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Original poster

DH was being an arse, then fell down stairs and I have no sympathy

257 replies

Caplin · 19/04/2025 23:31

I will start by saying my DH is a good man, but he arsed up tonight with my DD (13) and I was fuming. They were messing about and at the end he ‘playfully’ said she was being a bitch. I was horrified, she was horrified and she immediately left the room and called time on them watching their favourite programme. I recognised it for what it was, one of those pivotal moments with your parents where you suddenly realise they are a human and sometimes not nice.

He called on her to come back so he could apologise, but refused to go after her to say sorry. Frankly I thought it was a shit thing to demand she comes to him for her apology, he should have gone to her as he massively overstepped.

I went up to her to basically say that. I don’t want her to learn the lesson that she she should chase after a man for the apology she deserves, and that starts with her own dad.

I was so angry I couldn’t even look at him after that. He knows he messed up, I didn’t need to say it.

Anyway, he hurt his ankle a couple of days ago. Tonight after the altercation, knowing I was fucked off, he was going downstairs with some glasses and dramatically ‘fell’ down half a dozen stairs. Glasses everywhere, him lying dramatically in the hall. We have been together almost 25 years and I thought it was all a bit performative. I obviously ran down, gave him ice, painkillers. Asked if he needs to go to minor injuries. He was dramatic but said no, he could cope whilst lying on the floor for ages groaning.

Anyway, during a conversation afterwards it became clear he knew I was annoyed at him, but that wasn’t the moment to go into why I thought he was being an arse. I could barely disguise the fact I thought he was hamming it up. I offered to cancel Easter Sunday lunch with his family tomorrow and he said yes (we are cooking). I won’t as I know he was being a ham.

So AiBU to treat his fall down the stairs with distain? It was all a bit convenient timing for me to feel sorry for him. He has form for dramatic falling, he needs to sort out his core muscles frankly. Teaching my DD how she should expect to be treated is a bigger lesson than his ego.

I say all this, he is not usually an arse, but tonight he messed up and I am more annoyed that he has tried to bring sympathy to himself. Maybe he actually fell down the stairs, but his dramatic response afterwards tells me he did it on purpose.

AIBU to think he is a drama king and have literally no time for his shit….or am I being an uncaring wife?

OP posts:
BeaRightThere · 21/04/2025 18:32

Mayanatalia · 20/04/2025 01:45

I really don’t think the bitch comment was that big a deal, maybe I’m just not middle class enough to be on mumsnet 😂

Same, absolutely baffled by the responses here. Though in general Mumsnet always seem to be very fond of clutching pearls where even mild swearing is concerned

Vynalbob · 21/04/2025 18:17

If he was wanting to cancel his family I don't think it was fake. Plus if he hasn't always been clumsy it actually could be a sign of something underlying going on.
Note: as he has had a fall he could always call DD to apologise - obviously crossed a line but hard to know how far without context
Eg if he'd have said 'that was a bit of a b1tchy thing to do/say would that be passable or was it completely uncalled for..
If he's generally not a w⚓ I'd not leave him in the dog house too long.

Roxietrees · 21/04/2025 18:16

I really don’t think “messed up” is the phrase for it. Anyone who calls their own daughter a bitch is a misogynistic arsehole. That would never even be part of my vocabulary when I’m with my DD, it wouldn’t enter my head, no matter how angry I got. I’m definitely not against swearing but bitch is a vile word to describe a woman or girl. The dramatics over the fall sound pathetic and embarrassing on his part

laraitopbanana · 21/04/2025 17:49

No time for his shit team :)

I am not usually thinking « well done! » when I am reading Mumsnet but you handled it like a pro. Your daughter learned what to expect AND how to handle gracefully situation that aren’t exactly giving her satisfaction.
plus
your dh fell, so that is the cherry on the icing. I sincerely hope it hurts mildly for weeks…of course…before it completely heels. I also hope she makes him pay his due by being a teenage for the next 5 to 25 years 😂

ScartlettSole · 21/04/2025 17:40

Dramatics seem to be hereditary. Hes being dramatic falling all over the shop, seriously he needs to get checked if this is regular and you and your daughter are being dramatic over a jokey comment. When did saying your being a bit of a bitch warrant all this caper?

Notsolongthistime · 21/04/2025 07:15

Imagine this man being your husband of 25 years?

Imagine this man being your father?

shudder

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 20/04/2025 19:52

Caplin · 20/04/2025 11:43

If you read what I said I was not normalising it. I was horrified and it was massively out of character, I thought he was in the wrong and should apologise, he has. Not sure what part of that is putting my head in the sand?

Show quote history

Ignore the wind-up merchant. Lecturing anyone on a throwaway insult when she has been shaming the other poster over something that is not her fault - I think not!!!

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 20/04/2025 19:51

tooksometime · 20/04/2025 11:42

And now this is your focus
me merely raising another thread that was relevant to a pusher minimising your husband’s behaviour

you have family over imminently and family drama and no doubt a pretty still shaken young teen… and yet here you are

ok, enjoy your Easter op and good luck for the future

Show quote history

And yet here you are again - no shame!!

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 20/04/2025 19:50

tooksometime · 20/04/2025 11:38

But you are right. I came back to see if op had updated And now I understand why the op has remained with him for so long. It’s all a bit of “joke” and a laugh now 🤔

How deeply unpleasant.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 20/04/2025 19:48

tooksometime · 20/04/2025 11:36

As I say…. Head in sand
hence why you’re 25 years in to a marriage with a man who calls his young teen daughter a “bitch”

do you have a son? I’m hoping I missed the post confirming you do not

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Would you not go away and give your head a good wobble after the way you treated the other poster?

