Page 13 | To think you should never cohabit with a man unless he’s paying the majority of the bills?

Switcher · 19/04/2025 17:30

Tradwife blog looking for outrage farming?

Original poster

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 17:30

Endofyear · 19/04/2025 15:56

Sorry but you sound absolutely bonkers! What is masculine provider energy? Why wouldn't you want an equal partnership financially?

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It’s fine if it sounds bonkers to you - different values resonate with different people. Masculine provide energy just means I value a partner who leads financially, not because I can’t contribute but because I often contribute in other ways that aren’t always visible on paper: emotional support, home management, nurturing the relationship. Some people thrive in equal financial partnerships and that’s great. I simply prefer a dynamic where roles compliment each other rather than mirror each other.

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LBFseBrom · 19/04/2025 17:30

50/50 where possible is best.

Bluebellwood129 · 19/04/2025 17:29

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 17:26

Yes, I do understand and I agree that 50/50 doesn’t have to mean identical tasks. But what I’ve found is that in many modern relationships labelled ‘equal’, the split often looks fair on paper while still leaning heavier on one partner emotionally or mentally and that imbalance gets overlooked because the bills are split. I’m not saying everyone who prefers 50/50 is wrong - I’m saying it doesn’t work for me. I’m not seeking ‘equality’ in a spreadsheet sense, I’m seeking complementarity. Not better, not worse - just aligned with my values.

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You have no lived experience of 'modern' relationships. You constantly refer to values and standards but you're willing to accept so little from a relationship.

BunnyLake · 19/04/2025 17:28

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 17:21

I wouldn’t and I don’t. My point wasn’t that women should carry more emotional labour but that many do, often by default. It becomes the norm in a lot of relationships without people realising the imbalance until it starts to feel draining. I think it’s fair to expect a partner to step up but it also means being honest about what kind of dynamic works for you - which for me includes clear roles, shared values, and mutual appreciation.

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This doesn’t sound anything like your OP or what you’ve been preaching as the norm we should all expect and want if we had any sense. Are you confusing yourself now?

CleverButScatty · 19/04/2025 17:28

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 13:57

Because I believe in masculine provider energy and I’m not looking to split hairs or bills. If I’m showing up emotionally, practically, and often doing more of the invisible labour that keeps a household running, I don’t think it’s wild to expect financial leadership in return. It’s about alignment. Some of us just don’t want a 50/50 roommate dynamic in our relationships.

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Why would you be doing more of the 'invisible labour'? I presume you are talking about cohabiting with a fully grown adult?

MarkWithaC · 19/04/2025 17:27

I go with 'From each according to his ability'. DP (male) and I (female) over twenty-odd years have both been the major earner, and have adjusted what we put into the joint finances accordingly.
I'm currently the one with the provider energy

OfNoOne · 19/04/2025 17:26

What about financial competence is 'masculine'?

Why do you need someone to manage your finances, @ThisSereneSnail ? If there are medical or legal reasons, you can have a financial guardian, but it might be a woman because 'having a penis' isn't a prerequisite for the job.

Original poster

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 17:26

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 19/04/2025 15:52

Do you actually understand what 50/50 means?

It doesn't mean that you do exactly 50% of everything. It means that you do 50% of the work in the relationship.

That does look different for every relationship. You don't have some magic relationship recipe here. You're just telling people that they're wrong because they're equal...

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Yes, I do understand and I agree that 50/50 doesn’t have to mean identical tasks. But what I’ve found is that in many modern relationships labelled ‘equal’, the split often looks fair on paper while still leaning heavier on one partner emotionally or mentally and that imbalance gets overlooked because the bills are split. I’m not saying everyone who prefers 50/50 is wrong - I’m saying it doesn’t work for me. I’m not seeking ‘equality’ in a spreadsheet sense, I’m seeking complementarity. Not better, not worse - just aligned with my values.

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WeHaveTheRabbit · 19/04/2025 17:24

Vladimir Nabokov's instructions to his students before exams: "Do not pad ignorance with eloquence." Good advice that you may wish to take to heart, OP. You may believe that by using words like "polarity" and "provision" (neither of which mean what you seem to think they mean) you can convince people you are expressing profound ideas. But in reality, you simply show that you haven't the faintest notion about healthy relationships and your woolly language can't hide that.

WhyCantIGetItTogether · 19/04/2025 17:24

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 13:57

Because I believe in masculine provider energy and I’m not looking to split hairs or bills. If I’m showing up emotionally, practically, and often doing more of the invisible labour that keeps a household running, I don’t think it’s wild to expect financial leadership in return. It’s about alignment. Some of us just don’t want a 50/50 roommate dynamic in our relationships.

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Oh FFS.

Bluebellwood129 · 19/04/2025 17:22

OP, you've tied yourself up in knots with your very muddled thinking. You appear to have very little understanding of healthy relationships which makes me think you're likely single.

WooleyMunky · 19/04/2025 17:22

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 14:22

Emotional labour is the work of managing feelings - your own and other people’s. That includes things like remembering birthdays, smoothing over tensions, checking in after a bad day, planning meaningful time together, and noticing when something’s off and taking the lead to fix it.

Keeping the relationship connected means tending to the emotional health of the relationship - making sure it doesn’t go cold, distant, or transactional. In a lot of relationships, it’s the women who initiate difficult conversations, plan quality time, handle emotional check-ins and carry the mental load of keeping things emotionally stable.

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You are describing an ancient and dusty 1950s style dynamic.
Hubby gets home and you have a martini prepared for him, a steak on the go, and your best frillies on in case he fancies a bit of the other. If you have to 'carry the emotional load' in a relationship whilst he earns the cash, then you are not in a relationship - you are a hooker with extras.

