Page 27 | To think you should never cohabit with a man unless he’s paying the majority of the bills?

PowderMonkeys · 19/04/2025 14:09

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 13:57

Because I believe in masculine provider energy and I’m not looking to split hairs or bills. If I’m showing up emotionally, practically, and often doing more of the invisible labour that keeps a household running, I don’t think it’s wild to expect financial leadership in return. It’s about alignment. Some of us just don’t want a 50/50 roommate dynamic in our relationships.

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Ah, you are the ‘protect and provide’ poster. Why not go 50/50 on the bills and labour and calm the hell down about the Masculine Provider Energy stuff. It’s tiresome and dates from a pre-modern era.

Original poster

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 14:09

Whynotaxthisyear · 19/04/2025 14:02

This would be that American 'Surrendered Wives' idea, perhaps? I don't think you are going to find many like minded people on Mumsnet, or convince anyone of your way of looking at things.

I’m not trying to convince anyone, just sharing a perspective that works for some of us. It’s not about “surrendering” - it’s about being intentional with the dynamic you want. A lot of women don’t want to carry half the load and still be expected to lead emotionally and practically too. And based on the replies (both for and against), I’d say the conversation’s more relevant than it looks.

OP posts:

yeesh · 19/04/2025 14:09

🤣🤣

InfoSecInTheCity · 19/04/2025 14:07

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 13:57

Because I believe in masculine provider energy and I’m not looking to split hairs or bills. If I’m showing up emotionally, practically, and often doing more of the invisible labour that keeps a household running, I don’t think it’s wild to expect financial leadership in return. It’s about alignment. Some of us just don’t want a 50/50 roommate dynamic in our relationships.

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That’s your opinion, it wouldn’t suit me, I’m fiercely independent and eminently capable of making my own money and providing for myself. I have no desire to ever be reliant on anyone to keep me housed, fed and clothed. What I looked for in a partner was someone who loved me, who I could have a conversation with, who I enjoyed spending time with, who challenged me but in a respectful and considerate way, who was willing to learn and grow with me, who shows me consideration through small acts and wanted to share the household tasks and raise a child with me.

Your choices look horrific to me, just as mine probably look horrific to you.

Uricon2 · 19/04/2025 14:05

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 14:03

Or maybe it’s just that women are finally saying the quiet part out loud and not everyone knows how to handle that. Random username or not, the conversation clearly struck a nerve.

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Yes, the nerve it strikes is called "annoyance" in every poster I've seen cooment so far, apart from you.

Locutus2000 · 19/04/2025 14:05

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 14:03

Or maybe it’s just that women are finally saying the quiet part out loud and not everyone knows how to handle that. Random username or not, the conversation clearly struck a nerve.

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Random username or not, the conversation clearly struck a nerve.

You realise everybody here can see exactly what you are up to, right?

Whynotaxthisyear · 19/04/2025 14:04

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 14:03

Or maybe it’s just that women are finally saying the quiet part out loud and not everyone knows how to handle that. Random username or not, the conversation clearly struck a nerve.

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It kind of irritated some of us. I suppose you could call that striking a nerve.

HiRen · 19/04/2025 14:04

“Some of us value traditional masculine provision” - so why are you asking Mumsnet, then?!

Have a lie down, dear. Think it through a little bit more.

Original poster

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 14:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Or maybe it’s just that women are finally saying the quiet part out loud and not everyone knows how to handle that. Random username or not, the conversation clearly struck a nerve.

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ShanghaiDiva · 19/04/2025 14:03

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 13:55

I mean that when the financial foundation isn’t solid or feels uneven, it can ripple into everything else - how supported you feel, how you show up, how emotionally safe the relationship is. “Split finances, split energy” just sums up the idea that when both people are doing the exact same thing, often nobody is fully holding it down.

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This is utter drivel.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 19/04/2025 14:02

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 13:57

Because I believe in masculine provider energy and I’m not looking to split hairs or bills. If I’m showing up emotionally, practically, and often doing more of the invisible labour that keeps a household running, I don’t think it’s wild to expect financial leadership in return. It’s about alignment. Some of us just don’t want a 50/50 roommate dynamic in our relationships.

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Most of us just want an equal partnership. Whether that means paying 50/50 or doing equal amounts of housework or whatever.

