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Original poster

To say no to being a guarantor for SC mum?

483 replies

OhYesYouDid0 · 19/04/2025 15:54

Wondering what everyone's thoughts are on this.

My husband has children with his ex partner. I don't have a problem with his ex, we actually get on pretty well and she's a good mum. But I know she struggles with money and being sensible with it, I'm not judging but it's important context to this situation.

She asked recently if DH would meet her for a coffee to discuss something. It turns out she is in a bit of a mess financial and has a large amount of debt. Long story short she is having to leave her current home and downsize but due to poor credit she is having to put down a guarantor on the new property and she has asked that this be DH. She doesn't have much family around other than elderly parents and one brother whom she isn't close to.

DH came home to discuss this with me and I'm at a loss. Honestly I want to say no. We are comfortable financially but there are things we have planned for the next few years that are quite money heavy, an extension on our house, perhaps trying for another child (we have one 5 year old together) and I am reluctant to potentially have those plans put more financial strain on us or have to change completely if she were to need DH to help cover the rent. She assures us it won't come to that but really who knows. She lost her job a couple of years ago (redundancy) and has struggled since then on lower paid ones she says, having taking things on credit she really shouldn't have.

DH is obviously torn as its his children's home but has said he would not agree to anything if I wasn't fully on board.

It's hard, I have absolutely no issue with SC living with us if it helps or being here more often (currently 3 nights per week) but part of me does feel that's where our obligation ends. I am reluctant to put potential strain on my own life, children, finances because of exes money troubles and I want to say no.

WWYD?

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
BreakingGood48 · 24/04/2025 21:13

Angrygirl · 19/04/2025 18:02

If it was the other way around and a woman came on here asking if she should be the guarantor of her exDP who had been made redundant and run up loads of debts, people would be calling the bloke a waste of space. No way would they be saying the woman should do it for the sake of the children.

Just because the ex is female and a mother doesn’t mean she gets a free pass on running up loads of debts.

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I know, some absolutely shocking responses on here. A man would have absolutely been ripped to pieces but since it's a woman the OP should risk her house and the financial security of both her child and DSC (since she lives there nearly half the time) to be a guarantor.

BreakingGood48 · 24/04/2025 20:57

Exact same thing happened to us and we ended up saying no to DSD Mum. We did say DSD could live with us full time and then her Mum found somebody else to be guarantor.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 24/04/2025 20:55

How did she take it?

Poppins21 · 24/04/2025 20:22

100% the right decision

Idontjetwashthefucker · 24/04/2025 20:21

Good decision OP, let's hope she drops the idea now

MellowPinkDeer · 24/04/2025 20:20

Well done @OhYesYouDid0

Helen1625 · 24/04/2025 20:19

Thanks for the update. I think you've made absolutely the right decision.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 24/04/2025 20:15

FWIW I think you're doing exactly the right thing OP, though the mum will doubtless call you everything from a pig to a dog for it

I especially admire the signposting you've come up with, in that it encourages self help, but again I'd be surprised if it's welcomed

Well done for handling it all so rationally though

CaptainFuture · 24/04/2025 20:08

Right decision @OhYesYouDid0
It would only bring you stress and difficulty, and if she strops, sulks or has an issue with not being given your money, proves you did right thing.

Jinglejanglejangle · 24/04/2025 20:07

Absolutely the right decision

Original poster
OhYesYouDid0 · 24/04/2025 20:03

Sorry not caught up with new posts yet but just wanted to update a little.

We have decided together after much discussion that we will not be signing as a guarantor nor will we be offering any sum of money either to pay off debt or pay rent upfront.

We have done some searching and have signposted to some relevant help and have also said again that if we can help in a practical way like looking after DC more if she wants to take extra shifts etc then they are always welcome here.

After going through it all together we do not feel comfortable handing over any lump sum, certainly not of funds I have saved for our own plans and worked so hard to do so.

Time will tell if it becomes an issue between DH and ex I guess.

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 24/04/2025 00:15

the problem with it all is she will probably struggle to find somewhere as ll are now not allowed to take months of rent up front

my sister recently had this trouble just sold her house but they still wanted a gurantor even though she had thousands in the bank

i dont know how anyone is going to find new rentals anymore- letting agents say its going to be a disaster

this doesnt mean you should be anyones gurantor

caringcarer · 23/04/2025 09:28

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 23/04/2025 09:10

No it doesn’t. If you go on Rightmove or Zoopla, or any of the private room rental sites like SpareRoom you’ll see that it’s routine to ask for either a guarantor or six, and sometimes even twelve months rent upfront as an alternative, depending on the minimum term.

Edited
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Yes, but the moment RRB comes into practice all LL must return any upfront payments. RRB bans them the moment it comes into force, which is likely to be October according to most LL forums.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 23/04/2025 09:24

Rklap · 19/04/2025 18:53

This is the problem though. What you want to do in “your own lives” has to come second to the wellbeing of all of the children involved. Your husband has three children - massive responsibility already. And the older two will have their wellbeing significantly impacted if their mum can’t get anywhere for her and them to live.

