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Original poster

To say no to being a guarantor for SC mum?

483 replies

OhYesYouDid0 · 19/04/2025 15:54

Wondering what everyone's thoughts are on this.

My husband has children with his ex partner. I don't have a problem with his ex, we actually get on pretty well and she's a good mum. But I know she struggles with money and being sensible with it, I'm not judging but it's important context to this situation.

She asked recently if DH would meet her for a coffee to discuss something. It turns out she is in a bit of a mess financial and has a large amount of debt. Long story short she is having to leave her current home and downsize but due to poor credit she is having to put down a guarantor on the new property and she has asked that this be DH. She doesn't have much family around other than elderly parents and one brother whom she isn't close to.

DH came home to discuss this with me and I'm at a loss. Honestly I want to say no. We are comfortable financially but there are things we have planned for the next few years that are quite money heavy, an extension on our house, perhaps trying for another child (we have one 5 year old together) and I am reluctant to potentially have those plans put more financial strain on us or have to change completely if she were to need DH to help cover the rent. She assures us it won't come to that but really who knows. She lost her job a couple of years ago (redundancy) and has struggled since then on lower paid ones she says, having taking things on credit she really shouldn't have.

DH is obviously torn as its his children's home but has said he would not agree to anything if I wasn't fully on board.

It's hard, I have absolutely no issue with SC living with us if it helps or being here more often (currently 3 nights per week) but part of me does feel that's where our obligation ends. I am reluctant to put potential strain on my own life, children, finances because of exes money troubles and I want to say no.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Snowdropsaremyfavourite · 19/04/2025 19:36

Absolutely no way would I let my DH agree to this. She needs to get some advice on how to manage her money but that's nothing to do with you or your husband.

Startinganew32 · 19/04/2025 19:35

BigHeadBertha · 19/04/2025 19:33

After reading all of your posts, I totally agree with you. I also think you're being very kind, thoughtful and reasonable.

I would definitely not put myself, my household or our future plans in jeopardy for someone who has already demonstrated that she's not responsible with money.

But from your posts I get the idea that you would actually like to help out. Therefore/if so, I suggest offering her cash assistance, a gift, not a loan, of however much you and your husband would be okay with. But absolutely no signing for a lease or a loan or anything at all. And I'd make it crystal clear that it's a one-time gift only, that there won't be any more. And it that's not enough to get her out of the jam she's gotten herself into, well, that's fine. Surely, any amount will help her out some and it's not your responsibility in the first place. Best wishes.

Edited

Most landlords would insist on the guarantor and if they do take six months rent upfront, they will ask for another six months next time or a guarantor so it’s really not solving the problem. It’s just kicking the can down the road a bit.

deliciouschilli · 19/04/2025 19:35

You should not have to do anything at all. Your husband, however, should be doing everything in his power to keep a roof over his childrens' heads., and no, you will not be able to just take the children in.
Their mum has rights and it may destroy the relationship between them and their dad if you push for it.

Nicknacky · 19/04/2025 19:35

@TulaOfDarkWater What happened with your relationship with that person? Were they at least sorry about it?

TulaOfDarkWater · 19/04/2025 19:34

Mumofteenandtween · 19/04/2025 17:56

Bloody hell! That is terrifying.

Could you detail how the £54k built up? I think it might be quite illuminating. In my head I was thinking how much could be at risk and came up with £20k and thought that Inwas being prudent!

Show quote history

36k was unpaid rent (16 months) and the rest was legal fees including the landlord’s solicitor’s fees, court fees and bailiff costs. It’s worth noting the 54k is just what the court determined I had to pay out and does not include my own solicitor fees so add on another 5 figure amount on top. Ironically I got off “lightly” as I didn’t have to pay for property damage (landlord was seeking this) and I only had to partially cover the landlord’s solicitor fees and not the full amount; it actually could have been a lot worse.

A big part of the problem is if the tenant refuses to leave willingly, it takes about a year to get them out via the courts and all the while rent arrears keep accruing.

Startinganew32 · 19/04/2025 19:33

I wonder how many people saying that the OP and her DH should do that would be guarantor for their own exes so that they could get a bigger house so the kids could stay overnight there. Would they fuck. No way in hell and the man would be called a cheeky cocklodging fucker for even suggesting that. Being “impregnated” doesn’t give you some lifelong claim to support against another person. And if you have children, you grow up and take financial responsibility for them.

