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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you should never cohabit with a man unless he’s paying the majority of the bills?

685 replies

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 13:47

Split finances = split energy.

OP posts:
DefinitelyMaybe92 · 19/04/2025 15:11

I hate to say it, but many high-earning men (I come across a good few working in my own decently-paying job which results in me having no self-respect, apparently…) will see the likes of you coming a mile away. Most intelligent, honest, good guys won’t want a very obvious (sorry) sponger who isn’t bringing anything to the table other than “softness”, whatever the heck that’s code for... The ones that do, know they’re with you for a “good time” not a long time. Sad but true. That’s why I personally believe it’s important to be with someone who treats you well and with respect above all else; someone you CHOOSE to be with, instead of NEEDING to be with them because they fund your life.

Charlize43 · 19/04/2025 15:11

ilovesooty · 19/04/2025 15:09

I feel rather sorry for @ThisSereneSnail that she hasn't experienced that. Her experience seems to have been of emotionally absent men.

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Or just absent men... (the non paying type too).

Original poster
ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 15:10

Mercurial123 · 19/04/2025 14:45

You want to be a trad wife?!

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Not quite. I want a relationship built on polarity and mutual respect, not outdated stereotypes.

Wanting masculine financial leadership doesn’t mean I’m trying to cosplay a 1950s housewife - it means I value structure, protection and emotional balance in a relationship. And just like I’m not forcing anyone else to live that way, I’m not interested in justifying it either. It’s a dynamic that works for me and plenty of women like me.

OP posts:
legsekeven · 19/04/2025 15:10

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 15:02

Nope, just a woman who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to say it without reality TV editing.

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let me sum up your argument
you want a rich man to pay the bills and you will fawn over him and make him feel special and remember all his family’s birthday’s

ilovesooty · 19/04/2025 15:09

WeHaveTheRabbit · 19/04/2025 14:58

Nah, it’s preferable to work as a partnership, with both partners contributing equally, including emotional involvement.

I feel rather sorry for @ThisSereneSnail that she hasn't experienced that. Her experience seems to have been of emotionally absent men.

Fioratourer · 19/04/2025 15:09

If a long term relationship I would think it’s earnings dependant. Especially if one of you works part time to care for young children.

obsessedwithfreshbread · 19/04/2025 15:09

There is nothing attractive or masculine about a man who would palm off looking after the house/children/remembering his mums birthday in exchange for a few quid!
i don’t need a “leader” I’m more than capable of leading myself and if he doesn’t care enough to put equal effort in then he’s not the man I want.

Dontcallmescarface · 19/04/2025 15:09

godmum56 · 19/04/2025 15:04

I am not voting because there is no option for batshittery

There have been a fair few threads today where that voting option would be relevant.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 19/04/2025 15:08

As the higher earner I think that would be very unfair.
We're a team, it's not a transactional relationship.

vodkaredbullgirl · 19/04/2025 15:07

godmum56 · 19/04/2025 15:06

hahahah nope

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😭

Original poster
ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 15:07

intrepidpanda · 19/04/2025 14:45

Just curious @ThisSereneSnail.
if you have daughters, are you raising them to be mums or are you encouraging a career?
If you have sons, are you teaching them any housekeeping skills?

I’d raise both sons and daughters to understand their value and to build lives rooted in intention, not default settings. If I had daughters, I’d encourage them to explore their gifts, pursue meaningful work if they want to, and never apologise for wanting to prioritise family, feminine energy or softness, if that’s what fulfils them.
If I had sons, I’d absolutely teach them life skills, emotional intelligence, and leadership - not just financial responsibility but the character to protect and provide emotionally too. I don’t believe in raising one-dimensional people - I believe in raising people who can lead and love with purpose.

OP posts:
DottieMoon · 19/04/2025 15:07

I feel sorry for who ends of with you

godmum56 · 19/04/2025 15:06

vodkaredbullgirl · 19/04/2025 15:04

You better share it lol

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hahahah nope

To think you should never cohabit with a man unless he’s paying the majority of the bills?
Charlize43 · 19/04/2025 15:06

Are you a wannabe WAG?

Is it the Victoria Beckham model where you pretend to be a successful fashion designer with a shop in Mayfair and Paris fashion shows while your husband pays off your million pound losses every year? Is she your icon, your inspiration?

godmum56 · 19/04/2025 15:04

I am not voting because there is no option for batshittery

vodkaredbullgirl · 19/04/2025 15:04

godmum56 · 19/04/2025 15:03

hang on, gonna need the BIG box of popcorn and an extra large coke for this one.

You better share it lol

LeatherJacketWedding · 19/04/2025 15:04

This all sounds like American bullshit psychobabble

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/04/2025 15:04

I do agree in the sense that if men expect women to go 50/50 on finances but they don't go 50/50 on mental load, emotional labour, housework etc this is how women end up burnt out and frazzled and then relationships can die. If a woman (eg sahm) agreed with her partner that she'd take on this stuff them doing it all on top of high pressured full time job isn't sustainable or if it is then she'll be moody and resentful, and not a happy source or joy for him and the kids.

However, I would argue more towards men stepping up with improving their emotional intelligence and taking on more of the mental load rather than women expecting men to pay bills as most men can't afford to run a household that's nice enough for two adults to live in, let alone if kids too

godmum56 · 19/04/2025 15:03

hang on, gonna need the BIG box of popcorn and an extra large coke for this one.

Kitkate21 · 19/04/2025 15:03

Outofthepan · 19/04/2025 14:43

Is this Lauren off of MAFS AUS?

You beat me to it 😆

Ginmonkeyagain · 19/04/2025 15:03

We are currently playing to our strengths - Mr Monkey has taken his masculine provider energy off to work and I am laying on the sofa watching Buffy and eating easter eggs (ps I earn three times more than him - what about my feminine provider energy eh?)

AngelicKaty · 19/04/2025 15:03

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 14:50

No, just a woman with standards who knows how to articulate them - sorry if that’s unsettling. But feel free to keep scrolling if nuance and self-respect feel too “TikTok” for you.

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I have standards and self-respect and I don't know why you're implying that those of us (the overwhelming majority, BTW) who don't agree with you, don't.
So, presumably your DH (or DP) agrees with your view of your relationship? How long have you been together?

Original poster
ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 15:02

Outofthepan · 19/04/2025 14:43

Is this Lauren off of MAFS AUS?

Nope, just a woman who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to say it without reality TV editing.

OP posts:
x2boys · 19/04/2025 15:02

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 15:00

I’ve had partners who naturally show up that way and funnily enough, they didn’t see it as being a mug, just as being a man who values what I bring and leads with what he brings. Not every dynamic has to make sense to you for it to be real - just like not every woman wants to split bills, emotional load, and the mental gymnastics of pretending that’s balance. It’s not fantasy. It’s just a different standard - one I stand by.

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So they didtnt stick around then gotcha.

maslab · 19/04/2025 15:01

XenoBitch · 19/04/2025 13:58

When I have lived with someone, we split the bills based on our earnings. He earned more, so paid more. If I had earned more, then I would have paid more.

I have no idea what this 'split energy' shite is about.

I agree with this. I clicked the wrong poll answer.

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