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Original poster

To say no to being a guarantor for SC mum?

483 replies

OhYesYouDid0 · 19/04/2025 15:54

Wondering what everyone's thoughts are on this.

My husband has children with his ex partner. I don't have a problem with his ex, we actually get on pretty well and she's a good mum. But I know she struggles with money and being sensible with it, I'm not judging but it's important context to this situation.

She asked recently if DH would meet her for a coffee to discuss something. It turns out she is in a bit of a mess financial and has a large amount of debt. Long story short she is having to leave her current home and downsize but due to poor credit she is having to put down a guarantor on the new property and she has asked that this be DH. She doesn't have much family around other than elderly parents and one brother whom she isn't close to.

DH came home to discuss this with me and I'm at a loss. Honestly I want to say no. We are comfortable financially but there are things we have planned for the next few years that are quite money heavy, an extension on our house, perhaps trying for another child (we have one 5 year old together) and I am reluctant to potentially have those plans put more financial strain on us or have to change completely if she were to need DH to help cover the rent. She assures us it won't come to that but really who knows. She lost her job a couple of years ago (redundancy) and has struggled since then on lower paid ones she says, having taking things on credit she really shouldn't have.

DH is obviously torn as its his children's home but has said he would not agree to anything if I wasn't fully on board.

It's hard, I have absolutely no issue with SC living with us if it helps or being here more often (currently 3 nights per week) but part of me does feel that's where our obligation ends. I am reluctant to put potential strain on my own life, children, finances because of exes money troubles and I want to say no.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
OhYesYouDid0 · 20/04/2025 08:29

autisticbookworm · 20/04/2025 08:26

I wouldn’t do it for my ex who is terrible with money and frequently lives beyond his means. But I feel sorry for her and if your dp trusts her he should do it for his kids.

So.. you wouldn't do it but we should?

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/04/2025 08:29

Very sensible of you, @OhYesYouDid0, but do bee prepared for the ost appalling emotional blackmail when the mum's told of a decision she's really not going to like

As just mentioned it seems unlikely she'll want to take any responsibility for what's happened, so there could be unpleasantness ahead

autisticbookworm · 20/04/2025 08:26

I wouldn’t do it for my ex who is terrible with money and frequently lives beyond his means. But I feel sorry for her and if your dp trusts her he should do it for his kids.

Original poster
OhYesYouDid0 · 20/04/2025 08:22

We also have our own child to consider as well. Anything could happen and their stability and home is just as important as anyone else's.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhYesYouDid0 · 20/04/2025 08:20

Iizzyb · 20/04/2025 07:52

Absolutely not op. If this goes wrong you may lose the option to have a second child or your home extension. Put bluntly, how is that right? X

Thanks, after some thought I agree, I can't do it.

We had a big long talk last night and fortunately DH is in agreement and will be saying no to her. We will suggest some of the other things mentioned here but we won't be signing anything.

I feel like over the years I have made a lot of sacrifices in the name of being a good step mum or because I chose a man with older DC but asking me to potentially lose out on things like having a second child or things ive worked and saved hard for is too much. We both work really hard and are always so careful financially, we cannot risk that in good conscience.

Thanks for everyone's opinions.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/04/2025 08:18

Why is it that D P is in a position where they could not only afford child-support and covering the rent if necessary and Mum doesn’t have the money for a new car and to make ends meet during the cost of living crisis?

Perhaps OP/DP simply made better choices?

IME a frequent problem with the financially imcompetent is that it's always "someone else's fault", and if that someone's perceived to be able to afford it they'll be leaned on constantly

There comes a point where, provided the DCs can be cared for, it's time to say no - and if the mum has hurt feelz because of her DCs staying with their father instead maybe it's time for her to sort hersself out

Iizzyb · 20/04/2025 07:52

Absolutely not op. If this goes wrong you may lose the option to have a second child or your home extension. Put bluntly, how is that right? X

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 20/04/2025 07:47

Blueblell · 20/04/2025 07:40

I think he needs to do this to enable her to have a home for his kids. Lots of people need guarantors unfortunately. It would be awful for his kids to have to move in with you full time and see their mum in a flat share. I understand your concerns but I would bet she will pay the rent first before any other commitments because the risk of not doing so is too great.

Cos she has shown such financially sensible decision making so far!

Fullofquestions1 · 20/04/2025 07:47

@Blueblell but she openly admits she has made bad decisions with credit why will this be different.

Blueblell · 20/04/2025 07:40

I think he needs to do this to enable her to have a home for his kids. Lots of people need guarantors unfortunately. It would be awful for his kids to have to move in with you full time and see their mum in a flat share. I understand your concerns but I would bet she will pay the rent first before any other commitments because the risk of not doing so is too great.

Fullofquestions1 · 20/04/2025 07:38

Absolutely not, far too big risk to do for anyone.

those saying he has responsibility to the ex partner she is a grown up she needs to take the responsibility for herself. I actually can’t believe people think you should do this.

Bernadinetta · 20/04/2025 07:35

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/04/2025 06:49

I'm not sure how he'd explain this to his kids. Your mum can't get a home because I'm protecting the chance of making my home even bigger.

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That’s not why Mum can’t get a home though, is it?

BlondiePortz · 20/04/2025 07:28

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/04/2025 06:49

I'm not sure how he'd explain this to his kids. Your mum can't get a home because I'm protecting the chance of making my home even bigger.

Show quote history

The op and her partner are not responsible for the ex being in financial trouble

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/04/2025 07:24

Ok so I think she shouldn't move out of her current home without the next one secured, which she can't without a guarantor it seems .
This is not an emergency as she isn't homeless yet. She should first try to sort out debt support see if any can be written off or the monthly payback reduced.
See if universal credit will help pay her rent - it should if she is on a low income without savings which it sounds like she is.
If she has a spare room, then ask permission from landlord to take in a lodger or foreign language student to help pay the current rent.

