Page 14 | To think you should never cohabit with a man unless he’s paying the majority of the bills?

PonyPatter44 · 19/04/2025 17:10

I think in the olden days, we used to call this sort of thing 'having daddy issues'. Masculine provider energy is a less judgemental turn of phrase, perhaps, but i would bet my old boots that it's basically the same thing.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 19/04/2025 17:09

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 16:59

The point was to share a perspective that doesn’t often get much airtime without being ridiculed. Saying “you should never cohabit unless he pays the majority” reflects a boundary I hold and a value I share - not a law I’m trying to pass. AIBU is a place to throw out views, provoke discussion and hear how others feel. That’s what I did.

You don’t have to agree to engage - just understand that not every post is asking for consensus. Some of us are here to stand in our own convictions, even if they challenge the norm.

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But what did you want to gain from posting?

You say you're happy with your boundaries, you stand firm in your convictions. What did you need to post for then?

Original poster

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 17:08

Ratisshortforratthew · 19/04/2025 15:48

So as long as your partner pays all the bills it’s fine if he isn’t emotionally intelligent and doesn’t do any housework? Nah, that sounds shit.

Of course not. I’ve never said emotional intelligence or shared contribution in other areas doesn’t matter.

Wanting financial leadership in a relationship doesn’t mean tolerating emotional neglect or someone who does nothing at home - that would be a bad deal for anyone. I’m talking about alignment: each person showing up in the way that best plays to their strengths and values. That doesn’t mean one person does everything and the other does nothing. It means the partnership actually feels balanced, even if it’s not split 50/50 down the middle.

OP posts:

ZoggyStirdust · 19/04/2025 17:08

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 17:05

Leadership in a relationship, to me, doesn’t mean control or issuing orders - it means initiative, direction and being able to carry the weight when needed. It looks like someone who steps up, who’s dependable, and who provides a sense of structure that allows the other person to lean into their own strengths.

That doesn’t mean there’s no teamwork - it just means we don’t have to mirror each other to function well. Some people like identical roles. Others prefer complementarity. I’m not asking anyone to adopt my dynamic - just explaining what I believe in.

As for work ethic - that’s quite an assumption to make from a few comments online. But I’ll leave that with you.

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AND WHY HAVE YOU DESCRIBED THAT LEADERSHIP AS MASCULINE???

sorry to shout, you’re just not responding

MyUmberSeal · 19/04/2025 17:07

What the fuck is all this… energy/vibe/dynamic/bringing to the table stuff.

You sound like you went to Glastonbury one time, smoked a joint and have come back thinking you’re super kooky with all this ‘I’m doing life my own way man, I’m just soooo totally non conformist and won’t stand for split energy as it totally ruins my vibes’.

Original poster

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 17:05

HoppingPavlova · 19/04/2025 15:46

I was talking about masculine energy in the context of relational dynamics - things like leadership

What does this ‘leadership’ look like? That he makes all the decisions, tells the rest of the family, including the wife, what to do? If not that, what does it look like? I’ve been married decades and we don’t have ‘leadership’ roles, but ‘teamwork’ roles so I’m intrigued.

This whole thing seems odd. Like trying to cover a lack of work ethic with a word salad to make it palatable to other people.

Leadership in a relationship, to me, doesn’t mean control or issuing orders - it means initiative, direction and being able to carry the weight when needed. It looks like someone who steps up, who’s dependable, and who provides a sense of structure that allows the other person to lean into their own strengths.

That doesn’t mean there’s no teamwork - it just means we don’t have to mirror each other to function well. Some people like identical roles. Others prefer complementarity. I’m not asking anyone to adopt my dynamic - just explaining what I believe in.

As for work ethic - that’s quite an assumption to make from a few comments online. But I’ll leave that with you.

OP posts:

Sharptonguedwoman · 19/04/2025 17:05

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 13:55

I mean that when the financial foundation isn’t solid or feels uneven, it can ripple into everything else - how supported you feel, how you show up, how emotionally safe the relationship is. “Split finances, split energy” just sums up the idea that when both people are doing the exact same thing, often nobody is fully holding it down.

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I am my partner's equal, intellectually and financially.

pimplebum · 19/04/2025 17:05

You do you

lots of men on here like to control all the money

good luck love👍

ZoggyStirdust · 19/04/2025 17:05

But OP you’re all over the place with your views and perspective. You talk about masculine energy and equate it to paying, and leading, then flip flop around with wordy posts that are, frankly, complete meaningless bollocks.

you refuse to talk about your own relationship experiences, yes talk in the general hyperthetical about how things should be, then loads of flannel about how it’s just a choice.

you talk like an AI that’s been asked to post a controversial opinion then defend it

3peassuit · 19/04/2025 17:04

Is masculine power energy what my DH uses to open the lid on the jam? Other than that and changing tyres we’re 50/50.

Sherry1978 · 19/04/2025 17:03

What if she raises the kids the majority of the time and does the majority if the houseworkand cooking?? Does she still go out to work and pay 50:50?? Bloody hope not.

BunnyLake · 19/04/2025 17:02

onwards2025 · 19/04/2025 16:52

My number 1 takeaway from your posts OP are the repeated references to nurturing the relationship, maintaining the relationship etc as a contribution - are you seriously saying that is part of your contribution in return for a man making a higher financial contribution, are you utterly oblivious to how that sounds and what that makes you and sums up very well why soooooo many posters disagree with your views?!

