Page 18 | To think you should never cohabit with a man unless he’s paying the majority of the bills?

ZoggyStirdust · 19/04/2025 16:01

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 15:58

I never said those who disagree with me don’t have self-respect - I said I value mine and I’m not going to dilute my standards just to sound more palatable. That’s very different from attacking anyone else’s choices.

As for my relationship - yes, he agrees, because we chose each other from a place of alignment. It works because we’re clear on what we both value and bring. That’s all it’s really about - choosing dynamics that feel right for you. Not everyone wants the same thing and that’s okay.

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The thing is, you think you’ve won by getting a bloke who will pay for you.

in reality you’ve ended up with a bloke that thinks women are not equal independent people. You’ve won the booby prize…

ilovesooty · 19/04/2025 16:01

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 15:58

I never said those who disagree with me don’t have self-respect - I said I value mine and I’m not going to dilute my standards just to sound more palatable. That’s very different from attacking anyone else’s choices.

As for my relationship - yes, he agrees, because we chose each other from a place of alignment. It works because we’re clear on what we both value and bring. That’s all it’s really about - choosing dynamics that feel right for you. Not everyone wants the same thing and that’s okay.

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So what happened to the other acceptable partners then?

Original poster

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 16:00

Ginmonkeyagain · 19/04/2025 15:03

We are currently playing to our strengths - Mr Monkey has taken his masculine provider energy off to work and I am laying on the sofa watching Buffy and eating easter eggs (ps I earn three times more than him - what about my feminine provider energy eh?)

Edited

Sounds like balance to me - feminine provider energy and strategic Easter egg recovery mode? We love to see it.

Jokes aside, if it works for you both, that’s the whole point. I’m not saying one model fits all - just that for some of us, financial leadership from a partner feels grounding. You’re clearly leading in your own way and with Buffy on in the background, I can’t even argue.

OP posts:

ttcat37 · 19/04/2025 15:59

Are you the poster who doesn’t think women should answer the door after sunset and instead should send their very tall sons or husbands?

ZoggyStirdust · 19/04/2025 15:59

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 19/04/2025 15:45

Sounds like a contrived excuse for you to pay less Op

It’s not contrived it’s blatant

Original poster

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 15:58

AngelicKaty · 19/04/2025 15:03

I have standards and self-respect and I don't know why you're implying that those of us (the overwhelming majority, BTW) who don't agree with you, don't.
So, presumably your DH (or DP) agrees with your view of your relationship? How long have you been together?

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I never said those who disagree with me don’t have self-respect - I said I value mine and I’m not going to dilute my standards just to sound more palatable. That’s very different from attacking anyone else’s choices.

As for my relationship - yes, he agrees, because we chose each other from a place of alignment. It works because we’re clear on what we both value and bring. That’s all it’s really about - choosing dynamics that feel right for you. Not everyone wants the same thing and that’s okay.

OP posts:

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 19/04/2025 15:56

Ha, depends on what you’re after. Masculine Provider Energy doesn’t do cashback but it does offer stability, initiative and loyalty as standard.
Bit harder to find on a comparison site but worth holding out for.

Well if you use MN as a comparison site for Masculine Provider Energy I'd say that a large proportion of men are failing the stability, initiative and loyalty tests on a daily basis.

Endofyear · 19/04/2025 15:56

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 13:57

Because I believe in masculine provider energy and I’m not looking to split hairs or bills. If I’m showing up emotionally, practically, and often doing more of the invisible labour that keeps a household running, I don’t think it’s wild to expect financial leadership in return. It’s about alignment. Some of us just don’t want a 50/50 roommate dynamic in our relationships.

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Sorry but you sound absolutely bonkers! What is masculine provider energy? Why wouldn't you want an equal partnership financially?

SoScarletItWas · 19/04/2025 15:56

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 13:55

I mean that when the financial foundation isn’t solid or feels uneven, it can ripple into everything else - how supported you feel, how you show up, how emotionally safe the relationship is. “Split finances, split energy” just sums up the idea that when both people are doing the exact same thing, often nobody is fully holding it down.

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Are you the poster who said the poor wittle mens felt all hurty if their partner earned more than them? Same bollocks about it affecting respect and attraction 🙄

ilovesooty · 19/04/2025 15:55

ghostyslovesheets · 19/04/2025 15:53

@ThisSereneSnail its a simple question you can’t seem to answer: are you

a single
b in a relationship
c cohabiting in a relationship
d married

She appears to be in a relationship
I'm wondering why the other acceptable partners didn't stick around.

ghostyslovesheets · 19/04/2025 15:53

@ThisSereneSnail its a simple question you can’t seem to answer: are you

a single
b in a relationship
c cohabiting in a relationship
d married

BunnyLake · 19/04/2025 15:53

Surely a lot depends on salary. If one of you is earning ten times what the other is then they contribute more (based on percentage).

ilovesooty · 19/04/2025 15:52

thrive in polarity. Pretentious drivel.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 19/04/2025 15:52

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 15:49

That’s great your setup works for you, truly. But nothing I said implies I expect to be a “dogsbody.” Quite the opposite.

I tend to give a lot emotionally and practically because I want to, not because I’m being exploited. But I also want to feel secure and supported in return and for me, that includes financial leadership.

It’s not about expecting men to do nothing emotionally - it’s about both people contributing differently, not identically. If 50/50 works for some, that’s great. But others, like me, thrive in polarity, not perfect symmetry.

