That so many AIBU are about no children at weddings?!

I know people always say it’s so parents can relax, well if you have managed to get a sitter and you have to clock watch/drive it’s not that relaxing anyway.

Part of the problem I found is weddings aren’t local anymore as your friends are all over, so I was invited to one over 300 miles away. No children. She was pissed I didn’t come. She is super close to her mum who takes her children for weeks at a time but not all of us have that. So either we took DD and tried to leave her with a total stranger, and she would kick off, and we make a holiday of it. Or I went on my own and spent 8 hours and a small fortune on public transport getting there. It was just too much grief either way.

I don’t think it’s a new thing. I’m in my 40s and I remember not being allowed to attend a relative’s wedding aged 10 as children weren’t invited in case they didn’t behave. I was a very well behaved child and can guarantee I would have behaved. Same relative came to my wedding with her children, who definitely did not behave but who I accepted as they were part of the family and I wanted them there.

What has changed, in my family at least, is that the next generation are not getting married! Or at least, not at the age that most people (in my family) used to. My cousins and siblings and I were all (bar one) married by 30. But there are 8 resulting ‘children’ in their mid 20s to early thirties and none of them are married. That seems a massive change in one generation.

Yeah but kids are a PITA and Peter Kay is shit.

I imagine it dates back to when marriages were based less on love, and more on cementing alliances between families. The good old days indeed.

Exactly this, in response to both posts in this trail. I'm unsure where this cant about 'the joining of two families' comes from.

How often do your parents see your in-laws? In the case of mine (we eloped) that would be precisely never. The same goes for almost all my friends as well as my parents' parents.

I don't think this is at all unusual.

I had intended on a child free wedding and then got endless pressure to invite my husband’s two young cousins. One of them fell over on the dance floor after trying to run across a bunch of people and screamed his head off and the other one ate too much at the buffet and threw up on the floor. I should have held my ground!

I have kids and never assume they’re invited anywhere. But we also don’t feel guilty for saying no if we can’t make it work. We don’t have babysitters so just miss things if it doesn’t work for us. I see no issue with this. Not everything is meant for children - and to be honest, I don’t love having my kids around people drinking anyway so am happy to give it a miss.

We had a small wedding venue with limited numbers. One of DH's close friends has 7 kids, their family would have made up an entire table at our small wedding and meant that we wouldn't have been able to invite all the people we actually wanted there. We didn't have kids because we didn't have an unlimited pot of money. People were free to turn down the invitation.

Children and weddings can be tricky. It's expensive, and to be frank there are a lot of crap parents about who do/would let their children make a lot of noise or run riot during a wedding. I have 6 kids, it would be fucking expensive even for someone having a relatively cheap wedding to invite all of us!

The only time I've ever had an issue with a child free wedding was when a bride went ballistic because I couldn't go. Had 2 kids at the time. Their dad was abroad working so couldn't have them. Their Grandmother was mid chemo and couldn't have them.

The bride was my cousin. She met my other cousin at my 21st. So my entire family, both sides, were going to the wedding. All my friends were going as the bride and I were part of the same friendship group and my DD's childminder was also going.

I literally had nobody I could ask so politely told her I couldn't go. She hasn't spoken to me for 20 years over it. Apparently I could have found "someone".

Ha ha yep those. The truth in most cases is that everyone thought how cheap they were and longed for a nice meal and shindig in a posh hotel!

Yes that's why I said 'assuming you're close'. Obviously not everyone has family or gets along with family, in which case you ofc wouldn't invite them.

But if you are super close to your sister and nephew for instance, I do think it's rude not to invite the young child of a family member you supposedly love a lot.

Probably due to the poor parenting you see now. Just been on holiday and the amount of times parents have simply ignored poor/bad behaviour is shocking. Adult only area - but of course my 8 year old can just play with his ball there or I’m going to pretend my child isn’t dragging the furniture around making a high pitched screeching noise etc. The worst is I’m going to ignore everything because I’m busy on my phone and don’t want to know.

That is true, but an older child who doesn't 'play' so much any longer (maybe 9-16 years old) is likely to not know all or even many of the aduts and any other children there depending on the wedding and if there's a large family etc. Standing around for hours not really having anyone to talk to isn't fun. Probably will be wishing they could be out with friends or at home.

My much older siblings wedding, I was 11. I knew nobody other than my parents and grandparents who all knew others there. Granted they were attentive enough toward me but realistically they were either part of the bridal party and/or mingling with other guests and busy. It was a loooong day of standing/sitting about for me interspersed with maybe one or two hours of some conversation, food and photos.

I think mn sometimes envisions children being at a wedding as LOTS of children being there who all get on and all know one another. Realistically the bridesmaid's ten and 12 year old might have never met Aunt Mildred's kids or they might even dislike one another. Or Bridesmaid two's two and four year old will be off playing with some younger kids and that's all who's there, all different ages and practically if not literally strangers.
It can be a nightmare for a shy child and boring as hell for an older one if nobody there they know.

