Page 25 | To think you should never cohabit with a man unless he’s paying the majority of the bills?

MorrisZapp · 19/04/2025 14:39

Oh god are you that 'feminine energy' weirdo off tiktok?

Original poster

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 14:39

arcticpandas · 19/04/2025 14:32

Oh Elon, are you recruiting mummies in the UK now?

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Or maybe I’m just someone who holds a different standard and doesn’t need to wrap it up in sarcasm to feel smart. We can joke all we like but roles, values and relationship expectations are still conversations worth having, even if they make people uncomfortable.

OP posts:

Herewegoagainandagainandagain · 19/04/2025 14:38

MidnightPatrol · 19/04/2025 14:23

You sound like you think the world owes you a living tbh.

What would happen if this ‘provider’ became ill and couldn’t work any more?

While I think you have a point, I am more swayed to thinking it is a woman raised without confidence in her own abilities, or not motivated/too lazy/scared/doesn't know how to explore them, in the big bad outside word and wanting to move directly from being under parental wings, to another parental figure.

It probably stems from either the parents own relationship, or poor parenting.

Shame really as it leads to only living half a life and very one sided relationship - risky strategy when a relationship fails and they simply don't know how to support themselves.

Allthesnowallthetime · 19/04/2025 14:38

It could work.

If he's your dad and you are under 18.

I'd expect a dad to pay for their child.

Uricon2 · 19/04/2025 14:38

Well, when the "energy" of the "masculine provider" finds a focus elsewhere and you're left up financial shit creek sans paddle as the "leadership" has checked out, all that emotional nurture won't amount to a roof or an income.

Unless you mean he pays for everything and you hang on to all your money, which is equally dodgy in a different way.

ilovesooty · 19/04/2025 14:37

Good grief. I think the OP is actually serious. 🤔

Quacksalver · 19/04/2025 14:36

pinotnow · 19/04/2025 14:12

I really hate the phrase 'show up' when used in the way the OP does. It always gives a sniff of claptrap and it's absolutely reeking here.

And we've had "holding it down" and "low vibe" too! I think I'm gonna need a bingo card!

Original poster

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 14:36

Charlize43 · 19/04/2025 14:29

'masculine provider energy'. sounds so retro.

Are you one of these 'rinsers' that I was reading about online that expects a man to take you out for a luxury meal and drinks at a top restaurant and then give you an expensive Cartier jewellery piece because you think you are special and worth it?

Good luck with that.

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No, I’m not a “rinser” and I don’t think expecting masculine provision in a relationship means expecting luxury dinners and Cartier bracelets. What I said was about share values and polarity: if I’m contributing emotionally, practically and often carrying the invisible load that keeps things running, I want to feel secure and supported in return and yes, that includes financial leadership.

It’s nothing to do with rinsing - it’s about choosing a dynamic that works for both people. Some of us just don’t want a partner that feels like a flatmate with benefits. That doesn’t make us entitled - it makes us clear.

OP posts:

Charlize43 · 19/04/2025 14:35

Is this a reverse? Are you a cocklodger?

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 19/04/2025 14:35

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 14:31

Or maybe it just sounds unfamiliar because women are finally putting language to what we’ve felt for a long time without sugarcoating it. Masculine provision and emotional polarity aren’t exclusive to the manosphere - they’re values many women hold. We’ve just been taught not to speak about them without apology. If that sounds “too polished” or uncomfortable, maybe that says more about the listener than the speaker.

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It doesn't sound unfamiliar. On the contrary, it sounds depressingly old-fashioned and familiar. Are you really trying to dress up this patriarchal bullshit as some new idea?!

ExpatMum41 · 19/04/2025 14:35

Whoever makes more money should pay more.

I paid more in my first two relationships (my idea). Unfortunately, it led to them both also 'borrowing' money from me that they still owe me 20 and 17 years later respectively, but what can you do.

The third serious partner made more and subsequently paid more (his idea) but he was contradictorily an abusive arsehole about it too.

The next one made a lot more but insisted on 50-50 after the first few dates, but was also very happy to come to mine for dinner and eat steak and fresh fish (while he lived at home, gave his mummy 'keep', and the most I ever ate there was a prawn salad one day) and pretended to agree to pay towards my shopping bill the next time I was going to cook for both of us (but never did).

Now I'm happily married and my husband, who makes significantly more than I do, pays for everything (which, given that I'm now a SAHM and a housewife, only making 'parental leave' money here, is fair enough).

Pleasegodgotosleep · 19/04/2025 14:34

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 13:55

I mean that when the financial foundation isn’t solid or feels uneven, it can ripple into everything else - how supported you feel, how you show up, how emotionally safe the relationship is. “Split finances, split energy” just sums up the idea that when both people are doing the exact same thing, often nobody is fully holding it down.

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Why should one person be fully holding it down? And why the man? Why wouldn't you be a team?

ilovesooty · 19/04/2025 14:34

handle emotional check ins 😂

This is the best laugh I've had all day.

