Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to being a guarantor for SC mum?

483 replies

OhYesYouDid0 · 19/04/2025 15:54

Wondering what everyone's thoughts are on this.

My husband has children with his ex partner. I don't have a problem with his ex, we actually get on pretty well and she's a good mum. But I know she struggles with money and being sensible with it, I'm not judging but it's important context to this situation.

She asked recently if DH would meet her for a coffee to discuss something. It turns out she is in a bit of a mess financial and has a large amount of debt. Long story short she is having to leave her current home and downsize but due to poor credit she is having to put down a guarantor on the new property and she has asked that this be DH. She doesn't have much family around other than elderly parents and one brother whom she isn't close to.

DH came home to discuss this with me and I'm at a loss. Honestly I want to say no. We are comfortable financially but there are things we have planned for the next few years that are quite money heavy, an extension on our house, perhaps trying for another child (we have one 5 year old together) and I am reluctant to potentially have those plans put more financial strain on us or have to change completely if she were to need DH to help cover the rent. She assures us it won't come to that but really who knows. She lost her job a couple of years ago (redundancy) and has struggled since then on lower paid ones she says, having taking things on credit she really shouldn't have.

DH is obviously torn as its his children's home but has said he would not agree to anything if I wasn't fully on board.

It's hard, I have absolutely no issue with SC living with us if it helps or being here more often (currently 3 nights per week) but part of me does feel that's where our obligation ends. I am reluctant to put potential strain on my own life, children, finances because of exes money troubles and I want to say no.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
OhYesYouDid0 · 19/04/2025 16:22

I think this is also a big concern for me. If she was just struggling on a min wage job then perhaps I'd feel differently but there is already debt from unaffordable credit (which to her credit she has been completely honest about) which makes me question how sensible she is with money.

OP posts:
Bluevelvetsofa · 19/04/2025 16:21

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 19/04/2025 16:10

Yabu - he is the father of her children and needs to ensure that his family have a roof over their heads

But OP and the children’s father would have them at their house, so they would have a roof over their heads.

Eviebeans · 19/04/2025 16:20

I believe that if you act as a guarantor it is really difficult to stop i.e it’s not for a set period of time and landlord/rental agent would be reluctant to let you stop after say six months

Createausername1970 · 19/04/2025 16:18

No, no, no and thrice more No!

She is already in debt! It's quite possible she will end up in debt again.

IF you do, and it's better you don't, but IF you do, then arrange for all the invoices, monthly statements etc , to be sent to you as well as her, so you can see immediately if a payment is missed. The problem with being a guarantor is that you often don't get contacted until the Landlord has no other option, and by that time you could be looking at 6 months + of unpaid rent.

nadine90 · 19/04/2025 16:18

That’s a really difficult position to be in. I would feel for her as I think most rental properties these days require a guarantor, I know I’ve always needed one but thankfully my dad is happy to be mine.
I think some councils/local housing teams have schemes where they can help people with this to offset the strain on social housing. I would have a look into that and see if there’s anything that could help locally. Citizens Advice would be a good place to start.
But you’re definitely right to be cautious and not put your own finances at risk.

FlowerFairy12 · 19/04/2025 16:17

NO NO NO 🚩 🚩 🚩 Look at it this way, the landlord doesn’t think she’s a good bet regarding paying her rent so is passing on the risk to you. This could end up extremely messy and costly if/when she doesn’t pay.

shuffleofftobuffalo · 19/04/2025 16:16

I’ll never guarantor anything for anyone. Does your DH realise that it means you’re signing up to pay her rent? Can he actually afford that or would it rely on your income as well?

MeganM3 · 19/04/2025 16:16

This is the mother of his children. In my opinion that means he does have a life long commitment to her, to ensure she is ok. And absolutely while the children are still living with her.
So, while it’s a shame it impacts on you, DH should assist her with this.

Original poster
OhYesYouDid0 · 19/04/2025 16:16

Maintenance isn't count ordered but I feel he pays very fairly considering how often DC are here. He pays approx £650 a month for 2 DC. That was privately agreed some time ago as she is a lower earner than DH. He does also pay for half of everything, clothes, uniform etc.. and pays for phone contracts for both & football clubs. He could potentially look to increase this but it wouldn't be by a substantial amount really.

We could potentially discuss paying a lump sum toward months of rent but again, this takes away a chunk of our joint savings which honestly I'm reluctant to do.

OP posts:
MrsKateColumbo · 19/04/2025 16:14

Fuck no
You would be insane to agree to this

HenDoNot · 19/04/2025 16:13

Absolute no from me.

She can use one of those Rent Guarantee companies.

oncemoreuntothebeachdearfriends · 19/04/2025 16:13

She's irresponsible. You'll be the losers.

Secretsquirels · 19/04/2025 16:13

Pinkfluffypencilcase · 19/04/2025 16:00

What about paying 6 months up front? I know of others who have done this and then guarantor wasn’t required. Less risky too.

The sc will feel happier too

This is a really good suggestion, and is the way I would go.

She’ll have her deposit back from current place plus must have saved a deposit and first month for the new place.

