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Original poster

To say no to being a guarantor for SC mum?

483 replies

OhYesYouDid0 · 19/04/2025 15:54

Wondering what everyone's thoughts are on this.

My husband has children with his ex partner. I don't have a problem with his ex, we actually get on pretty well and she's a good mum. But I know she struggles with money and being sensible with it, I'm not judging but it's important context to this situation.

She asked recently if DH would meet her for a coffee to discuss something. It turns out she is in a bit of a mess financial and has a large amount of debt. Long story short she is having to leave her current home and downsize but due to poor credit she is having to put down a guarantor on the new property and she has asked that this be DH. She doesn't have much family around other than elderly parents and one brother whom she isn't close to.

DH came home to discuss this with me and I'm at a loss. Honestly I want to say no. We are comfortable financially but there are things we have planned for the next few years that are quite money heavy, an extension on our house, perhaps trying for another child (we have one 5 year old together) and I am reluctant to potentially have those plans put more financial strain on us or have to change completely if she were to need DH to help cover the rent. She assures us it won't come to that but really who knows. She lost her job a couple of years ago (redundancy) and has struggled since then on lower paid ones she says, having taking things on credit she really shouldn't have.

DH is obviously torn as its his children's home but has said he would not agree to anything if I wasn't fully on board.

It's hard, I have absolutely no issue with SC living with us if it helps or being here more often (currently 3 nights per week) but part of me does feel that's where our obligation ends. I am reluctant to put potential strain on my own life, children, finances because of exes money troubles and I want to say no.

WWYD?

OP posts:
AngelicKaty · 19/04/2025 18:12

Snapncrackle · 19/04/2025 18:01

also why do you think they want a guarantor with a house / homeowner

it’s because as a homeowner the last thing you want is a ccj
and you have an asset

just say no and make sure your DH doesn’t do it sneakily

I don't think the ex is a homeowner. OP said her DH moved into a bedsit when he and his ex split up, leaving her in the family home until it was sold. It sounds like the ex has been renting ever since.

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 19/04/2025 18:12

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 19/04/2025 18:07

No, I'd be saying the same actually

I'd be saying he has the kids loads, he's a good dad who has struggled, the kind thing to do is act as a guarantor on the proviso that he sorts himself out

Show quote history

And how the hell would this provisio be enforced?

The words are meaningless, she could agree to it then anything could happen.

The only enforceable thing in that situation would be the rental company enforcing the guarantor contract.

Would you really get yourself into 10s of thousands of debt for an ex in the name of kindness?

Glowingwords · 19/04/2025 18:11

No I wouldn't. She could get ill and you'd be liable for her rent. If she's really in trouble, maybe housing would help with a homelessness prevention strategy?

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 19/04/2025 18:10

Whaleandsnail6 · 19/04/2025 17:59

Life is tough I agree... So tough that the husband lived in a bedsit when they first split up so ex and the children could remain in the family home until it sold.

He takes responsibility for his children and sounds like a very decent bloke.

Its unfair to put the responsibility of guarantor onto him and his wife. Its puts them at risk, no matter what intentions the ex wife has of paying. Things happen and they could be liable for a huge bill that isn't their responsibility.

Show quote history

This was all said after the op

But I still say the same - I'd help her if I was him, as she is the mother of his kids - he will always be tied to her and it's unnecessary to leave her scrambling to find somewhere to live when he can solve thr situation by acting as a guarantor

The poor woman has messed up but doesn't sound like a bad mum to his kids. He should help her

AxolotlEars · 19/04/2025 18:09

Can you afford to lose the money?

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 19/04/2025 18:09

I think you’ve been put in a really unfair position here. She needs to find someone else to ask, perhaps someone from her own family.

Pinkfluffypencilcase · 19/04/2025 18:08

Centre the dc.

Unless they have a poor dynamic they’re unlikely to want to see their mum in a flat share.

tbh it doesn’t sound like she’s been reckless. Car finance plus col crisis and not being able to find an equivalent job sounds like bad luck.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 19/04/2025 18:07

Angrygirl · 19/04/2025 18:02

If it was the other way around and a woman came on here asking if she should be the guarantor of her exDP who had been made redundant and run up loads of debts, people would be calling the bloke a waste of space. No way would they be saying the woman should do it for the sake of the children.

