Is it such a bad thing If I don't have children?

I wouldn't have children in your position because as a child of someone with psychosis, it was so very hard for me and my sibling growing up, we had to be passed around a lot because my mums illness couldn't be controlled and when it was controlled we didn't know how long for, i witnessed things a child should never see, i became a carer for her when I was still a teenager and missed school because of this I wouldn't willingly put a child through that, if I had developed the same illness I absolutely would never have had children, I don't know your situation or how well controlled your illness is but it is a big risk to put a child through if you go downhill

Parenting teenagers through peri menopause honestly was one of the hardest phases of life I've ever been through.

Same here. Currently in the middle of it now and it is HELL. Lots of people find the baby and toddler phase hard, but this is far harder and I had 2 kids under 2.

I have kids and it's been ok. I adore them but the immersion and the process of motherhood was only occasionally fulfilling. I very much didn't enjoy the societal inequality. Getting all that straight within the family was a slog. It's very bitty as an experience, overall. There are great parts of it and the actual people, my children, are wonderful.

I have a good number of close friends without children. Some chose it, some did not. I think when they were in their 30s it was far more of a pain in the arse, because people kept expecting them to want children and seemed to judge them a lot (they all say this). All are in their 40s and 50s now and don't regret it. They are very free, very financially stable (by design) and not all of them have a relationship. It is a good life.

I've just gone through menopause and I'll say, I don't know how it is with schizophrenia, but don't discount hormonal upheavals and mental illness. The you that is typing now wouldn't be the version of you who goes through pregnancy and the postpartum period (which is up and down anyway). Age changes you. Parenting teenagers through peri menopause honestly was one of the hardest phases of life I've ever been through.

My partner has 3 siblings and only 1 of the 4 of them has children. All past child bearing age now and no regrets from any of them.
You do you, don't be swayed by others.

I'm in my early 60s and never had a child. I was never sure I wanted kids, had a somewhat unhappy childhood and have struggled with depression on/off. I am married, but he too was ambivalent about having children. I don't regret it, and am in a good phase of my life right now. I do wonder what will happen when I get much older, as I, my husband and sister have been quite supportive to my parents when elderly, helping with hospital appointments and the like and we won't have that. But having children as some kind of insurance policy against the future seems a bit off anyway.

Anyway I'm not sure if I've addressed the OPs post fully. You are only 25 and if having children is something you do think you want, it can be worth discussing with your doctor and psychiatrist in terms of medication, your illnesses and what support is out there. I've known people who have had pcos and hypothyroidism who have also concieved and carried babies.

Equally you might decide you don't want to be a mum and that the sacrifice to your health isn't worth it or you just don't want children full stop. No one should justify or explain why they don't want children. It's completely fine to say you don't want children because you just don't want them!

It's a very personal decision with no right or wrong answer. Some people do regret not having children, other people are completely at ease with their decision. Other people completely love being a mother and others regret their children.

I would as hard as it is, ignore all these stereotypes or comments that if you don't have children that it is guaranteed you'll regret it or you'll end up lonely with cats. Some people get very weird about someone's decision to not have children and come out with all sorts of nonsense to try and shame or scare people.

I have anxiety and depression (though not schizophrenia) and it took me a lot of counselling and soul searching before I decided to have my son. It's not been easy but I am happy and don't regret my decision. However this only applies to me and your own situation and thoughts are entirely different.

I think it is a very mature decision, many people don't assess their personal situation when it comes to having DC.
DC are wonderful but they are hard word that requires a lot input.
Sadly, many of those children end up as carers or neglected when the parents illness becomes unmanageable.
Then there is the risk of passing on hereditary illnesses.
Well done on considering the long-term implications.

If you are not sure it would be better not to have children. But on the other hand you might feel differently in a few years. You've got plenty of time to decide.

My mum always said "None to make you laugh, none to make you cry."
It helped me with my decision. You'll miss out on good things, you'll miss out on bad things. Go with your true desires.

I'm in my 50s and ND. Being single with cats has always sounded a million times better than having children!

Do you take any medication that will affect pregnancy or baby?

@Surferosa It is interesting to think about how the landscape might change with regard to elderly care. Near me there are plans for a 'wellness village' which seems a bit different to a retirement village. It includes an 'integrated fragility hub' which I think means like an onsite hospital.

Oh absolutely I wouldn't have children for the sole purpose of having someone to look after me in old age. I see on the elderly parents board how burnt out some people are looking after parents who refuse outside help.

It's just I read so much online (and here on Mumsnet) about how difficult the care system is to navigate if you don't have loving advocates. I guess they don't have to be children though, could be nieces or nephews (for those who have them). For me I will have no choice but to rely on friends and that feels like a huge burden to put on them.

This is why I would like to move to a retirement village setting where the care is delivered by paid professionals and any decisions on when to increase levels of care are again made by professionals. I don't want to be a burden on anyone (be that children or friends).

I don't want to derail this thread as I know you've posted a lot about this and I think professional support is what you need. But having children isn't going to stop you have dementia and wandering into a road. It isn't going to stop you being on your own with just carers popping in.

I've had many many clients who have had children and dealt with the exact same situations you have described above. Having children doesn't mean you're somehow sorted for old age or you're going to avoid being lonely or all these catastrophic things you think will happen.
It would be very wrong to have children for these reasons. Would you have them and then demand that they stay with you for the rest of their lives so you're not lonely and they can look after you? What if they want their own family or want to move abroad?

Not everyone needs care or gets dementia, and in fact many people don't even live to old age. I've had many relatives drop dead suddenly at a young age. You're worrying about and catasphrosing about things that entirely outwith your control. And deciding to spend the next 30-40 years with a sense of panic and dread is frankly ludicrous when you could be out there living your life, making connections and getting proper support to help you live a meaningful life.

