To think you should never cohabit with a man unless he’s paying the majority of the bills?

Too vague. Personally I question your real relationship experience as I don’t think someone genuinely ‘exploring’ dynamics would be so closed about their own actual relationship status.

I wouldn’t say your thread was even about exploring dynamics it was about saying all men in a relationship should bear the financial burden.

Why do you care about my opinion of men? Are you their guardian?

@OP First of all, you need to read some history. The idea that men = always rich and powerful/women = always weak and poor but somehow emotionally soft-but-still worthy is simply not true. Have you not read Ancient Greek drama? Or Ancient Roman histories? Or Chaucer (written over 600 years ago) for example? Or the many, many excellent studies by scholars in many parts of Europe and the USA, that show women's work as vital to household economies and indeed to international diplomacy, WHATEVER the "patriarchal" legal/moral/religious framework of the time. For heaven's sake, if you're going lecture people on the supposed glories of the past, just try to get your facts right.

Secondly, the brilliant Dr Johnson - by no means a feminist - saw through your argument almost 300 years ago:
"Men know that women are an over-match for them, and therefore they choose the weakest or most ignorant. If they did not think so, they never could be afraid of women knowing as much as themselves."
Boswell: Journal of a Tour to the Hebrides

I knew you wouldn't answer, but consider this; your DP pays for everything, letting you off the hook, until he finds a newer model and leaves you in the financial lurch. Good luck with that. 😂

Marriage and children are incredibly difficult. Relationships are difficult. People change. Divorce is common. Welcome to adult life .
Interesting to be asked to reflect on masculine and feminine energies . Interesting but a bit retro or even regressive.
What I do know is that as a woman or a man it is best to be self sufficient, to have a plan b and to be prepared to show up for yourself - with whatever energies you can find. You may need to provide the full range of everything for yourself at some point
Personally, it would be a cold day in hell before I submitted to being financially dependent on someone else.

Does your DH not nurture - really just means look after - you?

If I’m showing up emotionally, practically, and often doing more of the invisible labour that keeps a household running, I don’t think it’s wild to expect financial leadership in return.

I’m not saying financial contribution replaces emotional effort or that one person should get a free pass from caring just because they earn well.

So you expect the person financially contributing to you taking on twice the mental and emotional load to also take on their share of the mental and emotional load? So why exactly are you expecting financial leadership for?

I'm more convinced than ever that you don't actually know what you are saying let alone that you believe it.

That’s just life in an equal relationship - why make up ridiculous names for it.
We’re both capable of looking in the fridge and seeing we’re low on butter and adding it the shopping list. If there is an appointment, it goes on the joint calendar.
Both parties are 100% responsible for checking in with each other to check they are ok. I’ve no plans of waiting on DH hand and foot when he’s had a bad day but any loving relationship will give each other any extra hug before they leave the house the next day.

Your relationship sounds like it has a lot of difficulties. You have made up a lot of names for normal life in a relationship.

“But feel free to keep scrolling if nuance and self-respect feel too “TikTok” for you.”
🤣🤣🤣

This invisible labour malarkey-

" remembering appointments " - surely they just go in a diary / calendar"

" Keeping track of what is in the fridge." So basically the woman has to do shopping

"noticing when a relationship feels off " ..Is it a woman's duty to do that? I never knew.

" Creating the emotional climate" ? Sorry it's all just baloney.

Asking yet again

why have you labelled that as masculine?

What happens if you don't notice the relationship feels off, because it only feels off to him? But he doesn't do the emotional load, so he's expecting you to know. But you don't. So it never gets raised and then it gets worse.

Whereas if you just both take responsibility for your own emotions and feelings and the overall wellbeing of the relationship, it'll sort itself out because he'll initiate the conversation regarding his own feelings.

Yes I do agree with this fully. Of course, I love my now husband and we have a family, and if we found ourselves in a situation in which we needed me to begin to contribute, I would. But for us, our optimal is he takes care of the bills, I nurture us.

@ThisSereneSnail I am a little curious, have you ever lived with a partner or been married? Is it based on your relationship or is this theoretical?

It's really interesting that dismiss a relationship where both finances and emotional support are split Equally as a 'roommate situation'.

I would say that such a transactional agreement is very roommate like. Life partners provide reciprocal support, emotionally, financially, practically. Roommates don't.

I can't decide if you have just had such a narrow experience of men that you simply cannot envisage that a good man could match your emotional and mental load contribution, or if this is actually a cynical dressing up of just wanting someone to give you money. Perhaps you have been taught to equate being given money with being loved.

My DH and I have been together a very long time
There are times when each of us had been the higher earner. There have also been times when each of us has had difficult times, health problems, bereavement etc and we have leaned on each other emotionally and practically to different extents over the years. I couldn't imagine being in a situation where emotional support was only available if you were financially providing everything, or where financial contribution is only available if someone else does all the practical and emotional support, regardless of what they are dealing with.

What happens if you had PND for example or a poorly baby and less capacity to provide emotional and practical support to your DH for a time? Does he lower his financial contribution? It's all so transactional.

I wonder if you are quite young, and have never had to navigate challenges such as poor health, redundancy, bereavement, children with SEND, unmanageable work stress. I find a lot of people can have quite black and white views until they live real life for a time.

I’m out

Did you read my post? I was asking why you think men should pay for everything.

Did you even read my post? I was only speaking on behalf of myself, nobody else.

I'm old and I'm sighing very, very deeply. You are talking utter rubbish. It's nonsense.

We’re all nobodies online. It’s our real life that matters.