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Completely overlooking the fact that the childrens’ mother has the same responsibility to them as their dad. OP and her DH already have the children 50/50 as well as paying significant maintenance, so it’s not as though he’s shirking his responsibility to them. He and OP can offer them a home full time until the ex sorts herself out - he has no obligation to sort out the housing arrangements of a grown woman he split from over ten years ago because she’s financially irresponsible, and it’s certainly not his responsibility to put his own financial security at risk by guaranteeing his ex’s rent payments when in all likelihood at some point she will default.

AppleandRhubarbTart · 23/04/2025 09:15

There's a reason everyone with any real understanding of what being a guarantor entails has counselled against this. It's about the most risky way to help. Would be more sensible to pay rent upfront if your DH feels he must do something.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 23/04/2025 09:10

caringcarer · 20/04/2025 18:14

Renters Rights Bill prevents tenants paying up front on rent. You know the bill that's supposed to help tenants.

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No it doesn’t. If you go on Rightmove or Zoopla, or any of the private room rental sites like SpareRoom you’ll see that it’s routine to ask for either a guarantor or six, and sometimes even twelve months rent upfront as an alternative, depending on the minimum term.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 23/04/2025 09:02

Sid077 · 20/04/2025 19:18

On my first reading of this I thought it was a mortgage scenario in which case I would say no as that’s a long term commitment and would need to be declared if you were borrowing for anything else. if it’s renting I would say yes with agreement to remove after 12 months. Moving into a flat share and being separated from kids is really harsh and would affect the kids. Obviously it’s of their own making. I would do this and make clear last time support of this nature will be offered.

The problem is that once you are a guarantor, the agreement is legally enforceable for the duration of the tenancy agreement unless something changes. You can’t just decide to let yourself out of it after 12 months - that’s the landlords’ decision. And if the tenant falls into arrears within that time, no landlord is going to release you while they are owed money. It’s quite scary that so many people don’t understand what being a guarantor actually mreans.

blueleavesgreensky · 22/04/2025 21:32

CopperWhite · 19/04/2025 15:59

She’s not asking you, she’s asking her children’s father. If he’s inclined to do it then he should.

Although I think if he does say no, it is only right that he offers to provide the children with a full time home.

Don’t be ridiculous. It the woman defaults then it’s as much the OPs money that would be spent

daleylama · 22/04/2025 21:20

OhYesYouDid0 · 19/04/2025 16:23

Also I'm wary that relations have so far been very good between us all and it would be a same to sour that. But at the same time, I don't want to agree to something that makes me so uncomfortable just to keep the peace.

and think how 'uncomfortable' it'll be if you make the loan and she defaults

pineapplesundae · 21/04/2025 19:52

I think keep the kids for a while and give her a chance to get on her feet.

WearyAuldWumman · 21/04/2025 18:21

Based on the experience of a family member, I'd counsel against either signing up as a guarantor or giving the ex sum[s] of money.

In the case of my family member, the more that was handed over, the more that was demanded - even to the extent of trying claim money from my family member after her partner died. (That went nowhere, but it caused distress and expense.)

DisappearingGirl · 21/04/2025 15:42

I do feel sorry for the ex as the housing and job markets are brutal at the moment, especially if you have no family to help you out financially if you hit a rough patch.

However I wouldn't want to be a guarantor either.

Agree with others that paying towards a guarantor company (didn't know these existed!) may be helpful to her.

If you wanted / could afford to help further, you could ask her which debt has the worst interest and pay some of it off for her. Then she'll be in a better place to pay her rent independently.

I'd do these things as a gift not a loan, but only what you're willing to spend.

But I wouldn't want to sign away an unlimited amount of money which is what being a guarantor could mean.

pollymere · 21/04/2025 12:55

It's a really tricky one because you care about people but you also need to be sensible. I don't think I'd ever be guarantor for anyone other than DC or possibly my brother at a push. That's only because I would be happy to pay rent for them.

However, I'd have to tell both DC and DB that I don't have the finances to be their guarantor at the moment because I just about cover my own bills. If I could "spare" the occasional £1000 then of course I'd help out. I think you need to make it clear that you'd love to help out but don't think you have the finances to take it on. I imagine they check whether you have the wherewithal to be a guarantor so just regretfully decline.

Poppins21 · 21/04/2025 11:31

Weirdedoot · 21/04/2025 11:22

I was replying to @MeganM3 not you @Poppins21 sorry I think I used the quote tweet thing wrong.

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No worries

Weirdedoot · 21/04/2025 11:22

Poppins21 · 21/04/2025 11:19

I did not say that at all. I said the OPs husband has a responsibility to her and the child they have together not his ex partner. His ex partner is responsible for her own finances.

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I was replying to @MeganM3 not you @Poppins21 sorry I think I used the quote tweet thing wrong.