Currently, DH pays the majority of the bills, I pay for fun stuff. I work part time to reduce the childcare costs. We both do stuff round the house. We both do childcare.

Previously it's been exactly 50/50, sometimes I paid more sometimes he did.

We are not roommates nor do we have that energy. We are a partnership, a team, we work together for our shared life.

x2boys · 19/04/2025 14:02

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 14:00

Because “fair” doesn’t always mean “equal in numbers.” In many relationships, women are already contributing more in emotional labour, home management, caregiving, and keeping the relationship connected. If the man is also paying exactly half - who’s really carrying more weight?

I’m not against balance. I just don’t believe identical roles = healthy dynamics. Some of us value traditional masculine provision - not out of weakness but because we bring a different kind of strength.

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Good luck with that i cant see many men willingly going along with it no matter how much you might " value " it.

HiRen · 19/04/2025 14:02

I think you’ve been spending too much time on the internet and not enough time with actual humans. I wish you luck finding a partner who will pay the majority of the bills and not expect more than the monetary equivalent in return. The “roommate dynamic” you disparage is more for your protection than his.

Whynotaxthisyear · 19/04/2025 14:02

This would be that American 'Surrendered Wives' idea, perhaps? I don't think you are going to find many like minded people on Mumsnet, or convince anyone of your way of looking at things.

Uricon2 · 19/04/2025 14:00

I'm increasingly thinking lately that we're on the Gilead version of Mumsnet, so much antiquated, antifeminist crap.

Original poster

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 14:00

arethereanyleftatall · 19/04/2025 13:50

Eh? Based on what context? Why wouldn’t it be split fairly, regardless of sex?

Because “fair” doesn’t always mean “equal in numbers.” In many relationships, women are already contributing more in emotional labour, home management, caregiving, and keeping the relationship connected. If the man is also paying exactly half - who’s really carrying more weight?

I’m not against balance. I just don’t believe identical roles = healthy dynamics. Some of us value traditional masculine provision - not out of weakness but because we bring a different kind of strength.

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Mickeychampionwhatgoodami · 19/04/2025 13:59

Meaningless drivel.

Annascaul · 19/04/2025 13:59

Lascivious · 19/04/2025 13:48

Are you the ‘protect and provide’ poster?

Definitely.
More tedious nonsense.

AgnesX · 19/04/2025 13:58

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 13:55

I mean that when the financial foundation isn’t solid or feels uneven, it can ripple into everything else - how supported you feel, how you show up, how emotionally safe the relationship is. “Split finances, split energy” just sums up the idea that when both people are doing the exact same thing, often nobody is fully holding it down.

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That works both ways. It should be proportional to salary to be fair.

Never move in together without agreeing it. And if you can't talk about money together then you shouldn't.

XenoBitch · 19/04/2025 13:58

When I have lived with someone, we split the bills based on our earnings. He earned more, so paid more. If I had earned more, then I would have paid more.

I have no idea what this 'split energy' shite is about.

Original poster

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 13:57

ToKittyornottoKitty · 19/04/2025 13:49

Why would he need to pay the majority?

Because I believe in masculine provider energy and I’m not looking to split hairs or bills. If I’m showing up emotionally, practically, and often doing more of the invisible labour that keeps a household running, I don’t think it’s wild to expect financial leadership in return. It’s about alignment. Some of us just don’t want a 50/50 roommate dynamic in our relationships.

OP posts:

x2boys · 19/04/2025 13:57

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 13:55

I mean that when the financial foundation isn’t solid or feels uneven, it can ripple into everything else - how supported you feel, how you show up, how emotionally safe the relationship is. “Split finances, split energy” just sums up the idea that when both people are doing the exact same thing, often nobody is fully holding it down.

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This makes no sense its just a jumble.of words

Original poster

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 13:55

Dhxusksgxuks · 19/04/2025 13:49

What does split energy mean?!

I mean that when the financial foundation isn’t solid or feels uneven, it can ripple into everything else - how supported you feel, how you show up, how emotionally safe the relationship is. “Split finances, split energy” just sums up the idea that when both people are doing the exact same thing, often nobody is fully holding it down.

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TranceNation · 19/04/2025 13:55

The responses so far haven't gone the way you thought they might I suggest

vodkaredbullgirl · 19/04/2025 13:55

🤔