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Manic bipolar episode - ruined my life and no way out

31 replies

feelinggverylost · 19/04/2025 22:04

As the title suggests.

Really, really desperate for some help or advice before I take my next step because I am not thinking rationally and feel so lost and alone right now. This is a bit of a long post just so I don’t waste anyone’s time.

I’m 30, a mum to a 5 year old boy who is severely autistic & non-verbal with GDD. I also have an amazing, supportive partner who I am very lucky to have, but he is also under a lot of stress so I’m sort of coping with this by myself.

My partner is his main carer whilst I work full time & run my own business which I started after my partner lost his job. It picked up quickly and we were able to live more comfortably so we continued with me working full time. It’s a decision I deeply regret as I feel I have missed out on so much time with my little boy and blame myself for his development often. I absolutely adore him and every night I am ravaged with guilt when he goes to bed.

I have bipolar disorder and I was in a long-term episode of a mixed episode from late 2023 to Autumn 2024 and have destroyed mine and I fear my families lives.

I have never had an episode like it, and it was triggered by ill health and burn out, I think.

In this space of time I was a different person. I got the business £35,000 into debt and now have a CCJ. I gave thousands to a stranger online out of sympathy after watching their lives on TikTok (I am beyond ashamed), got myself personally into £80K of debt, became delusional thinking I was dying, attending 3 different hospitals over 12 months 38 times, which eventually got me cut off from my GP and I had a warning letter for hysterical behaviour. I became convinced my parents hated me and wanted to take my son away, I don’t know who this person was and now that I am not in the same place (but worried I may be soon) I, whilst I don’t remember some of it, a lot of what I do has really traumatised me. And I have contemplated suicide, the only thing keeping me going is my son and my partner, I have let them down horrendously but I know they need me. But I know they deserve so much more and sometimes I think maybe they’d be better off financially and mentally if I wasn’t there anymore.

I got some help when I got into a horrific low, a crash from the mania, and was started on new medication and had some sessions of therapy.

I started feeling better and felt I needed to work to make everything right and managed to somewhat build the business back up to the point I was at least paying my debts.

But in February my meds were changed again, and everything is plummeting. I am more stressed than I have ever been, I’m emotional and agitated, I’ve been rude and snappy to people, stopped sleeping, I have done beyond ridiculous things like the idea to start a bracelet business, spent money on a load of stock which I haven’t touched, and even contacted angel investors. I realise already that is ridiculous so I am hoping that means I’m not exactly back where I was.

But I’ve lost concentration, struggling with low energy, losing clients, I have someone supporting me but it’s still not enough. I’m feeling low, struggling with flash backs from the episode, and I am just so beyond tired.

Paired with our son, who is so bloody bright and just wonderful (and deserves a much better mum), who attacks me a lot (though not to hurt me, it is the reaction, and we also have lots of lovely cuddles and time together) but it is still hard dealing with everything altogether.

I am so overwhelmed that I am starting to just numb myself to everything.

It is my dream to be a full time carer to my son and to just but the business behind me so my partner could go back to work, but I am crippled with debt and feel I have no choice but to keep working, but it’s never ending and I am making myself unwell by trying to work. But as I mentioned I am beyond thankful to my amazing partner who is an incredible dad, and I am emotional in private so not around him.

I don’t remember the last time I felt happy and normal. I’m at my breaking point and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether the crisis point is now or soon and I’m scared.

I don’t know how there is a way to get through this or how to live with with myself going forward.

Please; if anyone has any suggestions or advice, I am desperate.

OP posts:
PercyPigInAWig · 19/04/2025 22:14

I’m so sorry, if all sounds incredibly difficult, for you and your partner. I can imagine thinking about it all at once is overwhelming so maybe try not to focus on it all too much. Not trying to be flippant, but what’s done is done, it’s awful that your illness has meant that perhaps you made choices but at a time when you didn’t have the right frame of mind.

Firstly get your medication sorted, don’t get further into debt.

Hoping wiser people than me will come along soon.

khaa2091 · 19/04/2025 22:14

YOU did not do these things, your illness did.
Please contact your crisis team now tonight and if you can’t reach them speak to the Samaritans.
Your son deserves to have you in his life and you need help now. Turning things around after the last episode must have taken so much effort, but you managed it.
You have asked for help - you are in charge, contact someone tonight.

Turkishcoffee · 19/04/2025 22:12

I don't know what advice to offer but just wanted to post my sympathy for everything you are going through here.

I would have thought you should contact a GP as soon as possible and explain what is going on. It might be better if your partner found a job and you did the childcare so you have a steady income and less stress.

justasking111 · 19/04/2025 22:10

Setting the bipolar aside. Anyone could have a break down in a situation like the one you are living.

I would, however, get your meds sorted urgently. You are being messed around by the medical professionals here

fallinlovenothate · 19/04/2025 22:10

Are you open to any MH teams? If not call your local crisis line (it's open 24/7) you need an urgent med review, also self refer to NHS talking therapy, depending on the area there can be a long wait, but if youve at least got the referral in that's something that can help.

Focus on mindfulness, grounding, and distraction techniques for the mean time.

Also have a look at hub of hope and try and find local services. If you let me know the area you live I'm happy to try provide a bit more advice around what's around locally for you

TheQuietestSpace · 19/04/2025 22:10

You need support from a secondary mental health service. I dont know what the situation is now with your GP but you need to get them to refer you - even if you have to register with another practice.

You haven't ruined your lives. I work with people who have done some things whilst manic that they were so ashamed of, like you, but who regain their lives and eventually the awful thing doesn't feel so awful in the context of their lives moving forward x