Just because the ex is female and a mother doesn’t mean she gets a free pass on running up loads of debts.

Show quote history

No, I'd be saying the same actually

I'd be saying he has the kids loads, he's a good dad who has struggled, the kind thing to do is act as a guarantor on the proviso that he sorts himself out

AngelicKaty · 19/04/2025 18:06

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 19/04/2025 17:45

She doesn't have people that she can rely on. She did have her kids father

He has a duty to ensure that the mother of his children isn't homeless, of course he does

Poor woman, life is tough, it can't have been easy to ask her ex and his new wife

Show quote history

She did have her kids' father, but their split was mutual and amicable and happened years ago. To suggest he has a "duty" to support her forever is simply ridiculous. He's paying £650pm child maintenance and half of the rest of his DC's expenses and having them stay with him and OP three nights pw (and would be happy to have them more often if his ex wanted this). His ex is an adult and it's her responsibility to manage her finances sensibly - which she plainly doesn't - to keep a roof over her and her DCs head.

pinkyredrose · 19/04/2025 18:06

Why is he paying so much maintenance when they're with you nearly 50٪? Maybe he could be a guarantor but say if she defaults then he'll use the maintenance for the rent money.

That way she gets the house and an incentive to keep paying the rent.

Angrygirl · 19/04/2025 18:02

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 19/04/2025 16:48

She can't as she has no family

She had one, but is now separated. He should be willing to do this for her, as she has fallen on hard times and is the mother of his kids

Taking the kids away from her isn't the right thing to do here

Show quote history

If it was the other way around and a woman came on here asking if she should be the guarantor of her exDP who had been made redundant and run up loads of debts, people would be calling the bloke a waste of space. No way would they be saying the woman should do it for the sake of the children.

Just because the ex is female and a mother doesn’t mean she gets a free pass on running up loads of debts.

Snapncrackle · 19/04/2025 18:01

also why do you think they want a guarantor with a house / homeowner

it’s because as a homeowner the last thing you want is a ccj
and you have an asset

just say no and make sure your DH doesn’t do it sneakily

Whaleandsnail6 · 19/04/2025 17:59

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 19/04/2025 17:45

She doesn't have people that she can rely on. She did have her kids father

He has a duty to ensure that the mother of his children isn't homeless, of course he does

Poor woman, life is tough, it can't have been easy to ask her ex and his new wife

Show quote history

Life is tough I agree... So tough that the husband lived in a bedsit when they first split up so ex and the children could remain in the family home until it sold.

He takes responsibility for his children and sounds like a very decent bloke.

Its unfair to put the responsibility of guarantor onto him and his wife. Its puts them at risk, no matter what intentions the ex wife has of paying. Things happen and they could be liable for a huge bill that isn't their responsibility.

Futurehappiness · 19/04/2025 17:58

Definition of a guarantor: a fool with a pen.

Don't do it.

Mumofteenandtween · 19/04/2025 17:56

TulaOfDarkWater · 19/04/2025 17:34

DO NOT DO IT

I was guarantor on a 3 bedroom house for a “friend” who had just separated from her husband, altogether it cost me £54,248.14 including legal fees which is also recoverable from the guarantor by the way, not just the rent.

I repeat, DO NOT DO IT!

Edited

Bloody hell! That is terrifying.

Could you detail how the £54k built up? I think it might be quite illuminating. In my head I was thinking how much could be at risk and came up with £20k and thought that Inwas being prudent!

Bluevelvetsofa · 19/04/2025 17:56

@Staceysmum2025 OP has said that her DH moved into a bedsit after the split, whilst the ex stayed in the house with the children, until the house was sold and they both rented.

The ex has taken on too much credit and is now in debt.

I think, given what the majority of posters have said, particularly with those who have knowledge of the system, it would be foolhardy to be a guarantor and to put at risk the security of OP, her DH and child.

If they get into financial difficulties because of being a guarantor for the ex, that will be three adults and three children in difficulties.

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 19/04/2025 17:50

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 19/04/2025 17:45

She doesn't have people that she can rely on. She did have her kids father

He has a duty to ensure that the mother of his children isn't homeless, of course he does

Poor woman, life is tough, it can't have been easy to ask her ex and his new wife

Show quote history

He has precisely no duty at all to her.