Not having children doesn't doom you to a life of lonelieness and no support. More and more women and men are not having children and I think this in itself will make people rely more on communities and external support which is a good thing. And as mentioned before I know many family friends in their 60s and 70s who don't have children and they are all happy, content and live full rich lives.

You have pcos hypothyroidism anxiety depression and schizophrenia. That's a lot to deal with in your mid 20's. Along with this you need to consider that you have schizophrenia and you may not be able to take your current medication if you were pregnant. Then pregnancy is hard on the body and can effect you mentally even after the birth.

You need to consider your own health and then would you be able to care for a baby, deal with a small child and cope with a child at the horrible teen-age stage. I have friends with kids and being honest I am glad I am child free.

In your situation I would work on keeping as well as possible and lose some weight if your overweight. I would work on friendships and go on days out and have holidays.

Woman can and do have good lives been childfree. I know a lady who is now in her 70's who never had kid's. She kept up her friendship groups, kept in contact with family and relatives . She has her own home and has a nice lifestyle. She has travelled a lot in the past and still goes on holidays. She sees her family and relatives on a regular basis and they call to see her because they like her. She is generous to people who are good to her. She also cut a few people out when she realised they find her if they needed something but ignored her the rest of the time.

It easy for other people to say that a woman should have kids but it not them who have to get pregnant and then have to bring up a child. I also think it not fair to have a child unless it's something that you really want to do. You also have to consider your own physical and mental health and you don't want to pass health issues on to them.

Whilst I am sad not to have children, I also feel relief that I don't have to guide anyone in this mad world!

Mid 40s, child free with a lovely partner and a sweet cat. Couldn't be happier with my lot. Similarly to PPs, I am so relieved not to be navigating this bonkers world on behalf of a little one.

@Surferosa Apologies, I hope my reply didn't sound ungrateful. I am not! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I definitely agree that people should not have children to avoid loneliness or for their old age care, and you are right - some adult children do seem to be very demanding around things like childcare.

Thank you. I think it's understandable and reasonable for me to want to try and plan ahead and imagine myself living in a place with companionship and care. The retirement village I have been looking at is celebrating its 100th birthday soon (it hasn't always been a village - it has been just a care home too) and it has also undergone some development lately, so it seems like its future is relatively certain? Currently it's all privately funded. It doesn't accept LA funded residents, and I should be able to afford it. It's a lovely place with lovely grounds, hence why I daydream about living there someday.

I understand what you say about neighbours and community but isn't there a worry that that might not look the same in 40 years or so. That people will be more insular etc? Obviously I really hope not, and I will do my best to be a good member of my community and to care and look out for others too.

I think my worst nightmare is that I get dementia and there is nobody to notice and I wander out into a road one day. Or that my health fades and I spend my days alone at home with random carers popping in for 10 minutes at a time. If in the retirement village, at least I would have company all the time.

Sorry, just rambling really and putting some of my worst fears into words.

I don't mean to burst your bubble but you're looking at what these retiring villages are offering now. By the time you will need that sort of care, the type of support and care these retirement villages will be different, eligibility criteria and funding will be different and a lot of these places won't exist and will be replaced by something new. I'm not saying this to be gloomy just that the landscape of social care is always changing and it seems pointless to be so so fixated on something that may or not exist in about 40 years.

And aren't all older people orphans of some sort? I'd find it extremely rare to find someone of elderly age still with parents about and many people have already found their siblings have died off too.

Absolutely no one should have children so they won't be lonely or have someone to care for them when they are older. It's a terrible and enormous burden to place on children. People should have children because they want them. Not to held stave their own existential crises or as some sort of solution to their own anxiety.

As I said before, I really cannot emphasise the benefits of community and neighbours. From my own work, children and families make no difference to whether a person will be lonely when they are older and in so many cases, they create so much more many problems than they solve. I have a son but I 100% understand and agree with the reasons why people don't want them! You only have to read posts on here from adult children who state they won't help their own parents in old age unless they get help with childcare. Who call their retired parents selfish for wanting to go on holiday or spend their retirement how they please. There seems to be this expectation that once you have children, you must then spend the remainder of your life in absolute servitude for them, that even as your children grow older and have families of their own, the grandparents are still expected to put all their own health, wants and wishes aside.

No wonder people look at the above and think "no thanks". People should be absolutely free to make choices and life decisions with no judgement. As I mentioned before I know many family friends in their 60s and 70s with no children and some even with no nieces or nephews. And far from being lonely or sad, I actually think they have enormous peace and contentment from living a life that they can dedicate to themselves without burning themselves out providing care to children and grandchildren.

Thank you very much for your kind message too. You are right - life is so unpredictable. Bad things can happen, but good things can happen too! I think I was very isolated in my 20s due to having a shy personality and also due to having a job which I hated and left me very depressed and run down. Then in my early 30s, Covid hit which again left me isolated. In more recent years, I have been doing a lot better for friends and connections. Thank you again.

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. It's very kind of you. I am really pleased to hear that through your work you have found those that make an effort to stay connected are less lonely than those who are fully absorbed in their nuclear families.

I can definitely see how that could well be the case, and it definitely offers me hope. I would also like to live in a retirement village where there will be plenty to keep me occupied, friends to be made and care on site if needed (the one I have indentified has on site residential, nursing and dementia care if needed).

So I am probably well set for a decent old age, but then sometimes I will read a thread or article about lonely old people with no family or 'elder orphans' and it sets me of panicking again!

Nah. We're not an endangered species or anything. People should only have children if they 100% want them and can appropriately care for them and support them.

To be fair, I've most of that and I've got loads of kids 🤷‍♀️