Mumtobabyhavoc · 20/04/2025 19:38

I find it very interesting how many people seem to think it's okay for a parent to use profanity at their child.
It's really not. Children always look to you as a bit on high, regardless of the phase they're going through. They may test us, but to call them names, even jokingly as though we're buddies, is never the same as one of their friends doing so jokingly. It will always stick with them. OP has mentioned dd was hurt. Dh wouldn't, couldn't, didn't go to her to apologise and reassure her he messed up. It's also interesting how that word just slipped out. That indicates it's commonly used. Does no one wonder about a dad who easily refers to women as bitches? Even his own daughter? Isn't anyone questioning his outlook?

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 20/04/2025 19:02

Smallmercies · 20/04/2025 12:45

Bit of a reach

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The example I gave was much more extreme, but the principle is the same. A person behaves badly and then, rather than take responsibility for their bad behaviour and apologise, engineers a situation which makes themselves deserving of sympathy, and thus dodges the issue entirely. It’s quite a common tactic. Not necessarily what OPs husband was doing, but it was my instinctive response having seen it many times before.

badgermushroomm · 20/04/2025 15:43

faerietales · 20/04/2025 11:40

Your behaviour towards @DearBee was awful and still is awful. Honestly, pack it in.

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Agree this poster is disgraceful and is obviously not capable of reflecting on their own lower-than-low standards of behaviour. So coming back on to pass judgement and act superior towards OP or anyone else (after declaring they were hiding the thread) is laughable.

Smallmercies · 20/04/2025 12:45

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 20/04/2025 11:03

It reminds me of that because the man did something badly wrong and didn’t apologise, but then hurt himself and all the attention was suddenly on him as the one needing sympathy and the fact that he’d done something badly wrong and should have apologised got conveniently forgotten because of course him being injured was the priority.

Show quote history

Bit of a reach

hcee19 · 20/04/2025 12:19

He definitely needs to apologise to your daughter. Re the falling downstairs, treat others how you would like to be treated..

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 20/04/2025 11:59

Caplin · 20/04/2025 11:26

Except I didn’t give him lots of attention, that was the point.

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I wasn’t having a go at you, that was replying to another poster. I think you are completely reasonable for not pandering to him in this situation. Do you think he fell on purpose to get out of taking responsibility for his behaviour? Because that is very much what I’m thinking.

UpUpUpU · 20/04/2025 11:48

So walk away OP and enjoy Easter, rather than argue with strangers on the internet.

Original poster
Caplin · 20/04/2025 11:44

tooksometime · 20/04/2025 11:42

And now this is your focus
me merely raising another thread that was relevant to a pusher minimising your husband’s behaviour

you have family over imminently and family drama and no doubt a pretty still shaken young teen… and yet here you are

ok, enjoy your Easter op and good luck for the future

Show quote history

No drama, apologies have happened. We move on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Caplin · 20/04/2025 11:43

tooksometime · 20/04/2025 11:39

I wasn’t stalking

fgs the thread was about a horrific dh and brother and was very recent and very memorable

and so the poster normalising the behaviour of your husband wasn’t on I didn’t think

Show quote history

If you read what I said I was not normalising it. I was horrified and it was massively out of character, I thought he was in the wrong and should apologise, he has. Not sure what part of that is putting my head in the sand?

OP posts:
tooksometime · 20/04/2025 11:42

Caplin · 20/04/2025 11:40

You aren’t helping yourself. Again, have you apologised for your cruel behaviour to the other poster? Several people have asked and you are ignoring them.

Show quote history

And now this is your focus
me merely raising another thread that was relevant to a pusher minimising your husband’s behaviour

you have family over imminently and family drama and no doubt a pretty still shaken young teen… and yet here you are

ok, enjoy your Easter op and good luck for the future

faerietales · 20/04/2025 11:40

tooksometime · 20/04/2025 11:39

I wasn’t stalking

fgs the thread was about a horrific dh and brother and was very recent and very memorable

and so the poster normalising the behaviour of your husband wasn’t on I didn’t think

Show quote history

Your behaviour towards @DearBee was awful and still is awful. Honestly, pack it in.

Original poster
Caplin · 20/04/2025 11:40

tooksometime · 20/04/2025 11:38

But you are right. I came back to see if op had updated And now I understand why the op has remained with him for so long. It’s all a bit of “joke” and a laugh now 🤔

You aren’t helping yourself. Again, have you apologised for your cruel behaviour to the other poster? Several people have asked and you are ignoring them.

OP posts:
Hobbiestwriter · 20/04/2025 11:39

tooksometime · 20/04/2025 11:37

I did not like that poster normalising a man calling a young teen a bitch

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Oh well, if you don't like something then act however you like, green light for nasty bitter behaviour 👍🏻

The way you have behaved on this thread is much worse than calling a 13 year old a bit h in a silly game. You don't have the moral high ground.

tooksometime · 20/04/2025 11:39

Caplin · 20/04/2025 11:37

You are an absolute treat! Have you apologised yet for stalking and shaming the other poster? I think you are the one with issues and poisonous behaviours here.

Show quote history

I wasn’t stalking

fgs the thread was about a horrific dh and brother and was very recent and very memorable

and so the poster normalising the behaviour of your husband wasn’t on I didn’t think

tooksometime · 20/04/2025 11:38

But you are right. I came back to see if op had updated And now I understand why the op has remained with him for so long. It’s all a bit of “joke” and a laugh now 🤔