Page 6 | To say no to being a guarantor for SC mum?

OhYesYouDid0 · 2025-04-19T14:54:35+00:00

Wondering what everyone's thoughts are on this. My husband has children with his ex partner. I don't have a problem with his ex, we actually get on pretty well and she's a good mum. But I know she struggles with money and being sensible with it, I'm not judging but it's important context to this situation. She asked recently if DH would meet her for a coffee to discuss something. It turns out she is in a bit of a mess financial and has a large amount of debt. Long story short she is having to leave her current home and downsize but due to poor credit she is having to put down a guarantor on the new property and she has asked that this be DH. She doesn't have much family around other than elderly parents and one brother whom she isn't close to. DH came home to discuss this with me and I'm at a loss. Honestly I want to say no. We are comfortable financially but there are things we have planned for the next few years that are quite money heavy, an extension on our house, perhaps trying for another child (we have one 5 year old together) and I am reluctant to potentially have those plans put more financial strain on us or have to change completely if she were to need DH to help cover the rent. She assures us it won't come to that but really who knows. She lost her job a couple of years ago (redundancy) and has struggled since then on lower paid ones she says, having taking things on credit she really shouldn't have. DH is obviously torn as its his children's home but has said he would not agree to anything if I wasn't fully on board. It's hard, I have absolutely no issue with SC living with us if it helps or being here more often (currently 3 nights per week) but part of me does feel that's where our obligation ends. I am reluctant to put potential strain on my own life, children, finances because of exes money troubles and I want to say no. WWYD?

Blondeshavemorefun · 19/04/2025 23:18

Boredofbeinganadult · 19/04/2025 23:11

I didn’t catch the age of the children

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Op said kids are teens

Boredofbeinganadult · 19/04/2025 23:11

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 19/04/2025 21:55

As l understood it, the children are old enough to decide for themselves.

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I didn’t catch the age of the children

Bogeyes · 19/04/2025 22:29

You will be paid back with excuses and tears

TulaOfDarkWater · 19/04/2025 22:25

Mumofteenandtween · 19/04/2025 20:05

So:-

£36k unpaid rent
£18k landlord’s solicitors fees, court fees etc
£10k+ of your solicitors fees
£Xk of damage that you didn’t have to pay for but the landlord had to swallow but you could have had to pay
£Yk of further solicitors fees that the landlord had to pay but you could have had to pay

Three questions:-

How much would you have had to pay if it had just been a case of your friend having no money? Rather than them being an awful awful person.
Do you think the landlord ran up more bills than necessary? Is that why you only had to pay some?
Is there any way you can get any of the money back? Presumably not if the “friend” has no money but if they won the Euro millions tonight could you?

Sorry - a lot of this is for my own pure interest but I am a mega fan of putting numbers to everything. It makes things so much clearer. Before your post I was a bit on the fence as to what the Op should do. Now I most definitely am not!

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No idea to be honest, if she genuinely had no money then I would have helped her claim UC / housing benefit which would have more than covered her expenses along with her child maintenance (her ExH is a high earner and she gets a very decent amount). Thing is she’s a decent earner herself and affording the house alone wasn’t the issue (she more than met that criteria) the problem was her credit rating (apparently it was low as she doesn’t use credit and prefers to pay in full). That’s part of the reason I stood as guarantor, she showed me her financials and I could see she could easily afford it.
The judge took issue with the contract and its wording but basically decided that the cost of having to evict a tenant is the price of doing business as a landlord so he couldn’t completely put that on me so he had to shoulder some of the cost but she also acknowledged that had I not stood as guarantor, he wouldn’t have rented to my “friend” in first place therefore I was partially liable.
No I don’t believe I can, I basically agreed to pay her rent if she didn’t so that’s that.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 19/04/2025 22:23

Willyoujustbequiet · 19/04/2025 22:04

The op yes.

Her DH no. Nothing in the world should be more important than his children's wellbeing which will clearly be massively affected by being forced apart from their mother.