What is the difference between the rent she's paying now and the rent on the desired now properly? If it's say £800, how can you help her to help herself to earn or cut costs to make up £800 a month? Possibly having the kids more (although they're teens)
She also needs to get income protection insurance /life insurance.

Cyclingandrunning · 20/04/2025 07:22

The last thing you need is to be responsible for other people's debts. I know she is struggling and you want to help but this commitment to pay if she can't (which is likely considering her past history) is too much.

At the moment, she just thinks it's just an extra signature on her rental agreement and it's no big deal.

8 months of not being able to pay rent and you owing 50k in lost rent and solicitors fees - your relationship with her will be completely destroyed which is a disaster for the children.

I think you need to sit down with her and have a caring conversation about how you can help but the guarantor request is too big an ask.

ginislife · 20/04/2025 06:58

Instead of paying her maintenance can he pay it direct to the landlord ?

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 20/04/2025 06:57

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/04/2025 06:49

I'm not sure how he'd explain this to his kids. Your mum can't get a home because I'm protecting the chance of making my home even bigger.

Show quote history

And how is the mum going to explain the fact that she has got herself into massive debt and caused them to be homeless when with her?

It is not his responsibility to house her. He pays way over cms and as long as he has done this via traceable means ie standing orders and not in cash then cms will see that and would not pursue a claim.

The split well over 10 years ago and op and her dh have been married for 10 years. He has obligations to his kids which he is more than meeting.

The ex has got herself into this mess and I say that as someone who was a single parent for years with an ex who earns more than double what I earn.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/04/2025 06:50

@Winter2020 the maintenance in advance letter wouldn't work. Anything above the child maintenance monthly amount is considered a gift to the child maintenance service. If she registered with them he'd have to pay from the day she signs up

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/04/2025 06:49

LadyMargaretPoledancer · 19/04/2025 17:04

@OhYesYouDid0

I think if you do this it could irreparably damage the co-parenting relationship going forward when it goes wrong. It could cast a long bitter shadow if you end up footing the bill and the legal fees.

I think it was unfair of her to ask him as it's not his decision alone. It's put you both in a difficult position.

I'd be saying no and whilst it may cause short term issues it will protect the co-parenting relationship long term.

To let her down gently and close the door on the subject, I'd go back with the line that you will be unable to proceed with your loan if you are a guarantor and this has been confirmed by your bank after you've checked, so the answer needs to be no.

Clear and concise but let her know as soon as possible so she can look for an alternative solution.

I'm not sure how he'd explain this to his kids. Your mum can't get a home because I'm protecting the chance of making my home even bigger.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/04/2025 06:45

You also need to consider the possibility she'll go into social housing further away and take the kids further and they'd move schools etc

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/04/2025 06:38

This could also impact you remortgaging if you need to do that to do your renovations,

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/04/2025 06:36

MeganM3 · 19/04/2025 16:16

This is the mother of his children. In my opinion that means he does have a life long commitment to her, to ensure she is ok. And absolutely while the children are still living with her.
So, while it’s a shame it impacts on you, DH should assist her with this.

I dated a guy who was doing this for his ex who wasn't from the uk and didn't have much warning power here, he felt responsible as he'd brought her here and didn't want her to leave the country with their kids either. I liked and respected this about him but it was off putting as I felt like I'd never be the proper partner she would always come first like another child to be looked after forever.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/04/2025 06:35

OhYesYouDid0 · 19/04/2025 16:16

Maintenance isn't count ordered but I feel he pays very fairly considering how often DC are here. He pays approx £650 a month for 2 DC. That was privately agreed some time ago as she is a lower earner than DH. He does also pay for half of everything, clothes, uniform etc.. and pays for phone contracts for both & football clubs. He could potentially look to increase this but it wouldn't be by a substantial amount really.

We could potentially discuss paying a lump sum toward months of rent but again, this takes away a chunk of our joint savings which honestly I'm reluctant to do.

I would only consider the lump sum as a loan on the condition she'll be paying you back each month instead of her landlord (if she's reliant on universal credit that might not be allowed though)
I think he pays decent maintenance (unless he earns above 100k then he should pay more)
He could tell her if she ever defaults on rent then he won't pay the child maintenance that month (but send kids food etc directly instead) but there's nothing then stopping her immediately signing up to child maintenance service.

nowindofblame · 20/04/2025 00:25

I'm not surprised after years on MN. It's all about perspective. Here's the reality:

The posters who believe the OP&DH should pay/be guarantors say so because they themselves would want to be paid/supported and think that they somehow deserve it no matter what.

The posters who say the OP&DH should not do this are looking at it from the angle of actually being the person on the hook and paying out their hard earned money for an Ex's financial mistakes.

In this situation being guarantors for the DM has the potential to sink both sides of the family. If the concern is really for the DC, then the smartest thing to do is make sure that one side remains financially secure, so there will always be a home available for the DC.

Lending a bit of a helping hand for the DM is nice if possible, but not in any way that risks the security of the OP&DH. They already pay above what is required based on them having almost 50/50, so they are in no way obligated to do more.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 20/04/2025 00:00

Willyoujustbequiet · 19/04/2025 22:04

The op yes.

Her DH no. Nothing in the world should be more important than his children's wellbeing which will clearly be massively affected by being forced apart from their mother.

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So why does that not equally apply to their mother ? Spending recklessly and risking the roof over their heads and then expecting to be bailed out by her ex of ten years isn’t ensuring their well-being is it ? I agree it’s just as much his responsibility to make sure his children are properly housed, which he can do by moving them in with him and OP. He has absolutely no moral obligation to bail out their mother from debt she knowingly got herself into.