06

Ds1, who has ADHD, used to do this when he was younger. He grew out of it before he was 10. I would find this behaviour very unattractive in an adult man.

Yes - I mean falling down is such an unattractive behaviour! And when did people with ADHD fall down more?

WTF???

Also in regard to the OP - it sounds like you need to grow up. Your DH made a comment when messing around that he didn't mean. Then you sulk for hours/days in a pathetic manner and start a thread on Mumsnet to confirm your over the top reaction. Really?

And if your DH can pretend to fall down 6 or so steps while holding glasses, I'd actually be pretty impressed with his acting skills.

You say your daughter is a feisty 13 year old, well she can speak to her Dad herself and tell him he was out of order - she doesn't need you sulking on her behalf.

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 20/04/2025 05:49

Thank you for advocating for your daughter and giving her power. Take a moment for being a fab mum!!!

ioveelephants · 20/04/2025 05:42

Why are we pretending teenage girls aren’t little bitch’s sometime? I know mine is and when she is I will tell her! The whole dramatic fall down the stairs is there a right way to fall down the stairs? 😂

LadyChillaryTerfington · 20/04/2025 05:41

Threeboystwocatsandadog · 20/04/2025 01:59

Ds1, who has ADHD, used to do this when he was younger. He grew out of it before he was 10. I would find this behaviour very unattractive in an adult man.

Show quote history

my mother does over-dramatic minor bump reactions and she's 75 :/

Anywherebuthere · 20/04/2025 05:39

I think considering the lack of effort from him to apologise to your DD, you'd be forgiven for being uncaring even if it is a genuine fall.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 20/04/2025 05:34

Tbrh · 20/04/2025 05:31

Agree. It just doesn't sit right with me. I don't think a father should ever call his daughter a bitch.

Show quote history

It's awful anytime a man call a woman that let along a girl and one's own child.
It's the sort of thing you'd never forget.
(and maybe find yourself in counselling for at 40..., iykwim)

Tbrh · 20/04/2025 05:31

Mumtobabyhavoc · 20/04/2025 05:29

I'm struggling to understand how a dad can jokingly call his 13 year old daughter a bitch. 😵‍💫

Show quote history

Agree. It just doesn't sit right with me. I don't think a father should ever call his daughter a bitch.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 20/04/2025 05:29

Tbrh · 20/04/2025 04:34

Really? She's 13 and he's her father. It's not a nice thing to say. I still remember my Dad calling me a bitch when I was a similar age (although he was not being 'playful', it's not nice even if he was "joking"). It really hurt and changed my opinion of him

Show quote history

I'm struggling to understand how a dad can jokingly call his 13 year old daughter a bitch. 😵‍💫