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Original poster

To say no to being a guarantor for SC mum?

483 replies

OhYesYouDid0 · 19/04/2025 15:54

Wondering what everyone's thoughts are on this.

My husband has children with his ex partner. I don't have a problem with his ex, we actually get on pretty well and she's a good mum. But I know she struggles with money and being sensible with it, I'm not judging but it's important context to this situation.

She asked recently if DH would meet her for a coffee to discuss something. It turns out she is in a bit of a mess financial and has a large amount of debt. Long story short she is having to leave her current home and downsize but due to poor credit she is having to put down a guarantor on the new property and she has asked that this be DH. She doesn't have much family around other than elderly parents and one brother whom she isn't close to.

DH came home to discuss this with me and I'm at a loss. Honestly I want to say no. We are comfortable financially but there are things we have planned for the next few years that are quite money heavy, an extension on our house, perhaps trying for another child (we have one 5 year old together) and I am reluctant to potentially have those plans put more financial strain on us or have to change completely if she were to need DH to help cover the rent. She assures us it won't come to that but really who knows. She lost her job a couple of years ago (redundancy) and has struggled since then on lower paid ones she says, having taking things on credit she really shouldn't have.

DH is obviously torn as its his children's home but has said he would not agree to anything if I wasn't fully on board.

It's hard, I have absolutely no issue with SC living with us if it helps or being here more often (currently 3 nights per week) but part of me does feel that's where our obligation ends. I am reluctant to put potential strain on my own life, children, finances because of exes money troubles and I want to say no.

WWYD?

OP posts:
WearyAuldWumman · 19/04/2025 20:05

Startinganew32 · 19/04/2025 20:01

It’s never been the case that a spouse is liable for the child support of their spouses ex. This is a total and utter myth. It is calculated on the income of the paying parent and that was the case 15 years ago too.

Show quote history

Interesting...The reason that my stepdaughter always gave for not marrying was that her income would have affected the maintenance paid to her partner's ex. (The children from the marriage were adults and the ex never worked.)

Once the SD planned her early retirement, the couple announced their engagement.

MellowPinkDeer · 19/04/2025 20:05

hello no. End of.

Startinganew32 · 19/04/2025 20:03

bigfacthunter · 19/04/2025 20:00

How much has her finances/earning capacity been negatively impacted by being the children’s main caregiver? You say you have them 3 nights a week but is that weekend nights or weekday nights? If you have them on weekends and she is struggling to find and keep a job because of caring for your DPs children during the working week then I think he should help. If not then no it doesn’t make sense.

something to consider though is if you don’t help and you live in an expensive area she might have no option but to move somewhere much cheaper (which depending on where you are could be much farther away). And this will impact your lives in a totally different way.

Edited

They are teenagers. Some people will make any excuse for why this woman is so shit with money and try to make out that her ex of 10 years should finance her. If you can’t afford to house yourself and your children then you have to accept that and not beg for handouts.

ItsDrActually · 19/04/2025 20:03

When I split with my ex I did a notice of financial disassociation. I wouldn't be doing this for my own family, let alone someone who is needing to move because of financial difficulties. The risk of being liable for their rent would be too much.
For me, this would be a deal breaker for my relationship.

Startinganew32 · 19/04/2025 20:01

WearyAuldWumman · 19/04/2025 19:58

I don't know what the law is now, but my stepdaughter and her partner didn't marry because her (high) income would have been taken into consideration for the maintenance that he had to pay his ex wife.

That was more than 15 yrs ago, so things may now be quite different.

Show quote history

It’s never been the case that a spouse is liable for the child support of their spouses ex. This is a total and utter myth. It is calculated on the income of the paying parent and that was the case 15 years ago too.

IridiumSky · 19/04/2025 20:01

No way!

It’s not that she may ‘need DH to help cover the rent’. It’s that he would become legally OBLIGED to pay, and all of it if necessary.

He already pays fair maintenance, and looks after the child. Enough!