So, if you could afford to lend her a couple of months worth of rent it would massively reduce the risk whilst still being really supportive.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 19/04/2025 16:10

Yabu - he is the father of her children and needs to ensure that his family have a roof over their heads

TidalShore · 19/04/2025 16:08

I'm not sure on costs, but could you offer to pay/contribute to the fees for a rent guarantor company instead? At least that would be a fixed fee not a potential bottomless pit?

Trallers · 19/04/2025 16:08

The trouble is if she actually found herself in dire circumstances you could be paying for many many months while she refused to move out. You'd need to be able to comfortably afford the rent every month to consider it. I'd be more happy to help her raise 6 months upfront and have her pay back over 18months as at least it's a limited amount rather than the neverending potential for a guarantor. But no requirement to do that either.

Burntt · 19/04/2025 16:08

Does he pay maintenance? who buys the school uniforms and books the dentist etc? That would influence my opinion on if he should help. Although help absolutely should not be in the form of guarantor!!

I think the pp idea of 6 months rent up front is a good idea. He could also write a declaration for her to use as proof of the maintenance as reliable income. I actually asked my ex to co sign a loan for me when my car died and I needed a new one, he wasn’t comfortable with that but gave me 3 months maintenance in one go the paid half maintenance for 6 months. He wasn’t vulnerable financially and our son didn’t suffer from being unable to get to where he needed to be

Original poster
OhYesYouDid0 · 19/04/2025 16:08

lnks · 19/04/2025 16:04

If she didn’t pay her rent, would it come from your DH’s own money? I think he would be a fool btw, but if it came from his own money, and wouldn’t impact household finances, then it is entirely his decision.

Show quote history

We don't tend to have that much separated really. How we set up finances right now, if he had to pay the whole lot, there isn't a way it wouldn't impact at all how much we jointly contribute to savings for the things we have planned for the house etc.. at least. Don't get me wrong we could still afford to live and cover bills but there would be some impact to the plans we have for the next couple of years.

OP posts:
Boatsandtrains · 19/04/2025 16:05

This is a difficult position to be in. I think it’s too much to ask of you, the potential liability is huge. But I’m assuming you all have a shared goal of the children being well looked after, time with both parents, suitable accommodation etc, so it’s not unreasonable that you might want to help in some way.

Is there anything else you could do/would be happier to do that wouldn’t be such a risk? Give a couple of months rent up front? Increase maintenance or have the children 50/50 so she can work more? Or take over a child related bill for a set amount of time to take some pressure off? These would all be kind things to do for the benefit of the children, but you know her best and it could be that you do something to help but she carries on building up debt anyway then you feel resentful.

Original poster
OhYesYouDid0 · 19/04/2025 16:04

CopperWhite · 19/04/2025 15:59

She’s not asking you, she’s asking her children’s father. If he’s inclined to do it then he should.

Although I think if he does say no, it is only right that he offers to provide the children with a full time home.

Considering it has potential to impact our finances as a family and our future plans, I disagree he should just do it without considering my opinion. I would not do that to him.

OP posts:
lnks · 19/04/2025 16:04

OhYesYouDid0 · 19/04/2025 16:00

A bit of both, joint for bills & savings, holidays etc.. and some separate as well

Show quote history

If she didn’t pay her rent, would it come from your DH’s own money? I think he would be a fool btw, but if it came from his own money, and wouldn’t impact household finances, then it is entirely his decision.

Original poster
OhYesYouDid0 · 19/04/2025 16:03

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 19/04/2025 15:57

I absolutely wouldn't be doing this at all.

I would offer to have SC full time though so she can get a flatshare or something.

Absolutely. It's their home and they can be here as much as they need or want to be, that absolutely is no question. I feel like this is where DHs obligation ends though personally.

It's not that I even think she'd deliberately not pay. I genuinely don't. She's a nice woman and a good mother and I imagine this is a horrible situation for her. But as said, simply put I just don't want (in the worst case scenario) it affecting our life, finances, plans for the future. I do not believe that is a fair request.

OP posts:
IReallyLoveItHere · 19/04/2025 16:03

God no, never.

What happens without a guarantor? Is it just a smaller but still suitable home?

Even if they end up in a small place the DC are with you often so it's not full time.

Are you able and willing to increase child maintenance payments? She should be able to use those as an addition to her income and possibly just a small amount might change what she can afford. I do feel for her, rent is extortionate atm.

At the end of the day you will make sure the DC are OK, that is as far as your responsibility goes.

InterIgnis · 19/04/2025 16:02

CopperWhite · 19/04/2025 15:59

She’s not asking you, she’s asking her children’s father. If he’s inclined to do it then he should.

Although I think if he does say no, it is only right that he offers to provide the children with a full time home.

If his financial decisions didn’t have the potential to massively impact her, then sure.

OP, I think you’d be crazy to agree.

Pinkfluffypencilcase · 19/04/2025 16:00

What about paying 6 months up front? I know of others who have done this and then guarantor wasn’t required. Less risky too.

The sc will feel happier too