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Do you actually understand what 50/50 means?

It doesn't mean that you do exactly 50% of everything. It means that you do 50% of the work in the relationship.

That does look different for every relationship. You don't have some magic relationship recipe here. You're just telling people that they're wrong because they're equal...

PragmaticIsh · 19/04/2025 15:52

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 14:22

Emotional labour is the work of managing feelings - your own and other people’s. That includes things like remembering birthdays, smoothing over tensions, checking in after a bad day, planning meaningful time together, and noticing when something’s off and taking the lead to fix it.

Keeping the relationship connected means tending to the emotional health of the relationship - making sure it doesn’t go cold, distant, or transactional. In a lot of relationships, it’s the women who initiate difficult conversations, plan quality time, handle emotional check-ins and carry the mental load of keeping things emotionally stable.

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Why on earth would you accept a relationship where your partner doesn't step up and do all these things, just as much as you do them?!

Original poster

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 15:52

Didimum · 19/04/2025 15:00

Who cares what kind of relationship you want, OP? What’s it got to do with anyone else?

All this is just an awful lot of words for preferring a trad relationship. Who cares?

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Who cares? Clearly a few people do - enough to ask, challenge, and debate. That’s kind of the point of a forum like this.

And yes, I prefer a dynamic some might call “traditional,” but I also think it’s worth discussing why that still sparks so much discomfort in 2025. If it’s truly no big deal, why the heat?

OP posts:

Uricon2 · 19/04/2025 15:51

I'm all for talking about how in a society that increasingly needs a relationship to have 2 full time wage earners to survive financially, we recognise that one partner (usually female) can end up doing an unfair percentage of the domestic toil as well. I've been married twice (widowed) to men who were quite capable of doing the washing up and buying birthday presents (for eg) as well as earning a wage.

Expecting fairness and consideration from partner is one thing This twaddle about "softness" and "polarity" and "leadership" (from a man) isn't it.

AndImBrit · 19/04/2025 15:50

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 14:00

Because “fair” doesn’t always mean “equal in numbers.” In many relationships, women are already contributing more in emotional labour, home management, caregiving, and keeping the relationship connected. If the man is also paying exactly half - who’s really carrying more weight?

I’m not against balance. I just don’t believe identical roles = healthy dynamics. Some of us value traditional masculine provision - not out of weakness but because we bring a different kind of strength.

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But I’m not? I do very little in terms of maintaining the home (I don’t cook, clean or iron - DH does all of this). He takes FAR more care of me and the relationship than I do. I earn more, and so contribute more financially.

It’d be blatantly unfair for me to expect him to pay more as well as give more emotionally.

I think you’re deeply unreasonable for assuming a man can’t do the ‘women’s work’ you’re referring to. My masculine husband does all of that just fine, and I contribute more financially to even the score.

Your attitude is a big part of the problem as to why we don’t have gender equality.

RisetteMcG · 19/04/2025 15:50

Honey, this ain't the 1900s anymore. Women can now do more than be a housewife.

Missmarplesknittingbuddy · 19/04/2025 15:50

BunnyLake · 19/04/2025 15:46

So why are you on here? What made you think, I know I’ll pose this question on MN.

Are you the protect and provide poster?

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@ThisSereneSnail , are you going to reply to this and other posters asking about your previous posts and also reply to the poster who asked how long have you been married / been with your current partner ?

Charlize43 · 19/04/2025 15:50

Also what happens when these rinsers lose their looks?

Will the masculine energy provider reinvest in renewal feminine energy (late 20s, still soft energy but without the wrinkle & sag)?

This type of financial dependency philosophy certainly comes with risks. I'd much rather pay my own way / live within my means.

Original poster

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 15:49

5dollah · 19/04/2025 15:00

I find it so weird you talking about 'twice the emotional work'. My husband is an amazing parent who does the same amount of emotional work as me. Why have that expectation going in - that you're going to be some dogsbody? I contribute half to all bills as well. I think you're living on another planet.

That’s great your setup works for you, truly. But nothing I said implies I expect to be a “dogsbody.” Quite the opposite.

I tend to give a lot emotionally and practically because I want to, not because I’m being exploited. But I also want to feel secure and supported in return and for me, that includes financial leadership.

It’s not about expecting men to do nothing emotionally - it’s about both people contributing differently, not identically. If 50/50 works for some, that’s great. But others, like me, thrive in polarity, not perfect symmetry.

OP posts:

Ratisshortforratthew · 19/04/2025 15:48

So as long as your partner pays all the bills it’s fine if he isn’t emotionally intelligent and doesn’t do any housework? Nah, that sounds shit.

Bluebellwood129 · 19/04/2025 15:46

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 15:38

He’s quite happy with lunch and even happier that I have standards, a spine, and a sense of humour. Being cherished and having a voice aren’t mutually exclusive.

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I would argue that your standards are extremely low and you have made a very poor choice of partner. Most women expect a partner who contributes financially, emotionally and practically and have found amazing men who deliver on all of that.

HoppingPavlova · 19/04/2025 15:46

I was talking about masculine energy in the context of relational dynamics - things like leadership

What does this ‘leadership’ look like? That he makes all the decisions, tells the rest of the family, including the wife, what to do? If not that, what does it look like? I’ve been married decades and we don’t have ‘leadership’ roles, but ‘teamwork’ roles so I’m intrigued.

This whole thing seems odd. Like trying to cover a lack of work ethic with a word salad to make it palatable to other people.