To think you should never cohabit with a man unless he’s paying the majority of the bills?

I’d raise both sons and daughters to understand their value and to build lives rooted in intention, not default settings. If I had daughters, I’d encourage them to explore their gifts, pursue meaningful work if they want to, and never apologise for wanting to prioritise family, feminine energy or softness, if that’s what fulfils them.
If I had sons, I’d absolutely teach them life skills, emotional intelligence, and leadership - not just financial responsibility but the character to protect and provide emotionally too. I don’t believe in raising one-dimensional people - I believe in raising people who can lead and love with purpose.

let me sum up your argument
you want a rich man to pay the bills and you will fawn over him and make him feel special and remember all his family’s birthday’s

What's wrong with IVF?

Honestly? It sounds like you’ve already found a rhythm that works and that’s the goal. My point isn’t that women never contribute equally or that men always pay more - it’s that in many relationships, the split looks equal on paper but isn’t in practice. Emotional load, relationship maintenance and caregiving often go unseen and unmeasured.

If you and your partner have genuinely shared responsibilities and mutual respect, the financial dynamic should reflect what makes both of you feel secure, supported, and valued - not just what looks mathematically “even.” That might be 50/50, 70/30, or something else entirely. For me, that includes masculine financial leadership but I respect that every couple defines balance differently.

Thanks for being so honest, it can be hard on here when people will jump on you.

It sounds like this is very much about your aspirations and personality, and your own family's choices about how to split the responsibilities of having a family and raising children.

I am completely on board with that.

I do have an issue with the OP telling me that this is the natural order of things and what everyone should be doing. I am also a firm believer that what is being described as feminine traits are a result of social conditioning not biological differences and so I do struggle a bit with the idea of women being divine. I think whoever the primary carer is will be more tuned in to the children's needs and emotionally connected, regardless of sex.

I do understand but everyone has different priorities and we should respect them.

I would never have ivf for example, so if it transpired that I couldn’t conceive naturally and my husband really wanted kids - I would not have ivf - I would also understand if that meant he wanted to find someone else.

I just don’t understand why people are so concerned about other peoples dynamics are?

I’d raise both sons and daughters to understand their value and to build lives rooted in intention, not default settings. If I had daughters, I’d encourage them to explore their gifts, pursue meaningful work if they want to, and never apologise for wanting to prioritise family, feminine energy or softness, if that’s what fulfils them.
If I had sons, I’d absolutely teach them life skills, emotional intelligence, and leadership - not just financial responsibility but the character to protect and provide emotionally too. I don’t believe in raising one-dimensional people - I believe in raising people who can lead and love with purpose.

That’s a good question and maybe there is some truth in that it makes it easier to navigate now I’m unwell, yes.

I also very much know that as my kids approach their teenage years it’s going to be very challenging! I have been in therapy and slowly getting better so hopefully that will continue as I get I will need to let go a lot.

It’s also true that since I was a teenager I always knew I wanted to be a mum. I could never understand the desire to try and excel in a career and really just wanted to raise babies and be a housewife! So much so that when I met my husband I was very clear about what I wanted. I wouldn’t have settled down with a man who didn’t share those same values.

I feel very fortunate to be able to stay at home doing what I love, and also it does feel safer for me yes, now juggling ocd.

For what it’s worth, I was a very wild teenager without ocd when I met my husband so it wasn’t like I was scared to go out etc or leave the house (I’m not like that now either). I just always wanted to be a SAHM even before ocd.

I can't understand how you would choose a person to spend the rest of your life with, but with caveats before you even get there. Such as if you're unable to provide me with children despite both wanting them, or you can no longer provide financially, then sorry but my vows meant nothing?

Deception or deliberate mistreatment are different. But do people genuinely not choose the person?

I hope you don't mind me picking up in your user name, but if you suffer with OCD, do you feel that is some of the reason why you feel more at peace at home, where you can control your environment a lot more?

I would be prepared for the teen years coming as a shock when you have to let go a bit.

I would also worry that hiding away at home is putting a sticky plaster over what is a really life limiting condition.

I am not trying to pry, but I assume from including your diagnosis in your user name you are open to discussion around it?

I do understand but everyone has different priorities and we should respect them.

I would never have ivf for example, so if it transpired that I couldn’t conceive naturally and my husband really wanted kids - I would not have ivf - I would also understand if that meant he wanted to find someone else.

I just don’t understand why people are so concerned about other peoples dynamics are?

That’s good for you.

I love being with my children and I love supporting my husband and family in the way feels most natural to me

But to say you wouldn't marry someone with performance issues because you want children is very different to knowing it was absolutely impossible. An impotent man might be fertile and with treatment could father children.

A man with no performance issues may never be able to father children. But who knows til he tries?

A woman who is specifically looking for someone to father their children may end up being unable to conceive or carry to term.

These aren't things you know til you try. And most people won't try til they're married. Especially very religious people.

I’d never be resentful of DH if he hadn’t been able to give me children. He’s not a sperm donor. Our relationship is stronger than that.

He'd be well within his rights to if he wanted to. If I was physically unable to have intimacy due to health issues I'd understand even more.

A good marriage is supporting each other through the good and bad times. Having a family and a good sex life is only part of a loving relationship.
If you’d were unable to have children, would he leave you?

I’d raise both sons and daughters to understand their value and to build lives rooted in intention, not default settings. If I had daughters, I’d encourage them to explore their gifts, pursue meaningful work if they want to, and never apologise for wanting to prioritise family, feminine energy or softness, if that’s what fulfils them.
If I had sons, I’d absolutely teach them life skills, emotional intelligence, and leadership - not just financial responsibility but the character to protect and provide emotionally too. I don’t believe in raising one-dimensional people - I believe in raising people who can lead and love with purpose.

If he lost his job I'd support him in this job search to find a new job. If he had ED I'd support him with curing the ailment.

But should I stay married if he never ever got a job again? If he was unable to ever have sex with me, should I stay in a sexless marriage?

OP, are you that poster who proudly announced that she sits on the floor while her husband sits on the sofa so that he can feel "above" her?

It’s perfectly reasonable though for either man or woman to want biological children more than stay in a relationship with someone who can’t give them that. I would rather my husband leave if that was our situation than stay and be resentful. Depends what their priorities are.

How sad - he could loose his job after your marriage or become impotent through illness. Would you not support him financially and emotionally?

But as it goes, apparently Melania Trump is miserable as fuck and they have very little to do with each other beyond what the world sees. Could all be journalistic nonsense of course, and she could be deliriously happy that the energy isn’t being split, however, I suspect not. 😂🤣