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Nothing in the world should be as important to the children’s mother as providing them with a stable home with her. Yet she has made bad financial decisions that she knew were risking this. Why is it the fathers job to make up for the mothers failings? Why is it more his responsibility than hers?

JorgyPorgy · 19/04/2025 22:22

Winter2020 · 19/04/2025 17:06

You and your partner could offer 6 months rent upfront but agree with his ex-partner that maintenance payments will be paused until the sum is recouped (i.e. the £650 each month adds up to the sum he has provided). Hopefully this will be affordable for his ex as she will not have rent to pay on a month to month basis - assuming the landlord is happy to be paid monthly after the initial period.

But
Other considerations are: Would his ex be able to claim housing benefit to pay rent? Would paying in advance complicate this?

Keep proof of the money transfer and have it in writing (signed and agreed) that this is maintenance in advance in the unlikely even your partners ex takes an official route for maintenance.

Would your partners ex be better (as suggested by someone already) to go down the homeless route in the hope of eventually getting secure, affordable housing.

Can his ex restructure her debt with the help of a free debt advice company such as stepchange or Christians Against Poverty to stop the issue spiralling over again.

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Good suggestions here

JorgyPorgy · 19/04/2025 22:14

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 19/04/2025 16:35

Yabu- these are HIS children and he has a responsibility to ensure they are housed. If he signs as guarantor it isn't going to affect your money at all. It will only risk affecting what he can contribute for a short time.

The only other option is if the DC come to live with you.

OP said the kids can live with them. He isn’t responsible for his ex

BunnyVV · 19/04/2025 22:13

There’s a lot of people in here who don’t have a clue about what it means to be a guarantor. Or even an adult.
she has got herself into this situation by not being careful with money. She doesn’t need a flash car on HP for example.
i know how you feel. We ended up doing this for my in-laws. It was the worst thing we could’ve done as it made them complacent and they thought they didn’t have to try and improve their terrible money mismanagement as a result.
people mis-manage money for lots of reasons. If they can’t get themselves out of the debt by their own willpower, and have no motivation to do so, then they are using you as the guarantor not because they need it but because they don’t have the inclination to take responsibility.
people who are bad with money often stay bad with money forever. She didn’t use the proceeds of the sale of the marital house to invest - it looks like she just lived off it. This is a tell-tale sign of someone who can’t differentiate between present “easy-life” decisions and future needs that require a bit more sacrifice.
its not your responsibility. If you help you will be helping her for longer than you realise. It will be something else after this. I cannot warn you of this strongly enough.
ask her to approach a debt charity and change her ways.

JorgyPorgy · 19/04/2025 22:09

MeganM3 · 19/04/2025 16:16

This is the mother of his children. In my opinion that means he does have a life long commitment to her, to ensure she is ok. And absolutely while the children are still living with her.
So, while it’s a shame it impacts on you, DH should assist her with this.

I just don’t think it’s right OPs husband should risk his and OPs financial security because his ex can’t manage her finances properly. That doesn’t sound fair to me .

bigfacthunter · 19/04/2025 22:07

Startinganew32 · 19/04/2025 20:03

They are teenagers. Some people will make any excuse for why this woman is so shit with money and try to make out that her ex of 10 years should finance her. If you can’t afford to house yourself and your children then you have to accept that and not beg for handouts.

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Men don’t finance women. Men depend on the free labour provided by women, if anything we finance them. Look up “the motherhood penalty”.

If OPs husband is able to be so comfortable because he has had to make zero sacrifices to his career to care for his children then his ex has effectively supported him to achieve his present comfort level by taking the hit in her own career (and his success if being facilitated by two women if OP shoulders any of his childcare responsibilities while the kids are on “his” time).

Willyoujustbequiet · 19/04/2025 22:04

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 19/04/2025 21:59

None of this would sway me into being a guarantor for someone who had a track record of being financially irresponsible. It’s recipe for disaster and it’s far beyond OP and her DH’s responsibility.

