To think you should never cohabit with a man unless he’s paying the majority of the bills?

I do the house, DH does the money. Different but both valuable contributions to running our household happily. If I had to work he would have to do half the house along with me and weekends would be swallowed up with domestic chores before Monday rolled around again. I've been there and done it, it's not for us.

There aren't a lot of men on this thread, hence me referencing the other female pp.

'A lot of people don’t count non-financial contributions to a relationship.'

What does that even mean? Only monetary contributions are actual contributions in a relationship? What a miserable outlook. Can't say I know anyone who thinks this way let alone 'a lot of people.'

I would never have given up work had there not been a safety net in place.

We can all speculate on future what ifs, but being left up shit creek isn't exclusive to SAHM/housewives. Many working women wouldn't be able to make the rent/mortgage and bills alone either in the event of divorce/death. Financial instability is why so many people stay together when they don't get on. I know of two of my closest girlfriends who are living this scenario right now.

I wouldn't consider my relationship to be 50/50 if one person didn't do their share financially but I don't only mean finances when I say 50/50.

It’s not just women who do that. Collectively a lot of men say “50/50” to mean financial.

A lot of people don’t count non-financial contributions to a relationship.

If the person making more than 50% financial contribution also considers it a 50/50 relationship, that's great (for now). If it's only you who thinks that, then there may come a point in the future when it's not great at all. It's always great until it's not and you are undeniably vulnerable to have put yourself in that position.

Same

I think that's the point many PPs are trying to make. An equal 50/50 relationship doesn't mean paying 50/50 on all the bills.

I equate 50/50 to time available. If I were working more hours than dh but he was earning more than me, I would expect him to do more of the domestic load. He does, in fact. We earn the same, but I have a bigger workload and need to bring work home (teacher), which he doesn't. We share the main housework equally, but he does most of the cooking, meal planning and supermarket shopping, plus all the gardening and diy. Except in the school holidays, when I do a bit more.

It's interesting how so many women equate 50/50 to monetary values. I consider my relationship 50/50 and I don't contribute financially at all.

My world is not black and white. I just know how I am and I know I'm not the only person. It won't have been like that for you, but it will have been for other people, as noted by another PP on this thread.

Believe it or not, we're all different. Some people can make and stick to decisions and never change their mind. Others make decisions but as they evolve as people, change those decisions. Both are completely true and completely valid.

I'm sorry you can't open your mind enough to understand that the way you work isn't the same for everyone else.

No, I don’t think they do, immutably. But you believe in your black and white world if it makes you feel better

Exactly. I love my DD and I'm over the moon she's here. But I know our life without children would have been a happy one too (so far as we can control), because we didn't feel like we needed children to complete our lives.

I said I knew I didn't want to go through that, the physical and emotional toll being something I wasn't willing to go through for something I was happy to go without.

Like I said, some people know what they will and won't do, for what.

I still disagree - principles of all sorts can go by the board for many reasons. Also the PP said it was about the physical and emotional toll. The cost benefit analysis where that is the case can easily change over time

It’s not really if fundamentally you don’t agree with it, which some don’t.

This is how I feel too.

Children were never a must have for me and DH and I agreed early on as we were older when we started TTC that IVF wouldn't be an option for us because it is very invasive and we could live a good childfree life.

I'm sure your inbox is bursting at the seams with date proposals from men all over the world.
NOT.

I can say, because we were not far off the age where children don't happen. So I know what I said I'd do and I know what I did.

You can't say what you'd do in different circumstances. I know myself well enough that in many circumstances I can say that. Many people can.

In these circumstances, I knew that I would be ok with never having a child. I never felt like that was something I needed to complete me, so I therefore knew I wouldn't do IVF because I didn't want to do it. I I know I don't want to do something, that means I wouldn't ever commit to it enough to see it through.

Some people are secure enough in themselves to know what they are and are not willing to do. I'm sorry you think that makes someone silly, you clearly don't know yourself well enough.

It is a marriage. I love DH. Islamically I am entitled to certain things. I have the right as per my religion (that my and my husband both choose to follow) to be provided for. I love it

You absolutely don’t know what you would do in circumstances that didn’t arise. I know many, many people who “make” the decision not to go for IVF and change their mind.

You’re right I don’t know your circumstances, but I also do know a lot of people who claim to have a miracle baby but in reality have no realistic idea of what struggling to conceive really is - just didn’t happen how they’d hoped.

Not saying this is you, but absolutely saying you cannot say what you would have done in circumstances that didn’t arise - your childless state continuing. You can change your mind. And so it’s silly to state with certainty something you cannot know as such.

I use housework so my DD never hears of it as being the job of the wife, just the job of the household. As did my parents.

Model what you want your kids to grow up with.

yep using “housework” suggests that it’s a neutral task.

when we all know the reality is much of it will be designated, consciously or subconsciously, to the female because that’s how we’ve been conditioned.

I know the “housework” should be a 50:50 effort. However I am also aware that if the house isn’t a certain standard if anyone is judging it will be me they judge, not DH.

i can leave the garden to become overgrown and unruly and that doesn’t stress me as much as the house- and I know that’s because visitors will see the garden as dh not pulling his weight, the house as me not doing so.

and yes, I know it is wrong and it’s not my issue but until things change that’s how it is. As a society it’s still women who give up paid jobs to take on the Wifework- it’s rare a man does.

it’s the old “men don’t see dirt” thing. They do, it just doesn’t occur to them to deal with it because it’s not their job.

I use “Wifework” to remind myself it’s sexist reasoning and it isn’t my sole responsibility purely because I’m female. It should be “housework”, but it isn’t, not yet.

I don't think the pp is saying this way of doing things is correct, just establishing that there is social conditioning to accept this.

I think I have enough "masculine energy" to have been the major breadwinner in earlier years, when DH had a baby business. When we had DC, the balance tilted but my economic contribution remained significant. Now we are nearly 70, I continue to lead the financial planning, because I am actively interested.