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Original poster

To not want to be the "fixer" anymore

39 replies

fallinlovenothate · 19/04/2025 09:48

For as long as I can remember I've always been the friend that people go through when they're going through a shit time- I then generally get dumped again until the next crisis.

Around a year ago I made friends with a woman, who can be lovely, however she has gone from crisis to crisis... I've been patient, I've spent hours listening to her, I've helped her put things in place to help manage everyone situation, I've checked in on her- it's been draining and at points I feel like I've got nothing left to offer.

I've taken the last week to re-evaluate quite a few things, I work iny dream job and although I love it, it's very emotionally heavy, added in to the fact that I have 2 primary kids and about to start a degree, I no longer want to be the friend that constantly fixes others...

But how do I change my "role" in the friendship group? How do I stop being the person people come to to fix everything?

OP posts:
Original poster
fallinlovenothate · 19/04/2025 10:32

goagain · 19/04/2025 10:21

Say Marge comes crying to you about her latest crisis. You listen and sympathise and tell her she’s a wonderful person. Then you suggest that they talk to a counsellor.

They will probably refuse, because you are their free counsellor after all.

Next time Marge calls you for a heart to heart, you make small talk about other things, and when she brings up the heavy subject say “Well Marge, I don’t know what to say or suggest, have you thought about the counselling any more?”

She will likely say that she doesn't need suggestions, just somebody to listen, so then you have a choice. Either you let her know that you don’t have the emotional capacity to listen after a day at work and reiterate the counselling option.

Or (and this is what I do with my needy friends) plan a time that suits me and I have some patience in the tank, and just Listen. No suggesting. Just empathising “oh dear me” “really, I’m so sorry” and nodding along. They will eventually talk themselves out. And as you have clarified between you that all they want is somebody to ‘listen’, that is all they are getting. If they ask your opinion bat it back with “I’m not sure, what do you think?” and the conversation will either be therapeutic for them as they have got it all off their chest (whilst being minimally taxing on you), or it will be disappointing for them because they weren’t really honest when they said all they wanted was somebody to listen, and you have made it clear they really will have to go to somebody else if they want advice or somebody to chew the fat alongside them.

Edited

This is really good advice! Thank you

OP posts:
Geneticsbunny · 19/04/2025 10:25

I have been in exactly the same situation. I would just quietly back away till you get to a level which is sustainable for you. Some people always have drama. It's fine to help and support them but make sure it's at a level you are happy with. I have found that the best way to do this is to create boundaries, so if she is messaging a lot, only check messages from her once a day. If she wants to see you all the time, just commit to one a week or once a fortnight. Socialise in a bigger group so she can't pin you down to talk about all her stuff etc

goagain · 19/04/2025 10:21

Say Marge comes crying to you about her latest crisis. You listen and sympathise and tell her she’s a wonderful person. Then you suggest that they talk to a counsellor.

They will probably refuse, because you are their free counsellor after all.

Next time Marge calls you for a heart to heart, you make small talk about other things, and when she brings up the heavy subject say “Well Marge, I don’t know what to say or suggest, have you thought about the counselling any more?”

She will likely say that she doesn't need suggestions, just somebody to listen, so then you have a choice. Either you let her know that you don’t have the emotional capacity to listen after a day at work and reiterate the counselling option.

Or (and this is what I do with my needy friends) plan a time that suits me and I have some patience in the tank, and just Listen. No suggesting. Just empathising “oh dear me” “really, I’m so sorry” and nodding along. They will eventually talk themselves out. And as you have clarified between you that all they want is somebody to ‘listen’, that is all they are getting. If they ask your opinion bat it back with “I’m not sure, what do you think?” and the conversation will either be therapeutic for them as they have got it all off their chest (whilst being minimally taxing on you), or it will be disappointing for them because they weren’t really honest when they said all they wanted was somebody to listen, and you have made it clear they really will have to go to somebody else if they want advice or somebody to chew the fat alongside them.

Original poster
fallinlovenothate · 19/04/2025 10:20

Evaka · 19/04/2025 09:54

Any idea why you're more concerned about others well being than your own? https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/article/2024/aug/24/oliver-burkeman-book-extract-meditations-for-mortals-people-pleasing

This is a good read.

Ohh I'll give it a read, thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
fallinlovenothate · 19/04/2025 10:11

Shinyandnew1 · 19/04/2025 10:04

When people are offloading to you and you feel like you want to step in and offer solutions/fix things for them, take a deep breath and say nothing.

That's really good advice! Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
fallinlovenothate · 19/04/2025 10:10

PowderMonkeys · 19/04/2025 09:57

You make different choices. Ask yourself what was in it for you when you chose to regularly drop everything to be the shoulder to cry on, because, whether you are aware of it or not, you will have behaved like that for some benefit that accrued to you. Now that pattern of behaviour is no longer working for you. The costs are outweighing the benefits. I would think of your precious free time as a very finite resource, and choose to spend it doing things that sustain and nourish rather than drain you. That might be yoga, exercise, doing something creative, spending time with friends in a non-fixer role etc. Or making new friends and not setting yourself up as the fixer.

But I think there are two key things here — take some responsibility for having contributed to this dynamic (because if it’s happening in most or all of your friendships over a long period, it’s something you’re doing), and recognise that the only behaviour that you can change here is your own. You clearly can’t prevent your friends having crises, or telling you about them, only what you choose to do next.

Honestly there's alot to unpack into why I've allowed it to continue 😅 (thankfully therapy is on the horizon)

I never really had friends growing up, I have abdonement and self esteem issues... It became a case of if I help them then maybe they won't leave, which is stupid because they'd go quite when I wasn't useful for their needs.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 19/04/2025 10:04

When people are offloading to you and you feel like you want to step in and offer solutions/fix things for them, take a deep breath and say nothing.

ICantBeDoingWithThat · 19/04/2025 10:00

By spending more time on yourself and your own needs you will have less for other people. Changing your mind set is the important thing and you've already done that and realised what you need to do. Good luck. 💐

NineLivesKat · 19/04/2025 09:58

Also I just saw a recommendation on another thread for a book called Let Them by Mel Robbins to help you stop people pleasing.

PowderMonkeys · 19/04/2025 09:57

You make different choices. Ask yourself what was in it for you when you chose to regularly drop everything to be the shoulder to cry on, because, whether you are aware of it or not, you will have behaved like that for some benefit that accrued to you. Now that pattern of behaviour is no longer working for you. The costs are outweighing the benefits. I would think of your precious free time as a very finite resource, and choose to spend it doing things that sustain and nourish rather than drain you. That might be yoga, exercise, doing something creative, spending time with friends in a non-fixer role etc. Or making new friends and not setting yourself up as the fixer.

But I think there are two key things here — take some responsibility for having contributed to this dynamic (because if it’s happening in most or all of your friendships over a long period, it’s something you’re doing), and recognise that the only behaviour that you can change here is your own. You clearly can’t prevent your friends having crises, or telling you about them, only what you choose to do next.

Original poster
fallinlovenothate · 19/04/2025 09:53

NineLivesKat · 19/04/2025 09:50

Can you afford some therapy? That could help you learn to have better boundaries.

I can't right now - however in July I'll have health insurance which will cover it. I'm already planning on taking advantage of that.

I've had my own struggles with mental health and I think thats part of the reason why I struggle with telling people no (I don't want anyone to get to a point I did) but I also know that I'll end up in burnout if I don't try change, I just don't know where to start

OP posts:
NineLivesKat · 19/04/2025 09:50

Can you afford some therapy? That could help you learn to have better boundaries.

olympicsrock · 19/04/2025 09:50

Just stop being so available