His duty is to his kids, who will be fine.

Not only do you not understand what a guarantor is, you clearly don't understand what an ex is either.

afig · 19/04/2025 17:50

I wouldn't. There's no telling how much it could end up costing. Regardless of whether the money would be coming from OP's husband's private account or a joint account, it's still family money, and his 'family' does not include his ex-wife. His kids, yes, but not his former spouse.

There has to be another option. It may not be the one she'd prefer, but that's life.

PatsFruitCake · 19/04/2025 17:49

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 19/04/2025 17:45

She doesn't have people that she can rely on. She did have her kids father

He has a duty to ensure that the mother of his children isn't homeless, of course he does

Poor woman, life is tough, it can't have been easy to ask her ex and his new wife

Show quote history

This is nonsense. She's an independent adult who's been divorced for at least 10 years. She's fucked up. It's not up to her ex to sort her finances out for her.

If the tables were turned and it was the kid's Dad in this situation no-one would be saying his ex wife should be a guarantor.

AngelicKaty · 19/04/2025 17:46

BumbleBeegu · 19/04/2025 17:14

Hard no from me! My brother once asked me to act as guarantor and much as I love him, I said no. At the time I was a single mum of two, had no savings myself and was living ‘month to month’. He had (wrongly!) assumed that as a teacher I’d be ‘loaded’ 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️ I wish!

Have to be honest and say that my refusal did put a strain on our relationship, but I couldn’t say yes…I literally would not have been able to bail him out!

In the end he asked our grandad, and 18 months later he had defaulted, as he lost both his job and his wife! My poor grandad ended up having to pay thousands of pounds.

I would NEVER act as guarantor for anyone!! It’s way too risky.

Exactly this, well said. Your refusal may have put a strain on your sibling relationship, but I advised two separate clients who foolishly agreed to be guarantors for family members who defaulted on their rent and it put more than a strain on their relationships - they no longer had these relationships!

Muffinmam · 19/04/2025 17:46

SociableAtWork · 19/04/2025 16:57

Maybe her ex - your husband - could increase the amount of maintenance he pays which would ultimately benefit his children. If she is struggling for money whilst he is not, he’s not paying enough maintenance. She’ll be prioritising housing and feeding their children.

If he can afford an to save for extension and another child with his second wife, he can afford to support the mother of his original family better. She probably took a backseat with her career to support his by looking after their children, or she’d be in better paid employment now, like he is.

Think carefully before saying no. You might be in her shoes soon as well. Saying yes won’t be the end of the world; she’s unlikely to get to the point of non-payment that a guarantor would have to stump
up the money - it doesn’t happen instantly and might not happen at all.

You are very kind to say this.

It may be that the ex has been spending money frivolously…. But it’s concerning she’s renting while her ex husband owns his own home.

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 19/04/2025 17:46

I have an ok relationship with my dsc mum from my previous relationship. There is no way in he'll I would have sacrificed our home to gmbe guarantor for her. The kids need 1 stable family unit!

I agree with your proposal to have the kids more, help pay a guarantor company fee etc but do not risk your own financial stability.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 19/04/2025 17:45

AngelicKaty · 19/04/2025 17:22

The ex does have family; elderly parents and one brother, as OP wrote in her original post.
OP's DH may feel obliged to do more for his DC, but he certainly isn't obliged to do anything for his ex - she's an adult who has 50% responsibility to keep a roof over her DC's heads.
"Taking" the DC away from her certainly isn't the right thing to do, but offering to have them more than the 3 nights they currently do is a perfectly reasonable offer to make if the ex agrees it would help with her finances.

Show quote history

She doesn't have people that she can rely on. She did have her kids father

He has a duty to ensure that the mother of his children isn't homeless, of course he does

Poor woman, life is tough, it can't have been easy to ask her ex and his new wife

PruthePrune · 19/04/2025 17:41

Never ever be a guarantor for anyone, no matter who they are.

Tigerlilian · 19/04/2025 17:38

I would never be a guarantor except for our dc’s student rental.
By the time a guarantor is called upon there could already be interest, legal costs etc added to the debt meaning you are liable for more than anticipated.

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