DefinitelyMaybe92 · 19/04/2025 14:33

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 14:31

Or maybe it just sounds unfamiliar because women are finally putting language to what we’ve felt for a long time without sugarcoating it. Masculine provision and emotional polarity aren’t exclusive to the manosphere - they’re values many women hold. We’ve just been taught not to speak about them without apology. If that sounds “too polished” or uncomfortable, maybe that says more about the listener than the speaker.

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Your replies smack of regurgitated social media guff.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 19/04/2025 14:33

What a weird concept. When I was working pt and dh ft, I did more of the domestic load and he paid more of the bills. Now we are paid almost exactly the same and both work ft, we share the bills and the domestic load equally. It's not rocket science and it doesn't make us 'flatmates'

Male provider 'energy'

arcticpandas · 19/04/2025 14:32

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 14:29

Not at all, I don’t think the world owes me anything. I just believe in complimentary roles where each person brings their strengths. If a provide became ill, the dynamics would shift - just like in any committed relationship. Support isn’t a one-way street. But a setback doesn’t cancel out the standard - it just reveals whether the relationship is built on genuine care or convenience.

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Oh Elon, are you recruiting mummies in the UK now?

TasWair · 19/04/2025 14:32

Your idea of what "masculine energy" actually means is harmful. Men do not have to take the lead, they do not have to be passive in the labour they do within the home and in caring roles within their families. Being an active and equal partner and giving their partner the freedom of equality can be a very masculine, positive energy. What you're proposing is to uphold toxic masculinity within households, putting a lot of pressure on both men and women to be a certain way, thus causing frustration and resentment from both.
I hope you meet better men, OP.

Original poster

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 14:31

DecafDodger · 19/04/2025 14:23

Was the ChatGPT prompt on purpose to make your posts sound like straight out of manosphere reddit?
masculine provider energy, leading in a relationship and what one is bringing to a table are expressions that no woman has used ever.

Or maybe it just sounds unfamiliar because women are finally putting language to what we’ve felt for a long time without sugarcoating it. Masculine provision and emotional polarity aren’t exclusive to the manosphere - they’re values many women hold. We’ve just been taught not to speak about them without apology. If that sounds “too polished” or uncomfortable, maybe that says more about the listener than the speaker.

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 19/04/2025 14:30

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 13:57

Because I believe in masculine provider energy and I’m not looking to split hairs or bills. If I’m showing up emotionally, practically, and often doing more of the invisible labour that keeps a household running, I don’t think it’s wild to expect financial leadership in return. It’s about alignment. Some of us just don’t want a 50/50 roommate dynamic in our relationships.

Edited

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masculine provider energy 🤣

DefinitelyMaybe92 · 19/04/2025 14:29

And what if the woman earns more???

Original poster

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 14:29

MidnightPatrol · 19/04/2025 14:23

You sound like you think the world owes you a living tbh.

What would happen if this ‘provider’ became ill and couldn’t work any more?

Not at all, I don’t think the world owes me anything. I just believe in complimentary roles where each person brings their strengths. If a provide became ill, the dynamics would shift - just like in any committed relationship. Support isn’t a one-way street. But a setback doesn’t cancel out the standard - it just reveals whether the relationship is built on genuine care or convenience.

OP posts:

MidnightPatrol · 19/04/2025 14:29

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 14:24

It’s always interesting how quickly a woman expressing a preference for masculine leadership gets reduced to a “pwincess” fantasy. What I described isn’t about helplessness - it’s about polarity, contribution, and mutual respect. But if it makes you feel better to mock it, go ahead. Still doesn’t make it any less valid.

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It sounds like you want a man to fund your lifestyle tbh.

Charlize43 · 19/04/2025 14:29

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 13:57

Because I believe in masculine provider energy and I’m not looking to split hairs or bills. If I’m showing up emotionally, practically, and often doing more of the invisible labour that keeps a household running, I don’t think it’s wild to expect financial leadership in return. It’s about alignment. Some of us just don’t want a 50/50 roommate dynamic in our relationships.

Edited

Show quote history

'masculine provider energy'. sounds so retro.

Are you one of these 'rinsers' that I was reading about online that expects a man to take you out for a luxury meal and drinks at a top restaurant and then give you an expensive Cartier jewellery piece because you think you are special and worth it?

Good luck with that.

ShanghaiDiva · 19/04/2025 14:27

In 33 years of marriage I have never handled an emotional check in - what utter guff.

SunnyViper · 19/04/2025 14:26

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 14:22

Emotional labour is the work of managing feelings - your own and other people’s. That includes things like remembering birthdays, smoothing over tensions, checking in after a bad day, planning meaningful time together, and noticing when something’s off and taking the lead to fix it.

Keeping the relationship connected means tending to the emotional health of the relationship - making sure it doesn’t go cold, distant, or transactional. In a lot of relationships, it’s the women who initiate difficult conversations, plan quality time, handle emotional check-ins and carry the mental load of keeping things emotionally stable.

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I totally disagree and it’s responsibility of both to engage emotionally. Everything you state is the absolute minimum I would expect in a partner.