DefinitelyMaybe92 · 19/04/2025 17:21

Coconutter24 · 19/04/2025 17:16

What if he’s also showing up emotionally, practically and also doing some of the invisible labour?

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Exactly. She’ll come along and deny this with some wishy-washy brain-rot paragraph I’m sure, but it’s very evident that her view of the roles of men and women is so narrow that she can’t conceive that this could possibly be the case. Therefore, in her mind, the man MUST provide more financially instead in order to make up for his shortcomings from an emotional/support/home admin perspective.

Original poster

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 17:21

PragmaticIsh · 19/04/2025 15:52

Why on earth would you accept a relationship where your partner doesn't step up and do all these things, just as much as you do them?!

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I wouldn’t and I don’t. My point wasn’t that women should carry more emotional labour but that many do, often by default. It becomes the norm in a lot of relationships without people realising the imbalance until it starts to feel draining. I think it’s fair to expect a partner to step up but it also means being honest about what kind of dynamic works for you - which for me includes clear roles, shared values, and mutual appreciation.

OP posts:

Parker231 · 19/04/2025 17:18

Stravaig · 19/04/2025 17:17

I think you're all being horrible. Why shouldn't AI seek love too?

😍

Original poster

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 17:17

AndImBrit · 19/04/2025 15:50

But I’m not? I do very little in terms of maintaining the home (I don’t cook, clean or iron - DH does all of this). He takes FAR more care of me and the relationship than I do. I earn more, and so contribute more financially.

It’d be blatantly unfair for me to expect him to pay more as well as give more emotionally.

I think you’re deeply unreasonable for assuming a man can’t do the ‘women’s work’ you’re referring to. My masculine husband does all of that just fine, and I contribute more financially to even the score.

Your attitude is a big part of the problem as to why we don’t have gender equality.

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I’m genuinely not saying men can’t do domestic or emotional labour - many do, and your relationship sounds like one where that balance works beautifully. What I am saying is that in many cases, the invisible load falls more heavily on women and that’s often overlooked when people argue for strict 50/50 financial contributions.

I’m not suggesting a rule for everyone - I’m describing a preference that aligns with my values and how I show up in a relationship. That doesn’t undermine equality - it reflects that people can value different contributions and choose dynamics that feel good to them. True equality is about having the freedom to choose, not one model being right for everyone.

OP posts:

Parker231 · 19/04/2025 17:17

Coconutter24 · 19/04/2025 17:16

What if he’s also showing up emotionally, practically and also doing some of the invisible labour?

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What is this invisible labour?

Stravaig · 19/04/2025 17:17

I think you're all being horrible. Why shouldn't AI seek love too?

Coconutter24 · 19/04/2025 17:16

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 13:57

Because I believe in masculine provider energy and I’m not looking to split hairs or bills. If I’m showing up emotionally, practically, and often doing more of the invisible labour that keeps a household running, I don’t think it’s wild to expect financial leadership in return. It’s about alignment. Some of us just don’t want a 50/50 roommate dynamic in our relationships.

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What if he’s also showing up emotionally, practically and also doing some of the invisible labour?

Parker231 · 19/04/2025 17:15

Sharptonguedwoman · 19/04/2025 17:05

I am my partner's equal, intellectually and financially.

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And me - 30 years happily married so we must be doing something right!

FastnetLundyRockall · 19/04/2025 17:14

This is a bunch of pure fanny

Original poster

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 17:12

Charlize43 · 19/04/2025 15:50

Also what happens when these rinsers lose their looks?

Will the masculine energy provider reinvest in renewal feminine energy (late 20s, still soft energy but without the wrinkle & sag)?

This type of financial dependency philosophy certainly comes with risks. I'd much rather pay my own way / live within my means.

I think we all take risks in relationships - including the risk that someone won’t value us beyond surface-level traits, no matter the dynamic. What I’m describing isn’t about “rinsing” or dependency - it’s about alignment. Some of us choose to be with partners who value what we bring outside of income and show that appreciation through financial leadership. That doesn’t make us passive or powerless, it just means we prioritise different forms of contribution.

Looks fade, sure, but so does charm, drive or ambition. The goal is to build with someone who sees your worth holistically, not conditionally.

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blueleavesgreensky · 19/04/2025 17:11

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 14:43

I do believe in being a team, just not a team where both people are playing the exact same position. For me, a relationship works best when we each bring different strengths. I show up emotionally, practically, and often take the lead in nurturing the relationship and home. I value a man who leads financially and brings stability. That’s how I feel supported and how I’m best able to pour into the relationship. It’s not about one person holding it down entirely - it’s about not both holding half while both feeling like we’re carrying more than that.

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Look you don’t want a man who shows up and takes an equal responsibility for the mental load and emotional contribution in a relationship.
that’s fine. You do you. But some of us want more from a man. We find it sexy that a man can provide and also contribute in the soft skills and domestic domain. And the men we find hot also find women who provide and also contribute the soft skills etc hot as well.

some of us just have higher standards than you do. We insist on a man having both and we are willing to also bring both to the table.

some women sadly don’t expect this and have to settle with a man who only brings one thing to the table. Or in some cases, nothing at all

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 19/04/2025 17:11

ThisSereneSnail · 19/04/2025 17:08

Of course not. I’ve never said emotional intelligence or shared contribution in other areas doesn’t matter.

Wanting financial leadership in a relationship doesn’t mean tolerating emotional neglect or someone who does nothing at home - that would be a bad deal for anyone. I’m talking about alignment: each person showing up in the way that best plays to their strengths and values. That doesn’t mean one person does everything and the other does nothing. It means the partnership actually feels balanced, even if it’s not split 50/50 down the middle.

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So literally....relationships are given and take? They're 50/50? Playing to each others strengths?

You've digested a relationship book and are now spouting it at people like you have all the answers?