Sounds like they mean in order to keep a moneyed man it’s their responsibility (burden?) to make sure he is happy and content at all times.

PonyPatter44 · 19/04/2025 17:01

I've now read the whole thread and still don't have the faintest idea what masculine provider energy is, or soft energy. Does it mean i can sit at home and file my nails all day?

ilovesooty · 19/04/2025 17:01

Parker231 · 19/04/2025 16:21

What is the invisible labour of running a home?

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Emotional check ins? 😂

DefinitelyMaybe92 · 19/04/2025 17:00

OP, your replies are now so convoluted and wooly that they don’t even align with your original post, which suggests to me you don’t know what you think yourself. You were pretty black and white to start: you said you think the man should pay the majority of the bills if you live with him. You asked the Q and you’ve been told why - quantitively, based on the poll there - most people (including very many happily married women and men, like myself) do think YABU to think in this way and now you’re waffling about “energy” and “polarity” in the replies whilst avoiding any probes RE your own personal experience/what has led you to think this way, all under the pretence of a “healthy debate”. Regardless of your recent wishy-washy replies, if you’re being honest with yourself, you’ve rejected the idea that a woman can be a “leader” and soft, or a man can be more emotionally supportive whilst being masculine, and don’t even get me started on how dismissive your (original post!) cookie-cutter approach is of same-sex marriages/relationships. You’re clearly not interested in sharing your own experience, so I’d say you’ve had your answer now.

adviceneeded1990 · 19/04/2025 16:59

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 16:48

That sounds like a great dynamic for your household and it clearly works well for you. When I say softer energy, I mean a more nurturing, emotionally attuned presence - the kind of energy that holds space, brings peace and often leads in relational depth rather than logistics. Some women find that role comes naturally to them and they value a partner who brings structure, direction, and material security to compliment that. It’s not about one being better than the other - it’s about alignment. We’re not all wired the same way and that’s okay.

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What does energy that “holds space” and “leads in relational depth” actually mean? Step away from tiktok from time to time and go to work, this all just sounds like pseudo-therapy speak that means nothing of any merit in the real world.

Original poster

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 16:59

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 19/04/2025 15:42

So what was the point of this thread? If you don't care whether anyone agrees with you, just want people to do what works for them in their relationships and you're not suggesting anyone live how you live?

Why post saying you should never cohabit with a man unless he’s paying the majority of the bills?

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The point was to share a perspective that doesn’t often get much airtime without being ridiculed. Saying “you should never cohabit unless he pays the majority” reflects a boundary I hold and a value I share - not a law I’m trying to pass. AIBU is a place to throw out views, provoke discussion and hear how others feel. That’s what I did.

You don’t have to agree to engage - just understand that not every post is asking for consensus. Some of us are here to stand in our own convictions, even if they challenge the norm.

OP posts:

BunnyLake · 19/04/2025 16:59

Parker231 · 19/04/2025 16:56

You’re talking mumbo jumbo and are obviously not in a real life relationship. AI is easily spotted.

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They are very vague on their relationship experience, which tells you all you need to know.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 19/04/2025 16:59

Fuck that. I pay my own way in life.

BunnyLake · 19/04/2025 16:57

WeHaveTheRabbit · 19/04/2025 16:48

You've already backtracked from your initial categorical statement to a stance of "this is what I want, I'm not saying it's right for everybody." 🙄

But I'm still curious about what "financial leadership" entails. Does that mean exclusively that the man should earn more money than the woman? If so, how much more? Or does it mean that he also decides how the money is spent? Does it mean he doles out "housekeeping" money to the little woman and she must present an accounting of how his money is spent?

Financial leadership sounds like he calls all the shots. Money is power, whoever controls the purse strings controls the relationship. Anyone who deliberately seeks that out while they provide the ‘emotion’ is foolish and naive.

BumbleBeegu · 19/04/2025 16:57

You do you OP! 🤣👌🏻

Meanwhile, outside the manosphere…

OlivePeer · 19/04/2025 16:56

There is absolutely zero need for this to be gendered, at all.

Parker231 · 19/04/2025 16:56

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 16:48

That sounds like a great dynamic for your household and it clearly works well for you. When I say softer energy, I mean a more nurturing, emotionally attuned presence - the kind of energy that holds space, brings peace and often leads in relational depth rather than logistics. Some women find that role comes naturally to them and they value a partner who brings structure, direction, and material security to compliment that. It’s not about one being better than the other - it’s about alignment. We’re not all wired the same way and that’s okay.

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You’re talking mumbo jumbo and are obviously not in a real life relationship. AI is easily spotted.

ZoggyStirdust · 19/04/2025 16:55

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 16:53

I’m not suggesting that masculinity = money or that women who earn can’t be feminine - plenty of couples thrive in all kinds of dynamics. What I am saying is that for me (and women who feel similarly), relationships feel more natural when we’re not both holding the exact same role. I lead with emotional contribution, relational awareness and soft energy and I feel most fulfilled when that’s met with financial leadership and grounded support.

That’s not “propaganda” - that’s personal preference. I’m not asking everyone to live this way. I’m just not pretending the 50/50 model is the only respectable option. Different women, different wiring.

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So why describe it as masculine? You have done that repeatedly

Original poster

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 16:55

Charlize43 · 19/04/2025 15:40

Are you Melania Trump?

Nope - just a woman with her own mind, her own standards, and no interest in splitting bills or dignity. But thanks for the comparison, I’ll take “First Lady energy” as a compliment.

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