Especially as it appears that the ex-wife has a poor credit record not due to bad luck or unexpected problems, but through her own financial incompetence.

bigfacthunter · 19/04/2025 20:00

How much has her finances/earning capacity been negatively impacted by being the children’s main caregiver? You say you have them 3 nights a week but is that weekend nights or weekday nights? If you have them on weekends and she is struggling to find and keep a job because of caring for your DPs children during the working week then I think he should help. If not then no it doesn’t make sense.

something to consider though is if you don’t help and you live in an expensive area she might have no option but to move somewhere much cheaper (which depending on where you are could be much farther away). And this will impact your lives in a totally different way.

WearyAuldWumman · 19/04/2025 20:00

WearyAuldWumman · 19/04/2025 19:58

I don't know what the law is now, but my stepdaughter and her partner didn't marry because her (high) income would have been taken into consideration for the maintenance that he had to pay his ex wife.

That was more than 15 yrs ago, so things may now be quite different.

Show quote history

Have just re-read, OP. You're unaffected, I think, because your DH wasn't married to his previous partner, so it's only child maintenance that he's paying.

Fahdidahlia · 19/04/2025 19:59

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 19/04/2025 17:02

OP I hear you that this is a really difficult situation, personally I would try to offer up other options as support (ie having DC at yours more, as you have suggested) but absolutely avoid being a guarantor unless you're rich enough to be able to cover both her monthly rent and your own costs every single month for the duration of her rental agreement.

It is the DH’s decision, not the OP’s decision as she isn’t being asked to be guarantor and none of her income or assets will be at risk.

Don't think you understand how marriage makes assets linked.......or liable for each other.....

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 19/04/2025 19:59

Look at it this way.

She could be the most financially responsible and astute person imagineable, but she hits a run of bad luck. Extra expenses. Job loss. Ill health. Etc. It can happen to anyone.

She then can't pay rent.

The council will not house her until she's forced out by bailiffs, that process takes many months at best. She would have no choice but to sit right and wait it out, all the time running up your bill. You're on the hook for everything. You're fucked.

It's a very major risk even if she's perfect with money, which she is not.

WearyAuldWumman · 19/04/2025 19:58

OhYesYouDid0 · 19/04/2025 19:56

My income is surely irrelevant to the maintenance he pays?

Show quote history

I don't know what the law is now, but my stepdaughter and her partner didn't marry because her (high) income would have been taken into consideration for the maintenance that he had to pay his ex wife.

That was more than 15 yrs ago, so things may now be quite different.

Original poster
OhYesYouDid0 · 19/04/2025 19:57

And considering DC are here just one night a week less than with their mum I really don't see 650 quid plus extras as the bare minimum. It's certainly more than he'd be ordered to pay by CMS.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhYesYouDid0 · 19/04/2025 19:56

CatherineM66 · 19/04/2025 19:40

650 per month for two children, if you are both comfortably off, is the bare minimum. It is financially very difficult being a single parent. Your DH should feel that he wants to help.

Show quote history

My income is surely irrelevant to the maintenance he pays?

OP posts:
Startinganew32 · 19/04/2025 19:55

CatherineM66 · 19/04/2025 19:40

650 per month for two children, if you are both comfortably off, is the bare minimum. It is financially very difficult being a single parent. Your DH should feel that he wants to help.

Show quote history

It’s quite a lot actually. I’m not sure how you class comfortably off but it’s a good amount of money and likely more than the minimum, especially since the DH also has them several days a week and pays for extras.

Arancia · 19/04/2025 19:54

Your husband is insane to even entertain this request. Making a financial commitment to someone who can't manage their finances is like locking yourself into a room with a hungry lion.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 19/04/2025 19:51

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 19/04/2025 19:16

I've had like 6 people quote me

If you've carried a man's kids and he would see you on the streets, I'm very sorry about that, you deserved better

My point remains the same, that the op is being unreasonable and her husband should do this for the mother of his children, on the condition that she gets her finances sorted.

Those kids deserve a dad who'd ensure their mothers safety.

Well here’s number seven. Nope. He has no obligation to step in if his ex is shit with money. His obligation is to his kids and OP has already said she will facilitate that. Have a look through OP’s updates - they’re already contributing a fair bit and the ex has still managed to get into debt. They’ve been divorced ten years - where does it end ? Have you never heard of a clean financial break - it’s there to make sure this kind of thing doesn’t happen.

