Is it such a bad thing If I don't have children?

I have 2 kids and it's such hard work and not that rewarding. Deciding not to have children is a very valid choice.

Honestly having kids is a risk and very much a mixed bag as you've seen on here. I think a lot of people do it as that's what you do. Well done on thinking about it

Oops. May I just check you knew I was being ironic? (I'm assuming you are too...)

Yeah, woe is us having a lie in whenever we want, clean peaceful homes, money for interesting holidays, time to learn/read/think, time for self-care.

Someone needs to get on that ASAP.

Yep! If in doubt, don't. Great life rule, IME...

Oooh, interesting. Gap in the market there, influencers. 😅

@KimberleyClark no my neice doesn’t but she is upset with the fact that people are saying, you should have s boyfriend/kids/living alone want babies by now. What’s the rush at 26?

Various reasons:

• Why would I? I'm interested in other things.
• The world I live in doesn't look seriously underpopulated to me.
• I grew up in a dysfunctional family and at no point did I think "Ooh, having kids is great for everyone involved". Plus breaking the chain of dysfunctionality seems like a good idea.

Does your niece have schizophrenia?

You are only nearly 26 !!!

At your age l didn’t have kids, l didn’t think l wanted them, l had only nearly just meet my husband at this point in my life. I have 2 who l love and wouldn’t change for the world. I have endometriosis, it’s a lot better after the kids.

But you my darling are only nearly 26, there’s no rush to have life sorted out or know what you want, you don’t say if you are in a relationship or not, tell people to mind their own business, as your life changes you might change your mind.

l had the exact same conversation with my niece last night.

I know so many women in their 30s who aren't having children, it's becoming more common and it's absolutely fine. Don't let society dictate that you should have a lifestyle and hardships that you're not interested in. My sister is one of those women in her 30s, she's never wanted children, never changed her mind, and she travels with her husband and finds her joy elsewhere. She is fulfilled and happy. I think you should only have children if you really want to.

I'm 58, no kids and I never wanted them. I don't regret it.

It's better to regret not having children than regret having them.

There is nothing wrong with not having children. I am an only child. Had I had siblings nieces nephews I might not have bothered but that said I do not regret having ds. My parents died by the time I was 40 and I did not want to have nobody.

I wanted kids but couldn’t have them. IVF didn’t work. Like you I am hypothyroid. Was not diagnosed until after we stopped actively trying but was told that even being incipiently hypothyroid could have caused the very poor response to ovulation stimulating drugs that I had. Anyway I have a lovely happy life now. I think the “but you’ll regret it” is massively overhyped, most people don’t regret it.

This article may be helpful.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/living-single/202003/7-reasons-people-shouldnt-fear-theyll-regret-not-having-kids#:~:text=7.-,To%20fear%20future%20regret%20about%20not%20having%20children%20is%20to,by%20the%20choice%20to%20parent.

I feel for you with the sadness and fear. But tbh goodness only know how long you will live, we neither of us might get to old age. Don’t waste too much of your youth worrying about it. The world seems increasingly unstable, we probably will be old people, but we might not, either way let’s just be happy now and then at least we can look back on some good memories.

And you don’t know how life will pan out, or who you will meet. You could meet other people in the same boat as you and make a collective, you could meet someone with children already and have a network there, either a lifelong friend, or a partner. I’ve met people who’ve been honorary aunties and been cared for by ‘nieces and nephews’ that way.
There are ways of meeting people who would rely on you, and you can rely on them. It takes years to make that sort of deep friendship though. But you have years!!
Have you always lived in the same place? Do you know anyone from school still?
Are you involved in much community stuff like parish councils or charities or volunteering? Once you get involved with one of these networks you meet a lot of people most of whom are kind and friendly.
Do you feel strongly about any issues or activities? There’s always groups looking for people to help out and run events.

If you don’t have a ready made family it takes years to make a really strong friendship, but maybe that’s what you need.

I hope you have a better day today, you’re in a dark place right now.

People who make comments like that are ignorant and spiteful, ignore them. Yes, many people find parenthood fulfilling and wonderful but many people don’t and if you’re leaning towards not being a parent then carry on with your life and tell them their rude commentary about your life choices is not welcome.

And as for dying alone. My grandmother had 11 siblings, 2 children, 6 grandchildren and about 40 nieces and nephews and she still died alone 2 days after Christmas (which we then found out was her intention all along but still). Nothings ever guaranteed.

How can you have no other way of being in a network apart from having a child or siblings? Some of the most well connected and socialable people I know either are only children or don't have kids.

I work in adult social care, assessing those care packages. By far the least lonely elderly people I've met are the ones who have been involved in their community, churches, hobbies, groups etc and many of these don't have children either. It's the ones that have completely absorbed themselves into their nuclear families with no other connections outside it that are the most lonely as their children are either working full time, busy with their own commitments or have moved away.

And the overwhelming abuse of older people comes from family themselves. You just don't hear about it.

You've posted many posts about it. You have no idea how your life will pan out, you may not even need care when your older. You could get run over by a bus this afternoon. The only thing that is sure that if you do get older, you'll completely regret wasting life feeling scared and sorry for yourself than actually going out there and living it.

You only get one shot at life. It's up to you how you want to live it.

My mother has a lot of mental health issues. These ruled our childhoods.

my sister (mid 30s) has very similar mental health problems. She’s has chosen not to have children because of this as she would never want to do to a child what our mother did to us and she doesn’t trust that she won’t. It’s the right choice for her. She’s never regretted it so far.

Thank you, yes I have visited the Gateway website before. To be honest, I found some of the articles on there more upsetting than uplifting. For instance there is one about dying alone. I think it was actually the trigger for a lot of my fears. However, the support groups and meets up are perhaps different? And I am glad you have found them so helpful. Thank you for the suggestion!

@Strawberriesandpears have you heard of childless collective (used to be gateway women)? They have online support and do in person meet ups, it’s a good way to make friends with other women who don’t have children (not by choice). There are childfree (by choice) support groups too. I joined both in my 40s. I have been making new friends, everyone I’ve met is lovely, we have WhatsApp groups too and it’s fun, positive and supportive.

I have cats, no children, and I don’t regret it for one moment.

This is my problem - I have no children and have no way to be in another network as I am an only child. I am absolutely terrified of what will happen to me when I am old, and for the last 2 years, I have thought about it every second of the day. I fear being old, alone confused, abaonded and abused. I wake every morning with anxiety in the pit of my stomach and it never leaves me. I am lying in bed right now ready to face another day full of sadness and pure fear.

Absolutely the happiest middle aged women I know don’t have children and are off to gin festivals and sports events and weekends away at the drop of a hat! I think staying child free is a great option for you, if it’s what you want. You can live your life exactly as suits you best and focus on what is important to you. You can achieve so much.

I do believe people are happiest in a network though, so you might have to make an effort to be in a different form of supportive network to the norm. My experience of caring for elderly people is that children are brilliant when you are old and confused, nieces are second best, so be kind to any nieces or nephews.

@Notsure54 I'm 43 with a 15 and 16yr old. I was 26 and 27 when they were born. I've struggled with parenting from day 1. Literally day 1. I cried for 3 weeks when I found out I was pregnant with DC2 but couldn't bring myself to do anything about it having been through all the scans the first time around.
It didn't get any easier. The worry, stress, anxiety of raising kids who have since been diagnosed as neurodiverse just cripples me. I could have had a fulfilling life without parenting.
I'm counting down now until I get a bit more freedom.
Just one perspective of motherhood 💐