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The op yes.

Her DH no. Nothing in the world should be more important than his children's wellbeing which will clearly be massively affected by being forced apart from their mother.

JorgyPorgy · 19/04/2025 22:00

OhYesYouDid0 · 19/04/2025 16:04

Considering it has potential to impact our finances as a family and our future plans, I disagree he should just do it without considering my opinion. I would not do that to him.

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100% agree with OP here

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 19/04/2025 21:59

Willyoujustbequiet · 19/04/2025 21:17

I have to agree tbh

And I disagree completely that the children can just come to live with you full time. It sounds dismissive of their relationship and time they have with their mum. Why on earth should his children lose a home with their mum if he is in a position to help. It's not a given she will default.

Yes it's a commitment but the children's mental health and happiness should carry as much weight in the decision as potential financial implications. They aren't secondary considerations. They may feel lot of resentment at their forced change of circumstances that could have been avoided.

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None of this would sway me into being a guarantor for someone who had a track record of being financially irresponsible. It’s recipe for disaster and it’s far beyond OP and her DH’s responsibility.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 19/04/2025 21:55

Boredofbeinganadult · 19/04/2025 21:31

I agree, the children shouldn’t be taken from their mum

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As l understood it, the children are old enough to decide for themselves.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 19/04/2025 21:52

HonoriaBulstrode · 19/04/2025 21:03

Many landlords will ask for either six or 12 months rent upfront instead of a guarantor. Most don’t ask for a guarantor after that period expires because the tenant has proved they are reliable, so no need.

How has the tenant proved s/he is reliable? The landlord has no idea whether he or she will pay monthly on time in future.

I’ve been a guarantor twice for close family and never been asked to continue beyond the end of the initial tenancy agreement.

NotInvolved · 19/04/2025 21:52

I'm with you OP. Being a guarantor for your child when they're a student or maybe just starting their first job is one thing, but offering to carry the can for someone who has already got a history of making poor financial decisions is crazy.
My SIL recently asked us to be a guarantor for her and we said no. Like your DH's ex I have no doubt that she was sincere in saying she'd be the perfect tenant and always pay on time and I don't think she would ever deliberately rip us off. But unfortunately she has a long history of terrible financial management and no matter how many times she says she's learned from her mistakes and will change, it just never happens. We have our own bills to pay and children to support and weren't prepared to risk our own financial security. Yes, it did strain relationships at the time, but not anywhere near as much as her actions putting us under financial strain would have done.
I can kind of see where people are coming from saying that your DH has a responsibility to ensure his children are appropriately housed, but it's not going to be in their best interests if their Mum destabilises their Dad's finances and both parents end up in difficulties is it? And that is a realistic possibility if you act as guarantor for someone who isn't financially prudent unfortunately.

Pallisers · 19/04/2025 21:39

I think you should only be a guarantor if you can afford the financial and the emotional hit if it is called in. I had no problem guaranteeing my dd's rent when she was at university because I could afford it and I wouldn't have resented her in the very unlikely event her 4 roommates and their nice parents all defaulted.

I would not sign a guarantee in this situation. Apart from the financial hit, if you end up paying her rent you will be angry and she will be defensive. It will not work out well.

But I would offer some other help - upfront loan of money, pay a fee to a guarantee company, help with a deposit etc. I'd get your dh to sit and ask her how could he help other than the guarantee.

Boredofbeinganadult · 19/04/2025 21:31

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 19/04/2025 16:25

The children shouldn't be removed from their mum imo

This man has a family with his ex and it's his duty to make sure they are housed

I'd say that its on the provision that she sorts her finances though.