I had a mainly child free wedding, because I had moved abroad to my fiancee's home country and his friends had a lot of badly behaved kids. It would have put the whole thing out of balance had we invited his best man's six feral kids plus all the others. However, I regret it now to a degree. I think we should have had a smaller adults only reception, and then later a big party with all the children.

The default normal for me would be children of close family (i.e. kids of siblings) would definitely be invited, children of friends definitely not, and other family (e.g. kids of cousins) could go either way. So my view of what's reasonable is based on that....with a bit of consideration for personal circumstances with respect to very young newborns or family with absolutely no childcare. (IRL I don't know anyone who doesn't have at least one easy and willing childcare option...usually two).

My more controversial view would be that being married doesn't entitle your spouse to an invite (and going to a wedding alone is fine) and that kids of siblings being invited absolutely means that step-kids should be treated the same. I also dont think anyone I know would choose to take their children to a friend's wedding, even if they were invited!

Think I've covered the spectrum of mumsnet posts with the above.

I actually think it's as much about venue practicalities as cost. Most venues round here are 100 people for sit-down I would have thought and that's all you can fit. If you invite partners and kids of everyone then you are potentially having to exclude friends and family.

I only went to one family wedding as a child - that of an older cousin - and it’s not a “big memory” for me at all. In fact I only have vague memories of it. My parents went to several weddings without us (me and sibling). We didn’t care.

Her kids are going to be part of the important part of the wedding, the ceremony! They don't need to be there for the drunken after party, in fact no children should be. Maybe @heidi nd her husband want to relax and enjoy their day too. Unclench!

My stepson originally specifically didn't want my youngest son to go to his wedding (most other kids could go). Now everyone is invited as the wedding plans have changed but I'm not going as I now have a newborn as well so don't want to be constantly stressing about them ruining things and taking them outside during the ceremony. I'm not annoyed by it.

But they aren’t, not now and thank god for that. They are a celebration of a couple who have chosen to share their lives with each other. That’s nothing to do with the family or community.
Some of us aren’t close to our families and if I was marrying today I would choose my friends who I know and love over my siblings and certainly their children, who I don’t see or have any desire to see and know.

MN approved wedding = cheap village hall thing with every child in the family doing knee slides across the floor and everyone still talking about it today.
🤣🤣🤣

Yes my priorities are getting my children minded so they don't have to endure a day I know they would absolutely hate (some kids would love it, for many reasons mine wouldn't). I'm also prioritising them by knowing I will not be able to be a good parent that day, between photographs (which my children despise getting into so I will not be forcing them), being pulled for conversations with family and friends, and the formalities of the day, I will not be able to give them as much of my attention as I would like. I'm sure when they are in their 30s, receiving their 10th wedding invite in one year, they will thank me for not bringing them starting their attendance at weddings at the age of 2!

MN approved wedding = cheap village hall thing with every child in the family doing knee slides across the floor and everyone still talking about it today.

Yes, these magical MN weddings that cost £3.50, the bride wore a dress made of paper doilies with a bouquet bought from the local garage, the food was ham sandwiches made by Auntie Sue and all the children are dancing the macarena with grandad late into the night. And afterwards everyone tearily tells the bride that it was the beeeest wedding they've eeever been to! 🙄

It’s part of the insularity of people. The idea of being part of a community is horrifying to many. “My house my rules”, “it’s an invite not a summons” kind of thing. How can I stop others entering my house, I hate having guests, etc etc etc.

And then we wonder why having children with zero community, zero support, so the only option is expensive childcare, is so hard.

Because we pushed people away right from the start.

(Badly behaved adults are also part of the problem for sure - you know, those who can’t bring themselves to take their screaming baby out of the room because they’ll miss the vows and never mind that no one else can hear the vows thanks to their screaming baby…)

Indeed - it only seems to be on MN that people are “astonished” and “can’t get over” how brides and grooms might want to actually choose how they spend their day (and money). It’s always the ones who have such well-behaved kids as well 😳
Out in the real world I’ve been to various configurations of weddings and they’ve all been fab for various reasons (including the friend whose bride’s parents got rip-roaring aggressive drunk and ended up fighting on the dancefloor with the young kids all egging them on - the mum ended up upside down with her knickers on full display 😂)

It’s not sudden, there have been thousands over the years and generally have similar themes- childfree weddings = joyless, soulless, Instagram affairs. MN approved wedding = cheap village hall thing with every child in the family doing knee slides across the floor and everyone still talking about it today.

In reality some people want children at their wedding, some people want some children at their wedding and some people want none. All three groups co exist beautifully in the real world, but then, a good wedding thread is always fun to read.

Utter nonsense. I got married in 1991 & had a largely childfree wedding. Our choice. Not a new thing. There were 3 young children there (for reasons that are not important). One of them shouted all through the vows. Still annoys me.