WearyAuldWumman · 19/04/2025 19:47

OhYesYouDid0 · 19/04/2025 16:03

Absolutely. It's their home and they can be here as much as they need or want to be, that absolutely is no question. I feel like this is where DHs obligation ends though personally.

It's not that I even think she'd deliberately not pay. I genuinely don't. She's a nice woman and a good mother and I imagine this is a horrible situation for her. But as said, simply put I just don't want (in the worst case scenario) it affecting our life, finances, plans for the future. I do not believe that is a fair request.

Show quote history

It's just too risky.

You say that she's a sincere person, but bad with money. It's a nope from me.

BlueSpikeyPearls · 19/04/2025 19:43

CopperWhite · 19/04/2025 15:59

She’s not asking you, she’s asking her children’s father. If he’s inclined to do it then he should.

Although I think if he does say no, it is only right that he offers to provide the children with a full time home.

The father of her children is OP's husband. If he goes into debt because his ex doesn't pay her rent, that debt will be OP's as well. If he were single it would be his decision. As it stands, it's a joint decision about family money.

If the ex had ended up in the situation despite being responsible with money, then I would think differently, however, this is self imposed. Her actions now have consequences.

JaceLancs · 19/04/2025 19:41

Cross posted with last post apologies

HonoriaBulstrode · 19/04/2025 19:41

no, you will not be able to just take the children in.
Their mum has rights

The children are in their teens. Their mother does not have a right to prevent them from living with their father if they choose to do so. (And vice versa)

JaceLancs · 19/04/2025 19:41

How much is the rent? Could DH pay his £650 maintenance straight to the landlord and so ex pays the difference
If she was unable to pay the extra at dons point in the future then I wouldn’t be paying the full amount plus maintenance
Ex also needs to go to CAP and CA etc and see if she can get help to reduce debt payments - maybe an IVA or bankruptcy would be better in the long run

Gcsunnyside23 · 19/04/2025 19:41

OhYesYouDid0 · 19/04/2025 17:21

I am also not completely against discussing other ways to help, like paying the fee for a guarantor company. Although admittedly I'm not keen on the idea of taking a chunk of our savings to pay a load of rent upfront.

What's the difference between rent and child maintenance paid? Would she agree you pay it directly to the landlord so there's less risk for the rent and being a guarantor less risky?

carly2803 · 19/04/2025 19:41

absolutely not. I would offer to have the kids full time instead

thestudio · 19/04/2025 19:40

"The cost of a rent guarantor service varies depending on the provider, but typically ranges from the equivalent of 3 to 4 weeks' rent, payable as a one-time annual fee. Some providers also offer payment plans or discounts for students. For a £1,000 monthly rent, a guarantor service might cost around £3,000 to £4,000 annually."

Bearing in mind @TulaOfDarkWater's story, where it is the time to evict the tenant that causes the problem, and which the OP's DH's ex might be forced to replicate if she did get herself into shit, even if she didn't want to - I'd say definitely don't be guarantor.

Your DH covers the guarantor service for the first 18 months, during which time she saves enough to cover the following year, looks for a better job, etc, etc.

That way you've done the right thing by both sets of children (one of yours yet to be born).

CatherineM66 · 19/04/2025 19:40

OhYesYouDid0 · 19/04/2025 16:16

Maintenance isn't count ordered but I feel he pays very fairly considering how often DC are here. He pays approx £650 a month for 2 DC. That was privately agreed some time ago as she is a lower earner than DH. He does also pay for half of everything, clothes, uniform etc.. and pays for phone contracts for both & football clubs. He could potentially look to increase this but it wouldn't be by a substantial amount really.

We could potentially discuss paying a lump sum toward months of rent but again, this takes away a chunk of our joint savings which honestly I'm reluctant to do.

650 per month for two children, if you are both comfortably off, is the bare minimum. It is financially very difficult being a single parent. Your DH should feel that he wants to help.

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