JengaCupboard · 19/04/2025 19:33

I was in a similar position with (now) ExH some years ago. It was a flat No. with the same caveat to have additional (or permanent) care of the child if required. Genuinely struggling is one thing, the result of poor financial decisions is quite another and there is no way I’d agree to this.

BigHeadBertha · 19/04/2025 19:33

After reading all of your posts, I totally agree with you. I also think you're being very kind, thoughtful and reasonable.

I would definitely not put myself, my household or our future plans in jeopardy for someone who has already demonstrated that she's not responsible with money.

But from your posts I get the idea that you would actually like to help out. Therefore/if so, I suggest offering her cash assistance, a gift, not a loan, of however much you and your husband would be okay with. But absolutely no signing for a lease or a loan or anything at all. And I'd make it crystal clear that it's a one-time gift only, that there won't be any more. And it that's not enough to get her out of the jam she's gotten herself into, well, that's fine. Surely, any amount will help her out some and it's not your responsibility in the first place. Best wishes.

CaptainFuture · 19/04/2025 19:32

@OhYesYouDid0 I think the level of entitlement that @mumofoneAlonebutokay has for your money to pay for an ex's life would cement my firm stance to not take on responsibility for her!

LePetitMaman · 19/04/2025 19:32

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 19/04/2025 19:01

I can't keep quoting everyone who thinks I'm wrong and she should be left without her kids to find somewhere to live - without the possibility of a guarantor

She's not just his ex. Sorry, she had and raised his kids. The right man would ensure she doesn't bloody end up homeless because things got tough

She literally is just his ex.

Your user name explains your perspective well

Original poster
OhYesYouDid0 · 19/04/2025 19:30

Catlady63 · 19/04/2025 19:28

OP, would you agree to your DH paying the first few months rent? As a long term loan to be taken off the child support overba periid of time.

This has been suggested by a number of PPs now.

Potentially yes but we'd have to have a chat about how much this would work out at.

OP posts:
CaptainFuture · 19/04/2025 19:30

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 19/04/2025 19:21

Well no, if she was impregnated by a woman, I'd say the woman should ensure that she doesn't end up homeless.

Show quote history

Again, not herself ? Why do you think she is such a.passenger in her own life? Are you sure this isn't your story?!

Sapienza · 19/04/2025 19:28

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 19/04/2025 18:56

I'm not in this scenario.

But I'd tell all women, that if you have a man's baby, don't picture it being all dreamy, picture his new wife being told not to let him help you when you're going through a tough time!

Edited
Show quote history

No, having a man's baby is not a woman's key to lifelong financial support. Only a fool would believe this.

The man only has a responsibility to provide for his children. He is not legally obliged to provide lifetime financial support to his ex-partner.

RawBloomers · 19/04/2025 19:28

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 19/04/2025 19:05

😄 no, it suggests that this thread is full of posters who don't care about a woman struggling

Everyone could become this woman - not everyone will have a marriage that lasts long enough for them never to be in this situation.

Show quote history

Every man can be in this situation too. I don’t think their ex’s should be responsible for keeping them housed 10+ years after they’ve split up. Especially if part of the reason their housing is in jeopardy is because they didn’t take their financial responsibilities seriously enough.

Catlady63 · 19/04/2025 19:28

OP, would you agree to your DH paying the first few months rent? As a long term loan to be taken off the child support overba periid of time.

This has been suggested by a number of PPs now.

SL2924 · 19/04/2025 19:27

In the worst case scenario it would be pretty bad as you’d be liable. You need to figure what that will likely cost you.

In the best case scenario where she doesn’t need bailing out, I guess it would be wonderful to know that you had truly been there for someone when they needed it and had made a material difference to their life and their children’s.

Whatever you choose I think it is lovely that you are both even considering it.

Original poster
OhYesYouDid0 · 19/04/2025 19:25

Catlady63 · 19/04/2025 19:21

OP refers to the SCs mum as her husbands ex-partner, so I take it they weren't married, so no settlement to get. If he owned the family home, she wouldn't have got anything out of it.