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I agree, the children shouldn’t be taken from their mum

SunshineCatcher · 19/04/2025 21:22

I’m genuinely surprised by some of these answers! They have been divorced for over 10 years for goodness sake. He’s paying far more in maintenance than he’d be made to pay through CMS. If the ex lives beyond her means then that isn’t the guys fault. Once they become adults, and that probably isn’t far off, then he won’t even have to pay maintenance anymore. How is she going to afford the rent then? Do not be a guarantor!!!! You sound very nice, but this is the kind of thing that could go terribly wrong. You have your own bills to pay for! You say the kids can be with you as much as they want/ need, so it’s really not like the kids are going to end up on the streets.

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 19/04/2025 21:21

westerdays · 19/04/2025 21:04

I haven't read the whole thread so not sure if this has been suggested already.

Assuming that the rent is more than £650/month and having gained the impression that the mother of your DH's children doesn't necessarily always make the best financial decisions, wouldn't a solution be that DH pays the £650 monthly contribution to supporting his children direct to his ex-partner's landlord.

This way he can then agree to act as guarantor knowing that his exposure to rent arrears is limited as far as possible. The children's mother isn't losing out because paying the monthly rent to keep a roof over the children's head should be her most important financial priority. He can ensure that she prioritises that because the amount he pays is not subject to any court order.

She does however need to start planning for what she's going to do once the children reach 18.

This is actually a really good idea!

Willyoujustbequiet · 19/04/2025 21:17

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 19/04/2025 16:10

Yabu - he is the father of her children and needs to ensure that his family have a roof over their heads

I have to agree tbh

And I disagree completely that the children can just come to live with you full time. It sounds dismissive of their relationship and time they have with their mum. Why on earth should his children lose a home with their mum if he is in a position to help. It's not a given she will default.

Yes it's a commitment but the children's mental health and happiness should carry as much weight in the decision as potential financial implications. They aren't secondary considerations. They may feel lot of resentment at their forced change of circumstances that could have been avoided.

Jinglejanglejangle · 19/04/2025 21:15

The problem is that the ex will never actually take responsibility for herself. She was the one who got into the debt by getting higher purchase agreements on probably unnecessarily flashy cars that she couldn't afford. It is extremely unfortunate for the children but you just can't get yourself on this track or it will never stop regarding her "just" coming to you for "this" or that".

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 19/04/2025 21:09

westerdays · 19/04/2025 21:04

I haven't read the whole thread so not sure if this has been suggested already.

Assuming that the rent is more than £650/month and having gained the impression that the mother of your DH's children doesn't necessarily always make the best financial decisions, wouldn't a solution be that DH pays the £650 monthly contribution to supporting his children direct to his ex-partner's landlord.

This way he can then agree to act as guarantor knowing that his exposure to rent arrears is limited as far as possible. The children's mother isn't losing out because paying the monthly rent to keep a roof over the children's head should be her most important financial priority. He can ensure that she prioritises that because the amount he pays is not subject to any court order.

She does however need to start planning for what she's going to do once the children reach 18.

It wouldn't be limited though.

Even if the rent is an extra £500 on top of that, it could take a year or more to get her out the house, then court fees, bailiff fees, legal representation, any potential damage, it would still run into 10s of thousands and impact his credit, which will impact the op.

TulaOfDarkWater · 19/04/2025 21:08

Nicknacky · 19/04/2025 19:35

@TulaOfDarkWater What happened with your relationship with that person? Were they at least sorry about it?

I’m no contact with her and no she’s not sorry.

I have a life limiting illness and never had children because of that (I’m 38 now and will be lucky to get much beyond 40).

Her attitude is basically:

She has kids to support and I don’t therefore my financial situation doesn’t matter as much as hers.
I don’t have long left anyway so it’s not like I need the money for my “old age” so I should let it go and move on.
It was my choice to be a “mug” and pay it when I should I have paid £1 a week and then let the debt die with me (even though it doesn’t work like that).

Fioratourer · 19/04/2025 21:05

I would be tempted to pay the child maintence straight to the letting agent and then she pays the rest but on the same date. That way she hopefully is more organised. Could you both help her with budgeting. I think in your dh’s position he needs to say yes so his children are housed. If she ends up in emergency housing life will be a lot harder for the children.