Even if they were married and she got a cut of the marital home, OP has been married for over 10 years, so I imagine the kids father was able to buy a house with her, while his ex, as a single woman, wasn't able to get a big enough mortgage for a home for her and her kids on her own.

It's why divorce settlements generally used to allow the mother to stay in the family home till the youngest was 18/finished college, so the kids wouldn't lose their home, as they have in this example.

No they weren't married and at the time of their split they were both pretty junior in their chosen careers. They split the only asset they had, the house and went their separate ways.

Me and DH bought our home together about 5 years ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhYesYouDid0 · 19/04/2025 19:22

on the condition that she gets her finances sorted

How do you enforce this though? You're essentially just taking someone's word for it but if they go back on that or something happens it is then too late, you cannot say "but you promised you'd sort it out", it's tough, he's already signed and we'd be liable.

I mean life would be lovely if I could seriously have the confidence in someone's word alone to potentially but 1k a month on the line (more with potential legal costs if it came to that) but I don't think that's realistic. Surely it would make me financially irresponsible as well to just blindly take her word.

OP posts:
Catlady63 · 19/04/2025 19:21

OP refers to the SCs mum as her husbands ex-partner, so I take it they weren't married, so no settlement to get. If he owned the family home, she wouldn't have got anything out of it.

Even if they were married and she got a cut of the marital home, OP has been married for over 10 years, so I imagine the kids father was able to buy a house with her, while his ex, as a single woman, wasn't able to get a big enough mortgage for a home for her and her kids on her own.

It's why divorce settlements generally used to allow the mother to stay in the family home till the youngest was 18/finished college, so the kids wouldn't lose their home, as they have in this example.

BobhopeNohope · 19/04/2025 19:21

@mumofoneAlonebutokay when does the ex responsibility end for his ex.
They've been parted 10 years.
She's not asking for a guarantor because of something out of her control.

Her and the kids are in thos position because of the mum,and no one else.
She's reckless with money,that's nobody fault but hers.
She has to stand up and take responsibility.

Nicknacky · 19/04/2025 19:21

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 19/04/2025 19:16

I've had like 6 people quote me

If you've carried a man's kids and he would see you on the streets, I'm very sorry about that, you deserved better

My point remains the same, that the op is being unreasonable and her husband should do this for the mother of his children, on the condition that she gets her finances sorted.

Those kids deserve a dad who'd ensure their mothers safety.

Who are you addressing that to?

You can carry on with sentimental claptrap about carrying babies but presumably women also have them because they want them, not just for their partners benefit.

I don’t really care if my ex ever becomes homeless and I think most peo0le are the same. He’s not my responsibility and I’m not his. The kids are OUR responsibility and that’s where it ends. That’s what divorce/separation does.

It’s the woman’s responsibility to sort this out, it’s not a good role model for the kids to see her getting bailed out by someone from her past.
, especially when it affects his current marriage and finances.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 19/04/2025 19:21

CaptainFuture · 19/04/2025 19:19

So no personal responsibility? It's always the 'man's job'?

Show quote history

Well no, if she was impregnated by a woman, I'd say the woman should ensure that she doesn't end up homeless.

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 19/04/2025 19:20

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 19/04/2025 19:16

I've had like 6 people quote me

If you've carried a man's kids and he would see you on the streets, I'm very sorry about that, you deserved better

My point remains the same, that the op is being unreasonable and her husband should do this for the mother of his children, on the condition that she gets her finances sorted.

Those kids deserve a dad who'd ensure their mothers safety.

You're talking like she's a bystander in her own life.

She carried his kids - they are her kids too.

He would see you on the streets - who's fault is it that she made poor financial choices?

They deserve a dad who ensures their mothers safety - and they don't deserve a mum who ensures their safety?

Why is it just their dad who has to step up and fix his exes life?

Skybluepinky · 19/04/2025 19:20

Of course not.

CaptainFuture · 19/04/2025 19:19

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 19/04/2025 19:16

I've had like 6 people quote me

If you've carried a man's kids and he would see you on the streets, I'm very sorry about that, you deserved better

My point remains the same, that the op is being unreasonable and her husband should do this for the mother of his children, on the condition that she gets her finances sorted.

Those kids deserve a dad who'd ensure their mothers safety.

So no personal responsibility? It's always the 'man's job'?